i’m putting this out right now, i have to edit my typos and i have add quiet a bit more, i was half this into 2 or 3 but im putting this now, i have to
With my back going down this week and everyone asking me if i have anyone to help me along with finally telling a friend of mine some stories about the wild me about my past, it’s been on my mind since i started talking about all this week. i felt the need to write about it, besides it will permanatly squish all these questions about why i don’t have anyone to help me out. this is NOT GONNA be easy as i can feel myself already starting to shake so here goes….
Some Family History First:
These are the only pics that i have of my family as ya’ll know all i brought was stolen, so i got these off of myspace. This was my little brothers wedding, as this was actually a miracle that he had got married, he lived with my parents till he got married at 30. he had bought some land, stay w my parents till he paid off. yall know i was raised in construction. my dad was self employed doing counter tops/formica. im the oldest of three, my brother is 5 yrs younger, my lil sister is 8 yrs younger, they are exactly 3 yrs apart. when my brother was 18 mths old, he was climbing the door casings, back then, they didnt really know about ADHD. but for god’s sakes, he had it lol…mom told dad that he was taking my brother to work with him from then on lol…so in the end, my brother was the one who owned the business till there was no business doing formica anymore….i’ve always been the black sheep of the family, the outcast. my mother and i NEVER GOT ALONG. i still feel like my real dad was that reason. i wasnt part of her two kids from my dad…we wont go there i cant….anyways…i was raised in a decent family, we all have dysfunctional families in one way or the other, i just seemed to be the one that was dysfunctional at least to the rest of the family anyways. I was raised in a VERY DEVOUT Roman Catholic Family. The grandmother that I took after was on my mom’s side, and she was VERY DEVOUT always had her rosary in her hands. (All these details are important, As my grandmother and I, we were really close) . Went to church down the road EVERY Sunday, So, I had a pretty normal life growing up, on the outside. I always knew there was something though. Ya know when your a kid…certain things stay with you the rest of your life. For me, it was when my dad and brother would come in from work, had a candy for him and my sister….”oh, we forgot to get you one” kinda stays with ya when it happens kinda regular, anyways…I’ll explain in a minute why all this is important to know….(to be continued below…)
My dad had built the house in ’77, moved in that Christmas. In 1983, I was 11…there was a flood called the “100 year flood.” That year, I had started my period for the first time, and a month my virginity was taken. That year the house was flooded 41″, close to 4 feet. We had put paneling 4 feet down, where it had flooded. In pics 1-3, this was the original living room that was made into the “Pool Room” after the ’83 flood, when we got a pool table, which of course, got fucked on quiet often lmao…i know I did lmao…the bookcase everything that you see, my dad had made. The car part was made into the living room, where he had put Cedar walls all through the living room. Of course, im the shortest one in the family HAHAHAHA…The fourth pic is my sis (who may be fine, but is a TOTAL bitch lol) and my now brother in law, i only met him once or twice lol…that was on the back patio….the fifth pic, the man standing by my parents camper, is my “GodFather” and my cousin. The “field” you see, in the other pics, that was actually a cow pasture when i was kid, ….thats on the back side of the house where there’s a creek, Beaver Creek….theres TWO Rivers that run into Beaver Creek, the back water from two rivers goes into Beaver Creek, which is the reason why the house ALWAYS floods. The last two pics were from The Flood Of Louisiana 2016. After this flood, they finally sold this house. Personally I always hated this house. I can’t really give any one reason why I just always have.
7-7-19 Ok, so don’t let me lie, I KNOW exactly why I always hated that house, more than a few reasons. Let’s see what story I want to shock ya’ll with first. lol What was it about a month ago now, when I was cutting up on Twitter…I had talked in pretty much detail about my cousin and my youngest son. So, I guess we’ll start with my cousin, when I was 7. Yesss in deed, I learned REALLY early on exactly what men like! uhhh huhh lol…The house in the pics, that I was raised in. Next door was my grandparents on my 2nd dad’s side. My grandfather had a real huge garden. I have a huge family, on my 2nds dads side, they all lived right around that area, right down the road actually. My cousin Mike, RIP….later in years when we discussed this, neither one of us rememberd too much. But here’s what I do remember. I was 7, I think he around 16 at the time, we were both next door at our grandparents house, in the “second bedroom” he got me to go down on him…And I honestly, the only thing that I can remember was saying something like “you pee out of that” thats it…soo believe me, I’ll be coming back around to Mike a lil later.
