7-11-19 Since the death of my father, on June 26th, I’m finding myself right back in this blackhole and in the forever downward spiral into a dark pit that I seem to always be in since being in the public eye. It’s so so exhausting to an empath to try to get a non empath to understand what all these things feel like. It’s so frustrasting to forever explain yourself to those that will NEVER be able to understand because you can’t FEEL what I/we feel…which is ALLLLL OF YOUR STUFF. This “stuff” is all of your good, bad, ugly, anger, positive, negative, happy, sad, depressed, just ALLLLL of your “stuff”….it gets to a point, I have no clue what “MY” stuff is anymore…I’m not me i don’t know who me is when your always being other people….with never being allowed the time to begin to start finding out who “me” is. It’s actually a pretty damn scary thing. to realize you are what everyone wants or expects you to be and not who are really are. it’s very tiresome. it’s grueling. it makes you feel beat down to come out the corner that “me” sits in all the time, to try fight to find herself. You get so tired, that you just go back into your corner and just submit …..just …..submit…putting up resistance to have yourself it just is to tiresome to fight against all the world when your just one person.
This is two separate blogs that I’ve written put into one, being that this just seems to be a never ending vicious cycle that just won’t stop. Being an empath and to be in the public eye, for me…has been the most determintal thing i believe that ive ever done. Had I known what I know now, …well, I would tell other empaths that being in the public would not be healthy at all for them. Personally, the amount of damage its done to me, and not exagerrating at all. It’s worse than ALL OF WHAT I’VE GONE THROUGH. everything. This has done more damage to me than all of it, then times TEN!!! i cant begin to try to describe to try to help those that arent empath to understand so that you can help the empath. But one more time im gonna try, as exhausting as it is. so…i’m gonna leave what was oriniginally written with these two blogs. These are raw emotions and real with each brutal realization that came when I read these two blogs. To know your own family turned their backs over the simple fact of not being educated in what am empath is…is …no words for it…jsut none..to know that your called bat shit crazy…because your empath and not understood…no words for it…just none…so here we go…i hope this time. may this hopefully help you to see what am empath goes through to have BOTH SUCH A WONDERFUL BLESSING THATS ALSO SUCH A HORRIFYING CURSE….
Yes I know I’m changing subjects here, this is part of how my mind goes, from one fleeting thought and feeling to the next, in less than a half a second flat. But i find myself struggling so bad right now. I’m always in a turmoil within. it’s so hard to try to help others to understand me and the FOREVER struggle I have to slow myself down to take things in steps in order for others to be able to understand. it seems like it takes a lifetime and a half to try to explain things that go on inside me within seconds. but i think there was a reason why i stumbled on that poem i wrote, because right now, i find myself in a downward spiral. a dark deep loneliness within me…you can tell by just the mistakes i type, or by the skipping of words that my fingers never can keep up with my mind…to try to explain things, to you, to help you to understand me…i will start to be able better understand this part of me and what more i need to do to help myself. i tried to tell a client yesterday that I have to always bring myself down to a “normal” level just to have an intellectual conversation with someone, which is already frustrating enough for me, but when i have to bring myself down to “the stupidity level” REALLY JUST KICKS ME IN THE ASS!!! he looked at me and just said really? lol…i think this might better explain things…cuz to try to get anyone to see through my eyes or to try to forever find the words to explain things that just can’t be explained in words seems to be bringing myself farther down in this deep lonely pit that I’m feeling, im to a point where I’m scared of falling to far and won’t be able to pull myself out, so I have to do this…to help both of us…to understand and to grasp..
so as I start researching this part of myself and share this real struggle im dealing with at 2:18 am, lets take this journey together…here’s where ill start…
What Is An Empath?
The trademark of an empath is that they feel and absorb other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. They filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. Empaths are highly sensitive people. We are able to pick up on things that others can not. Empaths are “wired” differently. To better explain just what I mean when I say we are more “sensitive” and have the ability to pick up on things.
What Makes Empaths Different?
First, I want to show the differences between “feeling empathy towards a condition” and “being an empath”. I think I can do alot better and get more results by breaking it all down, you will get a MUCH BETTER UNDERSTANDING, than just showing the traits of an Empath. (please note: that I’m literaly just quickly started throwing this up, as i was just like these traits and just MAYBE i would be able to get ‘my client base” to see somethings about me, that I can not help and that i really can’t change these things in me, i can try my best to better cope, but i DESPARTELY NEED CLIENTS UNDERSTAND AND HAVE AN AWARENESS TO THIS AS THIS IS THE VERY CORE OF ME.. i just keep praying that ya’ll as a whole that just maybe you can “just try to see and understand”, maybe…*shrugs my shoulders* I so continuely try my best lol)
Looking up the definition of the word “empathy”, is when we reach out with our hearts to someone and we try to put ourselves in their shoes. It’s having emotion and compassion about something or someone. For most of us, it’s wanting to reach out and to help someone out of a situation or at least do what we can do for someone.
