Saturday, December 12, 2020 11:48 AM
Since I’m confined to the darkness of my mind, i couldn’t tell what is worse
I think it’s worse sometimes the outside world ppl expect you to be a certain way THAT IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE. It’s like expecting me to just shit 500 million in gold and just hand it to you …ITS JUST NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE.
So since I’m confined within my mind, the paper is all i have. To put my thoughts down, to “Talk” to “something” that doesn’t judge my stuttering that i now have because of the trauma. It doesn’t care about all the mistakes i make as i can barely type anymore. Because all of the just…. shaking.
There is NO MORE NORMAL LIFE FOR ME ..I knew I WOULD NEVER FEEL SAFE AGAIN…
Since I’m hiding now…or rather i say i am .. I Know I’m not hiding, let’s just say IM SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING…BUT YET AGAIN….I FELL RIGHT INTO THE PERFECT MURDER LIKE I’VE WRITTEN BEFORE
It’s such a fucking morbid sense of humor these mothefuckers have, i swear. And to know just right before i moved to Texas i knew my rest of life would be spent in a hellish tormented torture. The most slowest agonizing death you could ever possibly NEVER FUCKING WANT, i promise you. THEN WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT ITS CAME TRUE…TALK ABOUT HITTING YOUR KNEES WITH A GUT-WRENCHING KICK AND INSTANTLY VOMIT Even though there’s NOTHING IN YOUR STOMACH.
How would you feel if you knew you were documenting your own murder case. Just so that SOMEONE… ANYONE UNDERSTANDS ….KNOWS THAT YOU DIED, AND HOW ..
BUT yet again I don’t have anyone nor do i trust a fucking soul to leave the ” WAYYY MORE THAN 40 GIGS WORTH OF PROOF” behind. It’s all i have left of my life…THESE DOCUMENTS, THIS PROOF….
It’s easy to SEE… NOW THAT I KNOW ..AND OVER TIME LOOK AT MY WRITINGS
YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON ..THAT IS…IF YOU CHOOSE TO!
THERE’S TWO THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT MY WRITINGS
When they organized, nice and neat well done with formation…and there’s only a couple like of them like this …it’s the few times I’ve been allowed peace… Even in my mind
When my writings are just all over the place and that jazz…well THAT’S THE CONSTANT DRAMA AND BULLSHIT I GO THROUGH…”NOISE”.
Take for example…the ringing in my ear since last March 2019….they changed it up this morning for the first time… instead of humming and ringing and CRICKETS….i got something different this morning…the noise that a submarine makes when under water ya know like in the movies.
Yep that’s actually when i finally felt sleepy …for a little
Oh let’s talk about that rain we had here last night…OH MY GOD MORE HELLISH TORTURE. .
They LITERALLY TAKE EVERYTHING YOU ENJOY IN YOUR LIFE AND DESECRATE AND RUIN EVERY BIT OF IT ….ALL JUST FOR YOU…I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL ALL KINDS OF LOVE …AND FEEL VERY SPECIAL….THEY TAKE YOUR LIFE….AND HEY… RUIN IT….JUST FOR YOU ….ALL JUST FOR YOU…THATS A SPECIAL MOTHERFUCKING KIND OF FEELING I CAN TELL YOU.
Yes I’m being facetious as fuck but of course it’s my journal who the fuck cares.
BETTER WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS
THERE IS NO FUCKING FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION…AND ESPECIALLY WITHOUT PUNISHMENT…ITS THE WAY TO DO THINGS TO MAKE YOU COMPLY. .
And i promise you to MAKE YOU … RAPE YOU, VIOLATE YOU IN WAYS
THAT YOU CAN’T SAY A WORD, THEY MAKE YOU DO IT WILLINGLY FREEDOM OF WILL.
As many times as i have fought over these last few years…i keep finding myself back…back in that fucking caged up corner, being dehumanized in ways that goes beyond that average person’s mentality to understand.
When you read my words in my words in my writings…YES THERE ARE VERY LITERAL IN THE SENSE THAT ITS MIND BLOWING…
i mean while watching the HUNGER GAMES…i mean…ya know…the thought NEVER FUCKING CROSSERS YOUR MIND THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THAT SANE FUCKING JUNGLE, NO FOOD NO CLOTHES NO NOTHING….BEING HUNTED AND TOYED WITH…TO HAVE THEIR HORRIFIC FUN LAUGHING AT HOW PITIFUL YOU LOOK BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING HUNTED.
these people …hunny there is JUST NO WORDS
being in the underground in the under belly in the sex world…i can tell you EVERY TIME I THINK THAT A MAN…OR EVEN A HUMAN CANT GET ANY LOWER ON THEIR OWN SELVES…
It doesn’t surprise me anymore…BUT…
IT AMAZES THE FUCK OUT OF ME JUST HOW LOW A MAN WILL BRING HIMSELF TO …ITS not just men it’s the women…in my case women providers..
