ya know, ive been laying here all day in my bed, yea i’ve actually had the day to be naked in my bed, first time in forever i have to admit. but ya know, as quiet as i’ve been, tears just stream down my face. and i just i just dont understand, and i hate what im feeling. since last night and especially early this morning when i wrote that writing when i was able to put all my feelings into words for a fucking change. even in my laughter tears are still just rolling down my face.
ya know, i went to write another bdsm blog, and i just dont have it in me no more. ….a slave is taught, that she has a purpose, and her purpose is strictly her Master, and for 30 yrs that’s been my purpose, MY ONLY REASON TO LIVE. that and raising a kid. well, my kid is gone, and right after that i moved here, to try to find my own new purpose, and it’s my fault it really is i have to admit…it really is, i put all my purpose into this job. THAT WAS MY BAD. I PUT ALL MY PURPOSE INTO A JOB SO THAT I COULD GIVE AND HELP PEOPLE, ….MEN…..FUCKED OFF MEN, COME ACROSS MORE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO JUST WANNA TAKE AND FUCK YOU UP IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. i havent been able to use my gifts to help people in this job like i wanted to…
MY GIFTS…GOT TURNED INTO THE WORSE CURSE EVER…it was turned against me. ….so…..ya know after what i went through all last year and what im going thru now, trying to figure my fucking self out after a kid trying to kill me and whoever trying to make me crazy with all this fucked off spiritual shit, i just lost faith in my job, no one comes over, no one gives a fuck, no one wants to put anything involved and expects me to risk it all….
I NO LONGER HAVE MOTIVATION, not untill one or two maybe people come around and show me they not lieing and playing games and that they can at least acknowledge and answer me…
WHEN YOU GIVE MORE THAN ALL OF YOURSELF TO PEOPLE THAT JUST WANT TO DRAIN YOU, IT’S NOT FUN ANYMORE, IT’S ONLY FUN WHEN SOMEONE COMES AROUND AND DOESNT WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WANTING TO TREAT THEM LIKE A KING AND DONT RUIN IT…soooo…..i dont have work for much of a purpose anymore…*sighs*….
learning what my value is, self value, self worth, this is a doozy for me,
when people in your life, thats supposed to be special and you put them first, and you value in them, is HIGH AS FUCK, and they dont contact you till it’s time to go to bed and say good night, when they cant put a little more effort in just saying i need to go, talk to you later, instead of just ghosting and you find your self talking to no one….feeling a big foolish about your self, it does something to you.
i asked just one thing, only one thing , PLEASE PLEASE DONT TAKE BDSM FROM ME, IT’S THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEFT TO HOLD ONTO IN MY LIFE. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT I STILL FAITH IN. THAT’S ALL I ASKED.
when a slave gives her gift of submission AND ITS NOT VALUED LIKE IT SHOULD BE, IT CAN REALLY DESTROY A SLAVE…ANY SLAVE BECAUSE IT;S HER LIFE THAT SHE IS GIVING AND WHEN SHE REALIZES THAT HER LIFE WASNT VALUED AS MUCH AS THAT SLAVE HAS VALUED WHO SHE SUBMITTED TO….
YA KNOW IM CURIOUS WHY DO MEN HAVE TO BE SUCH DUMBFUCKS, WHILE THE TEARS ARE STRREAMING DOWN MY FACE AGIN…JUST WHY …IM TOO GOOD FOR THESE MOTHERFUCKERS,
I HAD ONE TELL ME I WAS TOO GOOD FOR HIM, BUT YET, STILL I WAS ONLY GOOD ENOUGH TO BE THE LAST OPTION OF THE WHOLE DAY..AND JUST TELL ME GOOD NIGHT. WHY IS IT YOU MEN CAN NOT REALIZE WHAT EXACTLY YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU, I HAVE ALWAYS ALWYAS ALWAYS TREATED MY MEN LIKE FUCKING GOLD, AND YET, I DONT GET IT….SO
Sooo here i am, a natural slave, struggling like a fucking bitch ….struggling with this hurt and this confustion…a nautrual slave that can’t seem to find her purpose and thats all thats been ingrained in me, that the only purpose to live was her Master, a slave with no Master, is not whole, i tried to find and make ALL OF YOU CLIENTS, IN SOME KIND OF WEIRD WAYY, MY MASTER, BUT IT’S TWISTED BECAUSE CANT HAVE MORE THAN ONE MASTER, BUT I GUESS THAT’S WHAT I TRIED TO DO…BUT CLIENTS MEN, TOOK MY PURPOSE IN MY JOB FROOM ME, SO THE TWO PEOPLE THAT MEANT…MEANS MORE THAN THEY REALIZE TO ME…WELL…THAT NOW HAS BEEN FUCKED OFF AND JUST ….so i no longer have that, so …..
soooo ….IM SO FUCKING LOST RIGHT NOW I DONT LIKE IT I DONT LIKE THESE FEELINGS I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM, NOW THAT I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THEM, ITS SUCKS
so i sit here and stuggle within myself, and i hurt and i dont know what to do so…i write my feelings down, tahts all i know to do…but yet, i cant write about bdsm when i no longer feel much faith in the only thing that i had left
yea, i could probably still kneel in front of Him,…but ….IT LOST ITS VALUE I GUESS WHEN I REALIZED, I HELD MORE VALUE IN HIM THAT HE DID IN ME I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THIS ….HE LEAVES ME IN SILENCE….SO I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR HOW TO TAKE IT ALL…I DONT GET IT…WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT, thats not bdsm…i dont know im sitting here trying to figure it all….yea im human, i care to fucking much for fucked up people who cant or dont want to care thats what the kills me the most….soo you know what…
FUCK IT ALL…..THATS WHAT IM SAYHING….WELL LET ME RE PHRASE THAT…..UNFUCK IT ALL *HUGE SIGHS*
ya know what i think im gonna share what i happened to find which freaked me out when i found it….something i wrote when i was dealing with my last release from my third and last Master, Who i was fully collared to, the steel slave collar…i find myself back in that lost place again right now, it can be really hard for a submissive…especially a slave that has lost her purpose and trying to find her again, and im kinda reminded why i put in my fet life profile that i would never want another collar again…and here ive been craving to be collared again…been leaving His marks on me, His property, but…now i just seem to questio eveything in my life, i dont want to think or feel anymore i dont know what to have faith in anymore, everytime i try to have faith, i get let down, the rug is pulled from under me, and im shown i was wrong, i dont get humans anymore i just dont understand, so i find myself staying awary from humans more and more, they are to hateful and hurtful and i kinda am sick and tired of being hurt so fucking much…
ya know what ill find it later, i want to look at that writing again anyways… but im too fucking exhausted now, it’s so fucking exhausting caring for dumbfucks i swear lol…i think im going to sleep away the hurt and confusion i have, THERE’S NO FUCKING REASON FOR ME TO STAY UP, FUCK HEADS WHO SEND IN A SCREENING FORM, AND CANT FUCKING HAVE THE DECENCY TO EVEN BOTHER TO FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE MY FUCKING EMAILS ….SEND IN TWO AND THREE FUCKING FORMS MAKE SURE I NOTICE YOU HUH….BUT IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO EVEN SAY TO ME FUCK OFF, AT LEAST I WOULD TELL YOU THAT …DAYMN MAN SOME FUCKED UP PEOPLE AROUND IT MAKES ME SICK
nothing here for me to stay up for ,why even i bother good night 1:50 am 3-13-2020