Let’s Go On A Journey written may 7th still in my drafts from msroguesa.net site
I invite you to take a journey with me. But, before we all embark on this adventure together. I need you to prepare. So before we go any farther, here’s what we are gonna do.
First, we need to be in a quiet place. If it’s not quiet where your at, then please. close this up till all is still in your corner of this land. When the blanket of stillness has found your corner, then please join me. Now, get all comfy, maybe have some nice calming candles lit, or even some incense. Real low lighting, and if you’d like some nice relaxing music…nothing upbeat, no rap no metal…soft, moving music…maybe some waterfalls to hear in the background as we embark on this journey together.
Now, are you in comfy clothes? We want to be all comfy and relaxed, however that is, nothing restraining or tight, nothing that will take your attention away, …and guess what??? just for a little while, turn off the phone. No distractions while we are on this journey, it’s very important for you to do these things. Cuz this is a special journey that we are gonna take. …be patient, dont ask…the answers to all your curiousities will be answered soon enough. but im ready for this journey, and i’d like you to be apart this WITH ME. sooo…
ok we got a pleasant scent in the air, candles lit, some nice soothing sounds or music and a peaceful stillness around us. Now let’s lay back, just let go and let your body be like jello and fall onto the pillows behind you. lay back with your eyes closed. breath in through your nose, and breath out through your mouth, rythymically, slowly …..and again….breath in through your nose….and breath out through your mouth. find your rythym. calmly …..and again….take deep breaths….in through your nose and out through your mouth…eyes closed…smell the scent…if you got waterfalls going in the background, listen ……listen as your finding your rhythm. stay nice and calm…while your breathing….keeping a nice steady calm rhythm…do you happen to hear some ringing in your ears maybe???
The ringing…thats the universe, it’s calling us….it’s inviting us. the ringing…is the frequencies of the universe…is it a little high pitched??? The angels are calling….calling for us to join…come and play….so lets go…lets enter a world thats magical. Let’s find out what’s in store..
with your eyes still closed, still breathing in through your nose, and out through your mouth… your body is now, nice and relaxed, loose like a noodle, relaxed……now…..let go …more…dont listen to your body, let go….its gonna instictively say…”hmmm??? whats going on??” but remember, this is a magical journey , a magical land, it’s foreign to your brain. so …..just trust…and let go a little bit farther, don’t fight it, …..breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth…and again….hear the universe? she keeps calling, soooo lets gooo….
as we slip away from our bodies, we are floating……in your mind, (keeping your eyes closed this whole time) we are floating, something comes under and just softly cradles us…you look down…you see your body…and you find….your not scared…all of sudden you get giddy, your excited..you KNOW, ….your ok…your safe…….as we are floating..we are set down somewhere…not sure..looking around..”hmmm’…but you still feel like…..”its ok” the cloud that had came to cradle us, all of a sudden, it’s like we had been held in the palm of a hand…it’s fingers roll down, like to open a door, and let us out..as we go to step out, yes….out of the palm of the hand, we find that we’ve been set down on a dirt road…
let’s look around, take in,… soak it all in ….take in the smell, the colors…in front of us…look on the right, what is that? is that a huge barrell…a well??? and look…a bridge…ya know…those wooden bridges that’s like a hill….and across the bridge…on the left…a bon fire it looks like….but can only see the flame…high above, the beautiful blue and purple, mixed in the red and orange.
Then all of a sudden, almost like you’ve done this many of times, like “you knew”, you hear a voice telling you to go ahead and drop all your problems in well. Turning around trying to figure out where the voice came from. Not realizing, it’s our own voice, it our intuition,….it actually has a real live voice!!!…it’s what is telling us to walk to the barrell of water, so taking a few steps forward, as if taking coins out of my pocket, and drop it in the water and hear it “plop”…putting my hand back in my pocket, taking it out like i have an actual coin, i pull my hand back out, but this time, i sit for a second. i really concentrate on it,…i think im catching on now…how are you doing over there by your well??? This is kinda exciting for me…getting the hang of it all, i start concentrating really hard, then i FORCFULLY throw each of my problems into the well, one by one by one…my worries…my pains…my hurts…EVERYTHING NEGATIVE…..I FORCFULLY GET RID OF IT!!! I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE!!! with each “toss” of my “coins” i begin to notice something, i’m lighter, not so heavy feeling, not so weighed down…i can begin to breathe a lttle bit bet
The Start of My Shaman Journey
I just took you and brought you into my shaman journey, the above is very literally how i begin my shaman journeys very literally very detailed, though i dont rememmber if i wrote about dancing in the flames of fire before walking into a pasture of beautiful bright colored flowers all around and how the animals can speak how you don’;t need to move your mouth to speak to the animanls…i dont rermember if i wrote athat this is exactly how i found out the name to my spirit guid who is a wolf ..i dont remember if i did, but take these two wrtitings and put them together and thats where i was gonna bring you
not finished on this but guess where i was going to bring you???