That House And The Man In The Shadows
So, about the house, more specifically that creek and the two rivers that go into the creek, RIGHT NEXT to the house. Us three kids, we weren’t allowed to play in that creek, with the water mocassions and shit, oh hell no..but that didn’t stop us from mud riding and messing around but in them rivers. Matter of fact, I don’t know if any of you thats around my age remember back in the 80s the bands Zebra and Lillian Axe…well back then, both of them played on the beach one of the rivers. But anyways,,,there’s been alot kids thats drowned over time playing out there. one of them, especially, when I go to think about it now, still freaks me out about how he was found, I think he was like 16 or so. Needless to say, there are plenty of restless souls that roam the banks of the creek and two rivers ok…And yes im being all for real especially with this story. Well, I was 10, that was in ’82, in the fourth grade at this time….and I’ve talked about this shit here already also..on Twitter…The movie ET had JUST came out, Us as a family went and saw the movie…I hadvery sheer “Hollie Hobby” curtains on the windows, you could see shadows and everything through them curtains. And being that I’ve NEVER been one to sleep much at all, I was STILL up…That’s the first night I started seeing the shadown of a man at my windown, on the backside. cuz if you look at the pictures of the house up there, my sister and I we shared the room on the corner. Of course, getting my dad up and him running out in the back in his tighty whiteys with his 44….and NOT seeing anyone…he just wasn’t none too happy lol..It was just said that there was probably kids messing around out there at the creek…Now, for those that know where I’m at, the distance is less than from to the parking lot by the store, to give you an idea of just how close that creek is to that house, OMG i can’t lieee, I have chill bumps and freaking out remembering this as I’m typing it…Oh we will be defintitely coming back this as well…Oh and yea just real quick, it was because “this” kept happening over time, this is what brought me to leaning and studying about The Philidelphia Experiment, Just fyi ….
“Can I Take A Peak?”
So, at 11 years old, that same year in 83 when the “100 yr flood” happened,which like i said, I had started my period for the first time, then a month after that, I wasn’t a virgin no more…Seems like daddy’s side of the family..I mean looking back, I started wearing a bra at EIGHT, by 11, I was wearing a C Cup….and momma was having to get my bras specially made for me,, i mean i have finished puberty at 12, and I was 4’1- 1/2″ and I know when I got pregnant at 16, I was only 82 #s then, so I was REALLY TINY with HUGE boobs…so yea I guess in a way. yea, well this time it happened to be my great uncle on my dads side, I guess just like the rest of us, he was just an old perverted fart at that time, and well, I guess he couldn’t help himself ….I had big ass titties for that age, come in my room while im doing homework, offering me a piece of his damn wriggles gum he always had to see my titties, among other things…smh…I never spoke to him at that. But i guess, knowing how I do think like a man alot of times, well…most of the time,..I guess I can twist it, to where I can get it…Are ya’ll starting to notice that about me???? Well, if you haven’t noticed my pattern yet, you will soon enough lol…
Turning 14: A LOT Happened That Year!
Dayyyymn, ya’ll I went to start typing about something, and then it hit me…i couldn’t start by telling “THAT” yet…and then alot started flooding my head…SMFH I’m sitting just cracking the fuck UP at myself lmao…I guess I’m supposed to be being honest with myself right? Oh Lord lmao…Let’s see here, when i turned 14, thats when I had started my first job, which was working at Wendys. I was allowed to start dating. And mamma didn’t see no point on making me double date, being that we’d all be doing the same thing. Which we did, my best friend at that time, she would end up on the hood of the car, and I would end up in the back seat. lol Boy, when her and I would do our double dates, she just HAD to call out that we were playing quarters, ….she would get my ass sooo daymn drunk………on a HALF OF CAN OF BUSCH BEER!!!!!!!!!!!! okay now, stop laughing ..I did admit to it though lmfao I would be so stupid drunk, and then turn around and be fucking until we had to take me home for 11 curfew.
A Guy Named Jerry….Or Was It Tony….Or…???
That year was also the first time that I ended up taking a trip to Greece, unexpectedly. But it an ok trip, wasn’t too bad. Soooo, about Jerry….I had another best friend, she had her first baby and was married, i think she was 11 got pregnant and had him and was married and still was going to school until she the baby, well…jerry lived in her neighborhood, thats how I met him. He was 17. Now, remember I was 14 …taking my first trip to Greece with him…So, momma ends up figuring out that her mom worked at the hosptial all night while i was spending the nght, and she had “HEARD” of this guy named Jerry, of course i’m not saying his last name. Well…me and jerry wanted to continue to fuck, and I wasnt allowed to go to my girlfriends house anymore…..Soooooooooooooo…I devised “this plan” and started putting it into motion. okay yall are gonna die laughing…lol..After supper one night, cleaning the kitchen with her, I had told her that there was new boy in school. He transferred from Tn. (Ummmm YESSS I DO REMEMBER THE DETAILS! ) And I had given Jerry the name Tony, I dont remember the last name I came up with though…So i was allowed to out on a few dates, and that was the first time she had met Jerry THINKING he was “Tony”. Welp this DID work for a few times. It sure did…he’d pick me up, we’d head just down the rooad, to the river, park on the beach, get our fucking on and have my ass back before 11…Then I dont know what happened….lmfao!!!!!!!!!!! and momma was freaking calling the fucking cops, ill get to that later, i wanna laugh right now..well we turned in the drive way, and she had the fucking sheriff there ALREADY…
I’m gonna tell yall…We walked in holding our breaths, we both being cool. now remember he IS 17, NOT 16. soooo, the sheriff looks at jerry and says “Son what’s your name?” ……………………..boy look, Jerry looked at me, I looked at him, I cut them eyes at him,shurgged my fucking shoulders cuz i just knew we were NOT getting out of this one..all i could say was “dude the jig is up” …..at which point, he said his first and last name, …..and which point…..my mommas jaw….HIT DA FLO’ AND HER JAW HIT THE FLOOR SO HARD, SHE MADE A HOLE IN DA FLOOR WIT HER JAW, WHILE SHE WAS SHITTING 15 GOLD BRICKS AT THE SAME TIME!!! ????????? Well we all what happened after that…yep…my ass was sure grass for a fucking long time! lol That shit wasnt funny then!!!
