this page is definitely a work in progress
You know it’s always the smallest of things that matter the most. So I thought I’d share with you the small details that are very important to me. By having some insight of the person, Michelle, and what makes me tick.
Because of the way that people to tend misjudge me and take things wrong or out of context with the things that i say, and because i’ve never been understood and never been accepted ….im trying my best to break things down for everyone i’m trying to explain who i am on the inside, so that just maybe someone can maybe start to kinda grasp a little bit about me..maybe it would help ya’ll to not take anything and everything i say and do, so much to heart and so personal anymore….
and i felt that it would be best to make this a page instead of a blog, so that it’s right there for you..to be seen
you have to understand that because of me never being understood,,,that has led to me never being accepted, ….that has led to always being picked on and fucked with….like all the shit that happened last year……has caused me to have A WHOLE LOT OF PAIN IN MY LIFE, down to my own family not understand who i am on the inside and not wanting to deal with it or to actually find out the real me, they choose to walk away and because i myself didnt understand who i was until these last few years….so for me, alot of this is hard for me to try to explain and break it all down for you to BEGIN TO TRYYYYY TO UNDERSTAND ME.
Because I know i’ll never be comletely understood, and THAT RIGHT THERE, knowing that i’ll never be understood, I still haven’t come to terms with that yet and accepted that within my own self.
So this is very difficult for me to do for a few reasons. The pain in my heart comes up and it still all hurts really badly, and because of my mind i have a hard time alwasys trying to find the right words for you.
And believe it or not, i stumble on my words and have a really hard time to trying to find ways to say things and put the words in a way people can grasp whats all in my head. it’s never the easiest of task to trry to do. For me, it’s very very so very frustrasting trying find ways to try to help people to undersand teh complexity of who i am on the inside…..
How My Mind Works
My mind has always been so complex, so much so that I have tried to live my life pretty simple. I seem to always be on a high intellectual level, it never stops and I tend to get bored very easily. This is being the very reason behind me being a swinger all my life btw…….
My mind has always needed to be challenged. I lose focus quickly on things, but I’m always multi tasking, AT ALL TIMES. And when I do get focused into doing something, I lose track of everything else. so it’s never a happy medium with me, it’s one way or the other with me. My mind goes to the speed of 900,000 miles an hour, NOT EXAGGARATING EITHER!
Because of this, i’ve never been able to sleep, ill just lay there and stare at the black ceiling thinking lol……..And honestly, I believe that my addiction to watching porn all the time lmao…comes from the reason of just not wanting to “think” for the time being. Doing something that’s “mindless” to me. I know that’s strange and weird but hey, it works for me lmao.
This is why you see so many mistakes in my typing, my fingers never can keep up with what is going on in my mind and i literally have to PHYSICALLY MAKE MYSELF SLOW DOWN MY MIND, BY SPEAKING THE WORDS THAT I’M WANTING TO TYPE OUTLOUD!!!!
This is also why I’ve always been such a “high strung” person!
Am Always Doing Major Multi Tasking
To understand the complexity of my multi tasking alone…well, I don’t think anyone can. lol I’m gonna give this a try here…
I always have 3 different browsers up at all time, Microsoft Edge, Opera and UC Browser. Normally, I have at least 3 different windows of at least 2 of those browsers, with those windown having anywhere between 10 to at least 47 tabs open on EACH OF THOSE WINDOWS going at ALL TIMES! I have been known to hold 7 to 8 conversations in text on my phone, ALL AT ONE TIME. Though, I can ONLY handle doing that for a few minutes before my mind starts hurting and I go to exploding lol. And with the way my mind works, I’m always thinking of about 10 to 20 things AT ONCE, ALWAYS PLANNING AHEAD, AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO FORESEE THINGS THAT OTHERS COULDN’T SEE THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
So if I come off to you as being “short” or to “stong” being too straight forward and blunt, or if think mad or pissed off…..im NOT!!!! You are taking me wrong…..
More than likely, I’m thinking and doing alot of shit all at one time and have to keep all of that on my mind as well as keep up with the numerious conversations all at once!!!
or I may be a little flustered and frustrated with myself because there’s so much in my mind. For me to sit down and slow myself down and explain to anyone all the thoughts and stuff that I think about in literally 5 seconds FLAT…..would take me all day long to sit and explain it all to you!!! For example, me giving you updates about what i’m doing, well this is why my blogs are so long. lol it’s very time consuming to me to have sit and explain myself to anyone, but wait, to have to explain myself …..repeatedly to each and every one of you…YESSSSS I GET VERY FRUSTRASTED AND FLUSTERED, CAUSE ITS ALOT GOING ON IN MY MINE, AND ITS TIME CONSUMING TO EXPLAIN.
