Today hurt more than any one person can realize. The realizations that keep coming to me is way more than I can bear right now. My gut hurts from all the pain thats surfacing that i’ve stuffed down over time. Over the course of the last few years. It’s so hard to make my fingers type. To wirte, so that i can get all this out of me. Cause I know I have to. I’m glad that i know the keys like i do cuz im just laying my head on the pillow just crying whiole typing.
today, on twitter, …to be disgraced on there time and time and time again, like its about every two weeks cycle now. used to be about every couple, now…its so often thats its just a total fuck to everyone….welll maybe everyone but me….its such a total joke for eveyrone to just have hand in destroying to take eveything and disecrte all of it…everything i looked around, and i dont feel safe anywhere. I mean twitter sooo big…the whole wide world. So vast, that i dont want to even show my face. I feel so dirty, violated, cofused, beat down. lost i feel very lost. so lost. how can ppl just spew this kind of hatred onto others wiith no consious or remorese….or regard to another humans life its so astounding to me…i m so embarrassed and disgraced, that i dont want to be around no body, i dont want to talk to no one…and i mean im so of the afraid of the public…i dont know anyone such a big sea of faceless ppl to me…and im just one person…you have seemn me disggraced. or are you one of the ones that have disgraced me. i dont know who would be who so any one person or persons can be mockery me in my face.
no one coudl know waht it feels like no one this is humlilating that my life can be made a total koke this that i just dont wanna be here no more. its so isolating so alone. that i just dont have or feel any safe placeno comfort no one to trust to feel like i canlet go of my fears of people thwherrer i just simply be held and know i wobnt get hurt no more. cuz this contined has devat=sted me in ways that i cant possibly try to describe . i mean i cant look anyone in the face. im so fucing embarrassed. to be mocked like i was i cant go like thiat i cant
ive cried since last night or actually yesterday while ive been doing the budget. i swear i knew i waws pretty in my head with all the figures…but when i started seeing everything in blck and white its starte hitting me really really hard and then my whole fucking just started vibrating adnd shaking with the realization of just whats happened omg that a whole lot of debt that ive never been in….all for nothing. the public just takes everything from me anyways.and have been since my tumblr. so its a pain that is nothing new
so tonight curled up in a ball on my couch laying down just quiet and just crying i guess i started drifting off one more time crying myself to sleep…when i do sleep…i found myself to drift they driftend to wheere i had felt safe befoer. the married mans arms. its where i was comfortable. i wasnt getting hurt there.i could just relax and let him hold me. and i dont know my thoughtsseemed to shift to the now…its like i was in twilght sleep or something i cant remeber consiounly thinking that i wanted him to hold me when he got in town…i guess i layed my head baxck down again….then i drifted…then i drifted farther, i found my safe place and i could breathe out just let go.
my safe place, i guess i was never consiouss that i wasdoing that.. that place being held where i could trust id be ok. that place in my head that absolutely no can touch, no one can disecte or damage and destroy… no one can take that place away from me. that one place where i could drift off to and remember what it felt like to be relaxed and just lay my head on him and and jsut dift off to into a relaxing sleep…….until …..
until i felt a jolt…it hit me and hurt so bad i literally just jolted up…i guess i have to admit to my own self my own biggest lie to mysefl…cause that no longer exist for me. and it hasnt for a long time now. i guess i just dont have any control over my life, that really suxks i hate that part. where just everyone just seems to know exactly …well that place that was taken from me to o.
and i didnt realize that i had still been going there in my head. ya know i never once expected ya know he s married i get it…but somewehre along the line, i want allowed that either i dont know i cant figure thigns out and i wish i could. it was at that point when i realed thats why i cant let go…thats thae oly place that i have thats safe for me. but…its not …its just not but i guess the only way i can try to deal with big whole world just not ever =n taking me seriously and continued hurting me i guess thats the only way i know how to deal with it all i cant go anywhere else….and for me…from now on in my lfe being in the public eye, i mean every one in the wolfd has seen me be humilatedd and embrrassed. i will forever wonder in my mind “is taht one of them that hurt me” did they witness my embarrasement and humilation and what did think, did they laugh at me” so from now on in my lfe there will never be another safe place for me to go to neve3r i wont everything has just been made such a joke of me. that i ill never know that relaxed feeling again. i feel so shamed ….i mean to go in my dm’s and just mock when i was saying…i literally felt the spew of just god it makde me so dirty feelign.
