Journal Entry: Life Is Truly An Inspiration

Ya know through Covid-19, I don’t think that there’s one person that has not come through anything rough during this time in one way or the other. And every situation is a terrible situation no matter what it is, but you don’t realize at the time that there is always someone else that’s worse off than you and your situation. When we get reminded of this and we hear of a story that’s, you know, mind-blowing or even more so than our situation then we thought it tends to inspire us. It tends to give us strength and it encourages us to move forward to continue putting one foot in front of the other. It also gives us hope when all hope has been lost. It empowers us in ways that during our darkest times we don’t realize whatsoever. And I believe that now that we have all, literally all of us have gone through the quarantine and some of these hard times like hunger and the many other problems that we have been facing. For the most part, we all can relate in one way or the other to each other now.

When I speak about my life and tell of all my life stories. The reasons for me doing so is not to bring any negativity to my website or any ill will towards anyone. Nor do I want sorrow or pity upon what I’ve experienced in my life. WHY WOULD ANYONE BE SORRY FOR MY LIFE….WHEN IM NOT!!! IM NOT SORRY FOR WHAT I’VE GONE THROUGH…I’M BLESSED!!!! Because yes, I am FULLY AWARE I have led one hellva life. I know that I have gone through things that the majority of would never, could never imagine going through, both bad and good things. I will admit even through my darkest of times, I’ve been very blessed to be able to experience the best of my experiences that I’ve lived within the darkest of my times. I have been able to lead a full life that’s been well lived. I share my life stories not only as an inspiration for others during hard times, whatever it may be any one person that is going through at that time in their life. I know,….I’ve been there. (And is the VERY REASON why I’m so compassionate) it may be the smallest of things that may help someone that may be suicidal or whatever that by my telling my story, they are able to find whatever it is inside them to continue on. Because IT’S NOT THE END OF THE ROPE, THERE’S MORE ROPE TO GRAB ON TO AND CONTINUE FUCKING SWINGING, LIVING LIFE. It is as those points that we find ourselves being in to fucking give it all you fucking can pull out from with in yourself and start swinging the fucking hardest you’ve ever swung in your life ON THAT SAME ROPE THAT IS THOUGHT TO BE THE END.

By simply experiencing these “not-so-normal situations,” that I now see as huge blessings. I do have a lot of wisdom that is to be shared to others. KNOWLEDGE REALLY IS POWER. And sharing this wisdom is EXACTLY WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE, as we grow older. This being the very part of me that has always mentored others through out my life. In retrospect, I just went from mentoring on a one on one basis to sharing this wisdom out to the world and it being on a bigger scale of things. It’s because I’VE BEEN THERE, I KNOW….I KNOW ONLY TOO WELL….THAT I SHARE WHAT I SHARE OF MYSELF OUT TO THE WORLD.

Honestly speaking, I don’t think that I can make it through any of what I have gone through if I did not try to do things for good and try to change all of it into a positive situation to help others.. Then of course in my eyes everything I have gone through would be in vain. Be worthless. So I have to keep faith and I have to continue to believe that what I’ve gone through in my life is for some kind of good. and I believe all of us or at least I would think so anyways tend to try to think that way I don’t know. that’s how I am anyways.

I guess there’s those certain people in this world that sees these kinds of stories of a playground, a window of opportunity to use as a way to ruin a person’s life to get their kicks, To feel inferior of themselves. These stories of hard times that once you get through them, is now all of sudden seen as THE STRONGEST OF TIMES, IS SEEN AND USED AS WEAKNESSES, THEREFORE TWISTED, MANIPULATED AND USED AS A WEAPON, A TOOL AGAINST YOU, TO EXPLOIT. THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE DO THESE KINDS OF THINGS, BECAUSE THEY HATE THEIR OWN WEAKNESSES. Breaking a down person is a means of feeling strong to them. And some people just can’t the fact that one may be stronger than what they are. IT’S ONLY BY THE HELLAISH EXPERIENCES THAT I FOUND THIS STRENGTH. . IT’S ONLY BEEN BECAUSE I WAS LEFT ALONE IN MY WEAKEST AND DARKEST TIMES THAT I HAVE GAINED THIS STRENGTH.