this blog right here, i was gonna bring you to where i found myself, buried alive in REAL HELL ON EARTH IN A GLASS COFFIN BEATING YOUR HANDS TILL THEY BLEED FOR HELP AND YOUR SCREAMS NEVER BEING HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I WANTED TO BRING YOU INTO MY HELL SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL IT WITH THIS WRITING ABOVE
When Giving Your All Is Not Enough
Being A True submissive/slave
A slave is for her Masters/Dominants pleasure. She is there to please His wants, tends to His needs, to learn Him so well that she anticipates His needs and wants before it enters His mind. To kneel at the feet of who I’ve completely submitted to, is a position of great pride and honor. It is the sense of security and also for me, is the feeling …I can’t explain it, For me…Its simply that best sub space that I can have. It’s a release, pleasure, joy. just a feeling of total contentment!
Being a slave is all I know, close to 30 years of my life. The feeling of total and absolute submission, giving you my ALL. Putting so much TRUST into the One who owns you. The depths of giving your gift of submission is to “LET GO,” Let go of it ALL. All decisions, all wants, all desires. It also means that you “let go” of your identity of yourself. You are no longer looked at as an individual. You are to take on your Master’s shadow. His desires, His wants, His needs, His EVERYTHING, now becomes YOUR EVERYTHING. When in public, the behaviour you portray out, is the direct reflection of Him. It’s VERY important to know the proper etiquette and protocol. To be VERY disicplined, hold proper formation in all positions, all of it. How a slave presents herself, mirrors His training abilities. As He should NEVER be looked upon in a negative way from your reflection. Every Dominant is to be respected as a Dominant.
The simple decisions that were once made, the way you dress, when you bathe, smoking a cigerette, the color panties to where, all these decisions that are normally just made, now you ask permission to do this simple tasks that we all know to be mundane. These are no longer your choices to make. When you feel like lighting a cigerette, you ask for permission to do so everytime you want one. Theses decisions that are now made for you, you are giving your whole life to a person with FULL trust that that person will be responisible and will have your best interest at heart when He makes these decisions for you. You are solely, 100% dependant and reliant on your Master’s choices for you. To be in total control of another person’s life is a great responibility and one that is NOT to be taken on so lightly. One needs to have Mastered Himself, to be in RESPONSIBILE control of every situation as well as desisions to make them corectly for now TWO people. Yourself and the slave.
To displease your Master, you should NEVER do. But we are all human, even though there’s some in this world that may not think so. As humans, we fuck up. me? I just happen to fuck up all the time WITHOUT meaning to. I can’t seem to help it, no matter how hard I try. It’s a given. … But we are disicplined to be taught right from wrong. Even more still, when we are punished. Knowing the difference between the two and the severity of the displeasure you have caused your Master to be, that alone, is pure punishment and torture. Just as a “properly trained” slave does not need to be bound with rope when told to stay still. A slave does not have to go through the actual punishment to feel the most awful heartache. Knowing that you have displeased is way worse than going through the actual punishment itself. No matter the severity of the punishment. And believe me, the three times that I endured that twisted up wired coat hanger that was kept in the Freezer by my First Master, was purely and majorly intense. Between the displeasure that you know your Master has experienced AND the anticipation of waiting for your punishment. Will just absoultely be the worse nightmare ever for you. (Let me make sure to state, punishment is NEVER to be admistered when angry or mad, crossing over that fine line of abuse)
To have let down the One person you look to you up to so highly, that One that praises you when you’ve done a good job. When that praise is the most important praise to you that is recieved. The feeling of letting down and have that ONE being disappointed and displeased with you, can not be described in words. It’s the worst EVER for me personally. Its just undeniable agony to know that Ive displeased who Ive submitted to!
Can one imagine, especially any submissives that may be reading this, male or female, how it may feel to be displeasing your Owner; NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, NO MATTER WHAT YOU[VE TRIED, NO MATTER WHAT…to ALWAYS be told that you have not done things correctly, that it has displeased your Owner?? To ALWAYS be disicplined, ohhh worse, so much worse, yet….to be looking at punishment, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU’VE TRIED, ITS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH TO PLEASE the ONLY one that you are more than anything seeking that loving praise from……
I’m gonna go ahead and let it be known, in a REAL D/s or M/s relationship, the question above? Well, that scenerio is considered to be abusive. In which case, if you are experiencing this, you need to get out. But here’s the point, I do want you to keep this kind of scenerio in mind, just put it aside for a second, we will be coming back this.
Being An Empath
It’s just been recently that I’ve come to Identify with being an Empath and REALLY knowing what that means. All the emotions that I seem to feel that come rushing up, all these strange feelings that I didn’t have right before talking with someone or being close or right next to someone. I never knew why…never really could be able to explain to myself, much less to anyone else. I was always stuck, stuttering always looking for the words to explain, forever seeking a different way to explain what was going on with me so that the next person I was forever explaining this to could grasp to what I was saying. As you read in “Empaths Explained” we learned about Empath’s TOGETHER! I first ran across those couple of blogs that I had put together seven months ago. This first of this year.