(When ya’ll tell me “im sorry” THATS FEELING EMPATHY TOWARDS ME, COMPASSION….ok…the difference is, i don’t understand when you tell me that because im ALWAYS LITERALLY FEELING IT….if that kinda may help try to see the differences.)
Scientifically speaking,There are two types of “empathy” This kind is called “cognitive empath,” and is sometimes called “Perspective Taking.” This is referring to our ability to identify and understand other people’s emotions. Another way to help you understand is those autism spectrum disorders have a hard time empathizing. They have a hard time and depending on the depth of the autism, lack the ability of feeling “empathic” towards something or someone
Being An Empath
Empaths have such a high sensitivity to “having emotion” that WE ACTUALLY FEEL AND GO THROUGH EXACTLY WHAT THE PERSON IS FEELING AND GOING THROUGH.
So we don’t “just have it,” instead we actually “feel it”….and we don’t have to “reach out to help”…we actually can “pick up on it and sense and feel AND “LITERALLY GO THROUGH EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH” (I’ll show you as I am going through the traits and tell you my experiences as I go)
To scientifically explain it, this is called “affective empathy.” This refers to the sensations and feelings that we get in response to other’s emotions; this includes “mirroring” what that person is feeling. or by just feeling stressed when we pick up on anxiety or fear. (which is the reason why i try to let any first timers that visit me, to try their best not to be nervous, that there’s nothing to be nervous about. And the reason why I have everything taken care of so there’s no added extra anxiety, stress or worry on ya’lls part so in turn I won’t be picking up on your feelings. We can’t be having both of us feeling that way, especially when I’m supposed to be relaxing you lmao)
Behavioural Health: Medically Explained
“Having empathy means your heart goes out to another person who’s experiencing joy or pain,” By contrast, “empaths actually feel other people’s emotions and physical symptoms in their bodies, without the usual defenses most people have.” “Empaths feel things first, then they think [about them], which is the opposite of how most people function,” “Empaths sense other people’s emotions in our bodies without the usual filters; we can hear what they don’t say.”
An estimated one in five people is considered highly sensitive, and many of these folks are empaths, too. Yet, being an empath is not a diagnosis found in the DSM-5, the consummate guide to psychiatric disorders, so “it’s often misdiagnosed as social anxiety,” “There are empaths with social anxiety but social anxiety is more a result than a cause of symptoms. In empaths, the brain’s mirror neuron system — a specialized group of cells that are responsible for compassion — are hyperactive.” As a result of this neuronal hyperactivity, empaths absorb other people’s feelings, energy and emotions into their own bodies. “It’s a different wiring of the neurological system,”
Being an empath certainly has its benefits, including greater intuition, compassion, creativity and a deeper connection with other people. But living in this state of high sensitivity also comes with its challenges, such as becoming easily overwhelmed, over-stimulated, or exhausted, or absorbing stress and negativity from others. Given these risks, it’s not surprising that empaths are particularly vulnerable to developing depression, anxiety, emotional burnout and addictions. Some empaths try to numb their sensitivities with alcohol, drugs, food, sex or shopping. “It’s very common — being an empath is often a missing piece to addictions.” (Source: https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/culture-media/the-hazards-of-being-an-empath/)
(I start crying as i read this….so this is the reason why so many don’t understand me, why my family turned me away as i have them. so many reasons why I’m blamed for this or that or all of this and that..this is the reason why I’m hated and judged..and THIS IS THE REASON WHY IVE GROWN SO WEARY AND TIRED CUZ IM JUST FLAT BURNED OUT! WOOOOWWWW!!!!! ….if my family was only open to try to see whyyyyyy but instead of trying to finally understand, they choose to turn their back on me,, it too late…there’s never been any reasoning with them, what does it matter now?????)
Traits Of An Empath
Empaths Are HIGHLY Sensitive
Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually open, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers. But they can easily have their feelings hurt. Empaths are often told that they are “too sensitive” and need to toughen up.
Empaths Absorb Other Peoples Emotions
Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety which is exhausting. If they are around peace and love, their bodies take these on and flourish.
