October happenings Sex work and Mental health: The Struggle part1 1

Helping others, this being one of the many reasons why I love doing sex work. There are many many reasons why someone seeks out a sex worker. Whether it’s by phone, cam, or an escort. Many, just want a human connection and just want to talk Many may not believe that, but it’s true. I’ve had someone tell me that he hadnt had a hug with the exception, of his daughter in six months. I’ve had quiet a few through divorces that were nasty. I was the first for one young man. These are just a few things that a sex worker does to help others out. Many, are alone, are introverts, self confidence isnt very well. Many also turn to a sex worker for mental health issues. Some try to replace going to a professional with a sex worker, which I do not recommend.

But what happens when a sex worker is in need of mental health? Many of us do not know how to deal with all the pressures of sex work. It’s the kind of job like many think that it is. We take on so much. So much critisim, so much hatred. We are cast outs, shamed, disrespected, harmed, and the list can go over forever what we deal with both from our own communities and outside our community. And if a sex worker happens to be an empath like I am. It’s 10 times worse for those that are empaths.

With October the start of the holiday season, I thought that this is most approproite time to discuss this subject. First, I want to make clear of the reasons why I share everything in my blogs. My main reason is to bring awareness to the world. In all ways that I share, from me being a mother and what happened with my child and I , for other mothers that may be abused by their children, from a personal stand point, to bring awareness that we as sex workers as humans and everyday people with emotions, that we are your every day cashiers, accountants and what have you. From a sex worker’s stand point, I strive to bring awareness of the desparate need to decrimilize instead of criminalization. And for me, personally, my writitngs are for me to look back on, to work my many issues out, to help me, to help see where I’ve been, where I am now, and work out where I could be.

It’s been a year and seven months now since fosta passed into law. And every day it seems like I am adding more links to the resources page of all the new laws that have been passed that a sex worker needs to be aware of. Now there are many articles out there showing statics of the damage that fosta has done instead of help especially for us sex workers. Fosta has pushed sex workers more into the shadows.

Lets take this for example, carrying condoms….what does this prove??? It proves nothing! There is no evidence tha ONLY sex workers carry condoms JUST for sex work!!! WTF! That did nothing but harm the general public. Becauses whether or not someone is REALLY a sex worker, if you caught with condoms, “oh my god, your breaking the law” yes and I said that sarcastically as fuck!! What is wrong with people today, just because you focused in on a sex worker. This means  that a sex worker is not allowed health care??? Ok so here’s where im going with this, first NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY LOGICAL SENSE AT ALL!!! Secondly, I don’t give a flying fuck who you are, ALL HUMANS DESERVE HUMAN AND CIVIL RIGHTS, Thirdly, NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH IS GREATER THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THIS EARTH, ….NOT ONE!!! THERES NO ONE THAT JUDGE JURY AND HANGMAN, that can make these kinds of decisions ….for anyone….

Ok back to mental health, for me personally, I had pre-conditions, the complex PTSD that I have due to my son. And then what I have experienced during the last 2 ½ yrs while working as a sex worker, it has tripled my complex PTSD. And all these outbursts and everything that you see in me, well, these are symptoms, these are point blank, what has been done to me over a very long extended amount of time. You can’t expect anything or any other human being to NOT exert these things when you go through the extensive amount of abuse non-stop, mind you, that I, have personally gone through. First of all, I can’t afford health care. And secondly, I’m actually, afraid to tell anyone in the mdical field that I’m a sex worker. Because of Fosta. Any health care professional to turn us in for sex traifficking….ourselves. I mean, how am I supposed to get help for my pre-exsiting condtion of complex ptsd that has gotten worse because of all the abuse that clients and the public have done to me. This abuse will never stop because no one but us sex workers are the only one that are held accountable for the actions of others.

Not to mention now that the holidays are upon us, im not gonna be doing well at all. My sons birthday is right at thanksgiving. And I’m gonna be totally alone all through the holidays. A third year no thanksgiving or christmas dinner, A third year of just working through the holidays with nothing but continued abuse. That’s just what I want to look forward to huh?!!!

I’m gonna tell ya what, for a sex worker to do this job, it’s not about any money cause when you face what we face everyday, all day long, the dangers and the abuse and it’s just get worse and worse. It’s not about the money. It’s dedication and true love for what you do to continue to face daily the same people that are your abusers. But I will admit, this shit, all this….it’s taken the fun right out of it all. I was looking back over all my writings from a couple of years ago…there’s a huge difference in me. Used to be fun, but how it can be fun when your always looking at your abusers all the time.