For the non-empath, you may have read my words and may FEEL empathy, and compassion for the words that I had wrote, your heart goes out to me… But i’m gonna tell you now, as an empath, the weight with each blow that I felt with each “sign” and the realization of all the why’s and what’s and how’s is something that’s like 400 times more than the weight that you may feel even if you’ve gone through it, it’s 400 times more than that. To be able to put this in better perspective to help the non-empath understand. As you read, you use your imagination, ok…..
For me, it’s different, I don’t have to use my mind to bring me to these scenerio’s. I’m there..I FEEL ALL OF THIS WITH ALL OF MY SCENES. I SMELL IT, I’M ACTUALLY FEELING EVERY LAST LITTLE BITTY SENSATION THAT THERE IS TO FEEL, LITERALLY FEEEL IT! LOL Which I can NOT begin to try to express in words the increase heightened effects and how it’s behaviours that are caused from those sensations are going to be extremely different than your behaviours are going to be by only using your mind. the 400 times I put above, i don’t think is enough lol
Identifying and Recognizing
Being able to “identify and recognize” as a newly indentifying empath is like totally impossible when you’re ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have a storm of so many peoples emotions shaking you up all at one time. There’s just no way that anyone could see the light through all that “MESS”…and quite literally…it is M E S S! As I’m trying to remind myself, I’ll remind both of us, “Empaths feel emotion FIRST, then later think it through” To help out, last night for example, The “How Dare She???” blog, that was from everyones emotions, that literally was just not being able to withstand anymore “mess” that was NOT mine. I can’t deal with BOTH mine and all of the “worlds” mess all at the same time. There’s no possible way any human could do so, much less be expected to do so.
My First Thoughts…MICHELLE’S First Thoughts
To once more hear my own thoughts in my head is so weird for me, it’s always everyone else’s thoughts that’s in my head.. To be able just to not say one word out loud today, to sit here so quietly and ACTUALLY HAVE MY OWN THOUGHTS TO TRY TO WORK MY OWN “EVERYTHINGS’ OUT, ….ITS SO …SO UNNATURAL FOR ME AT THIS POINT! it’s weird feeling, im expecting at any given second to have some off the subject thought hit me, which isn’t mine to be thinking. I’m at this very second realizing that I’m gonna have no choice but to RE TRAIN my WHOLE being, everything, my every fiber in my to JUST BE ME ….AND NO ONE ELSE! That’s epic to me. To be able to sit and try to work through the “indentiying and recongizing” stage I’m having to remind myself of all of what I had learned from Patty in Ca. The gift she had given me. “GROWTH WITHIN LIFE, WITHIN YOURSELF.” To stop my head from spinning all the time, to stand completely still, quiet,… listening, eyes closed, GOD…. my body..and my mouth has literally been screaming out for soooooo long now, my body…all of what’s inside has been bubbling over way long before the new year. just begging. my body knew it needed this time, I KNEW it, ….but to be able to break away from very literally the whole world…has been so freaking impossibble and unheard of to be able to do.
Being Able To…Just Take My First Breath In
As I’m remebering Patty’s mentoring, she had told me, “your not gonna know what you want, but it’s ok to start with all your ‘I don’t wants’ first” So, I guess that’s where I’m once more in my life gonna start. Being that I’ve been living as everyone else for so long. I have no idea of who, what, when, how, why or anything to do about me anymore. So focusing on the “blessing side” of being an empath, I can’t see any of those at the moment. But, i believe I can finally….FINALLY…OMG I NEED TO SAY THAT AGAIN…I CAN FINALLY GO THROUGH THE “DON’T WANTS” NOW…(as i just sigh…and wait…i just took a deep breathe. omg wow I JUST TOOK A DEEP BREATHE AND LET IT OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN I LITERALLY CAN’T TELL YOU HOW LONG. OMG…JUST WOW! WOW TEARS starting to just fall…man….i was able to actually….just BREATHE…breathe and not feel so choked up from being smothered from everyone else. My God…I’m always being swept up like in a swirling tornado funnel and being bounced from one person to the next to the next to the next. NEVER ENDING on and on and on and