Empath’s are different from normal people who “feel” empathy to a condition. What makes the difference is that it’s stronger…What an empath feels is STRONGER, therefore this tends to be more exhausting on the empath. The empath is ACTUALLY going through it. Even though, it’s not a true feeling, it feels like it is. In other words, for an empath, EVERYTHING is AMPLIFIED due to the sensitivity of feeling EVERYTHING AROUND THEM,
That’s where it will tend to sometimes gets blurry as to knowing what’s the empaths TRUE FEELINGS and what’s not. With not being able to tell between the empath’s feelings and what the empath is picking up from others.
(I find myself trying to explain this all the time, but I never can get this across right or say it right or whatever, which then leaves me sooooo frustrated, cuz i can’t seem to figure out the right way that someone will get it…..This IS WHERE YOU SEE ME STRUGGLE ALL THE TIME!!! PEOPLE thinik im mad,….im NOT, im quite literally FRUSTRATED FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO BETTER EXPLAIN THINGS SO THAT A PERSON CAN UNDERSTAND, OR START TO UNDERSTAND. Or I’ll be aggiatiated for the simple reason only that I will get “over circuited and I just simply can’t handle anymore…and when I feel myself about to explode…. like when I tell someone that I need to get off the phone, it has absoultely NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PERSON OR PERSONS THAT IM TALKING TO. It literally has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IVE BEEN HAVING 3 TO 5 AND UP TO 7 conversations at ONCE and I have taken IN 3 TO 5 AND UP TO 7 DIFFERENT PEOPLES FEELINGS ALLLL AT ONCE, I CANT HANDLE IT!!! ….if I quickly say something about letting me walk away, please please don’t keep me on the phone, i’m more than likely gonna blow up WITHOUT meaning to all, i just know that all these emotions are about to erupt in me all at once and i wont be able to stop it…and then i feel soooooo bad…)
Many Empaths Are Introverted
Empaths become overwhelmed in crowds, streets and parks which can amplify their empathy. They become places that an empath doesn’t want to go to. They are too exhausting and they definitely make the day unpleasant. This happens when you meet so many people, sometimes they will even slowly walk up to you asking for suggestions or your opionions while you do not know who they are. They tend to be introverted and prefer one to one contact or small groups. Even if an empath is more extroverted they prefer limiting how much time they can be in a crowd or at a party.
Empaths Can See Thru Lies
You don’t know how, but you know it immediately. Can’t they see that you are an empath?? Who are they REALLY trying to fool?? You put up with it and don’t let on, because you can’t always prove it. But you know who to trust, and who not to. It’s easy actually. The lies are so juvenile.
( I’ve always known when someone was lieing to me, I never understood it, but i just knew it!!! For me, it’s not just the lies that are “juvenile,” even with major lies, I KNOW that you are lieing to me! I’ve gotten to where, I call people out on their lies. Alot of times, the only way that I know how to explain it, is like I can “feel” the energy like for example, when you were typing it, or I can tell the tone you have when I read what you typed. “Not being able to prove it,” take screenings for example, when I get a screening, most times I can pick up that your lieing on it, whether you have left something out…like the middle initial…or whatever, i’ll go through the whole process, JUST SO i can have the proof…or like one time in particular, I was given a fake identification…we were talking back and forth for the longest time by texting, I was putting the pieces together on his lies…and grabbing more intel, so i can put the correct information in the blacklistings. HINT HINT: JUST DONT LIE T O ME, ITS QUIT SIMPLE ACTUALY LOL Also, the times that I’ve been wrong or when I didn’t pick up on the lies, I’ve noticed have only been when I’m drowned out by getting to much of other peoples “stuff” )
Empaths have Highly Sensitive Intuition
Empaths experience the world through their intuition. It is important for them to develop their intuition and listen to their gut feelings about people. This will help empaths find positive relationships and avoid energy vampires.
Many people use logics as the base of their decision making and basicly for life. However, empaths tend to use their intution on a daily basis. Not all people have intution or believe in it. You know other’s people’s feeling by just using our intution. And it gets stronger than more you play with it. (So in other what seems logical to a person that uses logic…is NOT logical to an empath. Our logic, is NOT logical when your always going by your gut)
(I NEVER knew how to explain this!!! I just knew that I knew!!! LOL I don’t think that I could EVER think of a time that “my gut” was wrong. More importantly, I will share with you, that I tend to get sick when “bad people” cross my path> i have been known to throw up for no reason when someone that doesnt have a good aura walks past me….EVEN HAVE Projectile vomited when a couple of people in my life that were REALLY BAD people walked in front of me while i was sitting on my front steps outside to my apt before!!!! )
Empaths Need Time Alone
As super-responders, being around people can drain an empath so they periodically need alone time to recharge their batteries. Even a brief escape prevents emotionally overload. Empaths like to take their own cars when they go places so they can leave when they please.