As I’ve stated, “IF YOU WANTED ME TO BE WEAK, YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT ME ALONE TO HAVE TO BE STRONG” .

this is THE VERY REASON that it irks the fuck out of me when someone comes to me and makes the statement “YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I’VE EVER KNOWN” Sorry, but that statement, IT DOES NOT COMPLIMENT ME, IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN OTHERS DIDN’T BELIEVE IN ME AND TURNED THEIR BACKS AND WALKED AWAY!!!! THE STRENGTH THAT I’VE GAINED, I’VE GAINED AT A VERY HIGH PRICE. I’VE PAID DEARLY FOR THIS BACK BONE, FOR THIS STRENGTH!) (oh and being left alone in your darkest of times, teaches you HUMILITY. AND IS THE REASON I STAY HUMBLE!!!)

There’s no such thing as “Support Groups for Parents who have kids that killed them”

It may be a very morbid way to say this, BUT IT’S TRUE. I’ve TRIED TO FIND SOMETHING LIKE THIS! AS A PARENT..I’M BLESSED TO BE ALIVE!

You know a couple of years ago I saw on the news where a high school senior had killed his mother. The kid was questioned the first time and he got away with it But then he was arrested on capital murder. And that hit home really hard for me. Because that so very fucking easily could have been me. Most parents that have kids like this that have anger” problems or what-have-you. There’s no such thing support groups or anything for any one parent that’s going to this kind of situation out there. Why? Because they don’t make it through. They end up dying by their own kids. Children that as mother’s we give birth to and brought into this world. And they end up dying by their own hands. And I made it out by the grace of God.

Thankfully my child is doing so much better then where he was at before. And it seems there have been a number of people out there that decided to exploit my story, my situation with my child to a very demented and very cruel level. And decided to act like they were my child and act like it was my child who is blackmailing me. And for three and a half years now has led me and still continues to lead me to believe this was actually my child that had blackmail me. And this person that I was speaking to at the time by text. Put me through so much hell with exploiting my situation. He ACTED like he was in school and not being able to figure out what this person wanted to blackmail me with. He ended up wanting me to do three different things and I can’t remember one of them right now. One of them, the first one demand this person came up with was wanting me to shit in my own hands and take a picture of me eating my own shit out of my hands and putting it on Facebook. The second one was I was supposed to get with the truck driver and record myself essentially incriminating my own self and that person as well sleeping with the truck driver for $1,000 and giving that person whom I thought at the time was my son that $1,000.  in other words, essentially pimping me out. This all began 5 days after I got onto Moco space. I’m going to say that with the first demand this person has to be sick to come up with things like this.

Not to mention that they have used curious cat to further exploit my situation about my son and used being an anonymous mentioning in reference to the scat situation that only I would know at that point in time. To further put fear in me and again exploit a situation that I have lived through made it through thank God that I’ve gotten this far through that any one parent could find themselves facing especially single moms out there being even more demented and sick through this situation. Two further put a bigger wedge in between my son and I as he’s gotten older.

Not only did they use Curious cat to anonymously to continue to pull this Grand stunt of totally exploiting what I’ve gone through. But they also used City x guide as well as Skip The Games to further exploit this situation making it to look like it could have been my son. By stealing my pictures that did not have my actual name that just had my logo on them that allowed them to use those certain pictures to three different times now use these platforms as a means to create more havoc in my life. And yet again to further the fear of my son now that he’s 18 and an adult again to isolate me and further this wedge between my son and me.

In December, I had moved to Natchez Mississippi. I was completely out of the state. No one knew I was gone. And I got an email from whom had been a lifetime member. When I received this email, the way this email was worded struck me. It was then that it hit me exactly what was going on. Each time that there had been an ad put out like this. I would get people coming to me and anywhere from my Facebook Twitter all over the place my emails bring in this situation to me bringing this light so to speak.

