MY Healing Road-Trying To Survive Life After My Son

Too Many Chiefs and Not Enough Indians

Ya know it’s really exhausting to TRY your damnedest to please everyone, that quite simply is NOT possible. Especially when every person you come into contact with expects you to be something else. Doesn’t like this, doesnt like that, your expected to act this way, then that way, some people are too damn nosey about other peoples lives, and tend to forget their “place/role” in this life, wanting to know your every bit of your business, then when it give it to them, someone else gonna say “your too open and honest, good luck with this ‘stuff'” one person likes a woman thats strong, while another wants a woman thats weak…or acts that she’s weak….

I may be “mouthy” but one thing is for certain, you will ALWAYS get no less than the truth from me truth has no prejudiced it never braver’s and it never changes the truth is the truth whether we like to see it or not. Truth is what I dealt with about my son trying to kill me. Caused me so much PTSD that I was nothing but literally pretty much a blob of skin. I had to relearn how to speak I had to relearn how to eat I had to relearn how to dress I had to relearn life. I did not know how to socialize any longer. The mere sight people Would send me into a frenzy that you would not believe. Needless to say since sex work. I did not only have been able to conquer these things that I have problems with before but I’ve far surpassed and exceeded way beyond what I ever thought and dreamed.

To even think that I am doing this kind of computer work on my own it’s literally a miracle in it’s self. For the world to treat me as I’ve been treated never knowing this part about me. For the small handicaps that I do still have like my teeth are not being able to filter Through my feelings any longer therefore my mouth is is whey undeniably very harmful for me but you also not have a clue what I have accomplished thus far from doing sex work. But you see since others want to pass judgment on my small faults instead of the great accomplishments

That I have been able to conquer. Sex work has been there for been my Hope in life as far as my death in life because just as my son tried to kill me and killed my soul leaving me alive sex work has done the same. Because of the judgments that have been passed

I’m sorry for not being able to keep my mouth quiet a lot I can no longer help that. I do try my best. But I guess my best just is never good enough I don’t know why this is coming out now but it is and I’m letting it flow out because apparently it’s supposed to be So that is my truth so if anybody else wants to pass judgment about my mouth and my teeth are how I speak or how I may stutter you can go fuck your own selves I don’t care. what would you have done to a person that has accomplished so much and the last 2 and 1/2 years You have no idea how little you are in this world for doing that. Thank you. For listening to my testimony even though I don’t know why it came up like this

The 4 Yr Anniversay Date

ive been trying to write about this cuz it seems like it’s starting to come out anyways, being that it just came out on Twitter the other day, without my realizing what had happeneded cuz i had only spoken about this once before on Tumblr. I had started that blog the other day when i just went blurting it out, I guess i got triggered when i saw a provider saying something about how ppl dont like others being “mouthy.” well my “mouthyness” i can no longer help…i no longer have a filter, i cant hold things inside of me like i used to be able to, which led me to blowing up…now, it comes out and i just go on

….5 Huge Men, 4 Being Cops, 5 or 6 Nurses, A Shot In The Ass & Being Cuffed To The Hospital Bed Later…..

, cuz i know…..cuz i knoww….what i did when i fought 4 huge grown men that were cops that day, and another huge man, at less than 95 pounds soaking wet that day, I KNOW how i fought AND WORE out FIVE GROWN MEN, four of them cops…..i KNOWWWW how i wore them out, and all the nurses and how they had to fight me down and how i wouldnt go down till they got my ass in the hospital, cuffed me to the bed and held me down to put a shot in my ass to knock me the fuck out….wondering what the fuck was i on. when i was clean as a whistle. i KNOW WHAT I CAN DO IF I WAS TO LOSE CONTROL AGAIN…AND ALL THE PAIN ALL THE HURT, ALL THE OMG….JUST ALL THE …ALL OF IT!!! well no not exactly, i don’t really know…THAT SCARES me, that i dont know my own strength, not when all this pain was coming out, i had no clue…and if i could do what i did just a few years ago, if someone was to go to hurt me again…with the abuse ive been dealing with all my life especially since being a sex worker herre in san antonio, id kill them, simply said, i wouldnt be able to help it, at all….i have to keep myself in check, cuz these mfers just dont know….just dont know….what i can be capable of…hell i dont even know..the full extent of what i could do…and THAT SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF ME…i try myself in check, this IS WHY I DONT GET ANGRY OFTEN, i blow steam off, i walk away…and im fine…