(For those that have heard me screaming about the phone and how it overwhelms me, then i normally get the reaction, “fine i wont ever bother you again” i dont want to be left alone to be lonely,,,,just a little time, not to be deserted though)
(7-11-19 When do I get to have “MY” time??? i don’t get to decompress, i’m not allowed that luxury, theres never any “me” time anymore, i cant even be allowed to mourn the death of my father…that is soo sad, it hurts soo bad. when i tell the public, “i dont feel good, im taking the day off”…out of the public having empathy and compassion….you wanna check on me..but to understand that if 50 people contacted one person to ask how they are doing…that person just does not get any rest, not when your busy answering 50 different times that all you wanna do is get some sleep….by the time your done, the day is over, your left juust worse off than you were…its now gotten to the point where IM EXPECTED to answer when someome hits me up..ARE YOU OK?….ya know im so scared that if i dont answer everyones “are you ok” that someone is gonna be knocking at my door that DOESNT HAVE THE PERMISSION TO DO SO. Ive given TWO ppl permission to do that in case something happens to me, and i dont answer, ive already covered that ground…but the public can be damn pushing and not realize it. i can crawl into the deepest and darkest of holes to try to get some “alone me” time…someone is going to make sure they find me doesnt fail it happens every time.by the time im able to fight through the crowd and get any time to eat to take a shower to do anything, im literally to damn exhausted to move…then i just don’t eat, cant do anything and lay there just staring in space while my body just vibrates and shakes from everyone elses stuff)
Empaths Can Become Overwhelmed In Intimate Relationships
Too much togetherness can be difficult for an empath so they may avoid intimate relationships. Deep down they are afraid of being engulfed and losing their identity. For empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for being a couple must be re-defined.
Empaths Are Targets For Energy Vampires
An empath’s sensitivity makes them particularly easy marks for energy vampires, whose fear or rage can sap their energy and peace of mind. Vampires do more than drain an empath’s physical energy. The especially dangerous ones such as narcissists (they lack empathy and are only concerned with themselves) can make them believe they’re unworthy and unlovable. Other vampires include The Victim, The Chronic Talker, The Drama Queen and more.
(you can see in my other blogs how the ones that keep me on the phone all the time, of which i had to get under control, the drama queen, ive just experienced by the provider that bullied me in the ladies area on a board, by the provider that pulled her stunt on Twitter the other day with me, even have experienced one client, that while he was DATY,,,,it was like i could LITERALLY feel him lapping and taking my energy at a rate of which i can’t explain, flicking his tongue so quick and fast and furiously…which just due to nerve damage, i cant handle, much less after he left, i was purely exhausted, and NOT IN A GOOD WAY AT ALL, it was a horrible expereience for me)
People Can Be Exhausting To An Empath
People that are around you (an empath) will drain your energy and you will feel exhausted easily. It is NOT because you are afraid of people or it’s because you can not communicate wtih them. It is because you are constantly being “BOMBARDED” with their emotions which is sometimes unpleasant.
(OMG The TWO words that you hear me scream out ALLLL the time is im getting bombarded or pounded on!!! and just the other night on twitter a couple of weeks ago, I made the statement that “men were exhausting”!!! and quiet honestly, no one can understand about me and “That DAMNED PHONE” as i now call it lmao…I have yet been able to get it across that JUST BY HEARING THE AMOUNT OF NOTIFICATIONS THAT GO FUCKING “DING” LOL on my phone, THAT JUST THAT ALONE DRAINS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!!! IT PURELY JUST EXHAUST ME! Like right now, when the phone started going off, and I just had to turn it off, ive gotten exhausted from it!)
(Not to mention that the “line of work” that I’m in, I come across more people that are vibrating on a lower vibrational level..(I mentioned about lower vibrations in the blog Juse Don’t Do It, hold on that reason IS ABOUT TO COME UP LOL)…. than what the average person that works an “average” job and that in itself wears me out….Tumblr was LITERALLY SOOOO TOXIC FOR ME AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT AT FIRST!)
(Also, trying to “forever find a way to explain what I’m meaning or repeating myself tends to get exhausting, I never seem to be able to get anyone that is NOT an empath to understand….IT IS ONLY BECAUSE I’M AN EMPATH,,,THAT’S IT! NOTHING ELSE…)
Empaths Become Replinshed In Nature
The busyness of ever day life can be too much for an empath. The natural world nourishes and restores them. It helps them to release their burdens and they take refuge in the presence of green wild things, the ocean or other bodies of water.
