Holidays 2: Christmas

Sunday, January 10, 2021

12:49 PM

I got paid on the 1st the bus was leaving for Natchez at 1:00 in the morning, 12-hour trip. I ordered a lyft and when it got in to the left after putting everything in the lady looked at me right off the bat and said “you’ve been dealing with a lot of spiritual warfare haven’t you? ” I looked at her and then i looked down, my voice got quiet and I asked, “how did you know?” She says you can see it in your eyes you look tired and I just started crying we ain’t even got another parking lot yet I just started crying. I told her I said” 3 years ago very tired” IM VERY TIRED MA’AM, BUT I CAN’T STOP, IM NOT ALLOWED TO STOP”

So we got on the discussion of the world’s events today on the way to the bus station, she says “ya know, the devil is trying to silence us” I said yes ma’am I surely do not do this I said I’ve been in that same position of being silenced 3 years now I know what it is it’s not what anybody expects it’s way worse than I’ve ever encountered and I’ve encountered quite a lot in my life about this”

We get to the bus station and she stops and she turns and looks at me she says keep fighting I said I can’t stop so we pray she prayed over me and she prayed for me and we prayed together. What’s yours in my eyes, I didn’t want to leave San Antonio at all I wasn’t really comfortable with where I was going cuz I knew I’d be out in the country I just didn’t realize what I was about to embark upon next of course.

….. BUT HE SAID, I’D BE SAFE….

No one knew that I had left. I had stopped replying to people a couple of days before, I disappeared. Which in a way wasn’t really good I mean people that I needed to know, they knew. So I got to Natchez Mississippi December 2nd same day I left. I wasn’t sure of myself wasn’t didn’t know how I was going to be didn’t know how I was going to react then I didn’t know anything I’ve been isolated so long that I knew I was going to be up against a whole lot of things that was not going to be comfortable for me.

Glynn knew I mean he had been seeing everything on my Facebook not to mention that I sat down on the phone with him and I told him I told him I was not ready for anything I was trying to get out of sex work and I did not want to have anything to do with sex and I just needed to get my life together and that I would pay him by rent and cleaning house by money with my check that I would not be able to pay him for about the month and money of December because well all these lip trips and everything they take on my money I had to buy new phone new company the whole nine yards I paid for the whole trip myself everything.

So I made sure he was aware of it all he knew I was not in my right frame of mind it was for his having sex I did not want to be touched at all.

I touched baton rouge soil for the first time in nine years. I went out the front door to the bus station to Florida boulevard smoked a cigarette and went right back in the bus station. Too many harsh memories, especially downtown baton rouge on Florida boulevard many years ago. I transferred in baton rouge that means I took my bags off the bus that I was on and I put them on the bus that was going to Natchez Mississippi I specifically put them in a spot they were there I saw them I put them there. I had bought a 36-in duffel bag with wheels. The duffel bag was almost as big as me.

So 86 MI less than an hour and a half later I get to Natchez. I grabbed my two bags but I realized the bag that I grabbed almost exactly like mine but one difference. This bag had a handle and mine didn’t. So I tell the bus driver so she gets in touch with them or the bag still can’t find them nowhere so I started the bus station called a clean from my bag. This bag had my birth certificate social security cards all my clothes everything literally everything passwords everything all of it….. GONE…. LITERALLY ONE MORE TIME I WAS LEFT WITH THE CLOTHES ON MY FUCKING BACK!!!! THAT’S IT !!!! THE JACKET, PAIR OF PANTS, PANTIES, SHOES, BRA , SHIRT ….THAT’S IT!!!!

AS MUCH AS I TRIED TO HOLD DOWN A LITTLE BIT I’VE BEEN ABLE TO GAIN EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND SOMEBODY’S TAKING SOMETHING SOMEBODY’S STEALING SOMETHING IT JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE NEVER DISAPPEARED IT JUST DISAPPEARS WITHOUT A TRACE. I mean in less than 2 hours how did my bag that’s almost as tall as me heavier than me just up and disappearing into the thin air and you need to know it’s never been found since. And it will never be found that was purposely taken for me I felt it I knew it there was no other way around it I knew it. the rest of the outfits what I had that was supposed to be special when I had gained from others giving me certain gifts.it’s all gone one more time smh.