THOSE SAME PEOPLE THAT WERE TELLING ME SOMEONE HAD STOLE MY PICS, WERE THE THIEVES THEMSELVES!!!

Just LIARS…..THAT DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIE....THEY TOLD ON THEMSELVES!!!

The way this person worded this was “how would you like to take care of this matter?” I would like to add in here that I had at one point in time also noticed this person was in a part of my business SharePoint Microsoft account that had no business being in this part of the account by the way. And I actually did not get a screenshot of it because it took me by surprise really and I just was like what the fuck and I just deleted this person out of that area of the account. But I did find this person somewhere in my account that should have never been there in the first place.

During this time of completely being under the radar. Something kept telling me to go further back. The more I went back, something kept telling me to go even further back into all of this. It was January this year and I didn’t catch on to the notation I found in my contact list at First. (NOTE: EVEREYONE THAT’S IN MY CONTACT LIST HAS BEEN APART OF THIS. I have not added anyone into my contact list in forever) I’m supposed to meet this person who is acting like my child to give them these pictures okay I had made reference to this time and date of this suppose meet up. When it dawned on me when it hit me, INSTANTLY my knees buckled dropping me hard to the floor vomiting, throwing up, sick. The realization hit me so hard it I can’t I really can’t find the words I really can’t. Needless to say, I was on the third floor to where I was staying at the time and I had gotten complaints. That’s how hard I dropped to my knees. It hit me so fucking hard in the guts I couldn’t breathe. Actually be quite honest with you I have found myself dropping to my knees this way more than a few times recently in the last 5 months of all of these realizations that have been hitting me I’ll tell you there is just no words to describe your whole body just buckling and underneath you and instantly throwing up especially when there’s nothing to be throwing up you haven’t been eating ….just the amount of sheer I don’t know what exactly you would call it or to put a word to that kind of thing

when these realizations hit you. They hit so bad that I threw up when there was nothing to be throwing up.

“Don’t use the Blues to cause more blues”

Another situation, I come from Baton Rouge. I love the blues more than anything.  It’s part of my culture. And years ago in my 20s, and 30’s, I lived in the blues clubs in Baton Rouge and surrounding areas. Because of this, I personally know a lot of blues musicians that have made their way into making it. This includes Larry Garner, The Neal Family, Rafael Neal, (may he continue to RIP) Kenny Neal, Elvin Killerbe, Tabby Thomas and his son Chris Thomas King and many, many others I personally know. Not only do I know them, these people have also became, over the years, very close friends of mine. I’ve partied with them, I fucked quite a few of them, I have helped during funerals and during times of need. I’ve cried with them I’ve shared good times with them. I helped them, and they have helped me as well. These people are very special people to me. They are not just music bands that I follow on my Facebook. This is not like me following rock group or rapper like Disturbed or Godsmack or any other band we all enjoy listening to and are fans of. These folks are actually friends of mine. matter of fact when Jackie Neal got shot and murdered, the night that she got murdered I had just left my son’s father and went to the shelter which actually was across the street where Jackie got murdered. So these people you know there’s a whole lot of history between me and a lot of these blues musicians. There’s not one person that can get me to believe that I don’t have any friends, that I’m alone, that I’m worthless. Hell, I was picked up in a white limo in Baton Rouge while transferring buses on the way back here to visit my friend, Henry Turner Jr.

Now there have been two situations from two different people that have used this as a way in a means to exploit me even more.

 The first, was right after I love San Antonio and moved to Floresville. About a month after my first appearance on Moco Space. This person acted like Larry Garner and hit me up on my Facebook Messenger with the name of Larry Garner on the Facebook Messenger that he had been using. So for me, there was no reason for me to question this. There was no reason for me to doubt it because first of all I had gone out and used to hang out with Larry’s brother a lot at one point in time in my life. I mean I even have been brought out into the country where they were brought up and raised and Larry even sings about. so there was no reason for me to question who this was it wasn’t like you know some big rock star or whatever that I don’t talk to and don’t know personally misconducting me that would have you know given me bells to bring in my head to go something’s wrong here you know. So this person for a month we talked through email and the name he goes by and the name he used in his email would seem to me you know just was an “agency” of some sort.  and at the time I really didn’t put two and two together honestly. I was naive trusting gullible and again all the perfect ingredients to being preyed upon.