(im struggling bad with this, im left in this room all by myself, no one offers to actually be a friend with me, ive been in this room caged up for so long…but i have no choice but to be careful..but seems like most of the time, when someone offers to take me out, there’s a price to be paid, an ulterior motive. then also because I’m a sex worker people think id charge to be taken out…when that’s not the case…then everyone has heard me for so long bitching and screaming at all the negative ones that love just “bleeding me dry’ that I’ve scared everyone off,,,,seems like…also seems like the energy vampires come at me so often with such force…literally putting me under attack to weaken me..so they can feed off of me more, like till I’m dead…FOR REAL…im faced with sooo many “takers” that no one sees that if I’m left to be able “to give” that normally you will get way more than “paid for”. but instead people tend to “expect “or “take”. that i never get the chance to be able to give….it’s been so long that I’ve just been taken out into nature, that I feel so dead inside, so caged, that I’m literally screaming for help, but instead of anyone helping,,,backs are turned away from me…)
Empaths Have HIGHLY Tuned Senses
An empath’s nerves can get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talking. An Empath doesn’t like to see any living thing in pain or suffering because you suffer right along side of them. Some Empaths might even feel physical symptoms coinciding what others are going through. If there’s violence on tv, you might just change the channel.If there is an unpleasant scene or aurgument or someone being bullied, you might just leave the room if you can’t help them. You don’t want to see it or feel it
(this is why i live in quiet all the time, i have to…this is why i always have the tv on but low…so that I’m not left in total silence and alone but not too loud to where i start to cringe cuz it because waaay too much “noise” for me.)
(Feeling other peoples pain and suffering, I can tell you plenty of those stories. For me, the one story that’s so important to me…a close biker friend of mine was dieing of bone marrow cancer. He lived in Iowa, and I was riding with my ex in the truck, could never get a load out that way, So I gave him permission to take energy from me when he needed to. Especially when he went into his chemo appts. I knew when he was sick from it, cuz I had gotten so sick that we had to stop at a truck stop to get crackers for me. And it was his right hip and leg that was hurting really badly. cuz i felt it. Here recently I have a close girlfriend of mine in New York, she is dieing from a brain disease that gives her MASSIVE headaches. i told her the same thing, I can tell you, I knew I only felt very little of what she’s been feeling, and I couldn’t describe to you what I felt! Alot of times her headaches just hit me, while im dealing with people and their stupid bullshit…and ya don’t realize it. I don’t say anything and I can’t the very little bit that she gives me)
Empaths Have Huge Hearts And Sometimes Give Too Much
Empaths are big-hearted people and try to relieve the pain of others. A homeless person holding a cardboard sign, “I’m hungry” at a busy intersection; a hurt child; a distraught friend. It’s natural to want to reach out to them, ease their pain. But empaths don’t stop there. Instead, they take it on. Suddenly they’re the one feeling drained or upset when they felt fine before.
(i dont sometimes give too much, i give too much ALL THE TIME i dont know how NOT to give, i dont know how to say “no” then when i do go to say no, people get offended and people get pissed off at me when i try to set boundaries up for myself. like i have no choice with having this kind of job, being In sex work…everytime i go to doing anything I like doing cuz I for myself like to or want to do to give to others, it’s always taken advantage of..for example, three times now, ive put up my vids and pics…cuz i like to…but every time i do…its always taken advantage, everyone came to my website just to get 13 to 25 seconds of my vids to jerk off, but then im left not seeing anyone, it was fucked up to see the surge of traffic in the mornings to my website…i knew why…in the morning, im not dumb….why is it that I’ve given my all and i mean my fucking EVERYTHING doing this, and now…when I’m so tired of being taken advantage of and used and abused have I been abandoned??? why is it that when i put my foot down from all the vampires I’m seen as bad or being negative all the time??? if i wasn’t faced with this so much you wouldn’t hear it so much…why is it that when i have nothing more to give, for example where the ‘ground rule’s page came, no one has anymore use of me? when I’m really a good person and all i want to do is have fun also, am i not good enough to have fun with, to be taken out into public, or are all people just embarrassed to be seen in public with me cuz of what i do? am i that repulsive to people? i mean i know about the deals with married men, ive been dating married men since i was 14, that’s not what I’m talking about….and why is it that when i mention something that most everyone will go to the extreme with it…like what i mentioned above in number 5…like there’s never any happy medium with anything i try…cuz now i try to implement deposits…again it feels like I’m “being protested against”)
Empaths Attract “Broken” People
As Empaths, our MAIN ABILITY is actually to understand people. Meanwhile, not all people can understand others. That’s why empaths our places for people who need emotional support.