I Can’t Recall Much From That Day, But Here’s What I Can Recall

It took 6 months…six long tormenting months, of strictly being all alone, going through things that i it’s horrible..ill explain later…no food, just …well anyways…it was March, I found a church that gave meals, so I went, really first time I had been people besides going to get tobacco to roll cigerettes with. Cuz up north, in PA, most roll their cigerettes. So, I walked to the church, it was snowing, so my coat and snowboots. i couldn’t eat much, stomach had shrunk, I guess one of the ladies brought to show where the clothes were, i had nothing, had been robbed twice in one night, when i broke my arm, matter of fact,i walked home in the snow with shorts and tank top the night i can robbed, i got in, went to walk back out, as i was grabbing door knob, it wa being opened for me, the fucker came back A THIRD TIME TO ROB ME, …smh…well anyways…i guess i didnt take the hint I dont know, i guess they werre to get me out of the door…all i can remember is …is this huge man grabbing my right arm, it hurt, it hurt bad, after that, most of everythiing is nothing but a blur…

then all of a sudden, it’s like my eyes fucking were doing tricks on me or something cuz all of a sudden out of nowhere, there were 4 MORE MEN THAT APPEARED, they were the cops, i dont have no clue…the next thing i know, that man and a cop grabbed each arm…..i wasnt having that fucking shit, they were hurting the fuck out of me, i think started screaming at them i was trying to tell them they were hurting me…that i know i wasnt a 100 pounds anymore…sooo…they wouldnt let go…welllll…

all i can say is that i went to literally flip backwards to get out of their grip…all i know is all of sudden i was upside down, looking at the cop, and missed his nose by about less than an inch hitting him with my boot by fipping over…

i dont know what happened after that,….i do remember, they tried to put me in the backseat of that motherfucking car, i can tell you my ass wasn’t having that fucking shit, not none, ….and fucking told them so!! “no fuck you no fuck you unfuck you go fuck off,”… then someone one was sitting on me!!!

Something You Will NEVER Hear Me Joke About Ever Again!

ya know i’d always joke around about trying to find some gypsy to take his ass that id pay gypsy to take him, well would never work lol…and during my times of need of QUIET time…I would always joke about “having a nice white jacket with shiny buckles and a nice white padded room”

Welp, I can tell you, it wasn’t motherfucking padded!!! And i guess that pissed me the fuck off, not only was it NOT padded, the walls were concrete…and had some ugly ass fucking murieal on it, but that’s not what made me flip out again, after being sat on for the most part i think it told to me later, i had been supervised on the way to the hosital in the while in the back seat. i can’t tell you i dont remember. ….it was when they shut the door, that did it….im claustrophobic…i flipped shit…and HARD….i guess i fipped out so fucking hard, i dont know if i blacked out or if i just cant remember cuz….umm…my memory i just…i dont know…i just dont have memory much about it….i just …its not there anymore i cant remember….i know before i flipped my shit i remember seeing 2 of the cops taking towels to wipe the sweat of them. and it snowing out.

i dont remember how i ended up in the hospital, all i remember is my flipping out, the next thing was having 2 cops standing over me and then being handcuffed to the hospital bed, and still fighting…took i thik three nurses holding my legs down and trying to flip my ass over enough to put a shot in my ass to knock me out….thats that story..that part anyways…ill explain all the hallicuations and everything that i had dealt with for 6 mths all alone in that apt …ill get to that soon, right now, i just…ummm i cant yea that was very very horrific for me. so anyways….

Let’s Make It Real For You

Yes, it’s just unconceiveable that this is even true, but I’m gonna make it real for you. It’s one thing to hear a story from just me but to see a conversation between two people. It’s different, this is a coversation with whom has been my Mentor, Whom I do call Master, He had mentored me i think it was over 13 years. I will always call Him Master. Because of this. I wonder, can you imagine yourself having this kind of conversation…with anyone about your child???

Hmmm, looking at those, reading them…hmmm wow! thats when I couldn’t feel emotion…now look at me, what emotion has done to me…smh..i had put these up on on Tumblr, Here’s the screenshots of that Post that included the above

Facebook Memories…& Twitter

now let me put things in better prespective for those of you on twitter, that just ….i dont know…on this day…lets refreshen your memories about what people did on twitter, what i went through on this day…being a day that takes me back to things horrific i cant think of them still…to talk about it …but no one listened no cared, just all a joke…welll here….

…..Annnd Thennnn….

….and ummmm yea…. this is where i have to stop right now…what twitter has done to me…smh i cant ….i feel liek crawling into a dirt hole a corner , i feel ummm so weak from being beat up by twitter, im cant do anything of this now…its 6:16 am 9-2

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