MY Road To Recovery

From the front page I said this was my journey right well it is it’s my journey no one else’s no one else has permission to really comment on it to negotiate it to argue it to do any fucking thing about it to give me permission to go on my journey no one has permission to give me permission to speak about my journey it’s my mother fucking journey and it’s my journey all alone The kicker about it is is that this journey others have pushed me on pushing me off my original journey that I’m actually supposed to be on by the others persuasions and suggestions and forcings in different things of this nature I am actually not on my true journey really come to think about it

My writings

They are for me and me alone. Because of the complex PTSD I already had because of the abuse I already had in my life let me you know put that in caps and everything already had… in order for me to see the patterns of what’s going on in my life to what has been happening in my life I write them down I screenshot them now because things have been happening so fucking much at all at one time being bombed all the time now that I know what that is and can identify with it and I can put a name to it I have been bombed excessively over the past 3 years now I can at least say that much.

whether my writings are finished or not because there’s so much that is not finished that I really want to be able to get out there to the people that really need this information but I can’t for one reason or another most of the time it’s I can’t deal with it I have to stop it it affects me not bad to talk about it I keep trying though and I keep trying though and I keep trying and I’m going to continue trying because I know from my situation about my child my son who tried to kill me or wanted to kill me I know from that situation when I started talking about it on Twitter and and especially on Tumblr when I got here 3 years ago I wasn’t able to speak his name I wasn’t able to think his name now I can say what I’m saying so nonchalantly it’s like it’s just another thing so I know this helps I know it helps I know it does it’s helped with my son and even though I will always have that pain in me as a mother I will always love him even though I’m I fear him from a child and I don’t know what he would do as an adult because he’s done so well I don’t think well knowing that he might be coming here to do boot camp I’m would like to meet him in a public situation I would not let him come to my home for fair but I’ve gotten to the point where I would meet him in a public situation to see him again because it is that normal that back and forth love mom hurt hate from the hurt situation I’m in so I know that writing helps.

so this means I don’t care how many times I have to write it in rewrite it and rewrite it I don’t care I’m going to do it because it does help

When I just little while ago I had just took all everything that was in my trash in the website and I republished it I will I restored everything let’s put it that way whatever was published got republished whatever was in the drafts was put back in the drafts The reason for this

STEP TWO OF MY RECOVERY

I WILL NO LONGER BE ASHAMED OF WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH I REFUSE I’M TAKING MY POWER BACK I WILL NO LONGER BE ASHAMED OF WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH AGAIN I WILL NO LONGER BE ASHAMED OF WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH

 THAT WAS FOR ME

BECAUSE MOST OF THE CLIENTS THAT COME INTO THIS COMMUNITY ARE A NARCISSIST OR PEOPLE WHO DISLIKE WHAT WE DO DEVALUE US FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU’RE THE ONES WHO CAUSED ME TO BE IN THIS SITUATION I DID NOT PLAN THIS SITUATION BY PEOPLE WHO DECIDED TO BE ENTITLED ENOUGH TO STEAL EVERYTHING AND ME BEING ON DISABILITY I HAVE NO CHOICE NOW DO I

SO WHEN YOU TELL ME I HAD A CHOICE NO YOU MADE MY CHOICE FOR ME

I DID NOT GET THE CHANCE TO CHOOSE YOU CHOSE EVERYTHING FOR ME BY STEALING BY EVERYTHING THAT’S GOING ON IN MY LIFE IN THE LAST 3 YEARS OTHERS HAVE FORCED CHOICES ON TO ME THAT I’M REALIZING

I have been made to feel ashamed of my abuse because clients tend to punish me because they say my writings are too negative or like for example last year I had this throne in my face do

THE BITCHY WIFE EXPERIENCE VERSUS THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE

THAT I WILL FUCKING NEVER FORGET NOT FUCKING EVER WILL I FORGET THAT

I WANT TO KNOW WHY I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN HOUSTON BECAUSE HE ABANDONED ME HE BLAMED ME FOR WHAT WAS GOING ON THAT WAS OUT OF MY CONTROL I HAVE NOT BEEN IN CONTROL OF NONE OF THIS THIS IS NOT MY FAULT AND YET I HAVE BEEN MADE TO BE AT FAULT BY ALL OF YOU YOU HAVE