At this point I just wanted to go wherever I was supposed to be ending up and just try to relax and go to sleep I have been fighting homelessness for more than 2 weeks hunger for about 2 weeks I was very tired I had been up more than 48 hours straight and I just needed sleep I just wanted to sleep it’s all I wanted.

I I had to wait 2 hours before I could get picked up come to find out I didn’t even realize it was so damn tired I was 30 miles outside of natchez. No internet connection. No nothing. And I mean my whole life my whole job everything has to do with everything everything I’ve ever done is it’s on the internet that’s approved workers that I need the Internet so I just busted in his chairs and I just went on the couch with my one bag my computer and I just went to sleep.

I I was woken up to eat so I ate and went back to sleep I woke up again I think I asked if I have a room to go to cuz I know some couch. his son had picked me up so his son was living with me and it was his son that told me that when he tried to get me up to go to bed with him I said no I don’t sleep in the bed with men. So he directed me to my bedroom and that’s where I went back to sleep. For 28 hours total.

The next afternoon going to get home or evening rather all I know is that I was woke up about cleaning and I hadn’t done nothing yet and I’m not going to be dominant in his house and I’m going to be submissive and I need to get my ass up and clean and all I can tell you is I was scared shitless to wear a pistol in the only pair of pants that I had. I did not know where none of that was coming from I don’t know how I was being dominant in his house I did not understand none of it I needed the rest I’ve been finding homelessness for two and a half two weeks or so or more you know the whole nine yards my whole body was just tired the whole stress of everything in November was terrible I just needed to rest you know but yet again I wasn’t allowed to. And he scared me at that point. I mean he’s 6’5 this is huge to this 4’10 woman I’ve already gone through so much trouble that he just scared me. he kept wanting to know what I have gone through so he could better understand he said well to make the long story short no it was all thrown my face.

A week into being there no clothes you find he’s got clothes from the ex or something that his that live there so he lets me use those until he wants head. Then all hell breaks loose.

You know I’m going to stop right here on that one I’m going to mention to you you know it’s all about the attitude from the man. when the man acts like an asshole there’s no way a woman’s going to want to fuck him at all and honestly speaking had this motherfucker came at me in a whole different way and let me rest he would have gotten me what he wanted and probably a whole lot more. The fact of the matter that he made me feel like worse than what clients do and he treated me worse than what clients do it’s degrading it’s humiliating and I still don’t know what the fuck he meant about oh I’m not going to be dominant in his house no he wanted to show me who wanted to force dominus that’s not dominance that’s abuse.

He something I was going to be like I was 15 years ago when I stayed with him for a couple months or so I don’t even remember 15 years ago that’s when I’m realized my memory of the stress and everything that the pressure your body can only take so much and that’s what I was telling everybody in the meantime all these years I don’t have a lot of my memory a lot of things I don’t remember and he’s getting pissy because his nuts are full….

So freaking pissy that his nuts were full that I got punished off the internet that night when he went to bed he took off the router turned it off I cannot advance and getting my life on track of the mess that other people has caused without fucking bowing down to him and that’s what it was about.

Needless to say it was nothing but a roller coaster of hell I broke my letter knew that it was going to be worse I tried to comply to him I tried to explain to him something that he was not going to understand and he was going to take wrong and he did next thing I know he’s telling me to take only the clothes that I had on my back when I came there with and that I was going to be put out on the street.

THIRTY MILES OUT OF NATCHEZ.. 30 MILES AWAY FROM ANYTHING. HE TOLD ME TO ONLY LEAVE WITH THE CLOTHES I HAD ON MY BACK AND TO GET OUT. NO MONEY NO PERSONAL HYGIENE STUFF NO NOTHING ZERO…PUT OUT OR GET OUT.

A friend huh? SAFE huh????…. Yea HIS RENDITION OF SAFE..

I guess he considered that since no one else was coming in the door that yes I’d be safe when he was the one that was actually the one I had really had to worry about. I mean he scared me so bad I pissed in my pants, I would think that would tell somebody something, not him. I mean it was obvious to me that i was nothing but a worthless whore to him. I was trying to get out of work and I was being forced into it. To him I was a bitch in his house and I was going to fuck him and clean his house for him and his son.

