A Sex Worker’s Isolation

Isolated cage everywhere you turn you hit a brick wall you can’t escape you start to pace you start to shiver you start to shake your mouth towards just stuttering so bad from just nowhere to turn where in this day and age where social media rules unfiltered uncensored bullied stalked where in the world you can’t hide you can’t go anywhere to escape, due to the very nature of the business alone with the stigma your shunned your disgraced your shamed your humiliated you disregarded you’re nothing. World of isolation as it is can’t go anywhere outside the door in a world where nobody thinks enough of you to even ask how you’re doing for the day or to even care even care or worry about any of what your heart limits or boundaries or sicknesses or diseases or disabilities may occur and don’t care why just told you crazy and you’re not worth it that you could be dropped on a condition dropped within a second like a hot potato. but you cared enough and you thought of enough to where you’re out in your stall you know you know what you’re not thought of but yet your thought of get my drift You’re regarded but disregarded where your opinion or your voice doesn’t even matter it’s not even heard there’s never least there’s no out when you’ve been walking into sex work you automatically become this supposed this image That’s not you so you can’t even be yourself nowhere to turn You’re so much in the public that you can’t ever speak your real name ever like it doesn’t even exist anymore it gets to where it’s so fucking overwhelming and mind blowing to where you start to become lightheaded and dizzy and I find myself starting to pay some rock when I stand rocking my hips swaying back and forth giving myself comfortable where you won’t you care for someone but you only see them every now and then you kept out of arms distance and went when you judged look down and pull on there’s no way out nowhere to turn what do you do where do you go no money can’t go to a counselor already contacted Bishop what do you do in a world that we have forgotten and tossed out like the small business loans with the bailout with the stimulus packages or whatever that was you know there’s nowhere to turn you know my son used to grab his head with both his hands and just put his head down in his lap when he gets so overwhelmed in his hands with going to his tuples and I do it or I used to know I find myself doing that as well again my rocking and swaying giving myself comfort to ease it it gets so bad or it looks like I’m on some kind of drug or something I’ve had plenty of people accuse me and being high when it was just me rocking comforting myself and loneliness fair when it envelopes you and just overcomes you to a point where your smothered is so mind-blowing you get dizzy you can light at it you just yeah you can’t breathe you just stand in the shower of a hot water and just fall to your knees what do you do where do you go what do you turn to you look online for all these online apps and you can’t even go to them because somebody is going to know you and disgrace you in front of everyone when you don’t even have sex anymore and you’re a sex addict cuz that’s why you came to do sex work because you can’t get released from that neither because the either going to be used taking advantage of or not even thought of sexually either anymore what do you turn to when you go where do you get the release how do you get the release it’s so bottled up inside you can’t even make yourself come because it’s so overwhelming is so drastic and so overcoming it wells up inside it boils over on the outside and now that I can recognize what’s been going on with my outburst is complex PTSD episodes for your loneliness it’s all of it it’s never least it’s no way out it’s being trapped it’s being trapped worse than a tiger a lion mixed a monkey jumping ready to get out screaming ready to get out and yet you never heard it’s worse than feeling like I don’t know maybe buried alive in a coffin it’s feeling like it an early stage of dementia in your forties it’s loss of control can’t do nothing but I have to have to sit here and hold it in so much and so long you just hold it in You’re holding it You’re holding it and you know you’re about to bust and you can’t do nothing about it you can’t bite your wall you can’t just bite your head and you can’t freaking throw a brick you can’t do nothing you just sit here and your whole body just vibrates to where you feel like you’re lifting up off the bed you vibrate so much it’s kind of trapped that just is undeniable is unspeakable it’s unheard of it’s unimaginable but yet it is it’s a trap that’s so bad that I can’t even type I can’t speak it’s the kind of trapped way you just you’ve lost control over everything in your life The isolation and the horror it just it’s undeniable so it’s just so melts up as wearing this coronavirus stage whatever everybody’s complaining about 2 months of isolation try 3 years 3 years and nobody’s thought about it but yet everybody bitches now it’s a trapped caged jail cell where you never just you just lay here and you can’t do nothing it’s so bad to work you literally you can’t even move you frozen still in fucking caged up isolation cuz you can’t go nowhere I can’t turn to where I can’t talk you can’t speak and it’s it’s something that I can’t even just it’s horrible I’m sex workers everywhere I guess yeah when you you know you can’t talk to your family you don’t have no friends because you’re all isolated so overwhelming it’s so beautiful God is so overwhelming. It’s when you get to the point when you love to write you can’t even write anymore you just you can’t do nothing anymore it’s being trapped in your own mind your own body your mind just is screaming screaming screaming screaming out everybody says you can talk but yet I can’t I’m frozen trapped frozen still, it’s overwhelming sensations it’s crippling it’s gripping it’s mind-blowing it’s numbing it’s dizziness it’s speechless it’s there’s no way to compare it there’s no way to describe it there’s no description that can be all in one so it could be understood and felt like it should… and yet it doesn’t even matter because you never really heard anyways not enough to make a difference when only a handful of people care out of a whole world of a billions and billions of people it’s not enough to make a difference it’s only my account of identifying and recognizing what I’m going through as a sex worker it’s just one small measly little voice and a sea of a whole bunch of faceless nameless people that don’t bother not nothing I’m just trying to find a way out to express That’s all.

8: 04 am 5-25-2020

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