This person had led me to believe that I would be that Larry was wanting to hire me to do some secretary stuff for him which again is not something that’s going to ring in my head saying that something’s wrong something is off. For a month he kept this up. kept it up so much and did it so well that he was able to easily get all of my information that he needed. Everything about my family everything about me birthday the whole nine yards everything. Up until he was trying to get almost all of my social security check. That’s when I stopped. Yes he was actually trying I mean they’re doing the regular scam that of course I had no idea about I didn’t know about screening I had no idea about all that.  I was so green that it was ridiculous.

Recently something kept coming at me and kept coming back to me and it kept tugging at me again to go further back. three days ago I had gone into my email and pulled up October 2017. And found these emails. And made a PDF copy of them. The email this person used directly ties into the handle this person is known for and is also a well-known stalker and has been kicked off of oh2 I know before I don’t know I think at one point I don’t know whether I’m mistaken or not had been allowed back on the board or not. But he has many times throughout this made his appearance into manipulating my situations and therefore been apart a big, huge part of making you look like I was crazy and so forth. And played a huge part in discrediting me, ruining my reputation within this community. Smearing my name and dishonoring me.

The second situation has been very recent matter of fact. On January 7th somebody made their appearance as a friend suggestion but definitely made his way to making sure that I noticed him right off the bat by going in liking some of my pictures therefore really making himself known. This person actually was at the time that I was living in Budget suites he  was working for Budget suites as maintenance. And on the day that I was having to move out he was the one that came up to me giving me cues of what was going on with the situation of me finding used dryer sheets all over my apartment under my bed behind my vacuum cleaner, this, and that and the other. Came up to me that day on October 1st and said in some fake accent ” oh you so you going to do laundry huh” that of which led me to understand that my place is being broken into to do these things.

 Gaslighting me actually. Exploiting me spiritually, instilling fear into me. And that fear would come out into the public to where I looked insanely crazy. I looked erratic, and being that I had no idea what was going on I could not explain any of these things at the time and I was I literally honestly I literally have been in fear of my life for a year now at least more than a year. I was also getting knocks on my windows and on my doors late at night. and I don’t know if a lot of y’all remember last year through mid-March to mid-April I started having a stalker at my door. Whom I had heard the girls at the front desk speaking about being back around again, but I never was able to catch his name by the way. That’s when I had found my panties being taken out of my wash. and after that I had continued to find different objects placed in my washing my laundry in the laundry room. For example gloves, like I would bring my laundry back into both it and I would find a latex glove like the white clear gloves that I had in my apartment in the wash in my laundry. I have also experienced what is called noise campaigns, noise disturbances. Which is a form of torture that is used in war. Actually everything that I’ve experienced Hitler had used these same specific methods and is still used today in war.

It was the same person that came up to me on October 1st cueing me in on what was going on that on January 7th I came stalking me on to my Facebook profile which is my personal profile by the way. That should be at all cost respected as my boundary and not fucked with. The way his profile was done mentioning Stockholm as in implying Stockholm syndrome to me. The pictures he has him in a couple of friends of buddies hanging out also implying to me that I had nobody I was alone psychologically fucking with my mind HARD. These undertones I guess is what I want to call them these indirect but very direct ways to psychologically fuck with me to mess my head up so bad too they were actually subliminal messages in reality and also ways to hypnotize me as well. This is what I mean by the no touch torture policy of Gangstalking. This person in particular is on Kik and is very much part of the kik groups. Being that I remember faces better than I remember names I knew that face. And I was able to tie that face into who I found on Kik.