(My mother always told me that everyone around me was broken…i never knew why….or even how…but here lately ive had strange things happen with ppl…like out of the blue, not know who anyone is, like for example, some person i didnt know messaged me on facebook, just started talking something about loosing his families money and was kill himself ….and i mean im stuck i kinda like dont know what to do…i feel like that im a bouy in the middle in the ocean sometimes, and it happens when im dealing with my “stuff” and that makes it all worse i just never knew)
Empaths Are Emotional Healers
Through compassion and the time spent understanding the woes of others, you are healing them. Yes, this is ONE of your gifts. This is why you attract all those people who want healing. You can really help your loved ones through this gift, the gift of truly understanding and listening and caring. Not everyone does this for people. Use this gift when it’s warranted. You will learn to who to heal and who to leave. Some people will take your healing and then kick you in your teeth. Discern who your real friends are before offering this amazing gift. You have something real to offer to the world because it IS worth alot. Don’t downplay yourself if your an empath. People would kill to be your friend and get healing each time they talk with you. But then you know this already. So be careful who your real friends and who just wants to take your gift.
(I knew that over time I’ve gained many gifts, as I don’t just “emotionally” heal through conversation, I know that I can use my hands to take pain away from someone. By “laying hands” onto someone with the intent of taking something that’s bothering a person, I don’t have to know what it is, I can normally take at least a portion of whatever it may be, so that person can have “some” kind of relief from whatever it is for a little while. Here’s what’s important though, anytime i “take” something from someone. I ALWAYS make sure that I “put something back.” You have to fill the space with something or it’s left a “void”…so “peace, harmony, love” and things as such is generally what I’ll replace what I have quite literally “ingested” from that person. Always put in something of good nature thats positive.)
(Other gifts that I’ve gained are being clairyonant, being a visionary or a seer, as well as a “messenger”)
Living Location Is Important To An Empath
Some Empaths may feel the pain of the world is like a curse. Others are just aware of the energy of the city or the neighborhood they live in. Many Empaths end up living in smaller areas where the population energy is less in their face. Living in a very “lively” area like it’s mostly college age people or in an area with high crime or in a highly populated, dense area, this can be draining to an empath.
Empaths Have To Protect Themselves
again quickly explained, empaths have to guard themselves, constantly shielding themselves so that they dont get overran by other peoples stuff, this why i dont talk on the phone, i have to be careful who im around, who i allow near me..czu its get to the point tht ive taken on so many people daily..that at the end of the day, im left with my body doing nothing but vibrating from everyones energies and shaking, theres been a couple of times, where it was so bad, that even 6 hrs later, i was still vibrating from everyones stuff ….it has to come out of me…i cant be expected to be able to hold everyones stuff…its NOT MINE….so my body will reject it, its like a volanco starts to erupt in me, i can feel it boiling starting to boil in stomach and i shake and vibrate, and as much as i try to control it, it just erupts and explodes out of me…i cant help it its not mine ….thats when ppeople think im mad when i explode, i dont mean to…but its not mine i cant hold it, it has to come out a person isnt supposed to be a dumping ground full of everyones negaive stuff and not be expected forthat negative stuff to explode out into positvie nice pretty rainbows…smh im publishing this now i cant go any farther
It’s difficult For Empaths To Manage Time
im to tired but im gonna quickly just say how can i manage time when all my time is spent being, feeling, healing, helping talking to others, theres only 24 hrs in a day…there is NO time for me..its stolen
***Empaths Often Ignore Their Own Problems***
You are an expert in ignoring your own issues, which you need to talk about. Your always so busy healing others, you never get to talk out what you need to. You carry the weight of all others, along with your own. When is YOUR healing time??? You KNOW you are strong and great with helping others heal with their problems. But are you suppressing all your stuff in favour of everyone else??? You may dismay this or not even realize it. But surely at some point, you may find yourself breaking down. All those pent up emotions and problems have to come up for healing at some point. Learn to take care of your own issues as they emerge. Don’t stuff them down inside just so you can take care of others endlessly. Take a day, even a week off to sort yourself out as you go. This way, you won’t melt down, explode, or melt down some time in the future.