The Pool Party
Well, I was raised deer hunting.. yesss I used to go deer hunting, yes I’d go sit out in them stands…nooo, I was never to kill my own….okay, a long time contractor, he owned a carpet store just down the road. Thats where daddy ordered his formica, then we would go a lil bit farther down that same road and get it coved…I mention this cuz dad bought out the carpet store when it was doing good. and then it went bankrupt and the previous owned bought it again…this all has reveleance. Cuz it was store owners hunting camp that the WHOLE side of the family would go hunting in liberty Ms. And I have a shitload cousins on my dad’s side of the family. And their ALL construction workers. So every year everyone got together during the summer after got to camp and preparing for hunting season. And every year the store owner would hold a pool party.
So what made this year so different, so memoriable? hmmm…it was my dad’s oldest brother this time. My uncle….Ya know…oddly enough, dad never fucked with me. Oh im almost positive he had thought about it, I mean, i get it now…Matter of fact, a long I got it, it was made VERY FUCKING CLEAR to me, just what a man wants and what a man likes…I think what had effected me the most, was not what had taken place..it was the fact that he couldnt accept this time, I guess it was his brother. He couldnt accept it, which meant he didnt believe me when momma told him. That kinda was a huge blow for me. I knew this of the family was my adopted side. I don’t fucking know, i don’t know if that could be why…Cuz i wasnt real blood ya know…I don’t know i still havent been able to figure that out yet, but it just seemed like in my own mind, the only way I could deal with it, and the only logic that i’ve seen and could see then, was that I wasnt blood…So Ya know that really was…huh???
Being The Outcast, The Black Sheep
It started when I was 7, me feeling alienated from everyone. Even though, I was accepted…i wasn’t accepted or I was just looked at as a young woman in a very young childs body…So, i stayed in my room, I read…I read alot alot of books, I’ve always loved to read, I could leave….leave everything just leave, but was still locked up in my room, music and reading just was always my refuge. I guess from reading so much and what I had experience in my little life thus far, there was nothing but me, what was in my head….and pen and paper…that’s when I started writing my poems…..i started writitng out of my pain. I had learned boys and men wanted that shit, And i was always desperately seeking acceptance. From the family, from my school, my peers. I could always find boyfriends and dates outside of my school district. But in school…I was always picked on, bad dirty tricks were always played on me. just always done wrong. even though…oh ive always always been soo sooo trusting. And Lord, so gulliable and naive…that’s usually how i always even still getting my ass in some kind of trouble. I was always by myself, only me …and my mind…so I guess, without even realizing what i was doing, my mind started twisting things, just so I could deal with whatever..deal with all of it. Shit, never in my life being accepted, never in my life have i ever been understand, I seem have always out of the need of acceptance especially from my family, ive always tried to “prove” myself to eveyone that i was good enough, that i had changed, that i “whatever” but i guess because ive never been understood, i was just always judged….then casted out! Which brings me to……
My First BBC Experience
Mourning The Loss Of My Real Father
6-30-19..Ya know, I had started this blog a couple of weeks ago, when my back went down. And I honestly couldn’t get through it to finish this. My life….it’s been a very hard life for me. One that’s been filled with alot of pain, alot of hurt, alot of regrets, just alot of….alot of everything….. And Yes, I admit, it’s been about half and half I guess. One half being my total fuck ups. Always being a very trusting soul…. and naive. So, my situations in my younger years I had seemed get my ass in some totally fucked off situations because trusting others and not realizing I was putting myself into something that I shouldnt have. No matter what, it was my fuck ups. The other half I had no control over. If you looking to read about happy times, I guess you’ll be very disappointed. Cause in my life, my happy times, looking back has been very short lived…..
