OK so my last post im officially stating I’m in a full blown major major breakdown right now and it’s not gonna go away anytime soon at all I’m gonna state that the worst thing to do is feel like….lets put it this way to not visit me to not have clients come by, to not have any type of human connection would be the worst absolutely worst thing to do to me right now, to run away from me is the absolute putting the last nail in my coffin or urn rather because I wanna be cremated. The only thing that is keeping me sane somewhat focused and hanging on is the very fact of having to do screenings and getting dressed for somebody that’s giving me reason that’s giving me hope it’s getting me something to hang on to.
for anybody to feel like I don’t have my head on right or that you’re gonna get less of because I am personally going through my own Hell that well honestly that public has put me through along with my own stuff like with my dad dying um that is absolutely the furtherest from the truth ever! no matter what I’m going through what I’m dealing with, at all is it just goes away when you walk in my door
and you need to know that, because that would that would kill me because I’ve done all of what I’ve done…. all of what I’ve lost everything I put involved in my life has been for this job for y’all, for everything is for yall!!!!!!! so I wanna make that clear that, that’s what’s keeping me hanging on been in the process of um everything
yall are really gonna have to stop and understand where I’m at um because it’s been bad all the abuse of public, cyber stuff and everything from afar, the spiritual stuff that negative um energy that’s been directed at me for so long that has brought me to this point had it not been all this shit then I would never be here, where I find myself today
so I’m having a hard time thinking sometimes my stutter has fully come back from the PTSD with my son, so hard for me to get words out now my shakes in my hands are back so it’s gonna take me longer to do what I need to do then what everyone is used to me doing.
you have no idea how hard this is for me to make an official public announcement about all of it um something I definitely have never been faced with and it’s quite embarrassing and humiliating of course well i guess ive kinda used to being humiliated now from last I don’t know 2 years year and half whatever, anyways um I don’t know how about how to go about getting help, I don’t know much anything right now.
I just know that if anybody takes my work away that would be the absolute ruin of me but your really gonna have to stop and understand where I’m at and I’m not in a good place right now at all, I can tell you this much.
the story of the 5 men 4 being cops 5 are 6 nurses a shot in the ass and Hand cuffed to the hospital bed later….. I would not be a stupid m*********** to come cross me right now. I may be tired I may not have any energy and i may be a lot of things right now.
But I wanna make this clear anybody that’s reading this thinking that they can take advantage of the situation. all the pain and all the abuse and all the hurt that I have inside me Ive been saying this for a couple months now I could probably kill with my bare hands at this moment. ive been controlling everything very well but if all that was to come out all at one time I’d hate to be that person who did that and pulled it all out of me because that would be a lifetime of the pain major pain and these last 4 years of hell it would all come out ar one time so please be aware where am I and where I could be that I’ve been controlling very well all my life and it seems like sometimes it’s the client side that makes me wonder if it’s ever gonna come out and that scares me ’cause I know what I did four years ago
so this is my official statement please be understanding And umm please put me in your prayers please a lot of prayers lots and lots of prayers please
i nned to have a support system right now more than anything rn.