I have NOT proof read this, I havent been able to go back and read any part of this because im TRYING my damnedest to not break down again! These are VERY VERY RAW EMOTIONS! Keep that in mind please. i wrote this..more like dictated while balling my eyes out, right after I did part 1. So this was 8-28-19 about 2:30 AM
My Second Breakdown, Since July
So, I explained the website issues for reason because I’m tired of getting emails going you seem always to be stressed you need to take a vacation you need to take a break take a couple of days off.
My vacation is deactivating Twitter that’s when I get peace. To go with that there really isn’t a vacation when you are under brute Force attacks course at that point, I didn’t know what the hell I was going through or the site do nothing the freaking out.
I had explained in what I’m writing about my son pretty much in detail about this so I’m just going to quickly go over it here. When I first got here. I could no longer feel emotion. I didn’t have the ability to ACTUALLY feel what caring felt like. I could not feel what love felt like. I knew that I cared for a person or for whatever. But I couldn’t, actually feel it. That’s what my son did to me.
So, I didn’t have no problem getting attached to anybody in the very beginning and I kind of liked it like that. Especially looking back now. No man could get close, no one one got in. I didn’t feel, just there was nothing. the was no void or anything like that. It was just not there anymore. Matter of fact, I can’t even remember what it felt like before the whole ordeal that I’ve dealt with about my son. I just…can’t remember it.
Till one person. He’s married, so I was fine with that, till very quickly and VERY unexpectedly…I don’t know, can’t really explain it. and literally I was attached to that person soda sold at person being married. He touched himself away from that connection and I know he remembers me not being able to feel I know it because I guess it took him I don’t know. But you see I’ve always been the to go person that everybody goes to and then I turn around and not have nobody and it’s always taken for granted that I’m around till I’m going to be there. . Just put up on the shelf I guess kill anybody gets ready to use me for whatever reason. So I was patient for right at about a year-and-a-half it’s getting close to two years but. .
With everything that I’ve gone through this year and apparently I’m still praying that it stops in the beginning this person what’s different than clients. In the beginning he respected he respected me my guess somewhere along the line you forgot about all that.
You know it’s obvious when somebody doesn’t make you important in their life. It’s obvious iFly because if somebody wants you into their lives they’re going to make damn sure you’re there. I mean the whole nine yards contacting me early early in the morning everything then all of a sudden then we were fighting, cuz I was confused. Why I miss being pushed away. And then that I cannot remember what love felt like before the trauma not knowing how to deal with what I was feeling is an understatement to say the least and you know I’m a passionate person is it is so when I fell I fell hard. I knew he was married I’ve been through that before. Usually last 2 years or so for me anyways I personally liked it like that there’s usually that boundary unless it’s crossed.
The significance of this person is great because of the emotion Andy black bear rug that I had before or didn’t have rather. Since then it’s been an emotional roller coaster not knowing how to deal with when I’m feeling because it’s so foreign to me. Could you see I don’t remember much the trauma that I’ve dealt with everything’s so blurry everything before what happened with my son and the amount of trauma that I’ve dealt with since I’ve been here everything just seems to be a blur everything’s so like it’s been a hundred years ago when it’s only been two or three months maybe smut back at the first word press site I had it was only just a couple of months ago right for me it feels like a million years ago that’s how much stress and how much bulshit.
What happened today
You know I had told that person before when I got really depressed I stopped baby significance of that is great because that just really says a lot because I’m OCD. Well I was in the bed for 2 days still in the bed actually at 3:30 in the morning I haven’t moved away from this spot and going on 3 days now I didn’t bathe look up Monday around 11 after falling out from drinking coffee sometime that morning I don’t remember I didn’t move, I worked. I didn’t get up.
Then Tuesday I didn’t get up. I didn’t get up to bathe. Tuesday there was no more motivation at all there is no more nothing and grab my mouse and there was nothing to go to direction to I don’t know. it was a couple weeks ago or whatever that this person had contacted me I blocked this person well I did experiment and he didn’t know I blocked him but I didn’t want to see him no more I didn’t want to hear from him no more why would I want to be getting married anybody when they were my refuge and no longer do I feel safe around that person to be my refuge.
Being that the STD scare twice the three months on top of my dad dying on top of the website shit on top of everybody else’s shit on top of everybody else to shit on top of everything else.
He no longer relieved any of my stress he aded to it!!!! so much stress at ONE time TO WHERE I WAS LOSING MY FUCKING HAIR!! AND NONE OF YALL WANT TO SEE WHERE IM FUCKING JUST HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t come here with much as far as month Spirit my soul but I tried it’ll be three years I’ve been here January 29th which is actually the day I am had my miscarriage when I was 19 from being beat. And told I wasn’t gonna have that baby…. And in three years time are two and a half a moment it’s sitting this job the people took my spirit made me feel things I didn’t want to feel that I was happy with not feeling I guess I don’t know .
You meant to destroy a person like breaking a person’s spirit I don’t know I guess I just can’t conceive it but it’s been done so I’m on the way to healing I don’t know where I’m at right now I know all these things to come into my head and they’re coming in my heart there just horrific I don’t want to go to this
And as much as I don’t want to hate anything or anyone right now… I’m REALLY HATING the world I’m hating him because i now feel this hurt! I’m hating it all! I hate it and everyone is done this to me. I hate right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I don’t speak that word that is such a strong word right now I’m feeling that word and I don’t know how to deal with it.
This is not what I want to put out there but you know would you do somebody like it has been done being for so long it’s bound to happen all of its going to eventually come out no matter how much I tried to hold it. I font want to feel what im feel nit niw of it not the hurt and pain not none of it. I don’t know if this is the start of my healing or what it is I just know that I feel dead inside I don’t have motivation I don’t have I just don’t have
All I know right now is on I’m not going to be that go-to person anymore if you can’t show me important in your life why would you be important in mine.
Just really sucks when people figure things out but it’s too late the damage is done it’s always like that
Now I wonder about
You know to that spiritual assault stuff I ended up with tinnitus in my left ear name of that’s damaged of some sort the tamales here in fucking either or like a wheel squeaking or crickets in my ear now always always always all the time never gives me rest from what I understand you get tinnitus with damaged the physical scars that show when I’ve gone through the amount of aging I’ve done in two years it’s horrible I’ve aged so much then put through that much hell because other people felt entitled yeah I broke today I don’t know what’s going to happen I don’t know how to deal with it I don’t know anything at this point I just know I wanted to stop I wanted to go away I don’t want to be happy again I don’t want to feel this and I want those are just continue to try to put the fucking closet unit me alone I want to be happy for next year.
So here it is now its 4 40 am being crying the whole time that I’ve dictated this on my phone I’ve been balling. I just pray because I can’t do no more I just pray. I can go no more. I can’t handle no more I’ve been just been praying for all this just to stop I dont deserve this shit like thus. STOOOOOP!!!! I just want it to stop I want to stop hurting from all the blows.
STOP DUMPING MORE STRESS ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAINS OF STRESS I ALREADY FREAKING HAVE!!! IM NOT A DUMPING GROUND FOR YOUR SHIT AND ALL OF YOUR DRAMA!!!! FUCKING STOP ADDING TO MY STRESS, NOT ONE PERSON EASES MY STRESS LOAD, THIS FUCKING SHIT CAN MAKE A PERSON WANT TO FUCKING START KILLING PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! IVE HAD ENOUGH I CANT TAKE ANY FUCKING MORE I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD MAN!!!!!!!