for the public to just take everything and just …like take for example ..my talent…it seems like everybody forgot aobut the rest of me. like im not even regarded. no one touches me anymore. just get on the bed lay your arms out ..and jsut lay there…yea i get it ok…but it seems like im not imporatnt, or remembered and then everyone tells me im beautiful….when i feel horribly goross caise im not even my feelings my thoughts what i care about …even my body is rarely regarded these days ….and for ppl to tell me thaose vids were hot as fuck and to not buy anything just made me feel gross and used i dont feel special i feel so fucking just im either forgotten abotu nont even thought of as in or anthying is important ..itrs so bad i dont even know anymore ive done so much to tryi my best to make happy that i dont even i couldnt tell you what i like anymore or what i want anymore ive been told how i shld act and feel that tathahow i try to be…and immmmmmmmm jsut
i guess i just dont deserve to be having any human connection or to have an orgasm or much of anything right i ve seemded to learn jsut like ive had to do everythign else. just learn to live with everyone else way they want me to be. i just im so alone.
mighty funny i deactied twitter, and my phone started blowing again. i hate that fucking pone its now a triggwer i hate cuz its ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS SOMEBODY WANTING NO ITS ALWAYS SOMEBODYY…NEEDING FROM ME… CONTASTNATLY NEitsEDING ME …YEA NO IM NOT NEEDED PLEASE…
ya know i was told the other day “every girl has a wish list” well…i dont …that person was amzed, its so conditioned or the feeligns now that i just liek well i dont nad just shrutgged…ujntil i realezed why earlierr tonight…..ithe way that people are always needing to take something from me …in one way or another…its really funny to me to ever have the thought of someone being nice to me and just given me soemthing …thats donest ever happen. its just taking ….i mean ..im always “needed” like its a life or death situation, i mean the drastic fuciking drama from “other needing me” …yea just to use me…for the thought of someone not needing me to use me and to give back care to me…no that …thats really odd to me and funny that doewsnt happen and if im offered soething its like whatsthe motiative there always always a motiveative behind ….
i guess THE CURSE OF BEING AN EMPATH I FUCKING HATE BEING AN EMPALSOSO SO BAD ITS LIKE I FEEL LITERALY BEING TIED UP AND APOST AND JUST CONTINEU LASHING AND IT HURTS NO OEN CAN GET THAT AND UNDERTSTAND IT I HATE EING AN EMPATH I HATE IT SO MUC H. ITS SO BAD THATS ITS EVEN USED AS A GIFT ANYMORE ITS JUST USED TO TAKE FROM ME THAT MY FEELINGS AND ME JUST ME IS BURIED SOOO FUCKIGN DEEP UNDER EVERYONE ELSE “NEEDS AND IMPROTANCE” THAT I JUST FEEL LIKE TRASH I FEEL SO IEMPAHT ALLY FEELING THAT I MEAN I LITERALLY TAKE THOSE LITERALLY…LIKE WHEN I SAY I FEEL LIKE A HACKYSAK, THAT S WHAT IM ACTUALLY FEELING
ITS GOTTEN SO BAD FOR ME, THAT ITS NOT USED AS A GIFT ANYMROE …ITS LIKE IM TOLD TO TAKE A BREAK BUT WHEN I TRY EVEN WHEN I DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT TIME OFF OR WHEN I DO IT DOESNT IM SAUGHT OUT AND FOUND. AND I MEAN ITS MORE HTAN MY FEELINGS THAT HURT WHEN I SAY THAT ITS HURTS ME…BECAUSE IT LITERALLY HURTS MEEEE..ITS NOT JUST MY FEELINGS WHICH I MEAN IM SO CONDITIONED AT THIS POINT ABOUT HAVING FEELINGS …THAT ALL I REALLY FEEL PHYICAL PAIN THAT I JUST CANT SEM TO MAKE PPL UNDERRSTAND IT LITERALLY HURTS ME ONLY AN EMPAHT WOULD UNDERSTNAED AND REMEMBER CZUSE THEY FEEL THAT KIND OF WAY ALSO. BUT OFCOURSE ITS OLY WHEN PPL WANT SOEMTHING FROM ME THAT IM EVEN THOUGHT ABUT NO ONE THINKS ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE JUST WHAT I CAN DO FOR THEM. AND EVERYONE WONDERS WHY TS “DRASITCI SOUNDING I GUESS WHEN IM UPSET, THAT THATS HAS LITERALLY BEEN MADE TO BE A JOKE ALSO…ITS DRASTC SOUNDING TO A NON EMPAHT…ITS DRASTC SOUNDING CAUSE IM LITERALLY VERY PHYCIALLY FEELIGN EVERYONE S BULSHIT THAT HURTS AND IT IT GETS LOUND IN MY EARS AND PAIN FULL PHYCALLY. THAT I JUST WANNA LEAVE T HIS EARTH SO I DONT FEEL SO MUCH OF Y=EVERYONES FUCKED OFF PAIN EVILS AND WORRYS AND ALL OF YALL STRESSED WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH STRESS MYSELF .BUT I DONT GET TO HAVE THAT FOR MEEEE,,ITS NOT ALLOWED BECAUSE ITS NOT DOING YOU ANY GOOD IF ITS ANYTING FOR ME.. NOW IS IT??
