Can’t See Till You Can See Part 1: Actively Purusing

July 20, 2019 1:34 Am

I had started preparing these 3 blogs last weekend. and I was just beginning to start on the blog “what it means to let go” When I went to pull these back up to read. All these tie in together…and ya know the actual events that i was going thru at the time, doesnt even matter really, That’s not whats important here. What’s important is that I SEE, I see with each situation the patterns that are always there, the pain, change, the letting go, the acceptance, all of it. It’s also important that i see the GROWTH thats taken place. I personally have so much that I have heal from. so much that Ill be writing about. So that I don’t continue to carry with me. So. Im gonna start with these, just so things might make a little more sense…I dont know…maybe it may be just for me…who knows..So here goes.

“Admist of all the darkness, comes light”

Much has been taken from all of us, near and far,

Looking around, seeing communities fall

Seeing once more dispair, urgency and desparation

The Time is NOW, coming together, gain strength from one to another

the key to survival in a community that has fallen, now is placed in the hands of the community itself.

Not all hope is lost, I’ve just witnessed and proudly been apart of the suvival of one community,

tho still struggling, it still stands and survives.

Time is of essense, offer and come together, all can help, everybody, has a role in this, no job too small!!

I offer these words wisdom from one fallen community to another!

“From the fallen stones, arise and become stronger within”

I was speaking about Fosta and about our little sex worker community coming together..written for another community that I had see fall due to Fosta
I think that alot of us in our SW community may have gotten a little too comfortable and may have forgotten what these first few days were like when Fosta happened…maybe we need to go back in time, to remind ourselves, so we can once more bring this community back together again…think about it…

Jan 18, 2019

I am now actively pursuring things in my personal life that I have been neglecting for quiet some time now.

This week has been my “birthday week”, today being my birthday, Only two calls that actually came through, With that being said, a few things have happened, not happened, and have to light for me.

 I have been getting alot of PMs, DMs, and emails saying “come see us” and asking when I will be traveling for ya’ll to be able to get a chance to have the experience that I offer. In order for me to travel, Deposits need to be made, the expenses of traveling need to be secured. We all know this, that deposits are part of the deal with traveling providers.With even offering and letting you know that I’m willing to work with anyone…Apparently, ya’ll didn’t like me implementing my little experiment with the deposits. So therefore, I took it out….I will not put myself in a situation where I’m finding myself not prepared for whatever may arise. With that being said, until you can adapt therefore, deciding you are really serious about me coming to your area and with securing your visits by making deposits You have just answered your own question

I would love to be able to travel to Austin, Dallas, Houston, and make a trip home, with probably stopping in Beaumont, Lake Charles, for sure back home to Baton Rouge and of course New Orleans…This can not be done unless there’s a means to do it.

I also want to point out that I still haven’t gotten my ID yet…this past Monday morning at about 3AM I was ready to go to the hospital to finally get my routine testing done. Was ready to walk out of the door, Went to order lyft, saw the amount, and sat right back down, I couldn’t go, I knew I had 5 more days left of the monthly bills …The two goals I had set for myself was to get my testing done and to get my ID by my birthday….today…Those goal were apparently not within reach for that time.

Ok, sooo, it’s not good for me to be idle, with “idle hands”. Being idle, has ALWAYS gotten me in trouble. lol.. As I found myself idle this week, I set out to reach other goals I’ve made for this year,, I started checking off things on my list. Being that i’m a list person, there’s no list to check things off from work-wise, it’s always on going. So with no work coming though, I started paying attention to things to work on to see that check mark….cleaning my home, I havent been able to REALLY do this, MY way of deep cleaning in a long time. I forgot that cleaning is really something I’ve used as a way to focus my energies on. Forgot how good it makes me feel. That showed me something

That same day this week, on Switter, with just the mention of anything to do with a bike, I noticed, I perked up, really quick. I was like, i got my leather, lets go..lmao…That quickly reminded me…In the wind, I feel free, not caged up, to be riding on the back of a bike, (perferrable Harley or Victory) that free spirited wyld child that loves to live dangerously with no worries ,…that outlaw that goes against conforming to societies ways….for a split second, I felt me again, I felt alive again. I felt FREE again…

Seems like, that wyld child is needing to come out and play. As I’m writing this, seeing it in black and white. it shows me what I need to see for myself… This morning, I took the steps to actively pursue something that I have been wanting to do again. Upon my decision I went to the website to begin taking the steps that I needed to take to pursue this decision. That’s when I found out that the site was going down. It became obvious the reasons why…Very quickly I realized and FELT the effects of FOSTA/SESTA’s outside the sex worker community. What impact that is being felt everywhere…but for me..the realization of it being outside of this life was very huge for me.

Tonight I was able to offer the knowledge of what I have learned here, through out all the struggles that we have all encountered since FOSTA/SESTA had passed. Once again,I was quickly reminded of that urgency and desperation, coming from fear of the unknown, that was felt not so very long ago. And once again, i was reminded of how good it felt inside me again, to be able to offer knowledge and offer helping someone out. To be able to give some kind of comfort during such a dark time for those going through it with the closing of this particular website.

Just as I have seen all of us come together as one, build a community back up with hardly nothing to come on, and feeling a dakness come down on us. As I hurriedly made my post, without hesitation, offering what I knew. Someone quickly reaching out. As we were in conversation, quickly sharing a few resources, no judgement was passed, the reason why we come together. Strangely enough, all things spoken out loud here, were left upspoken. No need. in doing so. When this person needed to go, there was no ghosting, no battle of wills, no derrogatory comments, there was no need for either to prove anything…all of sudden there was EQUAILTY……EQUALITY….yeaaa…i had to say that twice, to see it twice. In a world that I’ve been living in, a constant battle of everything, where there is so much distrust felt, all of sudden, I felt a sense of trust again. I wasn’t having to be constantly on guard for one reason or the other. it was like none of that ever existed.

I want to say thank you to that person. just because…

I needed to be reminded. To be shown, “can’t see till you can see” and “hind site ALWAYS being 20/20”

(I don’t really want to type these words, and Knowing that for me, I need to, I have to)…The deep passion I once felt, giving my all, my everything, the trusting soul that I was once was, the very thing that brought me to this …the very reason that i made my fist tumblr for ….the very thing that i never wanted to lose….myself… (Acceptance is a bitch for me)

LIFE, DEATH, REBIRTH

the cycle of life

I see A REBIRTH starting to take place

(HA Funny how It’s been shown to me the week of my birthday..

with me writing this ON the day of my BIRTH)

I will continue to steps to actively pursue what I found joy in doing. To go through the Rebirth. This affirmation is for me and me alone.

1-18-19

4:53

Continued in Part 2 “Can’t See Till You Can See” Still Pursuing

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