On the night of June 26, 2019 at 11:30 PM, my little sister on my real dad’s side contacted on FB Messenger informing me that my real father had unexpectedly passed on. He was 69, would’ve turned 70 in Nov. I just talked to my Step Mother Friday night, they can’t figure out why or how. So this blog has now taken a total turn. In the end of it all, this man was my only family. He NEVER NOT ONCE judged me, NOT ONCE! Even after everything, when I would talk with him, he sat and listened quietly about everything that I would tell him…what all I was going through. He knew about me working. I never lied to him. He knew it all. Not once did he say anything bad, even though it may have hurt him to hear the things that I would speak about. There’s one thing, HE LOVED ME STILL WITH NO JUDGEMENTS…..AN UNCONDTIONAL LOVE. These that’s just non existent these days. I know he died with his own regrets with the decisions he made with his first child. me…..Through it all, I do know, that we had made our peace with each other long ago. This is one thing that ummm, I’m so freaking glad that happened. Cuz now, I’m thinking about my other parents. The ones in these pictures… Even though, I do regret not talking to him more, as I’ve let this job and all the shit that I’m having to do by myself with this job take over. the sad realization to take time out no matter what to call him more. Well that shit hit me yesterday, When I went to tell myself, “I need to stop what I’m doing and call dad up” ……Sooooo…………
Watch What You Wish For
6-30-19…. I think it was last Sunday when I was on Twitter acting a fool and cutting up on there. Well in between me cutting up with a few things, and the responses I was getting back, prompted my love of shock value to take over. And well, I knew everyone following me on Twitter wasn’t ready to hear all this about me, MY TRUTHS, MY REALITIES. I explained about my youngest son, and talked about my cousin…. And well, seems like not many knows what a “boundary” is or what that actually means. And, hey my own mother doesn’t know what a boundary is either…so, I guess i’m used to it….And the ones that do know what that means, can’t seem to respect that, or don’t care to….or both. Well, when you want to about the provider that you are interested in seeing, one can never imagine what has gone on in any persons life. I mean, I guess when someone asks or goes to dig into someones life, maybe the only things that is imagined is just “regular” stuff……………….Then I come along……smh lol daymn…ya know someone told me recently, talking about Empaths, he told me, I wish I was an Empath. my response: “okayyyy now, ya need to watch what you wishing for….that’s powerful.” Soooooo….get ready, hold onto your britches cuz you are in for one hellva nightmareish roller coaster ride. Cuz once and for all, I’m gonna lay it all out, and answer everyone. It aint gonna be fucking sugar-coated for “public appearance” concerns either. It’s hasnt been sugar-coated to me in my life. Prepare yourselves, cuz here goes…..
My Harsh Reality
7-1-19..This was actually an email that I have sent to someone, using speech to text, I couldn’t type it, so I “spoke” it, I’m cleaning it up, fixing the typos etc, and adding to it
It was my real dad who has passed. My mother and my real dad got divorced….well, I know my mother and my adopted father got married exactly week before I turned 3. And my birthday is January 18th in 72 . My real dad gave my adopted dad…. he allowed him to adopt me and gave me my last name in hopes that I would have a good family life. For most of reality, for the most part I did….on the outside. I had a shotgun wedding when I was 16, a month and 2 weeks before I turned 17. I have kyle June 10th of 89. That same year my first husband and I went up to Washington State to move up there and that was the first time that I knew of that I had met my real dad. My mother told me about the adoption when I was eight.
I was 17, married had a 5 month old child and moved up to Washington State met my real dad, I had asked my husband for a divorce because he would not work, he just wouldn’t. After which he left went back to Louisiana. I stayed with my son. I regressed as a child…..A child regressing as a child. I’ve got two sisters that are up there and I was trying to guess I was trying to recapture or capture what I had lost in time with my dad. At the time, I had no idea what was going on…. Or why I felt what I felt. Which in reality, was jealousy of my two sisters…. I just was trying to have a little piece of being able to experience my dad that my two younger sisters up that up there had with him, that I didn’t. But, I was this new person that walked into this familys life. That they had to automatically accept cuz I was biologically his child. Even though, I was a “grown”, married with child 17 year old “woman.” With that being said;…..
One day when he was home from work and I was home, nobody else was there. I was laying down on the couch with him, and that’s what started this affair thing and of course with me regressing there was problems in the house. Even though I am his daughter, the last time he had seen me was before I was 3, I believe. So I was a woman, not a daughter…in a man’s eyes…We didn’t have that “father/daughter” connection. And with trying to gain that connection, it ended up being an “adult” connection instead. So him and my stepmother got separated, I moved into the apartment with my real dad and I lived with him like I was his wife for eight months. Kyle was more like his son than his grandson at that point..
