(yall need to know this is really coming from deep within my heart, js)
Ya know, it’s ALWAYS been a turn on for me knowing that others were watching me. Knowing that someone was getting off by me whether it was by pics or vids, even better it it’s while I was in live action playing and having a good time. And really and honestly I never in my life would have thought that this would be going on. Matter of fact, absolutely none of this, has ever entered my mind that I’d be doing all this. And I have no idea why I’m surprised about it. Being that I’ve always been a total freak, my sex drive has ALWAYS been high, and with getting older, it’s just sky rocketed through sky. My thirst for sex is just ungodly, to say the least. lol
I always liked being filmed because when im involved, i’m not even here. I’m like in outer space somewhere, like passed pluto. lol So I always wanted to see what was actually going on afterwards. To see all the details that I was not aware of that was happening while I was in space. lol
Knowing The REAL Freak
See here, this is where not one of you know the REAL me, cuz if you did (as a HUGE wicked grin forms on my face) yea…if ya’ll did, i guess I figured ya’ll would be freaking the fuck out and having your asses over here in a heartbeat! lmao Because I am REALLY one nasty kinky motherfucking FREAK from get-go!!! And see, I KNOW everybody thinks they are a freak, up until they actually meet a freak. I know this. But guess what? I AM THAT FREAK! okayyy
Here’s something else that ya’ll don’t even know. I’ve also always loved to get dick pics and videos to fuck myself with. hmmm….But see, none of ya’ll would know anything about all this huh. Well, lets see, I started fucking at 11, had my first bbc in school, during lunch time in the industrial arts classroom closet at 14 and almost got busted. had my first mmf threesome at 15. used to give blowjobs in the library ALL the time between the book cases (back before cameras) got pregant at 16, that was a DOUBLE shotgun wedding lmao…my first woman at 19 on my 19th birthday, was introduced to bdsm a 19, ive had a 15 bbc gangbang, just to see just how many i could really do. That was done in 3 1/2 hours time. Shyyyt, get my ass on the back of a hog, I LOVE playing while riding. Public play is the shit lol. I’ve dropped to my knees, sucking dick while stopped on the side of the road while riding. Traffic everywher I didnt care, I was just decided i had to suck some dick. Well, i figured after messing around while riding for so long, that he was trying to fuck his tank lol…it was time to drop to my knees lmao…….and i can go on and on and on forever and a day…until i stepped foot on Texas soil. no lie! And that’s really a shame to!
Wings clipped and Can’t Fly
So your wondering, what’s changed? well, you can’t cage up a free-spirited soul and expect that free spirit to fly. You just can’t. Ya know, i’ve been joking around on Twitter, though it’s really fucking true. I’ve been stating that I’m a sex worker with no sex life. yesss i did say that!!! WOW! huh? yea i think that shit all the time to. lol So the other day, was talking a friend, this is what i put on twitter the other day
Ummm yall are gonna laugh yer fucking asses off at me when when I go to tell y’all this. So laugh all you please but when you’re done laughing know that I’m serious is a fucking heart attack okay lol
It’s my fault I did it to myself I’m the bitch to blame. I fucked my own self out of sex. Nothing and had I realize this shit in the beginning, it would never have happened And you’re asking what the fuck is she talkin about, right? Yea i know
The conversation with a friend of mine went something like this
Me: Damn nuttin again
He said: you just got too damn good
Me: welllll, to tell you the truth I try like hell not to
He said: what the hell are you talking about?
Me: I really try to be bad at what I do, just so I could possibly get some dick…. But it never works, this shit just is natural now
He said: ??????
Yeah it went something like that. To think that I cursed my own self into my own ass on the bus
Yea seems like, I cock blocked my own fucking self lmao. So I was asked on twitter tonight, “What’s stopping you” My answer was simply, “you men” My brand has alot to do with it. That’s the bad side of branding I guess, cause really no one really knows any of my other talents. I didn’t realize how much this job was actually gonna hinder me. So instead being a free spirited person, that just loves doing things on a whim, spontanteous. I’m caged up, locked up in here. I feel like my wings have been clipped really. Stressed all the time, worrying about money, paying rent. and i mean really I wanna ask, Don’t you men get cranky as fuck when your women folk take that pussy from you??? Don’t yall motherfuckers go find that pussy else where huh? yes in deed, right?! well, see that’s exactly ya’ll been doing to me lol…taking that dick away from me, not giving me any…what do you exect from a bitch that is very dick needy lmao…i mean you can’t me to be all happy about that shit lmao….
Sometimes I do wonder, and I think maybe these men and I we’ve been at this little tug-o-war game for so long, I think that it’s become habit for ya’ll and would never admit anything lol….and sure wouldnt stop that damn battle. like it’s a power struggle kind of thing I guess. I don’t know I do wonder though. Cause see here it is, IF YALL REALLY REALLY KNEW ME, YOUD BE KICKING YOURSELVES IN THE ASSES FOR MISSING OUT. ….
