A slave ALWAYS Needs To Have Direction
Being true to my nature, i guess it wasn’t gonna happen till now. And happened, it definitely did. The signs have been there for awhile now. I knew I was losing my grip on holding it all on. I mean who could, really. After THIS long. And well, not having the very basic of the need in order for me to keep going…direction…i finally found 8myself in that horrific downward spiral.
Me having direction, something that I can set my sights on, set my goals and my focus on. Putting my blinders on, there just about nothing that can vet in my way. I can move mountains and the miracles happen, just about. Without direction, I go into a complete tailspin down. Ive been trying to get everyone to underdtand this about me. This is why, the “right now” thing sends me into a panic. Not having any order or structure, nothing definite to put my focus on.
The Breaking Point
The website….my main goal for everyone, for everything. So that you go to one place and get all of me. Ive put my whole being into something so that everyone could have and enjoy it. Put over $2000 of my own money into that site. And on 771 a month. With just a couple of months that ive had “this” one…ive sacrificed a lot of my own personal.
…..Alllll to lose it in a split seconds time.
Annnnd this is EXACTLY what I meant about all of my hard work and investing my whole being, my time and energy…and the money into incorporating myself as a separate entity to give us all more than I can offer now. That I wouldn’t allow for any slight slip ups. Cuz here we are…for the FOURTH TIME!!!! And with each time its more costly in every way there is.
Possesing The Ability To Discipline My Time
This is just NOT possible for me to do without having a set direction to focus my time or energy on. To keep track, to be aware of. There’s 2 aspects of me that are HUGE factors that play into this. And actually both are equally the same. And is the very reason I can NOT control this part of me.
Those two aspects being:
The slave in me
The Empath in me
Both aspects will fight against each other, UNLESS ive been given a task by a trusted Dom tgat ive submitted to, THAT overrides everything.
This is how my brain, my body my whole being functions. That’s the way its always been. It’s the very core of me. Even as a kid. And with this job, seems like everyone expects a provider to change in an instanst like a chameleon to fit the mood that may strike the clients fancy at that second. I can’t do that, cant be expected to. Im just me. And thats hard enough to keep up with.
So, with this said, I do NOT possess the ability to discipline my time correctly. The empath in puts everyone first. Everyone is more important. I can’t help that. And I explained that in my blog, Empaths Explained” I lose track of time
The slave in me, this is my need of structure cones in. And if I don’t have it, then …basically refer back to number 1..the paragraph right above. Lol
The importance Of Having Visitors
This is where you will hear me start almost like begging to have a visitor, this MAKES ME STOP. AND IS THE ONLY WAY THAT ILL BE ABLE TO STOP!!! Unless ive been given a task to do so. Like I said, if ive submitted to a Dim, any task given will override EVERYTHING! So, the importance behind having visitors is more or less taking the place, lack of better words, it takes the place of task given. Due to it gace me direction, a structure, something to focus on. Most take me saying about making me stop as a whole different, opposite way than what it actually means. Remember im DIFFERENT than most others. REMEMBER on my home page is says it, to take me like any other is to not get me. To read me, my actions etc like you would read or take others, youd be reading me so very wrong!!!!
So hopefully by explaining ín detail the very core of how and why I function like I do. You can then pick up exactly my moods and what is needed.
Since the site went down
Its been FIVE DAYS now, last thurs on the 22nd tge site went down. So, guess what, that’s how many days ive been working at it, pushibg through. Researching hurrying to update the free website, what Ive dubved it to be my back up site.
Admiting the truth
This month THIS WHOLE MONTH OF AUGUST. And I don’t know if I should do this but, really what the fuck do you expect when no one that has ANY kind of knowledge about what I was dealing with, will offer any kind of small piece of advise. Ck from ourhome2 has been the only person that offered to share some kind of insight, about any of it. So, holding the constant guilt that ive held for the this whoke month, and the amount of failure that ive been feeling besting myself up about letting everyone down. I have to stop taking blame on this. And being that I know theres SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT HAS A SMALL AMOUNT OF KNOWLEDGE, I xan nane more than a few people…but it dobt matter I guess now does it.
Nawww…it just cost over $2000 plus more cause im having to start completely over. Nit to mention my energy and time….AND ESPECIALLY MY HEART AND SOUL, which is what hurts the most.
Since august 2nd the site had gone under several harsh brute force attacks. I at the time, had no clue about NONE OF THIS at tjis given time. If only someone couldve offered insight on word press plug ins…but I learned the hard way and on my own.
So, since the first of minth ice been frantic, scared, knew my nane was on those documents knew the responsibility, didn’t know who to go to THAT I COULD TRUST for some help about what was going on and how I coukd stop it
The 2nd was the first brute force attack I had. And whike I had security out of the ass on that site, and I mean I have literally oyt everything into securing this site. That’s why I couldn’t understand and then everything was showing no malware, the performance was FUCKED LIKE you wouldn’t believe. Sone of the coding and even though I still don’t understand any part of it, I’ve started getting the basics….by learning the hard way.
Sunday August 18th
Between the times of 11:40 am to 11:51 am now let me point out to everyone that’s a toal of 11 minutes time, right? Ok…I received 102 notifications of failed login attempts. With each notification being for failed login attempts each notification so 4 * 102 failed login attemps that means that in 11 freaking minutes time I had 408 hits, being failed logins attempts. Each notification I was sent that had failed had a different IP, and was locked for the next 24 hours time so that was a 102 different IP’s hitting that site in 11 minutes time that had been locked for 24 hours
And let me make sure that I tell you what was going on during that time of HOLY FUCK!!! WHAT WAS I DEALING WITH???!!!!