After 8 months I had thought that I was pregnant and I ended up, with the help of people fucking with my mind…. I ended up having him arrested…..a long story short, not really realizing or thinking about the future or anything, at 18, I put a lifelong injunction on him in Wash St. It took me ten years to make contact with him again. I called him out of the blue on my sisters birthday, cuz she was on my mind. Of course, on one of my notorious spontaneous notions. lol
About my mother and my adopted dad. My parents are very Roman Catholic. My mother worked for the Catholic diocese for almost 20 years. When I was living either in Indiana or Knoxville. I stayed only a few months and wanted to go back home. While I was talking to my mother, trying to get her to see that “I changed” (forever TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF WORTHY OF MY FAMILY! ONLY NEVER TO BE WORTHY ENOUGH FOR THEM! IN THEIR EYES, I WILL ALWAYS BE THAT 14 YR OLD THAT WAS SNEAKING OUT OF HER BEDROOM WINDOW. oh yes she told me not to sneak out the window, at 18, after being divorced, with a car and keys to the house…yeaaa..she sure did! smh…..THIS IS THE REASON BEHIND ME FUCKING ABSOUTLEY HATING ABOUT PROVING MY FUCKING SELF TO ANY DAMN PERSON! MY ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOURS ARE MY PROOF, JUST AS IN ME GIVING BLOWJOBS, FOR EXAMPLE!)……. made my mother a promise if she sent $200 I would go through an exorcism. Being that my mother found out of my spiritual beliefs were different, that I was Wiccan. And my family believes that Wiccan is devil worshipping……
(Continued from top of page….) When my grandmother died, my mother’s mother. The when I took after in height and everything. Well first of all I almost was NOT allowed to go to my last grandparents funeral, my grandmother’s. Now remember, I said up top that I had been close with her. …. because they didn’t want me around to make trouble….you would think that I was some kind of fucking killer, they way they put me out to be. My favorite aunt, which is my mother’s youngest sister, pitched the biggest freaking hissy fit and bitched about me going, saying she wasnt going to her mother’s catholic funeral if. I was going. You have no idea what it made me feel like that my favorite aunt, while being in line to be served to eat, realized she was getting way to close to me, and jumped away from me, …..would not even get near me because I so happen to have a demon inside me so they believed. I went through the motions that day, Ashtons first he “saw” …..which my dad and brought to the front without talking about it…smh…with his crutches and all lol…seems to me, I was just the quiet person in the corner, and they were the ones causing the drama, making a spectual out of me, I eat and left quietly, tears streaming down my face.
So …..on this promise, come to find out he had already known about me and what my mother had said all those years being a working at the diocese and he was a retired priesthe was not able to sign on the paperwork on this so-called exorcism and then they’d be to younger priest and a priest well a male and a female priest. Upon further discussion with this retired priest that had already been conditioned about me I was supposed to name every sexual partner I’ve had since I was 7 years old and I was also supposed to RE forgive everybody I have forgiven that had included my real dad at the meantime. I had just went into the Rocky mountains that was Alice living in Knoxville before I came home that’s right I have went into the Rocky mountains and I had put I dug a hole into the path where I was and I put on my little problems in that hole I even wrote about that and one of my blogs. So I was supposed to calcinado hellacious reliving again that I had just relived in order to be certifiable exercised out or whatever you want to call it I don’t know.
because I had chosen to break that promise and not to go through the exorcism. The family decided to say that oh just miss the old Michelle is still being the old Michelle she’ll never change she’ll never learn so never enough to manything. and because mother took $200 and on a credit card to bring me back home and hid it from my daddy my adopted one and because my little sister around the side had to help mother paperwork and then Daddy ended up finding now they had chosen to disown me because I broke that promise and I still have a demon inside me and well I didn’t pay the $200 back or it doesn’t even matter at this point it’s all the same they’ll never even see me as any other person besides what they see me as
the only person out of that family that I thought I still kind of had was my little brother last year when I went to buy bus tickets to go home for Mardi gras after 7 years of being gone and I ended up not being able to go because my ID situation at that point I came to find out when I went and called my brother to just tell him I was going to be there for a couple of weeks by his reaction I’ve realized my brother did not want to have anything to do with me and had been faking it the whole seven years I have been gone why are you coming to Louisiana you don’t need to come here to Louisiana why are you coming here for vacation you can go elsewhere in the middle of February those kind of things with his reactions.
He’s 5 years younger than me and my little sister on that side is 8 years younger than me and she’s a total bitch then I should really is. I’m from that day that I called to let my brother know that I was going to be in town and he reacted that way I’ve not spoken to him since
Now about my kids my oldest son I had sent back down home with his dad is Dad came to pick him up in Washington while I was in the process of supposedly going to court against my real dad which he pled borgin and I did not have to go how’s Dad came and got him so it ends up that callus grandparents on his dad’s side raised him. His dad ain’t much better than I was when I was a kid trying to figure out a fucked-up life at that point still fucking up just I don’t know I was just being there but I was always a good person I just happen if I fuck up and not mean to really. To trusting and to naive but it always basically boiled down to I was always getting my ass into situations I didn’t realize I was getting into. So
And 19 I met my second husband I didn’t know he was a pedophile he was 12 and a half years older than me. so my second husband help me to get weekend every other weekend visitations with my oldest son I got plenty of this three and that four and a half after I had married this man and I was picking his son up and my son I put was exactly a year apart come to find out my second husband was molesting both kids my son was was 4 1/2.