on…all hours day and night, just when I’m finally able to help one person or have two ppl content and happy enough to be able to let me go so that I can possible break away for everything, it’s always 3 to 5 more people that I’m faced with, their problems, their wants, their needs, their …omg just whatevers cuz it’s been some crazy “valid” so to speak needs …in their minds that I’m needed for. Ya know I just realized….i must’ve turned the volume on the tv ALL THE WAY DOWN..UMMM i don’t EVER do that….and I’m actually finding myself sitting at the TABLE instead. smh…im in such deep thought…and it’s sooo damn quiet in here, i gotta get used to my own head having it’s own thoughts, THAT is crazy to me! I don’t know how to think or just ..i mean literally to hear myself THINKING MY OWN THOUGHTS IS FREAKING ASTOUDING TO ME, THAT IM STUCK ON THAT FACT…JUST WOW…
Identifying and Expressing MY OWN FEELINGS and EMOTIONS
Ok, to see if I can find words here, ok soo…How do “I” feel?…ME? MY? MINE? HOW DOES MICHELLE FEEL? HMMM….So I literally had to stop…and work this one out..cuz my mind starts to thinking on a person OTHER THAN ME, no I can’t do that, HOW DOES MICHELLE FEEL? MY FEELINGS? MY THOUGHTS? MICHELLE, I THINK FEELS LIKE BEING STUCK IN THIS NEVER ENDING …GOD FORSAKEN, NEVER ENDING VACCUM, JUST CONTINUALLY SUCKED DRY…MICHELLE FEELS…LIKE SHE’S GOING OR BEING SUCKED FROM ONE VACCUM HOSE, INTO…, MY LIKE A RABBIT HOLE, LIKE, UMM, ALICE IN WONDERLAND, MAYBE..I THINK SO…BUT IT’S NEVER ENDING..I NEVER CAN GET IT TO JUST STTOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! THE SUCTION IS JUST SOO…STRONG, FIERECE, WHEN I GO TO RUN AGAINST IT, IT FIGHTS BACK, IM LEFT ….LIKE RENDERED,,, JUST SO…SO TIRED, WEARY, UMMM EXHAUSTING, DRAINING, GRUELING, JUST NEVER EVER FUCKING ENDING….JUST SOOO…OMG SO MUCH IS HITTING ME AT ONE TIME…ME! MICHELLE! JUST ..IJUS..JUST GIVE UP, ITS SOOO STRONG, THERE IS NO WAY THE STRONGEST OF STRONG CAN POSSIBLY FIGHT THROUGH THIS TANGLED WEB OF JUST TOTAL MESS! I CAN NEVER EVER BREAK FREE FROM THIS THICK WEB THAT JUST WOVEN AROUND ME….WITHOUT PERMISSION MIND YOU, LIKE i NEVER KNEW IT HAD HIT ME, THEN ONCE I STARTED TO FEEL THE GRIPS OF THIS WEB, AND BARELY TRIED TO BREAK AWAY….THE CLUTHES JUST SQUEEZED THE LIVING BREATH OUT OF ME, AND I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO BREATHE EVERY SINCE. ONCE THE CLUTCH HAD ME, I WAS JUST SUCKED IN FARTHER AND FARTHER…
IT’S LITERALLY NO LIE NO KIDDING AT ALL, IT’S LITERALLY FEELING LIKE SOMEONE JUST DROPS THE EARTH GLOBE ON YOU, ON YOUR SHOULDERS, BUT I MEAN, ITS NOT SO….LIGHT WEIGHT,,,ITS LITERALLY FEELING LIKE THE ACTUAL EARTH SOMEONE HAD DROPPED ON MY SHOULDERS AND UPPER BACK AND NECK, IT MAY BE THE GLOBE BUT IT SURE FUCKING FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE REAL EARTH IS ON ME!!! ITS SOO HEAVY, THAT MOVING IS UNBEARABLE AND SO SLOW, CUZ OF THE WEIGHT THAT IM LITERALLY, DRAGGING BEHIND ME AND CARRYING WITH BOTH ARMS UP HOLDING THE EARTH UP ON MY SHOULDERS, AND WITH PERSON THAT COMES TO ME, ABOUT THIS PROBLEM THAT PROBLEM, OR JUST……AND IM NOT EXAGGERATING HERE…EACH TIME SOME ONE STOPS ME FROM THE MOMENTUM THAT I HAVE ………JUUUUUST GAINED TO GET GOING….SOMEONE STOPS AND JUST SAYS “HEY” MAKING ME STOP…AND TURN MY HEAD WITH ALL THE WEIGHT ON MY NECK AND SHOULDERS…TO LOOK AT THAT PERSON AND GO “UMMMM YESSS????” AND TO BE SITTING …STILL…WEIGHT JUST BEARING DOWN TO WHRERE MY KNEES ARE LITERALLY JUST GIVING OUT….WAITING FOR YOU TO RESPOND ….ONLY TO HEAR …>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> CRICKETS…NOTHING NOTTA……GHOST….”SIGHS”...TO BE STOPPED AFTER TRYING SO HARD TO GAIN THAT MOMENTUM TO GET GOING…ONLY TO HAVE JUST LITERALLY TRYING TO GAIN THE MOMENTUM BACK WHILE DROPPED TO MY KNEES WITH SUCH WEIGHT BEARING ON ME…IS JUST…JUST WANNA CRY…MY GOALS THEY’VE BEEN MADE OUT OF MY REACH…I JUST KEEP TRYING TO REACH OUT TO BARLY TOUCH MY GOALS THATS BEEN PUT ON ME….ONLY FOR SOMEONE JUST TO BE MEAN AND KICK THAT LITTLE PEBBLE OFF TO THE SIDE…JUST …JUST…I …I..MEAN I CANT EVEN SHRUG MY SHOULDERS, THEY HURT SOOOOOO DAMN BAD, I JUST SUBMIT AND …GIVE..FAILURE..I COULDNT DO IT FOR THAT PERSON…DEFEAT, ..JUUST LAY THERE,,,SUBMIT…AND FROM THE SIDE SOMEONE COMES UP, AND JUST HAS A POINTED TOE BOOT WITH STEEL TOE…AND JUST SLAMS ME THE HARDEST THEY CAN POSSIBLY DO WITH THAT STEEL TOE, RIGHT ON THE FREAKING SIDE OF MY RIB CAGE,…THE SHARP PAIN, OMFG IT FEELS LIKE DEATH OR AM I PRAYING THAT DEATH WELCOMES ME WITH OPEN ARMS…I DONT KNOW BUT THIS IT…ITS JUS…THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN STILL BLINDED BY THE SHARP PAIN, I FEEL ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER, THEN I JUST …BLACK OUT..TOO MUCH ..