After the degrading humiliating groveling shit that I’ve had to go through the last 3 years I cannot describe there’s no words there’s absolutely no fucking words ever to describe a motel manager calling me a bitch telling me I wasn’t worth respect I cannot describe what it feels like for a supposed friend to strip you of your dignity and tell you you’re not worth having clothes on your back just because you don’t feel comfortable at the moment to give up your fucking body for payment because I was in their house I was occupying space in that house I stayed in my room quiet and it hurt the fuck out of him that I took his internet and I occupied space in his house and because of that I owed him my body at any given time he pleased.

I’ll spare you the 18 hours worth of breaking me down to finally fucking comply to him. I’ve been told to make myself enjoy it to make myself do it because I was a whore anyways. He had asked me but what did you do with work I’m like mother fucker at least I got to choose the less vile ones this one here I didn’t get to choose. My choice taken away from me and my dignity stripped away from me all of it yet again just going stripped completely away from me.

What I will tell you this before he got home I had my bag packed, the only clothes came there with on my back, and I was out on the porch with the animals before he showed up from work I did not feel comfortable in this house he scared the shit out of me and I didn’t want to have nothing to do with him anymore.

The only way I was allowed pretty much to have my only room back, putting it bluntly. He made me nailed down in front of him in front of his chair telling me come show me come and show me what you’re talking about no what you did was in reality is he forcefully by punishing me by putting me out or telling me I was going to be put out 30 miles outside of town I had to bow down to him and rape my own fucking mouth Yes I’m going to say that again.

By punishing me from the internet and from allowing me to advance in my life of trying to fix every fucking account that everybody else has screwed up, stopping me from trying to fix all the shit that everybody has screwed up in my life, and Salvage whatever I could salvage that was left. And not to be put out on the middle of a country road not even where cars come by to where I can fucking hitchhike. I had to willingly kneel down in front of him cower down,  bow down and rape my own fucking mouth so that I could go back to my room.

I I can tell you, he shouldn’t have didn’t get the oil specialist experience he sure in the hell made me sick in the stomach I got up I wanted to throw up just I wanted to throw up in his lap I got up to pick my bags up on it and speaking word to me afterwards I laid down he came in the room and he asked me if I wanted something to eat how could he is all I could fucking think. It disgusted me.

After that I couldn’t look him in the eye again at all I look down I never looked at him I wouldn’t I couldn’t I avoided him and all cost as much as i could. I was cordial but I stayed away from him.

Well, few days goes by here it is on faced with it again. This time though, there is no way in hell I was already being punished again, internet gone again. Comes in my room saying I just broke up with someone I need some pussy no I don’t think so nah not me I’m not your emotional baggage mother fucker no I’m not here for that understand that’s that’s not what I was there for that’s not safe to me that is not nothing of the way I feel comfortable with any of it. he kept telling me he wasn’t submissive that I was submissive and I was going to be dominant in his house and I don’t know what the fuck kind of idea he has about dominant and submissive but that is not clearly if that is not it forcing someone to make someone to tell someone make yourself do it and make yourself like it is not being lifestyle I promise you.

“I’M NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER PEOPLE”……

YOU’RE RIGHT… YOU’RE WORSE…

EVERY FREAKING MAN THAT STARTS TO SAY THAT ONE SENTENCE TO ME…. AND I KNOW ABOUT WHEN IT’S ABOUT TO COME OUT THEIR MOUTHS AND I CAN MIMIC KNOWING EXACTLY WHEN THAT ONE SENTENCE IS GOING TO BE SAID….THAT’S HOW WELL I KNOW WHEN THAT SENTENCE IS WILL BE SAID TO ME…. ITS BEEN LITERALLY EVERY MAN SAYING THAT ONE SENTENCE…. PERSONALLY SPEAKING I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES ME MONSTER DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER ONE THEY ALL LIKE THE SAME I CAN’T TELL ANYONE FROM THE OTHER BLUE EYES GREEN EYES GRAY HAIR BLACK HAIR IT DON’T MATTER WHEN YOU’RE A MONSTER YOU’RE A MONSTER YOU GOT TO ACT DIFFERENTLY TO NOT BE A MONSTER RIGHT???

