Journal Entry: What Is Choice To You?

So you, the reader, I have a question for you

What does CHOICE mean to YOU?

IF someone actually cared enough to actually ask me.  And mean the actual question and wait to hear my answer ..and CARE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY.  “HEAR” MY FUCKING ANSWER…

I don’t know how to answer

I don’t know what choice is

What is FREEDOM OF WILL

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU?

I think I can answer that one…

Hmm Freedom of Will…to me?? It means I WILLFULLY DO SOMETHING, EVERYTHING THAT I DON’T WANT TO DO, WANT TO HAVE DONE, OR NOT COMFORTABLE WITH AT THE TIME

IT means I WILLFULLY do whatever it may or that I’m not ready for yet

OR

I WILLFULLY fucking pay the price of the wrath of my punishment that is coming to me!

It means whatever weakness known its used as a tool against you.

For me, those tools have been cigarettes, food, shelter, internet, Computer…AND SEX

Sex as a weapon, a tool to hurt me

Take for example number 1, my youngest son’s father.  When he drank, I KNEW I better brace myself for whatever wrath I would be enduring for whatever reason that he conjured up into his head….just to have a false sense of control in his drunkenness.

We would get into it, the next morning, he got his coffee, his breakfast, his clothes pulled out for him, his lunch made, his little note or whatever in his lunch for him. And of course his fucking blow job. 

And I would get .. my cigarettes taken away from me. And hidden.

Oh and he would make damn sure he would put a password on the computer, to lock me out, so I couldn’t enjoy myself at all with just playing solitaire or black hawk down back then

Another example…we can go on forever when it comes work and choosing one nasty hurtful man after the other. The vile fucked off ways just to make sure you have what needs can be met with what ya have to go through to get it, but I won’t go into detail

Third example of FREEDOM OF WILL.   WHAT CHOICE MEANS TO ME

I leave san Antonio I’m told I’ll be safe; no one is going to come in to hurt me here,

After what i endured 24/7 round the clock for years, a bus trip later, the REST OF MY LIFE JUST UP AND DISAPPEARS FROM ONE TRANSFER TO THE NEXT 2 HRS LATER.

Stressed hungry tired.  Just exhausted in every which way body brain everything. I get to my destination, no 36″ duffle bag.  I slept, internet sucks in the country. So i sleep the next night upon the arrival of the owner of the house.

He proceeds to make sure he exerts his 6-foot 5 dominance over a 4-foot 10 woman, THIS IS HIS DOMAIN, I’m told. 

His Dominance … after all the trauma for years…i pissed my pants the only clothes i own on my body.

Two days ago i get punished the internet is turned off at night upon going to be bed, I’ve gone by rules of making sure the house was done .. EVERYTHING…BUT SEX

He wants to know. Says he wants to understand.. NOTHING I SAY REGISTERS… NOT A THANG.

The only thing that registered was

Okay so we can do that, my worship sessions were 125 a half hour, once a week…4 weeks equal to be 500 paying rent for the month. .

It registered so fucking well. It pissed him the fuck off bad.  So i got punished no internet.

Him understanding.. was forcing me to talk about things i wasn’t ready to talk about . Why do i want to talk a man about things that men have done to me???????

It’s not going to be understood that I’ve already been through passing out from so much pain in my back that the same pain that knocked ne out woke me up  to being VIOLATED…why would that register..

I wrote a letter begging for him stop this means i tried to express everything and explain it in writing cuz i can’t “talk” to explain it all. The TRIGGERS

THAT NIGHT I GOT TRIGGERD.. RAISED MY VOICE SOME to him i was being ungrateful and disrespectful and i was dominating his domain.

When i sent the letter the next morning knowing full well how it was going to be taken…

And guess what just as predicted ..

“This bitch is crazy, she needs to go, WITH WHAT SHE CAME WITH”

THAT night after all day of hell after being made to go back into my corner,

“Fine whatever I’ll freaking comply”

I asked if i could just rest after all the turmoil

MY FREEDOM OF WILL..

“I guess you just need to make yourself do it”

After the humiliation of having to comply after asking before for patience sex has been a weapon used on me. . after what i did end up telling him to make sure i did because that’s the way it is was….guess what

NON-OF IT MATTERED, IT WAS SHRUGGED OFF ALL HE COULD WORRY WAS 125 and getting head .

“Come here and show me”

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FORCED RAPE

THE MOST DEGRADING AND HUMILIATING WAY TO PUT THE TOPPER OFF AFTER ALL THAT DAY. 