So, about those videos I always liked to send out, like i was doing in the very beginning on my first Tumblr, and on Twitter. What happened to that you ask? Yea I was just like everyone else is, proud of their porn and showing the world…….Up until I realized, it was the difference between being on the street and having a roof over my head. It was the difference between having food in my belly, or my stomach being really sick from not having any food. The fist time that happened, yea that was a rude awakening. Porn is my now job. So…..well….THAT hinders me. And I can tell you, ya know it just does not feel good, to know that i’m homeless and yall are jerking off without a care. I can honestly say, that really does hurt. it’s definitely not a turn on to me, like it used to be. ive cried so often about this. i really have. When became my job, I guess i didn’t realize the whole situation changed.
And what about enjoying being sent dick pics and vids??? well, lets see…. first of all, I really like the fact that I could choose,….who I wanted it from and when is the best time for me that stuff. My choices were taken from me. And that don’t feel either. I know ya’ll are proud and i get that, but I mean, if im sitting here stressing or crying or doing bill or who knows whatever else, its just NOT the right time to be sending me stuff like that. And I mean, why do you assume. ….so Im not going all there about that…but….again…that seems to now hinder my sexual free spirited self .
More That You Don’t Know
the woman that’s very sexually expressive, the woman that holds confidence in her sexual freedom, the woman that laughs alot, likes to play around and have fun. A woman that will dance your fucking socks off lmao…., the woman that’s acutally nothing but a total goof ball…The woman that enjoys and gets off on bringing another woman home to her husband and surprising him with her, the woman is really just happy go lucky, as long as she’s able to be free within herself. The laid back easy going woman that really don’t care about to much of anything, not really. The only cares that woman has, is just a few things, don’t lie, dont steal, hold honor about yourself. that’s it. That woman, that literally not any of you know…yea very honestly i miss that woman! I REALLY MISS HER ALOT, SHE REALLY IS COOL CAT TO GET TO KNOW.she really is.
Yea she got her faults but everyone does, and i mean, all work and no play, is not really that much fun at all, especially after a while. I really really miss that woman! so much so, that I cry all the time about it. you can tell that woman anything, you can trust, down to earth, understanding and really actually a simple person on the outside cuz her mind is always so complex. cuz you see, that woman, she shows you by her actions, she dont need to talk, it all speaks for itself, she didnt have to con or convince or anything, it will all convince you with no problem by her actions.
Too Good Hearted To Be In This Business
Ya know, my heart really does go out for ya’ll, it really does. ya know It really killed my soul one time, when i first started, When a client came in, a gentlemen, I dont know, somewhere 50s and 60s, I had asked him to place the money out, and he was so frightful and freaked out. And I just sighed, and i told him, Lets try this ok, you can keep it by you, I’m not going to hurt you, And we worked together on that one. And I know that, that was soo hard for him to do. And I had seen him up until he started forgetting to contact ahead of time and then he started being late…so…there went that,…
One time, I gave part of the donation back, i didnt feel like it was right that i keep it, services not rendered, it wasnt mine to keep. I have to say, yea he was completely flipped the fuck out, jaw dropped to the floor, and eyes wide as can be. and i looked at him, and i told him, it aint mine to keep, well, he did tip me with what i gave back.
Another time, another client, I was at a friends, a biker friend of mine, where i was staying the internet was down and i needed to get ads out bad, so he picked up and brought me to his place for the day so i could get all that out so i could make money, he told me that i could work, he knew that i needed it. well, someone did contact me, a regular that has become a really good friend of mine, a black man, ya know, i really didnt have to say anything, I just said, look gotta meet me at this address and its all good, no worries, he never once questioned me, all he asked was “is the address a house” that was it, walked right on in,yess a black walking right up into a bikers house. no big deal
I Get It, More Than Ya’ll Realze, It’s Hard For Both Sides
So who is gonna take that hard ass first leap of faith. That’s hard aint it? I know that it is. i know this. But you see, the way I screen now. You wanna know how that got started? By me getting screwed over all the time. Yep! I tried like hell to not ask for hardly information in the beginning. But it seemed like the more and more I tried, the more and more I got screwed over. So It seemed like the more I perfected my screening because of it. And in all acutality now, i’m glad i’ve got the screening down pat like i do, because of all the cops and shit that is going on now.
So when my screening got to be like it is now, and the fight about it was going on, thats when i started opening up about my life, who i was, my intentions, JUST OPENING UP ALL ABOUT ME, EVERYTHING ALL OF IT. I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE….FOR YALL. So that yall could see, i’m not out to hurt anyone.