AND EVERY FREAKING TIME, IM SHOWN NO DIFFERENT.. JUST ANOTHER MONSTER, THAT’S ALL….. JUST ANOTHER MONSTER TO ME. And to think I hadn’t even gotten to the best part yet.

He did not want my money that I got in the first paying rent that told me even my money was whore to him. It was stained dirty money to him anyways no matter what. He was only going to take my body for payment and personally speaking I was used to being out in the cold and being homeless at this point I have been huddled up at the dairy Queen on culebra being homeless during the night I was okay with being outside with the animals. I’ve been treated like an animal for three fucking years so you know, it was no different just I didn’t have a choice between the lesser of the viles at the moment, that was the only difference to me.

You know I don’t get it, he kept telling me he wasn’t going to take my shit I don’t know what shit that I was giving him I stay quiet I clean I’m not going to sit and be somebody’s subservient and be their maid and be their slave no not after the way I’ve been treated for 3 years no I’m not I’m not going to do that. I mean I kept the bathroom clean because when I clean when I took my shower I cleaned the bathroom and the toilet and everything when I was in there. the kitchen got cleaned I was not going to go in deep clean when I’ve got shit in my own life that I’ve had to pick up because the other people digging in my fucking all my accounts screwing my life up so and he didn’t even care that I was trying to get my identity back after having my identity struck away from me knowing that I don’t even have a birth certificate no more none that mattered to him none of my life mattered to anybody matter of fact….just me…

I I can’t tell you how difficult this is for me to go over these details but you know you need to know this because people keep telling me it’s my reality so I’m going to bring my reality to the forefront it’s time.

Here is exactly what I’m going to tell each and every one of you and I don’t care whether you like it or not it doesn’t matter to me.

WHEN YOU ARE CONSTANTLY STRENGTH OF YOUR DIGNITY YOUR PRIDE TOLD YOU’RE NOT WORTH ANYTHING SHOWN YOU’RE NOT WORTH ANYTHING AND TOLD YOUR VALUE IS SHITY AND YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT NOTHING IN YOUR VALUE IS NOTHING TO EVERYONE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE A WHORE

YOU WILL FIGHT TILL THE END OF FUCKING TIME TO CLING ON AND TO KEEP YOUR OWN SELF-VALUE AND YOUR OWN SELF-WORTH AND I’LL BE GOD DAMNED IF ANYBODY WAS GOING TO TAKE THAT SHIT FROM ME….

THAT BLOOD DOWN MOTHERFUCKER WITH AND GETTING SHIT FROM ME IS FUCKING VILE AS HE WAS TREATING ME SO …

I DENIED HIM AND I BRACED MYSELF FOR THE WRATH THAT WAS COMING TO ME BECAUSE I SAID THE WORD NO!

It makes me wonder, did anybody catch that????

It’s happened all my life it’s happened put the three years that I’ve been working

I know I know what happens when you say no to a man you get punished for it you feel the wrath from that word no I thought I had choice about my body I never have I’m a woman though.

This was an older house which meant there was gas furnaces that you had to light in each room my room didn’t have one and because eating in electricity and everything kept being thrown up in my face I just closed my door stayed in the dark and didn’t have heat covered up in extra blankets and stayed cold. I mean for real I didn’t want to run up any electricity and stuff or eat anything because well I didn’t have any money to pay for it and quite honestly I was trying to get out from being a whore and the more I tried not to be a whore the more I was forced to be a whore and that just was worse than anything I could ever explain.

