Journal Entry: November 11, 2020

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

9:21 PM

Anytime you get food near you it’s like I swear it reminds me of Pauly shore in that movie about the caveman that’s what it reminds me of. I mean I try my best to be elegant about my eating still what have you at least human but I guess when you’re not treated like a human you forget how to be honestly I find myself not really thinking about it utensils I just think about getting it down my throat so quickly cuz I’m not home survivor my home survivor show all by myself keeping you with the day-to-day of everyday in life regular normal things I guess because I don’t seem to know how to function anymore in the world everybody passes this off so lightly and then wonders why I’m not like I used to be in dude perfect it really does picking on me and making fun of me and whatever but it’s like y’all didn’t listen or you know in the ones that didn’t I’ve come to figure out they were a part of it I mean I don’t know how to explain trying not to be an animal when that’s all that I’ve been treated and you know y’all may not like what I say y’all may not accept it or whatever but you know what this is not I can accept this I can’t I finding out in Real Life coming to the realization of all these different things when you look back and you go wait a minute I had that $20 that ended up missing out of the fucking blue that I had just counted from my rent turned around walked outside or something for a half a second turn right back around came in to my wallet because I forgot the money and it was nothing and it’s like how did that happen where did it go I mean he couldn’t have been there but I guess it did somebody’s hand more specifically.

I’m documenting all this and feelings and emotions what I go through, and I don’t know if any of y’all remember I’ve mentioned so many times I felt like I was an experiment. Oh my God any bland fucking mac and cheese I don’t have any salt and pepper and you know I’m Cajun I don’t have a tummy seasoning which is what I live off of oh my God, but you know what I’m so fucking hungry I think I would eat just like I said I know I’ve been an experiment and I’ve been making a full in front of the whole wide world to see and everybody keeps saying I’m crazy I’m not I’m just treated like worse than a lab rat.

It didn’t take a week and a half for the harassment to start all over again passing by and knocking on my window knocking on my door now talking and I’m in the cubby hole I’m in a corner it’s been quite quiet all of a sudden like I said it comes in spurts and waves and I knew it was going to start all over again I’ve done nothing but spend money previously and everything that read I’ve gone through exactly all of them it’s the most slowest worst death you can ever imagine is what I feel like I’m going through I mean why continue working on anything it’s continually fucking sabotaged so why when you these people continually fuck shut up on purpose just to fuck it up just to make you go around and circles and that’s what I’ve been doing I’ve been this free slave labor for all from nothing just to run in circles talk about the human type the humanizing you and strengthen you of every bit of your humanity is a what I feel it’s definitely what I feel it’s what’s been done actually just nobody really actually chose to see it but I have to live it I need to I’m forced to live this way cuz this is never the way I’ve lived I’ve come through struggling times I’ve never been dehumanized in such ways I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to not even be human I mean I can’t wash clothes I can’t I go  six seven days hungry. And everything I say is used against me is exploited I’m punished for it in ways that it’s so on the low-key like they do it just like described to where they don’t get in trouble and I can’t ever prove it it’s so horrible nobody has ever I mean like wasted you wouldn’t even think about like this motherfuckers did and deep in your fucking life and they just all at one time take these claws after digging in your life and every fucking part of it and they just go yank and rip it slowly with a full  fucking knife and just tear it all the pieces. I mean like they force you and make you give up you’re getting punished because you’re fighting it and that’s what I’ve been doing you know they want me to lay down so they can kill me they want me to.

Damn my God like I only take time to chew my food anymore I just I found myself just now swallowing it home I’m only eating mac and cheese blend at that but I just realized that I was swallowing everything and it wasn’t even taking time to chew it that’s what hunger does to you being left out like this and yes I’m documenting money fucking does and the breakdown of the body and the mind and what’s going on because I I’m forced into dementia actually because I cannot express myself anywhere without it being used against me I know I have my right mind but every time I talk about a man exploited or punished I know it’s going on and nobody wants to admit it nobody is going to a minute it doesn’t even matter I know I fucking know what’s going on and in a way that’s comforting and in a lot of other ways that’s the last fucking nail in the coffin right it’s like do you want to find out and when you do my God this is something I have to handle a lot in my life I’ve had to swallow so much in my life I’m having to swallow people purposely directing your life into a downward spiral of losing it all when you know you should not even be even close to that all I can show is a picture of me crying cuz there’s no words

God someone sent me $25 to you and if it weren’t  for these people I would be dead by now. I have to say it humbles you so much. I was able to get a chocolate covered cherry I don’t remember the way I had any to be quite honest with you it seems like it’s 30 million years ago just so many changes and so much fucking shit I’m going through I can’t even repeat I’m really feel like I’m a dementia I really just want to get out of this I got to pray on my knees so much I don’t deserve this no more no one does

The late I haven’t been treated special in so long a chocolate covered cherries made me feel weird, strange uncomfortable I’ll be my friend recognize that I used to chocolate covered cherries as a special little treat for me, but it is slight my brain pick that up but couldn’t compute it couldn’t recognize the taste too with the signals in my brain was saying that I used to it’s really weird like your body breaks down how it all happened. So fucked up

Like everybody says get off the dope,  I’m not on the dope. like that’s such an excuse and bullshit because even if I had been doing no I can’t afford it I don’t see anybody to get it what the fuck those are the kind of people that want to ignore the actual what’s in your fucking face kind of thing it’s plain as day how my body and my mind is breaking down you know and it’s and I don’t want to say mind as far as breaking down as a 4th month stability but I what I’m saying is it’s obvious that something else is going on than dope or I’m crazy because it’s not bad all these conditions I have they’re very humane inhumane excuse me very inhumane bad conditions even though when you come into my home from what home it really is it doesn’t feel like home I don’t let anybody see this it’s embarrassing humiliating and I tried to not to say anything but I mean it’s the only way I have to express and get it out of me and people are trying to quiet my voice and that drives you even more crazy so I won’t allow myself to get like that they got me to where I stutter and I can’t type anymore that’s why I have to dictate everything I can’t type anymore because all of this so I quickly put my thoughts down cuz I can’t type it out anymore and I used to type 90 words a minute not anymore. Smh

I I hope there’s no blacks or Mexicans that are living this way. I hope that no other culture no other person is living this way I hope that this isn’t in vain that might happen to live like this can do good for somebody else whether it’s picking up on the signs of stalking or whatever it may be I hope to God this situation turns out to be a positive thing out of this cuz I cannot deal with my life just living like this and it not going for some kind of good reason I mean we all have to have a purpose in life right and if mine is too give my life up so somebody else can have a better life than okay but I can’t deal with the fact my life would be worthless and no reason is that I die for nothing and all my fight and everything it just can’t handle that very much

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