so after all the years of his grandparents that raised him lying and my parents conditioning and whatever else Kyle said he gave me one more chance to not buy and he he found some way or whatever that is supposedly lying the last time he had talked to Ashton. He deemed me to be lying which like I said I wasn’t and I haven’t spoken to him since he doesn’t want to have nothing to do with me
Now we have Ashton to talk about. Well let’s see his dad was a drunk every time you got junk he’d beat me it took me over three months to plan on leaving and when I did it was very careful planning to do and get that accomplished. I was always afraid of Jason well considering the life no help no one to depend on I moved around quite a lot of reason being is because I can never find proper healthcare from my back in Louisiana edit every time I move I have a situation and have to come back home I’ll be home sick anyways so that happened every time I moved out of state up until I move to Pennsylvania which ironically enough with the help of my mentor I had done an exorcism myself on somebody else I know for a fact I’m not possessed with demon by the way so after several times a day mean this and Ashton not having in my parents eyes take them home and you know the whole nine yards.
when I moved to PA I was finally able after dealing with and getting with the guy that was actually possessed getting away from that mother fucker I was able to get a apartment on housing authority that’s when everything just went to shit with Ashton hit always been possessive hit always been and I was trying to fuck my life is for school is concerned he would tell lies on me get CPS involved just different shit. He’s one of those entitled motherfuking millennial ditches that thinks and had plans for every fucking since of my social security money all of which was nothing of me included that I was able to buy in his mind anyways at and all that started at seven years old.
Yes I was living on 300 a month from welfare plus food stamps I didn’t have much to offer to do with money I didn’t have a washer and dryer I hand washed all of my clothes me and Ashton’s down to the comforters and everything he brought that up the last time I talked to him about hand washing clothes which was right before I broke my arm I had gotten a new washer and dryer and it’s gone by that time apparently he hated me and wanted to kill me I don’t know exactly why but because about the situation of toughing it out and then he wanted to kill me and then I guess you know the story from there
So now back to my real dad my real dad knew my dad knew the truth he knew about me working he he from the time that I first called him after 10 years I’m always told him the truth. I mean after all I’m being like his wife or eight months by what 90 and I’m not going to not do it and be able to tell him anything I don’t know I just never hit anything for me and he always stayed quiet on the phone listening to me. Never not once did my real dad judge me not once. Not once. Compared to the family that he gave me up to thinking back then I was going to have a good home those people judged every bit of me. Those people can’t deal with any other way with situations besides silence this is why I hate silence and I hate for people not to acknowledge me at all or just too late ghost on me I don’t deal with that well because my family just seems like they can just not talk to each other which my sister and I’ve done quite often over the years that’s how Bruce my dad was it just don’t talk to people when he don’t have a torn be around just disown some family sees on how to deal but any situation just disown them.
oh I forgot I married my third husband right out of prison 2 after 17/2 years of being in prison so that was another night to my family’s brownie points to hold against me just to he left the night before Columbine high School shooting happened 20 years ago that was the last time I got married and divorced that was three marriages so everybody looks at me like I’m a failure besides my dad who just passed he was the only one that saw me as a human that just never got a break and he just never judged me he was the only family in my eyes that I had.
all of my peers is always judged me my family now I realize my supposed best friend of 22 years was the one doing all that black magic after 8 years of not seeing her in person either CVC everybody in my life I’ve ever in my life but to begin to love well. Love I guess it’s conditional when I try to teach Ashton love is unconditional it was still conditioning conditional to kill me because he hated the way he was raised but I don’t think he was so bad he felt so I guess. I buy for was not perfect II made plenty plenty of mistakes through my ears are brazen Ashton but I don’t think it was so bad to work I would drive someone to make them, a child at that want to kill me but yet again I am the kind of person that when I get pissed like that yeah I mean he knew the buttons to push it is very manipulative very VERT VERY Annie monette 15 when he blackmail me a couple years ago he hasn’t changed either I’ll always fear that child even though I miss him.