So that was on a Sunday. For Monday, things were VERY somber. His son and I both avoided each other. I stayed in my room and Lord knows I didn’t know what was about to come but it was going to come. I had blocked Glenn off my phone because well I didn’t I just couldn’t deal with it after everything I have gone through no so I didn’t hear from him all day Monday. I happened to be outside smoking a cigarette when he walked up. And all I had to do was make the mistake and be in his presence and barely say hello to him. Of course not wanting to disrespect him in his house I mean as it was to him I disrespected him when he triggered me one time. He wanted me out right then there I was getting up and there was no tomorrow about it I went to the room I went inside I went to the room he told me well if you’re not going to suck dick then I had some cleaning for you to do why didn’t you answer us so I never got the phone call or the text why didn’t you leave a message on the table this morning?  He said well I told Jason to tell you I said Jason never said one word to me. I had BOTH, my brand new tablet and my brand new phone in my hands he grabbed my brand new tablet threatening to smash my brand new tablet on the floor. I have just lost everything the only time I have any to any of the world to try to get my life together was my electronics brand new stuff brand new that one more time some man was going to destroy for me. All because they didn’t get what they wanted of course he I want to grab for it and still having it in his hand he pushed me but my head back but this time I had pissed everywhere I pissed all over the bed I pissed every fucking wear screaming in fear fucking screaming because don’t destroy my things screaming because stops just screaming because of it all.

He grabbed my duffle bag I went to grab it because well I’m trying to grab and grab a hold of my whole life my whole life is that one fucking bag you understand that my whole life I have just fucking lost that one Got damn bag is all I got left of my whole life!!!! Of course he rips it to wear well I got to spend more money of course replacing somebody else’s bullshit that they’ve done to me, making me pay for whatever it is that men want me to pay for and whatever way it is that I’m paying for it it don’t matter which what way that fucking shit is I’m still paying.

He said you’re leaving bitch you’re leaving tonight. It wouldn’t even let me stay until I got my paycheck I occupied a space in his fucking house and he didn’t like it all because I said no. And now you wonder why….

I can’t begin to express being stripped of dignity by being made to take off the clothes I was wearing and him watch me pack so I would not steal any of the clothes he let me use to put on my back you have no idea what it feels like to be stripped of the clothes off your fucking back because you would not fucking be a whore. I can’t tell you God damn what it feels like to have men strange men look at me like the motel calling me a bitch and this one that was supposed to be my friend.

He threw in my face go worship you and your horn God. Spatting out blasphemy at me, after i had told him then I had to be going through spiritual warfare and spiritual abuse. HE SPAT BLASPHEMY AT ME… Oh it hadn’t even started yet

Tells me that he was going to get me a motel room for the night before I opened my mouth but now I was going to be left on the side of the road.

So now stripped of the clothes off my back, i carried my broken back in my computer to the truck needless to say his he had his son come with us just in case I said it he went to hurt me.

So here’s the psychological part of what he did and he knew what he was doing because he just mentioned that he was going to put me on the side of the road. So it was definitely conscious.

Instead of putting me somewhere safe he goes to a friend’s now I’m in the middle of freaking the fuck out scared out of my mind you have no idea but I’m about to show you anyways his friend has got some trailer that has electricity no water filthy as shit it’s just a trailer that’s just there okay it’s just it’s broken into every window is been broken into everyone who was broke just shit trailer for shit literally… WITH FIVE RATS… ONE OF THEM THE SIZE OF A CAT

So he Parks I don’t know he’s on the phone he’s saying something about shelter this and I mean like he waits I mean just the audacity now he wants to try to find me somewhere to go no that was a slap in my face. And here’s one for you I hate when men ask me this shit, WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO WITH YOU.

Ummm ummm ummm I’m stuttering I can’t answer that motherfucking question. I don’t even know how I have nothing to say I’m blank why? here’s why…. Seems like everybody’s boss in my life around the last 3 years seems like everybody knows what to do with my life and fuck up my life and do whatever they want to do in my life why do does anybody ask me what the fuck I want to do or what I like or don’t like or whatever because nobody gives a shit and everybody has say so in my life but me that’s why. .

Why would you even bother asking me what I like or what I want or what anything because well I mean I don’t have any say so in my life I haven’t for a long time seriously that was just nothing but a slap in my face and another fucking insult.

I don’t know somewhere along the line I heard something about dropping me off on the side of the road and no water I I couldn’t process anything I’m in a state in a town I don’t know anybody but him I don’t know where I’m at I don’t know anything I’m a sex worker that’s trying to get out and there’s no telling what can happen to me I can disappear and die any fucking time.

The psychological fucking  all this I’m a whore that was trying to not be a whore that got fucking punished for not being a whore that now can’t take a whore bath. No water.