“DEATH TAKE ME PLEASE. I CANT BE A WHIPPING POST NO MORE, PLEASE I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE…WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO ANYONE? PLEASE HELP, SOMEONE JUST PLEASEEEEE HELP ME…PLEASEEEE”.………..ALL OF A SUDDEN I FEEL LIKE IM IN THIS UMMM.GLASS BOX …LIKE…LIKE IN THIS BASEMENT? DUNGEUN? ITS DARK, MUSTY, SLIMY KINDA OF FEEL AROUND ME..I CAN’T SEE…JUST SEEM LIKE IM JUST GOING IN THIS SQUARE CIRCLE BOX…JUST SPINNING …BANGING ON THE GLASS…POUNDING ON THE GLASS …HARDER AND HARDER I POUND…SCREAMING ‘SOMEONE PLEASE ARE YOU THERE, CAN YOU HEAR ME” LOUNDER AND LOUDER I HEAR MYSELF SCREAMING, BUT ITS..NOT MY SCREAMS THOUGH…SO FOREIGN TO ME..JUST THAT FRIGHTEN BLOODY MURDER SCREAMNS “PLEASE CAN YOU HEAR ME, SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER GAWD, PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE” OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN….POUNDING SO HARD ON THE THICk PANES OF GLASS THE SIDES OF MY HANDS AS MY FIST START BLEEDING, BUSTING MY HANDS FROM POUNDING SO HARD, WITH ALL MY MIGHT……
…..yet no one comes, no one hears me…have no more, my hands hurt soo bad, (im literally for real crying here, balling its killing me…im crying so hard cant see to type) still in this glass box..i barely can crawl to find a little corner, ..just nothing left in me…i just sink..slumped into this corner i found…trying to lift up…just left to my haunting thoughts…“where is everyone? why did they leave me here all alone? is someone gonna come get me, save me? why did they leave me here, don’t they know i was trying so hard to get done what they told me to get done for them? then they just left me all alone…in this..in this…” …..As I’m noticing…this smell…its just soooo…musty smelling..like basment that…just that smell…barely noticing one small light bulb..barely giving off any light…and here….ive been confined..to such …to my prison cell…no one coming by…no one to talk to , just….nooooo one…no one…just me and my thoughts…and demands worrys just everyone elses….stufff that i can’t possibly do anything with anymore….so Then this horrid realization just hits...”maybe…have I..been left here…..because i couldnt fix the world and make everyone happy like im supposed to…..”
As someone that apparently has heard my screams on Twitter…because he made DAYMN SURE THAT I UNDERSTOOD,the difference between “the GFE Experience’ VS the “bitchy wife expeience” ……………………choosing to turn his back on my bloody murder screams also and NOT COME IN FROM HOUSTON, LEAVING ME MORE ABANDONED AND ALL ALONE
i was left alone in a glass prison cell….all alone by myself….loneliness eating me alive, killing me so agnozingly slowly…” maybe if i couldve done more so that i could make someone happy, that maybe just maybe someone would accept me…just for me..god i hope one day someone will accept me..and just take me and feel some …some kind of…human touch..please god let that day come and soon God, please God, dont let me be in this prison dieing slowly please God, please God, help me”
Social Media and Empaths
I’m finally starting to realize that I’ve learned such a hard lesson, just wish it was before all this deep rooted trauma that I’m now gonna be dealing with. Just plain and simple, Social Media and Empaths are a VERY TOXIC MIX! As an empath, always always always having to stay tucked away and shielded, constantly on the standby, on guard of having to fight off the NEVER ENDING BARRAGE OF JUST EMOTIONS, FEELINGS WEIGHT OF ANGER, WORRYS STRESSES, HAPPINESSES, SADNESSES, LONLINESSES THOUGHTS’, PAINS’, HURTS’, PHYSICAL AILMENTS’, DIESEASES’, CANCERS’, BRAIN DIESASES’…..ON TOP OF JUST THOSE THAT ARE PLAIN OUT JUST SELFISH AND GREEDY, TAKING EVERY LAST DROP OF EVERYTHING FROM ME, WHEN IM TAKING ON, FEELING THESE DIESEASES AND PHYISCAL AILMENTS…JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO…JUST OUT OF SPITE…
Im left with absoultely NOTHING LEFT…just nothing but a beat up, beat down, beat sideways, lump of human skin thats nothing more than just to be used as a whipping post and dumping ground, not important just used up, thrown away trash.