(OMG, I just literally broke down on this one. This one…this one has been the most damaging to me, I can NOT even begin to explain or express just how deep the damage is for me. So damaging that now many things have become ‘”triggers” for me. Like the phone is now a trigger for me, I can’t handle hearing it go off, its like hmm..worse than hearing nails going down a chalkboard. TIMES AT LEAST 20! Seems like since I’ve become a public figure being an escort, the damage is so unthinkable for me. I have always literally forgotten to eat for a day or two, just cuz I can’t seem to break away just to eat. Now, that’s I don’t have time for damn sure. Don’t have time to take a shower or just actually do the little things to take care of myself….when do I have time to? I’m always multi tasking, always holding 3 to 7 conversations going on AT ONCE! (NO LIE EITHER, 7 has been the most I can deal with. Of course only a few mins then I go to exploding. There’s so much that ignore, and you can tell that I ignore everything…just like for Mother’s Day, I just don’t wanna talk about it. But also, think about it, being told allllll day long by so many people “Happy Mother’s Day” just for me, is nothing but a constant pain that, what? I can’t do anything about. it’s a constant reminder, that the public just wont understand the amount of pain that it causes me…and then…on top of all that, I can’t talk it…or don’t have time to…its always someone else that come to me, like a client just CALLS my phone, just starts rambling, after he asked me how i’ve been….IT DIDNT REGISTER IN HIS HEAD THAT I HAD SAID “MY FATHER JUST DIED”, he just started rambling, and then it clicked,,,,that he came over “to catch up” stayed here even fell asleep here, wouldnt leave , fuck me …alllllll for free..theres another one, stayed here THREE HOURS, the night before easter, got his blowjob….FREEE…and left me exhausted for easter sunday so bad that i slept alll day on easter…SOOO WAIT A MIN, WHEN THE FUCK DO I HAVE ANY DAMN ME TIME WHY CANT I BE GREEDY ABOUT MYSELF WHEN YALL ARE ALL SO DAMN GREEDY ABOUT STEALING MY TIME,???!!!!. ..If I was to be asked what “I” like or what “I” want to do, or basically just anything to do with me….i honestly wouldn’t know how to answer. I don’t know anymore.)
(ya know, this sparked the melt down i had today, 7-11-19…the ptsd i have from this smh…and no one hears me…i dont even have the energy to finish this, cause this one thing, has been the most damaging im so tired. that im losing grip…i cant keep up…being the world…i dont know who i am anymore, im buried at the bottom of the world being on top being first. when is it my time, when will someone think about me??? when i say i just give up, everyone freaks out, you dont me to give up and but then you want me from a far, or to continue to steal “me” from me! how can i be expected to be everyone in the world i cant even be me. your greedy about stealing me…only to leave me alone and so lonely, what is it, im not good enough, im beautiful to you, but yet, the way im treated, is not beautiful to me…not when im left holding your garbage all the time. being your dumping grounds, coming in my life like a whirl wind, and then me and my place is left a wreck and looks like it cuz im one personl….expected to stay strong all the time..to be a robot, superwoman…smh everyone screams out “SELF CARE, TAKE A BREAK, TAKE A DAY, HELL TAKE A WEEK OFF, SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED IT,….ummm as i meekly ask you…when am i allowed to get my break, when can i be allowed to mourn the death of my father???? im so tired right now, i can barely type, by .he time i get to me theres no energy left its all been stolen from me…not to mention trying to get to the doctor, its aweful to pencil yourself in your appt book, literally just to eat take a shower…even to masterbate, only to be interrupted EVERYTIME. its gotten so out of control that i really feel like someone has a beam on me, when i go to masterbate, all of sudden i get 28 emails like the other morning, “lets fuck up her orgasm” ….think about it…im not exerragating any at all either thats the sad part ….HELL I EVEN TRIED TO PENCIL IN MOURNING MY DAD…THAT WAS A JOKE RIGHT SMH im expected to heal and help everyone out, when i cant even help myself, when you latch on to me for safety, your drowning both of us, i drown with you, i cant save the world but the world expects me to never ending as soon as im done helping one person someone else NEEDS ME BUT ONLY TO DROWN ME im not good enough to be taken out of this room thats literally just a comfy prison cell for me)
Welp, i KNEW that this year would be different, i KNEW that this full moon that came had some kind of siginfigance to me, i KNEW it had to do with “personal transformation”, I KNEW that i was supposed to put up the blog about the this full moon, but DIDNT KNOW why…yet…i KNEW that i had to keep my writitngs up, I KNEW that i was going from one to another, leaving everyone fucked up trying to keep up, thinking that im the craziest bitch you’d ever seen, I KNEW my writings were getting deeper and deeper, too deep for anyone thats average to understand…I KNEW that my mind was quickening, my thoughts going faster, becoming to fast that it was all blurred i KNEW that my visions were becoming brillantly brighter than anyones eyes could handle,,,,i KNEW that this transfermation was gonna to be one hellva doozy and punch for me inthe gut….i KNEW I HAD TO KEEP GOING AT IT TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT ….
so here it is folks…the answer to it ALLLLLL!!!!!!!
