Having Fear And Distrust From Pain

i find myself turning to the only the that i know, writing.. i cant see through my tears to type, and I cant breath but i have to come to my place. to my writing. i thought that 4 years ago dealing with ashton, i thought that out of all my years, that was actually the it was the worst i had gone through. but i now can honestly say, this year has far exceeded what i went through with ashton.

with another blow for me, i come here to try to steady myself, steady my hands, my thoughts so that i can try one more time to gain some kind footing. this time without realizing it, was my doing. and im trying to gulp down what i have to swallow. i guess fear was my fuck up, i let it get in the way, fear thats comes from everyting that has taken place this year. everything that ive endured; that also caused doubt, doubt will then lead to distrust, questioning, all that …it came fear, from pain. and i guess i have to admit, and as much as i dont want to, i have to, thats where i went wrong. not understanding at the time, that everything that ive been enduring all year…its caught up with me. you cant expect it not to i guess.

when i guess when youve fought so hard and for so long, that’s all ive been doing this year, i mean i cant begin to describe or express what it s been like to go through over a years time of someone violating your home…but cant see who it is. damgaing your belongings, the torment and the torture that ive gone through. i know i speak on things that most can not concieve to be able to wrap your head about what im speaking of. but if you cant even conceive the thought of it, how do you think im being able to conveieve going through it.

for example, can you concieve this…being on your bed, chatting with a dieing friend who is making her arrangements, by texting, your own your bed, facing the foot of your bed, all of a sudden out of no where, something that YOU KNOW was in your safe, has now appreared about a foot away from your feet. and you cant do nothing because your now frozen and all you can is just stare at it, with your mouth dropped. cuz you KNOW that it was in your safe…yea that would make anyone jumpy for a long time coming. i can tell you

over a period of time having those kinds of things happen or to endure, abuse from your peers for long periods of time, to have to contanstaly fight for just peace of mind, all of this going on alll the time at at ONE time for a long periold of time, it can truly fuck someone up. i guess this is wehre im at. because

it was from being jumpy and scared and everything that cause fear, that led to wondering, questioning, doubiting, ..distrusting cuz you cant take anymore…that you ended up causing it your own self. i know that none of this may make sense to anyone, but i know what ive gone thru, and the scars the ptsd that i have from everything this year ONTOP of the ptsd that i have from ashton, its been alot of truama, and from that trauma, i now realize, seems to be too late, that i caused myself more hurt and pain. smh and alot of regrets. so yes i admit my wrongdoings, my faults, its the only way to actually try to heal, and i dont know how to heal from all of what i have endured. its kinda like being stuck in a catch 22 i guess, you fear the hurt and the pain, so then you start to fear everything and everybody. then you cant see what you should be seeing…and by fighting just not to not be hurt any longer, you hurt your self . yea…thats what i did. so this time around…im the one that has any blame. pointing the finger when it belongs, myself .

my nerves are finally calming some, took a couple of good shots, to do it lol but its now its made me sleepy,… i can feel the numbness of eveything starting to set in, all i want all i pray for, keep hoping for is just simply for next year not to be so hard, not to lose so much and so many all at one time.

moral of the story, fear can fuck shit up! but my question is, how is it not possible to not be scared after enduring so damn much. forgiveness …is all can hope for. all i know is that i had to come to my writing, the gibberish that it may be to everyone else, its me tryingto work through me. simply put…3:32 pm 9-1…8 more days…till the anniversay date of ashoton all of sudden being gone…leaving…funny how i found myself almost to the day, by a week with a broken spirit. smh…tryiing to figure out how how to pick herself back up after so many shattered piecesjust trying to find her way.

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