As people are stopping to gawk at me, making me grovel and beg JUST FOR BASIC FOOD AND SHELTER OVER MY HEAD. PUSHING ME MORE AND MORE, HARDERR AND HARDER, SPINNING CIRCLE AFTER CIRCLE AFTER CIRCLE WITH DEMANDS, HAVE TO HAVE’S, EXPECTATIONS, as the group of ‘gawkers” start getting more and more around me, so much so to where its like a concert audiance, all around little bitty beat down good for nothing me…all hovering over me …laughing at me, throwing stones at me, judgng me, ……and then persercuting me, nailing my ass to the cross…
….just screaming out at me “SELF CARE” “TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF” TAKE “TAKE THE DAY OFF” YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED IT” “HELL TAKE THE WEEK OFF” YOU NEED A BREAK” STOP THE STRESSS” “WISH I COULD HELP YOU” “THOSE PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DOING THIS TO YOU” (when your one of them)
(since im coming to proof read and everything…im gonna stop this..RIGHT HERE, I REALLY NEED YALL TO STOP AND PAYING ATTENTION SO YOU CAN THINK ON THIS…When you are screaming at me “WELL STOP THE STRESS THEN!!!”….ummmm DO YOU HAVE ANY EARTHLY CLUE WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME???!!!
You could have helped me, you choose to turn away from me, leaving me to myself and my thoughts. You choose not to listen, not to hear. You choose to ignore. Why???? Why is it, that the only choose with the public that I have is either let the public continue to overtake my life therefore taking all you can take from me even when im bled dry, still finding more to take or it’s nothing from the public. Why is it so hard for me to be allow to have some of me???
This is what you have JUST told me with “WELL STOP THE STRESS THEN!” First off, with you being all kinda excited and putting emphasis on it, im picking up on that emphasis also. So, at first, YOU JUST FAKED ME OUT! Cuz you have just told me to do the impossible!!!!!!!!!! How CAN “I” STOP THE STRESS!??? For 2 1/2 yrs now, I’ve tried, mind you! I don’t guess you actually realize what the stress is for me huh???
LITERALLY ALLLLLL OF MY STRESS IS…..YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLLLLL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!
EVERY FREAKING ONE OF YOU!!!! YOU HAVE TAKEN OVER MY LIFE!!! YOU HAVE FELT SOME DAMN ENTITLED TO EVERY FREAKING PART OF MY LIFE THAT YOU HAVE SOOOO FORCEFULLY PUSHED YOUR WAY INTO ME AND MY LIFE, ITS SOOO FORCEFUL THAT IT SCARES ME! SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP THE STRESS WHEN YOU REFUSE TO STOP AND FORCE YOURSELVES ON ME!????
If i don’t answer your messages, oh believe me, your going to contact EVERY FUCKING APP and NOT ONCE ON EVERY APP, more like 5 to 10 times and every app, it’s gotten to the point, when I’m afraid one of fools, is gonna show up at my door, going ‘are you ok?”
I PERSONALLY DONT HAVE A LICK OF STRESS, WHEN THE PUBLIC ISNT USING ME AS YOUR DUMPING GROUNDS, SO YOU JUST TOLD ME TO DO WHAT IS LITERALLY NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO! IN WHICH CASE, YOU FAKED ME OUT, THATS NOT EVEN POSSIBLE WHEN YOU WON’T STOP! OHHH FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KEEP POINTING THE FINGERS AT OTHERS, NO NO!! ITS YOU TOO!!!
alll the while, making me disgrace myself, breaking my spirit, to where theres absoutley no fucking spirit in me left, whe nyou fucking taking THAT LAST FUCKING DROP OF BLOOD OUT OF ME…WHEN I HAVE LITERALLY CUT MY HEART OUT REACHED IN MY CHEST, PULLING IT OUT, HANDING MY OWN HEART TO YOU…BEGGING YOU TO “PLEASE TAKE MY HEART, IT’S A GOOD HEART, IT BEATS STRONGE, IT LOVES HARD, ITS LOYAL, AND FAITHFUL, I KNOW THIS HEART WILL BE THE BEST IT CAN BE, CUZ IT LONGS, JUST LONGS TO BE ACCPETED AND LOVED GIVEN A HOME TO..THAT HEART WON’T LIE TO YOU. HOUSE TRAINED, SERVEANT TRAINED. SLAVE TRAINED, AND LOOK …THIS HEART ITS UNCONDITIONAL..AND GUESS WHAT ELSE?!!! IT’S A FREEEEEEEEE HEART!”