BY MAKING ME AT FAULT YOU HAVE ISOLATED ME YOU HAVE IGNORED ME YOU HAVE BY IGNORING ME AND ISOLATING ME YOU HAVE TAKEN THE RESOURCES AWAY FROM ME THAT I NEEDED YOU HAVE EXPECTED ME TO DO THINGS THAT WAS BEYOND MY PHYSICAL MENTAL EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL MEANS AND YOU TOOK THE BEANS THAT I NEEDED TO DO SO AWAY FROM ME THEREFORE LEAVING ME DESPERATE JUST IN DESPAIR TOTALLY WANTING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I AT THAT POINT IS NOT I’M NOT WORTHLESS I’M NOT WORTH ANYTHING I’M WORTHLESS THIS IS BRAINWASHING VERY MUCH SO

THE LAST SMART ASS COME IN I GOT ON REDDIT WHEN I BROUGHT UP THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

GIVE ME A BREAK YEAH THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING GOT GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK

I’LL BE GODDAMN NO FUCK NO YOU DON’T GET A GODDAMN BREAK NO YOU WON’T I WON’T GIVE YOU THE FUCKING BREAK YOU KNOW WHY

YOU FUCKING NEVER GIVE ME A BREAK

A MONTH AGO I GOT IN MY EMAIL IT WAS TITLED JUST WILLING TO CHAT

NO HE WAS JUST WILLING TO TELL ME ABOUT MYSELF THAT’S ALL

THE VERY BEGINNING OF HIS MESSAGE HELLO NOT SENDING THIS TO WHAT TO TRY TO WASTE YOUR TIME BUT YOUR SITE DID SAY FEEL FREE TO CONTACT YOU AND I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY NOTE

TYPE IN THIS OUT IS A LITTLE TERRIFYING BECAUSE AS OF YOUR SITE LATELY

I’M GOING TO REITERATE THAT A LITTLE TERRIFYING HMMMM

BECAUSE I DO SEEM TO BE ON THE DEFENSIVE SIDE DEALING WITH OTHER PEOPLE THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE AND I DON’T WANT TO COME ACROSS AS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

APPARENTLY NO YOU FUCKING DIDN’T UNDERSTAND IT AND YET YOU DID

HE’S VERY CONTRADICTORY IN HIS FIRST FUCKING EMAIL HE GOES ON TO SAY

I’M NOT SENDING THIS AS A CLIENT OR CUSTOMER OR VISITOR AS I’VE SEEN YOU USE ON YOUR SITE HOWEVER I AM WILLING TO LOOK INTO THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING ONE

NO YOU WERE NOT YOU WERE DANGLING AND CARROT IN FRONT OF MY FACE WHICH NARCISSISTS DO

ALSO THAT WAS GIVEN ME HOPE WHEN THERE WAS NONE AGAIN GIVING ME HOPE MY HOPES GETTING UP AND ONE MORE TIME BEING LET DOWN AND ONE MORE TIME FEELING LIKE IT’S MY FAULT THAT THIS DID NOT COME TO BE THAT HE DID NOT COME TO BE MY CUSTOMER

HE GOES ON TO SAY I’M 27 BY THE WAY STILL A BABY HOLD ON I GOT HOLD ON I GOT TO POINT THAT OUT THOUGH JUST THOUGHT IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANYONE TO KNEW TO OFFLOAD ON I’D OFFER AN EAR OR AN EMAIL AS IT IS

AGAIN CONTRADICTORY BECAUSE AGAIN WHEN I SPOKE I WAS TOLD I WAS WRONG BUT YET HE WAS 27 IN ADMITS HE’S A BABY BUT STILL HE KNOWS BETTER THAN A 48-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GOING THROUGH ALL THIS HE KNOWS BETTER WHEN HE’S OVER THERE AND A STRANGER AND I’M OVER HERE DEALING WITH IT 24/7 FOR THREE YEARS HOW MANY DAYS IS THAT LET’S FIND OUT

So add this up would you I figure it out excuse me 12 * 3 is 36 add 6 more months to do that That’s 42

SO FOR 42 STRAIGHT MONTHS 24/7 NON-STOP I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH ABUSE NOW IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GO BACK I GOT HERE JANUARY 29TH 3 YEARS AGO SO YEAH THAT’S NOT RIGHT I THINK I GOT HERE IN 2017 YEAH, AND OF COURSE I’M THINKING WHILE I’M SPEAKING THIS OUT

So for 42 months I have been dealing with this I’m 48 now closer to 49 and this little child that is younger than my oldest son who just made 32 is going to tell me about myself and what I’ve gone through that is pretty fucking impressive for him to know this much I wish I knew this much at his age.