FOR ANY ONE PERSON TO TELL AN EMPATH TO “NOT HAVE EMOTION” IS ABSOLUTELY ASKING THE ULTIMATE IMPOSSIBLE AND EXPECTATING THAT IMPOSSIBLE TO HAPPEN TO BE TOLD NOT TO HAVE EMOTION AND TRY NOT TO HAVE OR SHOW ANY I THINK ITS THE WORST FOR ME, I CANT POSSILY DO THAT WITH SO MANY PPL THAT IM FELEING ALL THE TIME ..I THINK THATS WHY I CRIED…DURING…I THINK NOW I KNOW WHY…SEE THATS WHY IT COMES TO ME LATER, CAUSE “I” AM ALWAYS DROWNED OUT BY EVERYONE ELSE, THATS IT ONLY LATER ON THAT I GET TO START FEELING ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME AND WHAT IM FELING.
yea i guess it just doenst matter if it literally takes me 4 to 6 hours to stop shivering and vibrating for all of your shit and stuff in order for me to be able to just simply feel anythhign to do with me huh….ivew gone over all of this with most of you and im not regarded enough for you to rememberr to at least to try TRY PLEASE TRY TO TAKE THIS INTO CONSIDERATION RIGHT YOU JUST NEED TO HIT ME UP AT 4 AM WHEN IM FINALLY STOP FOEELING EVERYONE ELSE, IT JUST THE THING TO DO, MAKE SURE I DONT FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT ME..SO YOU CAN TAKE ORE ENERGY FROM ME…IM SO TIRED OF THE VAMPIRES GAWD
BUT IM STORNG RIGHT , IM THE STRONGEST YOU KOW RIGHT….NOOOOO NOOO NOOO IM JUST AN AMPTHAT THAS ALLAND ITS SO EXHAUSITING ASND JUST TIRESOME IM STIRED FROM IT
heres the kicker, i usially vibrate and justt shiver for so long, that by the time my body is just starteing to finally chill out….soone just has to fucke with me 3 o4r 4 am, its like yall can sense that my body is not vibrating from yyour shit anymore and just makes sure that im not esed and at peace. that yu made sure im always fbibating from your energies trht you make sure to get in touch with regards at that oint …and no one will get that !!!!!!!!!
i tell everyone to email me…whyyyy cauase im trying to shield myself from all yoru lshit that im actually but of course it doesnt do anything for youuuuuu the takers from an empath now does it??? no you cant have that, cant have me usign any shiedling yoru energies away from me now can you my god…such selfshisness when im feelign all of yoru shit and hatred and meaness got i just cant describe the meanness that i feel from ppl its so tiredsome and gross feleing
but of ocruse if its NTOT BEINEFITTING TO YOU YOU WONT LET ME HAVE ANY KIND OF PEACE ADN TIME AND JUST LET ME HAVE MY SAFE PLACE. I NEED TO BE WHER I COULD USED TO GO..BUT I DONT THINK BECAUSE I GUESS HE L..HELL I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY IT WAS TAKEN FROM ME I DONT GET IT I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I JSUT KNOW THAT WHAT ITS BEN ITS NOT BEEN SAFE ANMORE I WANT TO BE HIM HIS ARMS WHERE ICAN JUST ACTUALLY SLEEP WITHOUT STRESS OR FEAR JSUT SOMEOEN TO TREAT ME DECENTLY AND NOT HURT ME NO MORE I WANT MY SAFE BACK CAUSE I DONT SEE NAY OTHER WAY BESIDES JUST STOPPIGN ALL THIS STUFF I AM FEELING FROM EVERYONE ALL TOGETHE ITS SO MCUH MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS JUST GONNA POP PPL JUST DONT GET IT I SWEAR AND IM HUMILATED AND DISGRACED JUST BECASEU YOU DONT FEEL THE CURSE THAT YOUVE TURNED THIS TO MBEING FOR ME
THANKS YOU FOR THAT EVETONE I USED TO ENJOY MY GIFT NOW I WANNA DIE SO I DONT FEEL IT NO MROE I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER COME BACK TO ME BUT THAT WIL LNVER HAPPEN