I believe that Ashton was knew what he was doing when he left me to live. I really believe he did the way he planned everything out he knew you knew it was Id be a walking dead person rest of my life. Like it’s on me I can’t feel in the only one that I feel for is that married man that I see. Unbelievably enough he sparked something in me and I actually feel love again in some kind if form really any kind of form because I never could build love ever since Ashton left yeah he he didn’t kill me so he can kill me inside and keep me alive. He chose my death to be a long slow tortured while I’m alive is what he did and it was all pretty hard to come to terms with that one that’s exactly what he did. After he left what all this stuff that I found or didn’t find or that he had hit or that he had planned and all this other shit he did yeah it was part of the plan and it’s in records it’s all after all the counseling went through after that it’s all in records about all that so
So you seen when you said that you wanted to hear happy stories well I’m not going to lie and then I mean I sent into this wrecking room all by myself dandy out on this fucking job bad people make me beg and grovel mobile Twitter to pay rent I’m not sure what story you want to hear. Or actually if I have a story to tell that’s Happy thanks long-lived because my happy stories are short-lived they all end in some kind of pain and heartache whether it was my fault or not
I really don’t think of is that bad of a person that my whole family would disown me because I was just saying oh she’s the same old just problem Michelle whatever
So thank you for listening I have not been able to write this blog with that peek into my life section now that my room dad is passed into answer everybody’s question for the last permanent time why I don’t have any family and while I’m laying here crying riddled with regret and knowing that all three of my parents well two of them I don’t have any hope with. They will always see me and say fucked up worthless whatever they think of me is as demon possessed person that’s so bad that they even though she broke a promise over $200 and an exorcism she’s such a bad person they’ll never speak to me again and never give me another chance so there you have it
The Reasons Why I Shared My Story And Got THIS Personal
If you have gotten ALL the way down here, I’m amazed. lol I did this for a number of reasons. The first reason though, it was for ME! That’s the most important reason for all this! I had to! The subject about my family and I, my wild past has been coming up in conversation lately. Whether it was the wild stories that I have to tell or whatever, it just seemed like it kept coming up. Then my real dad died….That has been a nightmare and a half. I had to do this for me, I had to get it out. Because this is my therapy, my out. When I write, I can take a step back, look at it in black and white, get the outside prespective. And I guess you can tell, that i meant it when I’ve said, I do NOT conform to society’s ways or what others thought i should or shouldn’t do. YESSSS! That has been very costly for me. I’m the one that has to live with my regrets. And reality of it all is, at the end of the day, I’m the only one that has to be in my own skin, just like the rest of us. So at the end of every day, what anyone thinks and says, doesn’t matter. That’s how I’ve just always believed. In todays society, your not allowed to be a free spirit. Everyone has their own opionions about how the other person should live. FUCK THAT!
Yesterday, 7-1, a friend of mine made the comment, “You open your soul to the world.”….Yes I do. First of all, I know from my life, being that I’m just a different kind of person all the way around. I’ve never been understood. And I know that it does help when you understand where a person may be coming or whats going on with them. I especially learned that raising Ashton. With his ADHD, i mean, you couldnt just tell him, “time to go” you had to give him a warning…”we leaving in 10 mins” ….its the same with me, you cant just “spring” things on me, like the “right now thing”. When you know these things, you can find your groove with that person more easily.
I lay my soul out to the world, out to you, in the hopes that you feel more comfortable with me, in hopes that you see that im real, someone thats not out to harm you, so that you can see, im a down to earth person, thats actually really easy to get along with. Also, so you can understand why i may tend to be tempermental as it’s been said in my reviews.
Because the truth of the matter is, i don’t have anyone, everyone I have ever loved in my life, has judged me, criticized me, chastised me, thrown rocks and stones at me, put black magic on me….smh…and condemned me to hell by their own judgements, i guess they felt like they could take on God’s job and felt like they were bigger than God. When we are ALL sinners, one sin is NOT any different than any other. i literally have lost my whole life, the last little bit of my life had been stolen when i got here, I honestly feel like I didn’t have the first chance in hell pretty much from get go. cuz i was my mother’s child from her first marriage. As much as I have fought to make it in my life, with no help….there’s only so much I can do. I am nothing but a failure and someone to hate and turn their backs on in my family. To my family and my sons, im not worthy to them, im less than a no body…..
Its a very harsh and a hard realization when you realize, that apparently you dont belong to any family…With the death of my biological father, yeaaa, this has been very hard to swallow. I don’t know why i still carry the name that i carry, i have often thought about changing it anyways. So in all honesty, i seem to be living the rest of my life, like an empty shell, alone…and very lonely…so lonely to where it eats at me. death makes a person think…i wonder if this life, i was supposed to live out some kind of really bad karma,,,i dont know…i wouldnt wish this upon no one. i know that. sex work to me, it is the only thing that tends to give a reason for me to stay alive, cuz i have to find reasons to stay alive. and the tears just flow down my face….soooo..having visitors…for me…its a life or death thing…its the only human contact i have. besides a few personal friends that i have here. its everything to me…
I’ve learned ALOT OF HARD LESSONS in my life, the conditional love that I always felt that my family had, I tried to teach Ashton about unconditional love. Ya know now, I don’t think there is really such a thing. Seems like EVERYTHING has a condition to it. The way this world judges everyone…it’s NOT WORTH IT. its really not. why???? IT’S NOT OUR PLACE OR OUR JOB TO JUDGE ANYONE IN OUR LIVES, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO ENRICH EACH OTHER IN OUR DIVERSITIES. NOT CONDEM EACH OTHER. Please take it from me, i’ve been to hell and back…..and to hell and back again….ive even lived hell on earth..which Twitter had witnessed recently….it’s not worth it in the end. I’ve lived a life of good and very bad experieneces. i regret most. But I’ve lived my life and it’s made me who i am today…Do I wish to relive it…FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, i wouldnt go back for nothing and change it i dont want to relive that shit again and do it over. lol
About Saying “Sorry” or “Your Strong”
So…The reasonings behind why I say I don’t want to hear “I’m Sorry” …..ummmm, well my thought process when I hear someone telling me this is: “what the fuck are you sorry for?…you don’t know me…so ummm how can you do anything to me to say your sorry….ummm soo…are you sorry for me life then??? sorry im alive?? sorry forrrrr?????” lmao…..