So wait a minute you mean to tell me you him call me a whore and tell me I’m worthless because I am a whore but then yet when I try to get the fuck out I get treated 100 times worse by a supposed friend no doubt.

If you ever wanted to see what TRUE FEAR really looks like I dad take a picture of it and I didn’t take video more audio of the fear that I had been dropped off someone I didn’t know I didn’t know where I was at true fear very truth fear in the very true sense.

THIS IS WHAT TRUE FEAR LOOKS LIKE

So I ended up being dropped off on the side of the road somewhere and I just with some guy in some motel that look like that was a crack motel and a time that hadn’t been cleaned in forever and to end it all on Batman he bought food for me but would not give me a roof over my head the two weeks that I was there until I got paid. All this was by December 14th 2 weeks just two fucking weeks. That night The stranger I was dropped off at in this strange town not knowing anybody was watching crime shows of women disappearing being raped and never found again.

Now I’m a sex worker who’s in a strange town don’t know anybody just dropped off at some strange man’s motel room don’t know where I’m at I know I could disappear at any time and never be found again I’ve just had a supposed friend just more or less tell me I’m a whore that don’t deserve a whore bath. The psychological is astounding.

————————————————–

Here is what safe meant to him, I didn’t disgrace myself again, he didn’t get his dick wet, sooo i didn’t deserve a home, water, ….I DIDN’T EVEN CLOTHES ON MY FUCKING BACK!!! THIS IS MODERN DAY SLAVERY AT IT’S FINEST!!!! ….. And why should i even give a fuck about anyone elses life, when you don’t give a fuck about mine??? My life is dispensable to you, then so is your’s. This is what I mean. I literally don’t feel nothing anymore. I don’t have a fucking bit of sympathy for anyone anymore. Don’t come to me looking for sympathy or anything else, i don’t have it, I can’t feel a fucking thing anymore for anyone. Don’t care, cuz you don’t. Plain and simple

Well thank God this guy ended up being a gentleman and homeless for 4 years he survived dumpster diving and I actually was able to interact with him better than I do regular feelings he had problems as well he heard voices and he said some things that were very similar to my gang stalking situation and that in South kind of freaked me out when I looked at him you know it took a few days but he took care of me. when he went dumpster diving he found some clothes for me to wear when I had one they found a pair of shoes for me to wear when I had none.

For Christmas it was this guy Jack and me in this godforsaken trailer would fight rats no water and both of us trying to keep warm he had found some eggs and we had made eggs scrambled eggs for Christmas morning. It was by the grace of God that I got the screen in I wanted to see me that day that I actually answered he went ahead and sent the $25 in and we were able to at least get a pack of cigarettes each a drink each and held on for a couple of dollars for the next day.

We didn’t have a Christmas meal per se.We split 4 eggs between each other for our Christmas meal.  Two homeless people, thrown away people that society has deemed to be unworthy. We found worthiness within each other. He’s about the only person on this in Natchez. He never once made an advancement toward me not once. And God did I so appreciate that so much. He respected me when nobody else did, this homeless guy respected me. Instead of taking from me which there was nothing left to take he gave to me even when he didn’t have nothing he still gave to me to help me.

He said to me baby you cannot believe that somebody would just do that to another human being. I said even though it’s supposed to friend I wasn’t looked at as a human being I was looked at as a worthless whore who didn’t deserve nothing. He said that’s not true you’re pretty girl and you seem to be very nice.

I have to tell you that right before I got my money to buy the ticket back to San Antonio he became very very protective of me and I so appreciated that. He wanted to make sure that I was not going to have my money stolen from me and that I was going to get on the bus safe I can say not many do that these days. majority of the people these days just want to take and take and take and steal and degrade you and everything else and it don’t and it don’t matter who you are.

Throughout all of this I have learned it don’t matter whether a name actually knows if you work or not any woman is looked at as a whore and not respected.

So what men have taught me is that all women are whores and its all about the “class of whore” a woman is. The highest whore being the wife, anything below that class gets treated very vile. The less than an disrespect the woman the more viable he’ll treat her and THAT YES I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT EXACTLY WHERE THE FUCK MY PLACE IS… OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!

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