2:20 AM july 19,2019
WOW! Just WOW!!! Just re-reading the first paragraph that was written 7 mths ago. That I need to RE-look at now. Change is hard, Change hurts. but staying the same, holding on to something that just never could be no matter how much or how hard you wished to be. It then becomes very toxic. In a world that’s sooo full of hate, in a world that thrives on the negative energy. We really need to take a look within ourselves, stop blaming others, stop judging others. Just maybe if we all took the risk of HONESTLY looking within ourselves, facing our REAL fears and admitting OUR OWN shortcomings , just maybe…we might have a better place. Can’t fix the outside if we don’t fix what’s within!!!!
“CAN’T SEE TILL YOU SEE”
For a sentence of five words, that one sentence. It carries one powerful punch! For me, 10 yrs ago, when these words were spoken to me, I didn’t get it AT ALL! It was like….worse than my blonde moments..and that’s bad lol..But let me tell ya, when these words FINALLY hit you and you REALLY understand what they mean. It’s indescribeable. What sucks is that when you finally are able to understand them its seems to always be:
HIND SIGHT IS ALWAYS 20/20
If you don’t catch on to what “can’t see till you can see” means, it’s not time for you to grasp just yet. Everyone’s is different, for different reasons. What’s the same, is the pattern. Because once you finally come to see, then we have our hurts and our pains. It’s natural to lash out from the pain to the ones we feel that caused the pain that we are now experiencing. That’s not right…To stay “HUMBLE” That’s RIGHT! to see faults that we carry within ourselves, to learn from our mistakes, and make them into lessons. So that we don’t continue to repeat then. THAT’S WHATS RIGHT!!!! It’s easy to point fingers when our pain is so great. It’s SO HARD FOR US TO LOOK AT OURSELVES…But just to remind you, if it’s easy to come by to gain, ITS NOT WORTH IT. Working hard to improve ourselves, THAT takes alot of work!!!! And its an everyday job. But worth it as we daily improve ourselves.
2:00PM Jan 18, 2019
Seems like I wasn’t finished with this, as i woke up, I was faced with new emotions, fears, and uncertainies. With trying “identify and recongize” with each individual thing, each struggle, the strengths, what ive been taught…what I’ve passed to help teach. ..the BIG one always seems to be...ACCEPTANCE…for me anyways, to stop and to really think about the deepness of that one word, “To Accept What Is”.…WOW Yep this is a DEEP one…
“To know oneself,“…then to all of sudden find yourself that is in in a sea of things, not recongizeable by you…the constant roller coaster, the emotional ups and downs, twists and turns…hell even going crooked and sideways, lets not forget backwards lol…having to identify with the smallest of things about yourself, ….With the drop of my energy levels, (sub drop is how i can relate to it) comes all these emotions melonchaly in nature…unsureity, dispair, hopelessness…upon recongizing , I start to see through the mass of all this tangled web..of “mess” ..I can now recongize the “where, hows and why’s…..I now bring to me...acceptance.…
Today, is day 2 that I woke up and did not go to the site. This is very significant for me…It is Day 2 that I am reclaiming myself, finding myself, putting myself first. This world of catering to others, of creating the “illusions” of something to bring happiness to others, filling of the voids that just never seems to be never ending.
To “sell the fantasy” by creating the “illusions”, to fill a void that all of us find within ourselves, that we have for whatever reason. The illusion of BRINGING someone and GIVING an “artificial happiness” on a silver platter, realities and fantasies start become a blur. Not being able to differenate between the two. When everyone is saying that are looking for happiness but yet, still complains, still isn’t happy, therefore, demands for more and then more…and then…even still, for more…Why? Why hasn’t the thirst in the Pursuit of Happiness been quenched??? Because that void is felt deeper within…so the flood of urgent demands and more expectations to bring happiness, ….when in reality…happiness will never be found…never will be found if you are not looking within…
So, As i caught myself saying…”im just fighting a hopeless losing battle trying to find what will bring happiness to others” …I stopped in my tracks, realizing how quite literal that really was…So, i had to stop for a min, take time, reflect on exactly what i had just said…and
Going deeper than just this sex worker’s story, of creating happiness to those that can’t seem to find it, and quite honestly, there’s a portion of these people wouldn’t know what happiness really was if it sat there for a while, then slapping you in the face, cuz you still didn’t see it staring at you for so long…here’s why though….
With the biggest of pictures that the imagination can visualize, Society..Not only has the government, but us, we the people, has solely built society standards based as a whole, as ONE, …based primarily on an invidiual concept….DAMN! THATS DEEP! In my mind, I’m trying to grasp the very depth of this, So, I take a cup,(my new birthday coffee cup) and i visualize putting every human that’s on this earth, into this cup…i’m finding no matter how much my mind tries to make a formed fit, no matter how much my mind can twist, manipulate, make believe lie to itself, well….it just simply can’t be accomplished. matter of fact,NOT EVEN ONE HUMAN CAN BE FIT INTO THIS CUP! Naturally, my mind, wants to know why?…Answer …oh no no no, not yet…
Society…WE THE PEOPLE…creating the GRAND ILLISION, because we can not accept our own faults, we can not accept fallen short of perfection, can not accept that we are human, We can not look and i mean REALLY LOOK ourselves in the mirror, without feeling shamed, we can not seem to be able to find acceptance of oneself, so that we can love ourselves…so therefore, with not being able to admit that we have fault, our own mistakes, we point blame to others, find fault in others, laugh at others weaknesses, USING LIES AND DECEPTION AS A TOOL…but I ask you, honestly who is it that you REALLY think and believe that you have lied to????
continued in next blog…Part 3 “THE BIGGEST LIE WE HAVE TOLD IS TO OUR SELVES”
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Nobody cares how much you know,
until they know how much you care. - Teddy Roosevelt
well, to answer this, everyone knows that i care waaaay wayyy too much. way more than I should. It's either people taking advantage of it or not giving a shit. but either way, im always finding myself and my heart to be really hurt in the end. at times i wish i could have a turn off switch to my empath gifts. The empath in me is the only thing that i can think that would be the reason why i stay with the compassion and the caring side of me. Normally a person would just be "cold" by now...Empaths care hard, fall hard, love hard and hurt hard. .....sometimes it can suck lol???loves ya hun!