This is why i don’t like repeatng myself and the reasons why i speak in the way that i do sooo……here is why im gonna break it all down for you below….
- A) I speak By Definition:
- This means that the words I speak are spoken to the definitions of the dictionary.
- NOT BY WHAT YOU THINK MY WORDS MEANS, NOT BY SLANG OR BY ANY WAY OR MEANINGS THAT YOU THINK THE WORDS I SPEAK MEAN!
- B) The Words I Speak Are Choosen For A Reason
- C) I Say What I Mean and I Mean What I Say:
- This means when I ask how long it will take for you to get here, do not tell me what intersection you are at!!!! THAT DID NOT TELL ME WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW ESPECIALLY WHEN I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I’M AT.
- when I ask for your birthdate and your full middle name, DO NOT give me your linkedin and a picture of you!!!! THAT DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL!!!!
- When i ask for you birthdate and your middle name, YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS AND YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW BUT I AM LOOKING FIVE OTHER PEOPLE WITH THE SAME INFORMATION THAT YOU GAVE TO ME , THIS MEANS YOUR LINKEDIN AND A PICTURE OF YOU DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- When I say I had my first threesome when I was 15, THAT DID NOT MEAN THAT I HAD MY DP WHEN I WAS 15, NOW DID I???!!!!
- D) When I Speak, I Speak To Be Heard:
- I do NOT speak to waste my time, I do NOT speak just to be freaking wasting my breath, I do not speak just to repeat myself! I do NOT speak just to be ignored and not acknowledged!!!!
- E) When I Speak, I Speak THE TRUTH:
- This means, NOT “my’ truth, NOT “your” truth, NOT your what you believe to be true, NOT what you perceive to be true. If you can NOT handle the truth or accept what is factual and truth, if you do NOT like what I have to say and can NOT accept what I say, then you might want change what you see in the mirror when you look at yourself!
- F) I Am VERY Blunt, Straight Forward, and Shoot Straight From The Hip:
- This means I do NOT beat around no bush, there is NO BUSH TO BEAT AROUND!
- G) I speak VERY LITERALLY!
For Me To Say Things Like “I Can’t Do It All” or “I Can’t Keep Up” …..ITS A WHOLE LOT! ….
You have to understand that I won’t say a word to anyone about anything until it’s too late, basically….i’ve always been one of those that hold things in, until it all blows up out of me….and because of the Complex PTSD times TWO that I have. “i blow off steam” im not mad….the amount of stress and pressure that IVE BEEN UNDER FOR OVER TWO YEARS NOW….and me FINALLY SAYING I CAN’T DO IT ALL…FINALLY SAYING IT…i guess the equivelent would be…..EVERYONE ELSE WOULD’VE TAPPED OUT AND CALLED UNCLE LESS THAN 6 MONTHS IN THE FIRST YEAR OF THE STRESS…and im going on my THRID YEAR HOLDING THE STRESS I HAVE….AND BECAUSE I MULTI TASK THE WAY I DO….NOW….
if one fucking thing that i have set fucks up….IT FUCKS EVERYTHING UP….
HUNNY CHYLD, Ima one mfin multi tasking, juggling the mult tasking and turning THat into MORE multi tasking and juggling fool… i swear lol
because i’ve had to become very resourceful on my own, i can make something OUT OF NOTHING AND HAND TO YA OUT OF MY MAGIC HAT!!!….AND I CAN KEEP DOING THAT FOR THE LONGEST TIME ….BUT WHEN I FINALLY SPEAK UP AND SAY….THERE AINT NO MORE…THAT ACTUALLY MEANS…THERE WASNT ANYMORE ….TEN MONTHS AGO…..WHEN I FINALLY SPEAK UP AND SAY…..”NOW …I LITERALLY CAN NOT KEEP UP ANY LONGER ….THAT MEANS, …..I’VE BEEN JUGGLING ALL THIS MULTI TASKING FOR A LONG TIME…AND NOW…I REALLY CAN NOT KEEP ANY LONGER, AND WELL….YOU WOULDVE LOST TRACK OF SHIT…WAY BACK THERE….A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
For example this issue about the cancellations and the deposits….i dont say word for a long long time, and it does take me a whole lot FINALLY come to the point of getting quite upset about things and actually saying something AND doing something about it….i let ALOT A WHOLE LOT SLIDE BY FOR A VERY LONG TIME….BUT WHEN I FINALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH….thats when yall hear about it, so by the time in between, ITS BEEN A LONG TIME…
When You Think I’m Mad, I May Be Aggrivated, Flustered, Frustrated, Aggatated, or My Mind is “OVER Circuited” ….here is why i can NOT get mad….