THIS IS THE PRISON THAT I HAVE FOUND MYSELF IN THAT I TALKED ABOUT IN VIDEO 5, THIS IS THE DEEP ROOTED HURT AND ABANDONMENT I HAVE FELT THROUGH OUT MY LIFE, AND ESPECIALLY NOW…WITHIN THE SEX WORK COMMUNITY, WHICH HAS AFFECTED ME MORE THAN I CAN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN…
TO THOSE THAT KEPT SAYING THAT I WAS BI POLAR, CRAZY, INSANE, AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY SAY AND OR DO TO ME….AND I KEPT SAYING THAT I WAS THE MOST SANIEST BITCH YOU WILL EVER FUCKING FIND!!!!! HERE IT IS IN BLACK AND WHITE….I KNEW ….I KNEW…I KNEW….HOW DID I KNOW……
IM AN EMPATH…..
going thru this has brought up some very deep rooted pain…that ive been pushing away to make others happy in my life, with sex work being one of the biggest impacts of that pain, that dark hole that i found myself in…but its only been by those that have negatively affected me, i still find great joy with many that i meet through doing sex work, let me make sure to expalin cuz it seems like i never can say anything right to anyone, its been the biggest impact of my deep rooted pain and has impacted more than what any one can concieve cuz im an empath….
i need to express, that out of being the biggest impact of my pain,it has also brought it up…and out…so that i can heal..it has gave me avenues like this blogging so that i can go through all of this..right now im jsut really RAW right now..you would be too…and with each step this is all to be expected
THIS IS WHY IM SUCH A PASSIONATE PERSON..TO ANSWER THAT
AWARENESS NEEDS TO BE BROUGHT TO EVERYOINE PLEASE FOR THE PARENTS THAT DONT UNDERSTAND THEIR KIDS…DONT BE LIKE MINE AND TURN YOUR BACKS AWAY JUST CUZ YOU THINK THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE AND JUDGE FROM BEING A TEEN “MICHELLE WILL NEVER CHANGE” AND THAT WAS IT…they never will see the journey I took and never will know the accomplishments i have done all on my own…cuz all they want to see is” Michelle moved around all the time” they closed their eyes to see what there was to really see…and omg does it kill my soul to think that i don’t have a family and that many have turned their backs on me leaving me abandonedm all alone and lonely….JUST cuz I’m more highly sensitive IVE BEEN JUDGED AND TREATED AS I HAVE BEEN TREATED
JUST BECAUSE I WAS DIFFERENT AND NOT UNDERSTOOD (NOW ITS BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU, HERE SO IT CAN BE UNDERSTOOD) ….JUST CUZ I WAS AN EMPATH AND CARED AND LOVED EVERYONE MORE THAN NORMAL….
i never have been able to understand for me to be such a selfless person someone that gives myself every bit of myself to everyone so much so why im so detested, looked down on and hated, with the findings of all this,,,at the moment has left me more empty and with more questions…for the moment…but once my brain can grasp it i guess ill start to as i have done before…things will come….
THANKS WORLD FOR FUCKING FLIPPING ME OFF AND TURNING YOUR BACK ON ME ALL OVER ME BEING AN EMPATH…
OMG this realization you might as well just shoot me, cuz ….i dont have the words to say anymore..
now its my turn to go identify and recognize with my stomach turned and sick with being mortified over these realizations…
Signed: michelle DBA MsRogueSA
you definitley got it all raw and real huh!!!!!
ALL THE WORK AND PESERVANCE OF THE ROAD TO “KNOWING ONESELF”
REFER TO BLOGS CANT SEE TILL YOU CAN SEE 1-3
guess i need to point out here, that i was literally going thru hell while i writing this…think of it as you finding out that someone had died, and someone was videotapping your rawest of emtions when you first find out about the dead. this is EXACTLY the same thing here, this is me dropping to my knees in realization about my life…this is me sharing exactly what my inner most deepest rawest emotions as im reading each number im putting it down, when i said im bringing you with me on this journey i meant just that
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