MY FREEDOM OF WILL HAD TO BE KNEELING DOWN AND GETTING HIM OFF,

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FORCEFULLY WILLINGLY

RAPING MY OWN FUCKING SELF

i can’t even look at him. .i got up grabbed my bag asked to go to my room, i didn’t even wait ..i washed my mouth and laid there curled up sickened humiliated felt gross. .and then he comes to ask me if i wanted to eat

All the while i was trying to keep from throwing up while he was around. So he wouldn’t know

He didn’t see it being a big deal to him

But for me

ITS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BODY ..OH BUT YET AGAIN I GOT IT WRONG

ITS MY NAME THAT’S ATTACHED TO THIS BODY, TO THE CREDIT… OR NON-CREDIT ..BUT THAT’S ALL THAT’S ATTACHED THATS MINE

ALL THROUGH WORK

MY BOUNDARIES…IT WAS MADE SURE THAT I KNEW I WASN’T ALLOWED ANY PERSONAL SPACE, TIME PEACE RELATIONSHIP. FINANCES, FOOD SHELTER OR ANYTHING

I DIDN’T HAVE CHOICE I HAD TO PUT UP WITB THE VILE DISGUSTING THINGS THAT MEN DUE TO WHORES OF WHAT MEN CONSIDER THE LOWEST OF THE CLASS OF WHORES.  CUZ THEY MAKE SURE TO MAKE IT KNOWN

WOMEN ARE NOTHING .BUT WHORES…

ITS THE CLASS OF WHORE THAT MAKES TGE DIFFERENCE IN JUST HOW VILE THEY WILL TREAT YOU AND DON’T MAKE TGE SANE FUCK UP AND FORGET IT KIKE I HAVE

SO HE GOT HS NUTS DRAINED, I GOT A BED THAT I DON’T SLEEP OR FEEL COMFORTABLE TO PASS OUT EXHAUSTED

HE SAYS IM SAFE I WON’T BE HURT HERE…BUT EXACTLY WHO AM I SAFE FROM. .MY SAFETY…WAZ TAKEN, TAKEN TGE SECOND DAY I WAS HERE… when j pissed my pants scared over his Dominance and the Dominance of what I’ve been getting…

So again… another serpent .. another monster…so many monsters All the monsters green eyes, blue eyed, tall … short…is that supposed to the monsters are not monsters anymore. Cause i personally i can’t tell the difference. 

ALL FUCKING MONSTERS SCARE THE SHIT OUTTA ME…AND WHAT MAKES …YOU …YES YOU …NOT A MONSTER ..JUST CUZ YOU SAY. YOUR NOT LIKE THEM…THE SECOND YOU OPEN TO SAY THAT EXACT SENTENCE…AS PREDICTED AS SUCH ..YOU BECAME THE WORST MONSTER OF ALL.TO MONSTERS LYING TO ME

AND TAKES MY SAFETY…AND CHOICE AND FREEDOM OF WILL

STRAIGHT AWAY FROM ME

MY PERSONAL SPACE . ANYTHING ABOUT ME TGAT IDENTIFES ME AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH WANST LIKES AND ENJOYEMENT AND NOT LIJES ..

ALL THESE LITTLE SMALL THINGS TGAT TURN A PERSON INTO An INDIVIDUAL HAS BEEN STRIPPED AWAY FROM ME, DESECRATED, USED AGAINST ME .. ANYTHING IVE ENJOYED HAS BEEN DIRTIED AND MADE ME SCARED OF.

This is my ENDING statement on freedom of will

Those same exact tools you use as a means of CONTROL to passive AGGRESSIVE force COMPLIANCE

FORCEFULLY MAKING ONE TO HAVE SUBMISSION TO BOW DOWN AND KNEEL IN FRONT OF YOU BE THE MEANS IF PUNISHMENT AND PAYING WHATEVER PRICE YOU FEEL IS NOT HIGH ENOUGH TO MAJE THE WHORE PAY… MAKING THE WHORE HIGHER THE PRICE JUST YOU SEE IT AS PAYING FOR SEX WHEN THAT REAL NOT THE CASE

DOING THE MOST DISGUSTING HUMILIATION AND DISGRACE AS PAYMENT IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR PAYMENT IF CASH…..

IS THE SAME FUCKING EXACT TOOL USED AGAINST YOU TO DO THE DIRTY NASTY HORRIBLE GROSS THINGS

FOR SATAN HIMSELF

SATANS HANDS…THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS…DO YOU REALLY A PRINCE WOULD ALLOW HIS HANDS TO HE DIRTY…

MUCH LESS BE DRIPPING IN BLOOD!

THE TRUE SLAVES OF THE GRIND.. THE TRUE PAWNS USED TO COLLECT TGE NUMBERS…YOU GOT A VERY SPECIAL WITH YOUR NUMBERS INTO THAT GRIND  ..YES YOU ARE A SPECIAL SLAVE A PAWN TO DO SATANS DIRTY BLOODY DEEDS

DON’T CARE HOW IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU READ WHY WOULD I

THE TRUTH IS TRUTH…AS I TOLD TO MAKE MYSELF LIKE IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN

STEALING EVERY FUCKING LIVING THING . AND NON-LIVING..AND JUST WHATEVER ELSE YOY COULD INFILTRATE TO STEAL FROM ME.

SERPANTS…. HISSING IN HIS OWN FUCKING WHINES

I FIND THAT TO BE PARADOX…

10:25 PM

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