Here it is I’m not trying to play one of those nice guy roles…yes the the fuck you were.

Stop contradicting yourself

your last post on your site was a month ago it would be nice to hear if you were fine after all the dread that has been posted

No you were fishing for fucking information when I’m quiet people begin to wonder what the fuck is going on with me

Hmm I wonder why is it maybe because if I don’t say anything and I actually have peace and quiet that I may have started to figure out what the fuck was going on and what everybody was doing to me maybe I wonder

The dread on my site well it ain’t my fault you do the dread I just write my experiences if it wasn’t my experience I wouldn’t be writing about it and I would I if I was being able to get out and somebody pick me up and just take me for a ride on a Sunday ride just to ride around and get out of the house for about an hour or two it would help matters I would write about that instead but no I mm

Oh no we can’t take her out in public we’re embarrassed about her she’s no good we can we don’t even want to go see her at her house no more she’s no good she’s worthless so all I have to write about is THIS DREAD.

IF YOU’RE TOO BUSY HOWEVER I CAN UNDERSTAND AND WE’LL JUST WAIT UNTIL I FILL OUT THE SCREENING AND CONTACT FORMS MEETING PERSON

OH YOU HAD NO FUCKING INTENTIONS TO

AGAIN giving me false hope

I don’t I don’t feel like I would become a full on regular might need a good income for that but it wouldn’t hurt making a friend before that

You’re no friend You’re an enemy You’re a monster You’re fishing French information You’re a narcissist you are contradictoring yourself you know friend Friends don’t act like that

Again just wanting to see how you’re holding up promise not to make this a regular thing and be distracting unless you are up for it just a young guy who finds a young woman exciting after all

No again you were fishing for information you don’t find the exciting because if you did you would have came in to see me

You can respond to me as Ronnie if you apply

this is just like what I was told 3 years ago you can call me Mr Tristan and I’ll go no further than that

still not wanting to be a bother and still terrified of invoking some of this wrath seen on your site I’m sure it’s fine you look like a very nice woman but strangers be strangers both ways

no let me explain this and let me make this fucking clear to you none of you are strangers in your eyes all of you are entitled to my life in your eyes

In my eyes you are all monsters and you are all threats to me because you have done enough damage to last four lifetimes to me

this person continues throughout the conversations that we had to tell me that the place that I have is to expensive and that the use furniture in the furnished apartment that I lived in that I live in he gets everything brand new well do you know what by telling me there was something better and cheaper for me I’m glad you know my situation I’m glad you think that I’m too dumb enough that I haven’t tried any other situation I’m glad you know the business to where you know that what side of town the customers like to be in most

Now Here is the reason why I brought this up because I get this all the time it’s very condescending it’s very invalidating me it’s telling me I’m not good enough to do this on my own and this is what I get all the time doesn’t matter the name of the person it doesn’t matter who it really is it doesn’t matter anything what really matters is that this is an all the time basis The name’s don’t even matter anymore it really doesn’t because it’s come down to

Now here’s where I’m going to tell you where the names do matter

Because the patterns in the name s are all anagrams they say something

They tell something they mean something this is where it’s going to be hard for me to keep anonymity because the anagrams and the names have been used in the meanings behind them they have to be brought up this is where I’m having problems with some issues some terminal I’m having insight about this because I’ve given my word but here’s the thing nobody has thought about my well-being at all nothing no more no one has thought about my well-being not whatsoever I continually spend money on your well-being I continually think about your well-being You’re all of your weldings but in order for me to heal in order for me to look at things in order for me to see things I have to write them down so guess what it’s not going to be done out of my list it’s going to be done strictly for me I will not put any emails attached to any names or anything like that but names will be brought up it’s not my fault you did this to me it’s been out of my control I cannot control anybody else’s shit they put on me I am trying to heal if you don’t like it kiss my mother fucking nasty ass which I just got out of the shower so it’s clean but that was just a point.