AND just out of nowhere, someone will run fast right by me, as im laying in the dirt on the side of the with my arm stretch out, bloody, my hand GIVING YOU MY HEART, will come SNNNATCH my heart out of my hand….and fucking kick the last breath out of me …to the curb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONLY TO FIND OUT…..I WAS NOTHING BUT A MERE JOKE TO BE MADE FUN OF, TO BE DISGRACED AS IM MADE TO GROVEL AND BEG…SPIN IN CIRCLES, DOING THIS AND DOING THAT, RUSHING TO GET THE VIDEOS DONE AND COMPLETED, TELLLING ME ,,, “I NEED A SAMPLE OF IT, OH WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING WITH BIG DICKS IN IT? UMMM WELL NO I MEANT, BBC….NOOOO IM NOT HAPPY WITH THAT ILL PASS…..OR….WELL WHAT HOW DO I PAY YOU? HOW MUCH? HOW DO I GET THE VIDS? HOW MUCH AGAIN? LEMME SEE IF I HAVE THAT MUCH”…MAYBE I CAN DO IT TOMORROW, GET THEM FINISHED UP AND GET IN TOUCH WITH ME TOMORROW” ...(staying up all night for 7 days and 7 nights only to be told)...”OH WELL, I DONT USE CASH APP AND ALL THOSE MONEY APPS, THEY RIP PEOPLE OFF! “
TO FIND OUT YOU WERE NOTHING BUT LITERALLY FREE SLAVE LABOR....WITH ABSOULTEY NO HUMAN RIGHTS AND MADE FUN OF ALL DONE BY THE GENERAL WHO AT THE SAME TIME SCREAMS OUT “BLACK LIVES MATTER,” “BLUE LIVES MATTER” “BLACK PANTHER LIVES MATTER” “HUMAN RIGHTS” WE DESERVE CIVAL RIGHTS”………as I can barely lift my head up to say in such a defeated meek and mild, barely a whisper…”all lives matter, expect for one life…me, my life it dont matter” and just ….slowly put my head back down on the dirt road, cuz after being kicked and my heart just snatched out of my hand like that..theres no more left of me to bother to get up.
YOU!!!! ALL OF YOU!!! ESPECIALLY ON TWITTER AND OURHOME2 felt so privilaged enough to be my judge, jury and hang me, crucifying me. Stealing everything thing from me, …..taking my teeth then turning around and making a mockery out of me from it, telling me im ugly, if I was to get my mouth fixed, i “might” be worth something, but yet, you take the very resources away from me! i can’t go to the doctor, with no money! So you all of you, dumping your shit on me, and putting “fake goals” in front of my face thats impossible for me to do! This is what you’ve just done by telling me to “STOP YOU FROM BEING MY STRESS WHEN YOU WON’T STOP!”
This is the two choices that I’ve been given…YOU BEING MY STRESS ….OR JUST LEAVE….LIKE YOU TOLD ME!!!!!!!!! NO SUPPORT NOT FROM ANY OF YOU! NONE OF YOU! YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE OR DEAL WITH IT!
Slave And Empath
With me these two worlds are all in ONE! The slave in me, is ALWAYS going to do my best to please, even though I may fuck up, and hey, at least I admit it. But I’m going to do EVERY THING IN MY LIVING POWER TO MAKE SURE YOUR PLEASED! That’s the only way I know….I don’t know any other way, not when it’s been the last 30 years of me. But to always do everything in my power….and TO NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AND TO NEVER HEAR PRAISE….when it fucking just kills me to even THINK that I’ve displeased who I’ve submitted to, much less actually KNOWING that there’s displeasure. I can say, it’s pure AGONY AND JUST TOAL DISAPPOINTMENT IN MYSELF AND I FEEL LIKE I FAIL. iT’S ALWAYS ABOUT PLEASING TO ME, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. That’s engrained in me, I can’t help it.
The empath in me, I’m learning how to recognize it’s difficult for me. When you have always “naturally” been a “caretaker” make sure everyone is taken care of and happy before I take care of myself, ….WOW….I guess thats why I’m not taking care of myself anymore…no one is ever happy and taken care of, there’s always more of you “that need me” NOOOO YOU DON’T NEED ME…smh…ya’ll have freaked out when I’ve said, “Im done” but yet, you don’t want me..on Twitter, no one can give respect. To never be accepted….TO ALWAYS GIVE EVERYONE WAY MORE THAN MY ALL…..ALLLLLL THE TIME…AND YET IT’S STILL NOT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE! YOU STILL TAKE WHEN THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO TAKE.