Change the lens that are you looking thru, Find your Strengths within your weaknesses and in your darkest of times!!

Of course I can go on forever and a day about these people and I have but this is not about that this is not about them they don’t deserve that power.

It’s simple. it took 63 people over the course of 3 years to TRY break me down and break my life down. They saw my kindness is weakness. WHEN ACTUALLY IT’S MY VERY STRENGTH. it’s very easy to hate it’s very easy to carry grudge. But when you’re faced with so many that are doing you wrong and you’re still kind it takes strength to do this. They did everything to TRY to shake the very core of me. They did everything they can do to shake my faith in God. They tried to get me to believe that I was alone. That I had no one to turn to. They backed me up against corners they made me feel worthless in weak in My own strength.

I’M NOT ALONE AND I’M NOT LONELY!!! THERE’S PEOPLE THAT CARE!! THERE’S PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME!!! These people have stuck through all this with me. And even when I was in fear that these people were part of this and accused them of being one of them they still stuck by me through thick and thin. They still believed in me. And even when I was so isolated, I still was in contact with one person everyday, daily. And even though I could not see at the time through the clouds of my fear. They saw for me!!!! These handful of people, I am forever grateful. Even when it was hard and we would turn back from each other, we came back believing in each other.  Most importantly they believed in me. . These people they know me, they know my honor they know my integrity, they trust in me, they’ve never doubted me, and they don’t question the truth in my word

It’s obvious they underestimated me, they really thought that I would be there killed myself which they had gotten it close very close more than a few times got me to the point of killing myself. And I mean that’s essentially what they’ve been doing is trying to get rid of me and one way or the other. Because they did put a spell of death on me. And as I looked over all the pictures and screenshots of 2019, you can actually see the cloud of death that was placed around me by these people. God intervened. God put a client into my life that took that death spell away from me. And for him too I will forever be grateful. And in all their “busy-ness,” THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING! I’M STILL HERE IN SAN ANTONIO, I’M STILL ALIVE, I’M STILL WORKING, I’M STILL AVAILABLE TO WORK, I STILL HAVE CLIENTS, I STILL HAVE MY TRUE AND MY LOVED ONES. So there’s nothing that’s been accomplished that apparently these people set out to do.

I STAYED TRUE WITHIN MYSELF, I STAYED WALKING IN THE LIGHT OF GOD, I STAYED CONVICTED IN MY FAITH IN GOD, I STOOD FIRM IN MY CONVICTIONS NO MATTER WHAT. AND WHEN IT WAS THE DARKEST OF THESE TIMES, AND I WAS MOST FEAR OF MY LIFE, I LITERALLY WAS PICKED UP AND CARRIED. NO JOKE!!! they used my ignorance as bliss, to use against me. AGAIN KNOWLEDGE IS TRULY POWERFUL!

I NO LONGER FEAR THEM. I KNOW EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. THEY CONTROL ME NO LONGER. When they took all from me...THEY HANDED “ME” BACK TO ME! They only took what I was already giving. That was material. Once all that was gone all that noise all those disruptions all the drama brought to my doorstep to cause a ruckus In my own life, it became very peaceful once all the material was gone. So all that noise cease to exist in my peace. And they thought they had taken everything. There’s one thing that can’t be taken though even in the lowest of dispair..I …AM…A…CHILD…OF…GOD. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OR NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU!!! By showing me their darkness, THEY SHOWED THE LIGHT!!! They showed me, WHERE NOT TO WALK!!!

When you find yourself in the darkest of times and you have nothing left to fight with. The ONLY weapon you need are these words, “I AM A CHILD OF GOD!”

AND YOU SCREAM IT AND CONTINUE SCREAMING IT…. And I’m here to tell you, it’ll be like the walls of Jericho, IT WILL ALL TUMBLE.

And now that they have played all those tricks on me I’ve gained more knowledge. So if they didn’t want me to learn all these new little tricks. They should have never played them on me. They should have just left me the fuck alone.