During that time I had the last person that reviewed me texting me on my work phone talking about how he misses my face and talking about how he spent all his hubby money for the month and how he wishes he can spend some time with me and just chill
I in the meantime do not have a cigarette in one do not have food one to eat or to help with my stress in between that I had two other people up in my email talkingshit telling me what I needed to do what I do this nothing whatever else they decided they wanted to do and tell me about myself
All the while well everybody’s fucking with me during a time I need to be paying attention so what’s going on which by the way I’ll have everyone of you know but my every waking moment is on this computer so guess what I know everybody’s moved what they do where they come from with psychic come from what page they leave my sight from I know every fucking move that is made on my website you don’t think I do???? This is called part of the security I just wanted to let you know that.
This is how I knew how many downloads per day everybody was doing. So, while everybody is worrying about Penny Annie’s shit guess what I was worried about. I was worried about everybody else I was worried about the word of Honor that I’ve given to everybody I just worried about your privacy I just worried about your security I was worried about everybody with no cigarettes no food when hungry Sunday I sure did I did not eat until Monday evening very late evening. I was worried about what has gone wrong what happened I’m just worried about my owner my integrity my word which is your privacy I had everybody in mind in the whole wide world I literally had a whole world on top of my shoulders at that point in time well everybody was selfish I was worried about everybody.
Monday August 23
So, Monday morning one last small brute Force attack that come Monday night come to find out what is the end of the site. You know after 3 weeks of panic of worry of stress of worrying about everything that I had to worry about and the responsibilities and then legalities of other website that any website owner has just this responsibility alone not in not even thinking about me doing a business just the responsibility of a website isn’t nature isn’t is so fucking huge is unreal. There was no time to decompress there was no time to distress there was no time for none of it nobody offered to help that knew they could have offered any kind of little bit of tidbit information that could have helped my stress levels and help your privacy thank God I wasn’t taking payments online.
Matter of fact I had just gotten in touch with McAfee so that I can make sure that I was compliant with the laws to have everything ready for everything so that I can take payments online and so that I can sell everybody the content that everybody wants. Monday night I couldn’t take no more and this is right after I emailed the representive that I’m talking with at McAfee that I decided for the first time and I can’t tell you how long to go soak in the tub. salon went and soaked in the tub and I ended up falling asleep I was so stressed.
Guess what happens when I get out of the tub of course one blow after another after another after another after another after another after another after another more than a year now has been like this!!!!!!
Something tells me because I can’t tell from my end I see everything like it’s supposed to be seen because I’m in my dashboard something told me to go to the website on my phone what do I see on the front end of the website the whole website exposed and exploited all the code. What the fuck
So now the whole website coding is exposed!!! WOW!!!! I just tried to relax!!!! AGAIN frantically panicing, hurrying to put the damn site under maintenance mode quickly one of the programs that would not do it I had to go and finagle everything to make it go under maintenance mode in between that I’m getting other emails from other motherfukers wasting my time while I’m worried about everyone’s privacy and to protect you everyone of you giving you my word of Honor why people love them not even worried about….. fucking doesn’t even matter. Smh
Okay so I think I’m lost them dates whenever the site went into maintenance mode. I think that may have been listing a matter of fact on a Monday with the tech the last attack I thought it was Monday night anyways I don’t remember anymore.
To fight and struggle against all those wantung to see me fail
The world in general the selfishness that the world has the hatred that the world holds for all others….its by this tgat the world seems to thrive in and feed on…you know out of all the providers that have WordPress websites the smallest of information could have helped. Guess what the problem was. the download manager that I downloaded to start doing the content to start selling the content is what what’s the demise. Me thinking about what others have pushed for I was trying to prepare for to give. The selfishness of others that just don’t want to help don’t want to offer don’t care.
Let me Explain what I mean, last week I put a post up on our home to asking anybody for any kind of anything about hosting a WordPress website and who I could possibly any recommendations any goddamn thing any fucking thing any damn thing anyting not a peep NOTTA NOTHING FUCKING NOTHING ON THAT POST TOTALLY IGNORED.
The ONLYone that offered anything and what little he did gave gave a whole lot for me CK was kind enough to offer ehat he could. That just goes to show.
Its getting harder and harder to NOT have hatred fill my heart
That should say it all.
Whats been done to me and continues to happen to me by just tge sheer selfishness and hatred of others…yea it’s getting harder and harder to not be the same. So, you know after beating myself up all month I don’t plaintively myself all the way anymore. Even though my word of honor is at stake…even though legally im responsible for everyone’s privacy. Though I do not take responsibility of anything that third party. I’m not legally bound by that as I cannot control any third-party anything. But still to me it’s my honor my word the honor that ive always upheld is why im neating myself up anout giving everyone my word that I would do everything in my power to protect you.
Soooooo…on the next
Part 2: Pandora’s box, Stalkers, and FINALLY Breaking…(and NOPE NO ONE WAS AROUND TO BE HERE WHEN I DID!) Coming hopefully within the next few hours I’m wanting to be done with that part
8-28-19 2:05 am