I can not get mad, I HAVE PTSD, THIS MEANS WHEN I ACTUALLY DO MAD, I BLACK OUT, WHEN I BLACK OUT, I GO TO DOING THINGS LIKE I’VE DONE BEFORE…..when i went ape shit on 5 HUGE GROWN MEN, FOUR OF THEM WERE COPS, when i lost my shit after my son left!!!! I MAY BE 4 FOOT 10 INCHES, AND 115/120 POUNDS, and I can tell you, when I took on those FIVE GROWN MEN, thats not to mention all the nurses that I fought that day and wore the fuck out before they could handcuff me to the hospital bed and stick me with a fucking needle, and then they came to find out I DID NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF DOPE OR ANY KIND OF MEDICINE IN MY SYSTEM. I WAS STONED MOTHERFUCKING STRAIGHT TRYING TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF THEM. ok…..me actually getting mad is me blacking out after i start to see red and then spots in my eyes, and then i go to picking out the biggest man that has been fucking with me and go to beating him half to death because of the abuse that one big put me through. That kinda of shit like that, can put my ass little into jail, i don’t like the fact of waking up in jail and not remembering why the fuck I ended up there okayyyy…..it’s not cool…..so michelle has learned to not get mad!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE PTSD I HAVE LET OFF SOME STEAM SOME TIMES, THE PRESSURE I HAVE STAY OVER WHELMING AND SOME TIMES I CAN NOT HELP BUT LET OFF A LITTLE STEAM SO THAT I DONT GO APE SHIT!!!!
The Way I Do Things A Certain Way & Why
Well, Turns Out That Being Gifted As An Empath, Also Means Your Cursed!!!!
This has been the root is all of my all of my life. I didn’t realize this until last year in 2019, and this where just about 99% of my problems couldve been PREVENTED, had i known and REALLY UNDERSTOOD, had my family known and REEALLY UNDERSTOOD, how all of it, EVERY BIT OF IT….IT ALL COULDVE BEEN PREVENTED AND THE PAIN …THE PAIN THAT BEING AN EMPATH HAS CAUSED ME ITS UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!!!!
Being An Empath Means:
- Being An Empath I live OFF OF MY GUT:
- This means I DO NOT GO ON LOGIC, I GO ON MY GUT 24/7. MY GUT IS 99.9 % OF THE TIME CORRECT!!! I DO NOT LIVE BY LOGIC! And honestly, what you think is logical is NOT ACTUALLY LOGICAL! This also meams that I know and see things that you don’t know nor do you see.
- Being an empath means I in a way become YOU!!!!
- This means, I FEEL ALL OF YOUR STUFF, I FEEL YOUR HAPPINESS, YOUR SADNESS, YOUR NERVOUSNESS, YOUR MOODS, YOUR EVERYTHINGS…..”YOUR STUFF” , so this means if your nervous, i gonna feel that nervousness, and because of you being nervous, im gonna be nervous. I am very sensitive to what your feeling. THIS ALSO MEANS I CAN PICK UP WHEN YOU ARE LIEING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS JUST BEST IF YOUR GOING TO LIE, NOT TO SAY ANYTHING AND NOT APPROACH AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Being an empath…Im either HATED OR LOVED…there’s no inbetween!!!
- Its called the mirror effect! because as an empath i feels all your stuff, i then become THE MIRROR OF YOU, THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME….i learned this last yr, when an empath is hated its because as an empath, you are seeing things in me that i am reflecting from you, you are not liking what you see, which is you….i can’t expalin ….but this can …..
- Being an empath means…
- I FEEL NOW….AND THINK LATER…..when im feeling all of YOUR stuff i cant get through to feel MY STUFF!!! so later on when no one is around me and i can start sifting through all the bullshit and whats not bullshit, thats when things start hitting me to where it all begins to make sense to me
- Being an empath means I have to shield myself A WHOLE LOT!