These two aspects of me….the slave and the empath….there’s no words right now, i can’t find how to describe the amount …i just can’t find the words right now. These two aspects of me, IT’S ACTUALLY ALL IN ONE FOR ME..SOOO THE EMOTIONS THE HURT THE PAIN, FEELING LIKE IM A FAILURE, IT’S SOMETHING THAT JUST CAN’T BE SPOKEN…smh
This realization hit me while I was shower yesterday…I’m now 47 yrs old, all of my life, all I wanted was simply just to be accepted. That’s it, I guess I was always a fuck up to my family…I was always trying “to prove myself” ….I mean, how do you think the perfectionist part in me happened..I always seem to have to prove myself time and time again.And Still till this VERY DAY, STILL I HAVE TO PROVE MYSELF, OR YALL EXPECT ME TO ANYWAYS…it almost crippled the fuck out me in the shower yesterday to realize that literally all my life I just wanted to be accepted, and to still this very day, never to be accepted. yea….just someone to molest, rape, use, steal from, take advantage of, pick on, made fun of, thats what im good for…WHEN I TREAT EVERYONE LIKE GOLD
Just How Strong Is Strong?
Im ending with this, after 8 mths of NON STOP SPIRITUAL ASSUALTS that very literally is so horrific theres no describing it, it’s been 7 mths since i’ve indentified as an empath, I’ve been fighting for time to myself for longer than that. March the spiritual assualts started slacking off then stopping. Since April, I’ve had dealt with TWO STD scares that apparently HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! That mental stress and all, as if that pressure, and stress and worry and all…wasnt enough…My real dad died on June 26th, The Public hasn’t given NO RESPECT nor allowed me to have any time, noooo what the public did, was get on curious cat and disrespected me and had no regard for me pushing wanting to know the details about my dad and I. SMH…..When i deactivated twitter the other night, I was trying to just chill and have a drink…EVERYTIME I PICKED UP MY CUP, THE PHONE WENT OFF…i didnt get to have my drink the other night. This amount continual NON STOP STRESS has caused my face to have red blotches that HURTS when im under alot of stress, along with now, im dealing with hair loss. To take and INVEST NOW A LIL OVER $1000 INTO THIS SITE, SPEAD ALL OF MY TIME WORKING ON THIS, LITERALLY THIS PAST WEEKEND, I ONLY EAT A COUPLE OF PIECES OF BREAD AND BUTTER, HARDLY DRANK AT ALL, I DIDNT SLEEP ALL WEEKEND, I WORKED ON THIS SITE…but yet you can not possibly take a second out of your day just to read the basics ..while your running me in the ground, working me to death, you gotta stop to ask me whats already on here…oh and you dont mind waiting all day long for me to get to you, when you couldve had it answered within secs.
A constant cycle of abuse thats in a 2-3 mths for the public to take over and i don’t notice cuz im whirlwhind until i cant handle it no more..
..I AM HUMAN I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH…
IT’S NOW TIME THAT I TAKE ME BACK, I HAVE TO HEAL SO THAT I CAN FIND OUT WHO THIS NEW ME IS AS i EMBARK ON THIS NEW “EMPATH” JOURNEY AND LEARN ABOUT IT MORE,
THIS MEANS I HAVE TO SET BOUNDARYS BETWEEN THE PUBLIC AND I….that’s where Im ending this!
BTW, this was NOT FOR NO ONE BUT ME! So that i could get it out and not carry all this hurt and pain that the public continues to do to me around. So that it no longer am harming myself spiritual, mentally and emotionally. NO ONE BUT ME!
To have the Galleries page JUMP UP in number to 54% IN ONE DAY WITH 45 DOWNLOADS, WHILE I CONTINUE TO WORRY ABOUT RENT DAILY…TO RUN SPECIALS THAT NO ONE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF UNTIL YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO RIP ME OFF, AFTER THE SPECIAL IS OVER, TO CONTINUALLY TAKE FROM ME AND JUST STEAL EVERYTHING FROM ME, FROM TIME TO MY HEART TO MONEY IT NEVER HAS MATTERED AND EVEN WHEN THERES NOTHING LEFT YOU WILL MAKE SURE YOU FIND SOMETHING ANYTHING TO STEAL FROM ME,,,,IM CHANGING IM DONE WITH ALL THE ABUSE, IVE HAD ENOUGH, ITS STOP HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coming up next: Empaths have to boundarys so thats whats coming next
PS, all these situations that i pointed yessss did actually happen, and yess this is EXACTLY HOW IVE BEEN FEELING THROUGH ALL THIS TIME, ITS JUST I WAS NEVER ABLE TO DESCRIBE WHAT I WAS FEELING BEING OVER RAN WITH EVERYONE ELSES FEELINGS. it was yesterday when i was able to finally find the words,…..
if you question or doubt my story, proof of my story CAN AND WILL BE PROVIDED UPON REQUEST!
THIS IS MY STORY: A SEX WORKER’S STORY,
IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY STORY, CHANGE MY STORY!!!!CHANGE THE WAY YOU TREAT ME