If you don’t like what I have to say it ain’t fucking about you it’s all about my healing right now it always has been about what I’m going through but here’s the thing

YOU ALL HAVE MADE ME PAY FOR WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO ME LET ME REPEAT THAT AGAIN

YOU HAVE ABUSED ME CONTINUALLY

TURNED AROUND AND FAULTED ME FOR THE ABUSE YOU PUT ON ME

AND PUNISHED ME FOR THE ABUSE THAT YOU WERE DOING TO ME

YOU WERE TELLING ME I HAD CONTROL OVER YOUR ACTIONS OF ABUSING ME

YOU WERE MAKING ME FEEL SHAME FOR YOUR ABUSE THAT YOU WERE PUTTING ON ME

YOU WERE FORCING MY LIFE INTO A WHOLE SITUATION IN DIRECTION THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED ALL OF YOU THAT HAS DONE THIS OR HAD ANY PLAY PART INTO THIS SITUATION BOTH OF THE MEN THAT I WAS DATING PERSONALLY THE MARRIED MAN IN THE BLACK MAN IS WHAT I NICKNAME THEM NO ONE KNOWS THEIR NAMES SO TO SPEAK.

SO I’M WARNING YOU I’M LETTING YOU KNOW I’M GIVING YOU A HEADS UP

HERE’S THE FUNNY FUCKING THING THE BLACK MAN THAT I WAS DATING I ONLY DID WHAT HE TOLD ME TO DO TAKE SOME TIME AWAY HIS INTENTIONS WAS TO ISOLATE ME MORE MY INTENTIONS WERE TO HEAL MY

The kicker of it all is is when I started to take time away I started finding out about all of this mess here’s the kicker of it

I started finding out all about his fucking mess That’s been doing to me for 3 years he busted his own self like I told him before I give enough rope for you men to hang yourselves and he did just like all of you do That’s the fucking kicker of it all

and is the reason why I never got peace and quiet because y’all never wanted me to really find out what was going on with me and I guess not I I would imagine not I wouldn’t want anybody to know that I was doing this to a person also if I was you but I’m not you thank God so this is the whole basis so

If my blogs are not finished either a I can’t continue b I don’t have the time to because something else has to go on I have to go on to the next thing see I don’t need it anymore I’ve done what I needed to do on that part I do intend on one day when I’m allowed to to go back and finish all these blogs so others can get help like I always fully intent on doing okay I’m done for this one

PS I save this again in the bathroom I look at this I noticed on the floor there is toilet paper some pieces I toilet paper I know I did not go to the bathroom before I took my shower I just got out of the shower when I started speaking this out typing it up so to speak The continual coming into my home making me feel loss of control and still instilling fear in me and not being able to stop it yeah this is fucking got to stop I’ll be God damn I’m done with this shit I’m fucking done with it you were continually showing me I don’t have control over none of my life by doing this it doesn’t scare me anymore it pisses me the living fuck off entitled son of a bitches

6:13 6:57 p.m.

im decided im going to republish ALLLLLLL OF MY WRITINGS….BECAUSE THRU MY WRITINGS YOU CAN SEE HOW MUCH I BEG ALL OF YOU TO STOP ABUSING ME YOU CAN THE DIFFERENT WAYS I SAID THINGS ALL OF WHICH YOU HAVE CHOOSEN TO HAVE “SELECTIVE MALE HEARING SYNDROME’ AND IGNORED ME !!! IT SHOWS THE PATTERNS THAT I NEED TO BE SEEING AT THE MOMENT

THIS HAS BEEN A MILESTONE FOR ME, NOT BEING ASHAMED OF THE ABUSE IVE GONE THROUGH….MY GOAL…

IS TO BE ABLE TO FINALLY SAY IM NO LONGER AFRAID OF MY ATTACKERS, ALL OF THEM, EVERY ONE OF THE FACELESS, NAMELESS ATTACKERS, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY “I NO LONGER FEAR ALL OF THE NAMELESS FACELESS ATTACKERS THAT HAVE ABUSED ME, NONE OF THEM CAN HURT ME ANY LONGER CUZ I NO LONGER FEAR THEM”

THAT IS MY GOAL AND IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!!!

I GET CHILLS WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, THAT TAT IM GONNA GET, ITS GONNA BE ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY RIGHT THIGH SO I CAN SEE EVERYDAY

“BY MY STRENGTH …I ROSE” ON THE TOP….THATS FUCKING POWERFUL BITCHES LOL


“BY MENS WEAKNESS I FELL” ON THE BOTTOM

AGAIN I WILL SAY ” IF YOU WANTED ME TO BE WEAK YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT ME TO BE ALL ALONE”

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