(you know i cant even write this, i just sit here and cry with all the abuse i cant even do this iccant evewn write this cuz i just bust into tears ….i do all of this for yall and aint no one happy or statisfied i just write this anymore 10-22 not after what was done again to me yesterday fuck it all i cant do this its killing me. im gonna try to continue to write this god it hurts so bad though
Caged Up, Used, Abused, Taken Adantage Of, Stolen From….And Yet I Still Give
Ya know there’s not one of you the see this whole picture, not of you knows EXACTLY what i go through. It seems like from the very beginning of it all, there’s a group of you that just doesnt want to see me succeed in this. And it seems like the more I give of myself, the more is taken. And it seems like every living thing that I say, is twisted into whatever you want it to mean, smh i can’t seem to prove myself enough. LITERALLY ALL THE MONEY THAT I MAKE GOES TO DOING FOR YALL. LITERALLY ALL OF IT. I MEAN WHAT MORE IS IT TAKE, MAN I MEAN, CUTTING MYSELF OPEN, LETTING MYSELF BLEED OUT FOR YALL. i don’t what more i can do to show each and every one of you who i am. because yall have me so fucking caged up that i dont even know who i am anymore.
ya know what i realized yesterday, and this hit hard for me, i’ve been what everybody has wanted me to be, i’ve been everything BUT ME! NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN ALLOWED TO SIMPLY BE THE REAL ME NOT ONCE!!! AND i can say, that yall are missing but ya know the truth of it all, im missing out on myself as well. because i miss her. i really do.
I’ve never in my life being held back in my true nature then now with this job. It seems like the only side of me that most of you wanna know is the bitch side. Absoultely not one of you want to know to get to know ME. And then when I do try to be me, the only thing i get in returen is taken advantage of. Then when i finally stand up for myself, i’m in the wrong or its to negative where its a turn off for yall. man it seems like its never enough for yall im not good enough or whatever god
forget it, all of you will just put your own spin on my words anyways, i cant make anyone happy, my best is never enough, ive ran out of options of trying to make everyone happy and out of money now, cuz i spend all my money on yall sooo i dont know what elses to do anymore, my only last option is just to lay down and let everyone abuse me
when all i want to do is just simply be allowed to be me….if yall gave it half a chance yall might find out youd like her, but no one wants to find out sooo i just dont know what to do anymore, when shit starts getting cut off, i can’t help ive been trying to tell yall this whole time im in debt doing for yall now, and its gotta get paid one way or the other i cant help that anymore i dont have it to pay it
It’s Really Exhausting Trying To Make Others Happy That Will Never Be Satified
I’m really tired. Men can be exhausting. i swear, I’m tired of having to prove myself, im tired of struggling with yall, im tired of being questioned of my motives, i’m tired of trying to come up with ways of making you happy. its never enough its never good enough. my only motive is to help others AND TO FREAKING HAVE SOME DAMN FUN FOR A FREAKING CHANGE, but can’t ever be allowed to have some damn fun around here, in all of my travels in all of my life, ive never in my life met some of the most critical selfish in my whole life some of the most hateful ppl. but yet i still give and i still try and still get up and say “good morning” to those ppl that have treated me soooo freaking wrong. I don’t deserve this kind of treatment from no one, i’ve done no wrong to anyone. NO ONE i’ve given all of myself. my reviews and everything show it, but yet, it’s still not ever good enough. i have ran out of options to make you men happy. someone is always gonna bitch and complain that it’s not good enough or whatever, i dont know ….
the only thing that i do know is that i just want to be that free spirited person that i was in the beginning, that i’ve always been. i feel so conditoned, i’m constantly being pushed into doing things not naturally me, i know ya’ll want me to do camming and the phone stuff, but i can’t it’s not me, it’s not what i do. Why do you constantly want to push things on me that is not what i do.
Focus On My Qualities, Stop Trying To Push Me Into Doing What’s Not Natural For Me
Okay maybe if I put it in this concept for you men to try to understand…
if you’re quality was playing basketball and you were like the absolute best are one of the best at playing basketball and your parents and everybody made you play football on the football team And you couldn’t play football worth a shit and you fumbled all the time and you couldn’t catch football when it was thrown to you or nothing. Not a damn thing could you do right playing football because well that’s not what you were good at and you always felt defeated because you never could make anybody happy because what you really can’t play football to damn well now can you? and you really miss playing basketball but nobody would let you play basketball and nobody would ever let you see just how good at . Very literally how would you feel playing football when basketball was your best sport to play???
Can you imagine the surprise if you were allowed to play basketball that everybody would be freaking out on Going holyshit your damn good dude, I didn’t know you could play basketball like that!!! And in your head your thinking, well you never let me show you
Well that’s how I feel right now
Were you able to grasp that a little bit better putting in those terms I’m sure hoping so cuz I don’t know how else to say anything anymore
It’s very exhausting to be something or to try to be something that’s not you and then constantly being downed on for something that is not even you I cannot be anybody else but me. some of you were not going to like that me but many of you will find but there’s more to me than what You realized. And that theres alot that all of you missed out on… including me missing out on me
Let The Free Spirit Fly Again, Allow My Quailites To Shine
i’ve been feeling so caged up and empty for so long, I can only hold all this in for so long. On the inside you have no idea how i keep screaming out and crying to just to be allowed to be me. Ok so you have found out about my talented mouth,…..but you havent realized just all the other talents that i have that you have no idea about. none of you know…there’s more ya know….im very talented both sexually and otherwise. just seems like everyone has been focusing on things thats not what my talents are. Allow me to show you.
just think yall have found out just what i can do with my mouth and throat, well damn, think about it, the talents i have with my mouth and throat, what do you think i can do with the other quailities about me??? i can assure you, im damn good at ALL of what i do! but it takes you wanting to find out or just downing me on the things that im not best at….i can’t be anyone but me thats all i can do.