Oh yea about that rain last night…yea about that Brain washing i went through earlier this year…yea i sent that mfer am email at 3 30 this morning….HE FUCKING WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING…
I mean i kind of at the time kind of welcomed a decent trigger, i mean like i didn’t realize at first when general conversation “we need rain” and all. But when it’d start raining and he’d text telling me. ITS RAINING…the. It was obvious. I mean i got horny… horny for him…it was welcomed…i don’t get horny anymore…
LAST NIGHT WAS A TOTAL FUCKING NIGHTMARE now i have to live the rest of my life…i wasn’t able to concentrate i started fidgeting, then shakes then the shivers the sweating bullets…of course the horniness came…sweet TORMENTED TORTURE…ONLY FOR HIM THOUGH huh
I associate rain for the rest of my life…to that man
Ya know with all these new realizations
I can tell ya… GOT DAMN IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER ….AT CONTINUALLY FUCKING ME UP.
How ya like them fucking apples. It really fucking sux!
And ya know 99.9.99 percentage of the time most of the people that ARE ACTUALLY DOING THE PROGRAMMING CAUSING THE TRIGGERS ETC ETC ETC
HAVE NOOOO FUCKING IDEA THEY ARE. THEY ARE OBLIVIOUS TO THD FACT OF WHAT HARM THEY HAVE ACTUALLY DONE.. honestly most don’t even care… They just think you’re crazy and laugh at you.
You can see the early stages of dementia…”dement” yep demented is the fucking word.
You can see the memory loss but yet I’m still sharp as a tack…it’s weird it’s hard to explain…it’s not that I’m crazy…its time lapse that i now dealing with
I’VE BEEN SAYING THESE THINGS AND YET IM LOOKING ALMOST 1000….A FUCKING THOUSAND DIFFERENT WRITINGS….
IN TWO YEARS…AND YET
IM NOT HEARD OR TAKEN SERIOUSLY
WHICH BTW IS THE REASONS FOR MY STUTTERING
IVE BEEN SCREAMING OUT SO FUCKING MUCH ..I CAN’T SPEAK RIGHT ANYMORE.
AND THEY HAVE TAKEN MY WRITINGS FROM ME TO AS WELL…YOU SHOW ANY WEAKNESS…
YOU SHOW ANY KIND OF OUT OR ENJOYEMENT YOU WON’T HAVE IT FOR FUCKING LONG
THEY ARE ON YOUR ASS TAKING THAT OUT AWAY. . SHUTTING YOU UP… SILENCING YOU
I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY WAS GOING ON…BUT THINK ABOUT THIS
I WENT INTO THE UNDER BELLY OF HELL SCREAMING OUT I WAS CHILD GOD…
OOPS BIG OOPS IN THE WORLDLY SENSE OF SPEAKING
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD HAVE THE BALL’S TO DO SUCH A THANG. .THAT DON’T EVEN HAVE BALLS…
NOW IM PAYING A VERY SACRIFICIAL PRICE FOR BEARING WITNESS AND GIVING MY TESTIMONY I PROMISE YOU. ITS NEVER GOING TO BE OVER FOR ME… NOW…THEY ARE RELAXING IN THEIR CHAIRS NOT EVEN THINKING OF ME (I’m long gone out their minds.)
The effects of what they have done to me…oh its priceless …and lifelong …of JUMPING OUT SKIN AND SHIVERING AMD NIGHTMARES AND ALL THE REST THAT COME WITH IT.
I mean like i can’t relate to anyone anymore and no one can relate to me…
And I don’t like this new “me” and no one else does either who could blame them so i sit IN A FREE PRISON ISOLATED IN THIS SUPPOSED FREE COUNTRY… LMFAO WHAT A FUCK JOKE
FALSE SENSE OF FUCKING NOTHING
THERE’S NO WAY OF PROTECTION OF ANYTHING OR THESE PEOPLE
THE STORIES OF THE HALOCAUST IS NOTHING I PROMISE
ITS GOING TO BE A 100 THAT WORSE AND I WAS JUST A SMALL EXAMPLE MADE OUT OF I PROMISE
THE MIND CAN’T CONCEIVE IT I ASSURE YOU
I sit and rock to comfort myself
I write to come out my mind…out of prison…a means to escape prison for a little while..
My efforts of making myself stay sane. While everyone around me says I’m crazy
Life in revelation
Life of targeted Individual
Yep it sure is fun i promise