Ok so, I’m actually a VERY prideful person, I don’t want anyone’s pitty, I don’t want anyone’s sorrow or to feel bad for me. I don’t want anybodys anything like that, I fucking can’t stand that shit! That’s not what I’m after, i tell my stories in hopes that it may help others in their lives. I never want or ask for “a hand out”…….I have always just simply wanted “a hand up” ….to be given a chance at life. im not looking for your pitys or feeling bads for me, keep that shit to yourselves please. And telling me me “your sorry”, Kinda like a man…with the selective hearing…lol.. when you say “im sorry” I’m hearing…”i feel sorrow for her and pity her…oh whoowees me” nawww man, that is just NOT in my nature.
Over and over again, I keep being told “Your the stongest person I have ever known in my life” or more specifically what I was told the other day when I was trying to find the money to buy the plane ticket to my real dad’s funeral, that I couldn’t even go to anyways, cuz im not welcomed…is this ” You always find a way. That’s what I like about you. Even no matter how tough it looks you always pull through. Your not like any other woman out there. Your special.”…….Here’s my thought process on being told “Your strong, you can handle it, YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING” ……………
….just best that I quote what I was screaming to someone on Fetlife the other night.…”Its ok no need in sorrys. Actually im state this in my blog to…i know its out of compassion and something thats just normal to say without thinking. But i dont like hearing sorrys about my life and if one more person tells me “your strong, your the strongest person i know, you can youll come up with a way” one more fucking time, im believe ill try to go through my phone to try to strangle a mfer…..I DONT WANT TO BE STRONG GOT DAMN IT, NOBODY FUCKING GETS IT, IM FUCKING SUBMISSIVE! I WANNA BE ABLE TO WEAKEN MYSELF SO I CAN BE ALLOWED TO JUST LET GO BUT I NEVER GET THAT OPPORTUNITY OR THAT RIGHT TO JUST BREAK DOWN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO DO!!!! I HATE FUCKING HAVING TO BE STRONG FOR EVERYONE ELSE I HATE BEING THAT ROCK FOR EVERYONE WHILE IM STRONG ALL MY BY MY FUCKING SELF. NO ONE TO TURN TO, WHO THE FUCK IS STRONG ENUFF TO BE MY FUCKING ROCK??? SO FAR NOT A MFIN SOUL HAS STOOD UP FOR ME TO BE MY ROCK BUT YET EVERYONE IS JUST TOO USED TO ME BEING THEIR ROCK AND SPOILT AND STILL DEMANDING MY TIME I HATE BEING STRONG ALLLLLL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!! IT FUCKING SUCKS BIG TIME”
It’s freaking obvious that I’m strong or I would NOT be alive today, my life, IT’S NOT FOR SOMEONE THAT’S WEAK. You CANT be weak living my life! Telling me “you’ll find a way, your strong, you can do it” …………THAT SETS ME UP FOR FAILURE RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!! I FAILED TO BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH THE MONEY TO BUY THAT PLANE TICKET!
Also, I know im strong….i’ve intimidated men all my life with me being strong…can’t ever find a man strong enough to handle or deal with me and the amount of strength in me…especially when im bound and determined…then it’s on! lol
And i’ve been a failure enough in others eyes, im tired of being a failure, im tired of fucking being EVERYTHING. why can’t I just be “little ole simple,,,but complicated michelle” FUCKING WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE JUST BE ME GOD DAMN IT!????????????????? YA KNOW I MAY BE STRONG, BUT EVERYONE HAS THEIR BREAKING POINTS…AND EVEN WHEN I HIT MINE…FUUUUCK….THIS BITCH AINT EVER ALLOWED TO BREAK DOWN AND JUST LET GO, LET MY GUARD DOWN………..
i hope you can now understand why i hate being told these two things…I thank you for your compassion with telling me these things…..but this is what i’m screaming in my head when i’m told these things.
If One May Feel The Need……
Submit your review