So in the end, the one with the most power is the same one who lost it all. at that point the one who lost everything has nothing left to lose. there’s nothing left to manipulate to hold over your head. At that point the person that has been very predictable to manipulate and do all these things too become very unpredictable and dangerous. The tables get turned.

Just ONE MONTH AGO, I was suicidal because of what these people did to my life. NOW IM ON MY WAY….RISING UP FROM THOSE ASHES!!!!

“LIFE…ONCE YOU CHANGE THE LENS YOU SEE THROUGH…ITS A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE!”

LIFE…IS TRULY IS AN INSPIRATION!!!!

2 thoughts on “Journal Entry: Life Is Truly An Inspiration”

  1. I loved reading how you are up and rising and taken control back. I always believed in you. You were always on my mind and I only wish I could have helped.

    1. I had to stop and think about my answer before replying. I have learned quite a number of lessons throughout all this ordeal. And as I reflected back through all of it. I believe the most important of all was that there is nothing or no one that can take away your self worth and your self value! And even more important I learned in December while in Ms. By that point everything I had was gone, ALL I HAD WAS MY SELF VALUE AND MY SELF WORTH. That’s all I had left and even when supposedly a friend of 15 years was trying to take that away from me I fought to keep my self value and my worth! Absolutely not one person can tell anybody else of their worth and value. And because I FLAT REFUSED TO THOSE TWO ITEMS OF MYSELF, is the reason why I was placed in a rat infested trailer like I was, didn’t matter. At that point I had been going through so much spiritual warfare that I knew if I gave in that I was bowing down to the devil and I had to fight it.

      My reasons for bringing this up on this reply is I cannot believe you made the comment of “I only wish I could have helped.”I’m sorry I can’t believe you said that. And I’m not trying to call you out I’m actually caring because I do care. you helped more than I guess you realize that you allow yourself to think that you did. I mean my God you made more effort and helped and did what it was that you had the ability to do at the time when most didn’t even bother to give me a glance. Instead they turn their backs. They didn’t give a flat fuck! YOU DID! I mean some was able to do more than others, none of that mattered. It wasn’t about any kind of monetary value of any sort. What mattered is you let me know that you cared. You let me know that if I needed you that I could call up on you, you let me know you were a true friend. And then held on to me more than you I guess possibly realize.

      just because here within the last few months I’ve had to completely step back away from everybody literally just not speaking to anyone at all, does not mean anything it means that I had to take care of me first that’s all that was about. So please stop doing this to yourself because there was more that you did than you allow yourself to realize. and just like you want to see me do better than you want to see me rise above This just like a lot of other people have been wanting to see in also believing in me. I want to see you talk better about yourself, please. I want to hear more confidence in your voice, in your typing. Because I cannot believe you don’t think you helped it shocked me to read that. I love you darling. So don’t ever think that okay. Again like I said this isn’t about my calling out this is about just simply letting you know that I do care for you, ok 😘💯😍

      Ps. There were THREE people who remembered my birthday this year. And to think, that only ONE person on facebook told me Happy Birthday this year. HUNNY YOU!…WERE ONE OF THOSE THREE!!! “YOU” ARE ONE OF THOSE HANDFUL OF PEOPLE THAT I’M SOOO DAMN GRATEFUL FOR! “YOU” HELPED ME TO GET THROUGH, YOU BELIEVED, YOU NEVER QUESTIONED, YOU NEVER DOUBTED…AND WHEN I DOUBTED ABSOLUTELY EVERY FREAKING THING AROUND ME, DOUBTED MY OWN SELF DOUBTED EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. YOU STILL WERE THERE!! I DON’T FORGET! I NEVER FORGET WHO’S DONE ME WRONG AND I SURE IN THE HELL NEVER FORGET WHO’S DONE ME RIGHT! MATTER OF FACT EVEN MORE SO WITH WHO’S DONE ME RIGHT! DON’T FORGET THAT!

Leave a Comment

Scroll to Top

 

Month
Day
Year