- THIS MEANS I HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM PPL AND LEARN HOW TO DO THINGS TO SHIELD MYSELF AWAY FROM FEELING ALL OF YOUR STUFF, and come to figure out im a pretty damn sensitive empath…i stayed away from ppl for a whole weekend one time i GOT ONE PHONE CALL, and COULD FEEL EVERYTHING AND KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GONNA TELL ME ON THE PHONE, this is why i dont do the phone!!!
- I guess Being an empath also meant, that i never had a snowball’s chance in hell….FROM THE GET GO!!!!
Being An Outcast Taught Me To How To Have Back Bone and To Be Resourceful!
I’ve never really been accepted anywhere. I’ve always been “different” than everyone else. I’ve always been the outcast, black sheep of the family. Because I don’t believe in societies social circles and look and see things differently through my eyes. I’m not the kind of person that wants to try to “keep up with the Jones’,” Why should I? I don’t want to be like the Jones, I want to be “me”. Orginiality is what’s always caught my attention. My own family because they believe differently and see things differently and do not want to accept me for ME. instead of embracing the beauty in diversity, they walked away from it. (I also reminded my mother of her first husband, my real dad, so thats the real deal) So, I’ve never had much of a support system. That has led me to be my own support system, it has been what has gave me strength, AND my back bone!!!! And because I’ve been that “loner” and had to do things on my own and by myself with no help, I always come up with ways of being able to do things, THIS HAS MADE ME TO BE VERY RESOURCEFUL in my life.
“Can’t be weak when you’re a lone wolf”….Think About it!
So for those that have picked on me all through out my life, and NOW FUCKING WITH ME DOING THIS JOB, YOU ARE THE ONES MADE ME THIS STRONG!!! DON’T BITCH ABOUT IT NOW…..IF YOU WANTED ME TO BE WEAK, SHOULD’VE NEVER LEFT ME TO BE ALONE!!!!
Having A Direction and Organization Is How I work Best
I am a typical capricorn, even though I’m right on the cusp. What this means is I’ve ALWAYS been a VERY organized person. “Everything has a place, and there’s a place for everything”! It’s just the way it’s always been, even the way i hang my clothes in my closet, which my mother had to see for herself many years ago, she couldnt believe it lol….it’s all a certain way. Im also a “list person” and it bothers the fuck out of me and leaves me to being “out of sorts” because I cant check off things when it comes to this job, every things is ongoing.
when I say that I’m in the middle of cleaning house that it needs to get picked up. And you tell me, “oh i don’t mind a little clutter.” Hunny, it’s not even about that LOL…it’s all about the way that I am….I am a perfectionist. I HAVE NEVER ALLOWED ANYONE INTO MY HOME IF IT WASN’T CLEAN. That’s end of subject there lol….It’s NEVER happened lol
I’m a TRUE SLAVE/SUBMISSIVE…
it’s only been recently that i’ve figured out that my being an empath is why im a TRUE SLAVE….SO….
I work better when I have a direction. Hence the reason that i’m best when I under the direction of a Dom. I function better with a routine. When something or someone trys to break my routine,i start to flip out, reason being is my mind actually starts spinning, thinking of all the things that needs to get done and the timing that it will take in order to get everything in the in the time frame that I have. This is why “the right now” thang, I do NOT good with it at all.
Where I was best at…..IN THE HOME!!! IM THE ONE THAT HOLDS ALL THE GLUE TOGETHER IN THE HOUSEHOLD!!! UNDER THE DIRECTION OF MY MASTER…..JUST IS….
I HATE Having To Be Dominant ALL The Time
it’s not my nature, matter fact it thows me soooo off balance its rediculious….PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME MAKE ANY MORE THAN DECISIONS THAN WHAT I HAVE TO PLEASE ….I mean i can be Dominant like say at a job and then go home, and be in TRUE form as a slave…AND IM BALANCED …IM FINE…BUT WITH THIS JOB…THERE’S NO SEPARATION, YOU PUSH INTO HAVING TO BE DOING ALL THE TIME AND ITS SOOO DIFFICULT FOR ME TO DEAL WITH AND HANDLE…
Im Passionate …about EVERYTHING
I WORK HARD, I PLAY HARD, I CARE HARD, I LOVE HARD, I BELIEVE HARD., WHEN I FALL….I ALSO FALL HARD AS WELL….LOL
(EVERYTHING BELOW THAT RED DIVIDER IS STILL ROUGH DRAFT)
By knowing some of my reasonings of some of things that I do, and some of how my thought processes are, hopefully you can finally understand that none of anything is to be taken on a personal level.
- I am old school
- I live by the code of HONOR
- I can not stand ppl underminding my intelligence level
- I can NOT stand a liar, that underminds my intelligence!
- I can NOT stand a thief
- I have ALOT OF RESPONSIBITIES ON MY PLATES THAT I CAN NOT KEEP UP WITH AS IT IS, AND I DAMN GOOD AT MULTIASKING BUT ITS TO THE POINT OF TOO MUCH EVEN FOR ME,
- I AM HUMAN, I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN, I AM NOT A ROBOT, I NEED TO SLEEP, EAT, SHIT SHOWER AND SHAVE…OH AND TO FUCK….JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
- I ALSO HAVE MY FAULTS, MY IMPERFECTIONS, MY WRONGS, I AM HUMAN!!! I CAN NOT DO ALL OF WHAT I GOT TO BE RESPONISBLE ALL IN ONE DAY!!!!
- I have raised my kids, they are grown and gone, i do not want to deal with grown men that act like children and can not adult themselves properly, i do not have time for high maintenced men that are really children, i do not have patience for this!!!
- I am a NATURAL TRUE SLAVE/SUBMISSIVE, MORE SLAVE THAN SUBMISSIVE! Living 30 years in the BDSM lifestyle, IT IS THE ONLY THING I KNOW! I HATE HAVING TO BE DOMINANT ALL THE FREAKING TIME, I AM NOT BALANCED BECAUSE OF HAVING TO BE DOMINANT ALL THE TIME!!! I hate to make decisions, please do not expect me to make any decisions for you. WHEN YOU APPROACH ME, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WANT YOUR APPT FOR AND HOW LONG YOU WANT IT FOR. Do not expect me to know how to schedule your lives!! i don’t live them!!
- i can NOT stand having to repeat to ppl who choose to half ass pay attention, repeating myself, is a waste of time and energy that i do not have neither of to waste
- I do NOT do anything half assed
- I can NOT stand incompetence and laziness and have zero tolerance for stupidity
- The ONLY games that I like to play has to do with sex, i do not bullshit and drama games! I don’t have time for the drama and the bullshit
- HAVE THE COMMON COURTESY TO AT LEAST ACKNOWLEGE ME, let me know if not interested anymore etc, i dont care, JUST DON’T GHOST ON ME, I AM WAITING FOR YOU ANSWERS, SO THAT I CAN ANSWER AND SCHEDULE OTHERS AROUND YOUR SCHEDULE AS WELL…..SO OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAITING ON ME AND IM WAITING FOR YOUR ANSWERS.
- Just do not just don’t try to use any cop outs, excuses, and bull shit ass crutches just so you don’t have to be held accountable for your actions and behaviours…in other words, DO NOT TELL ME YOU ARE A NEWBIE AND SAY SORRY FOR TALKING SEX AND MONEY….WE ARE ALL KNOW SEX AND MONEY IS ILLEGAL RIGHT??????!!!! YOU BEING NEW DOESNT GIVE YOU LEEWAY OR AN EXCUSE TO TALK MONEY AND SEX!!!! AND YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO FREAKIN READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s The Reason For These Details:
Just because you take what I say and think that I am mad and pissed off, just because i may be in the middle of 20 different things at once and I’m trying to answer EVERYONE AT ONE TIME, and i come a little “strong” to you, I AM NOT MAD!!!!
Just because i am clearly making my points to you, I AM NOT MAD AT YOU!!!
I CAN NOT GET MAD, Let me show the differences in mad ok……what you THINK is me being mad, is probably nine times out of ten one of these: FRUSTRATION, IRRIATATION, THE ERUPTING VOLCANO EFFECT FROM BEING AN EMPATH, OR JUST SIMPLY LETTING OFF STEAM.
But that does NOT mean that I’m mad…..Also being an empath, my body is naturally going to reject when my body can not handle anymore of any other person’s “stuff”, it’s not mine to keep, so my body is naturally going to reject it, i have learned that i can start to feel it when it starts to happen, but i have not learned yet to recongnize it and more have time before this happens than i do now, it kinda feels like a sleeping volcano is like its about to wake up after 100 years of sleeping and i can feel erupting in the pit of my gut, when i say things like …..I NEED TO GO NOW….Dont question it, im trying to leave away from people so that it do what it needs to do to get out of my system ..and for me to calm from it ….and come back to you calmly….but noooo most of you wont listen, then i erupt of you its not “on you or even about you” but you let me walk away so my body can do what it needs to do to reject what is NOT mine to keep!!!
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