It takes strength, determination, courage, and back bone of a motherfucker to stand up day in day out and look your abusers in their faces and continue to work. In other words, saying “fuck you” to them, as you get on twitter and continually say “good morning everyone” …..I keep trying. But I honestly, Im trying to go through all this content, and all these writings. It’s too fucking painful to get through it’s hard. It’s hurts so bad to go through all these hurtful and harmful things that’s been to done. I can’t get through it. And to know that there was no REAL reason besides the worlds hatred for all this abuse. It’s something that just can’t be proccessed ya know. And then on top, everyone sits and wonders why I am like I am. Omg….i swear. It’s I just cant put words to any of it. I just can’t.

Ya know when your not held accountable for these kinds of horrific things…like what ive been through, motherfuckers wont stop. The REAL trafficking WONT STOP. AND I’m gonna put this out there, for you to think really hard about. And I stated  this both on twitter and on adultlook back in feb. This clients that do these kinds of things to sex workers, well, pawns for the devils, for sex trafficking, cuz in reality, that’s free slave labor, sex trafficking the real trafficking….i’ve gotten to tired to continue on really. I don’t even know why I do continue…Maybe it’s all these responisiblities and bills I now have. Ya know yesterday when I added up all the bills for the month. The bills for work alone, this is not any kind of housing, supplies, tolietaries are anything food, nothing just the bills alone, take my whole SSI disability check, every bit of it. That’s not even advertising either. Just the bills alone that I have incurred to do this job, to give yall more, and to do this job corrctly, ya know not no half ass shit. It’s taken 771 a month,,,,just the bills, the jot form, the screening programs, the watermakering programs, just all of it, I’ve gotten to tired to continue. It’s like theres no motivation any longer. Why continue doing soemthing when all you get is abused, ran over taken advantage of, used, thrown out to the dogs, thrown in he trash, and just left.

The only thing I g uess, is when you finally meet a client that treats you right, like a human and appreciates just what your doing, like yesterday. I was given a $20 tip, not long ago I was blown away with a $90 tip….i guess it’s being a parent, kinda like you can be mad as hell, and all that baby has to do is smile, or do that one little thing that just makes you stop and crack the fuck up and take that baby in your arms, just melts ya. There’s so many bad clients out there, that when you find those few good clients. That’s what reminds ya…that’s what makes it all worth wild!!! Those few….and I mean im not here trashing to bash anyoen, cause i know the providers…they just the same. It’s hard as hell for both sides I know.

I always said that I was just too damn honorable to be in this job. And I really am. I’ve given money back to clients, saying here, services wasn’t rendered. I know his mouth dropped when I did that too lol. But it wasn’t mine ya know..not in my eyes anyways. In a world that’s so full of hate and selfishness and fake and just bullshit, being the kind of person that i am. it’s hard. Cause im not part of the mainstream of society I never have been. And I aint starting now. But it  just gets harder and harder to deal with people to be in the public. I mean if im gonna be alone, id rather hae peace and serenity while im alone and not have anyones bullshit ass drama dropped at my door for me.

 I know that I need to go get help, but not being able to afford it, and fear..fear from fosta and all fear from telling a telling a counsler that im sex worker, fear from being accussed of sex trafficking my own self and getting in trouble just all that is gonna nothing but compound ontop of all the already complied abuse ontop of top abuse on top of the abuse. I can’t seem to face it. Ya know, these just are my reabling thoughts, but these are also my REAL FEARS, MY REAL REALITY, JUST WHY DO I HAVE GO THROUGH ABUSE JUST BECAUSE IM DOING SOMEHTING THAT I ENJOY..OR HAD ENJOYED DOING THE ONLY REASON WHY I DON’T ENJOY ANY LONGER IS CAUSE OTHERS TOOK THE FUN OUT OF IT, WHY DO I HAVE FEAR AND PAY FOR HELPING OTHERS. We are all fucked up in own heads for our own reasons in one way or anther, no one is perfect. But why do people have to do what these horrible thins to othes. Im trying to “LET GO” BUT ITS CONTIUALLY DAY IN DAY OUT IN YOUR FACE AND DONE TO YOU, AND I SEE THE CYCLE I SEE IT PLAIN AS DAY, IT’S ON A 2 WEEK CYCLE NOW WITH TWITTER. THAT’S WHY I HAVENT LOGGED IN IN CLOSE TO A WEEK NOW. I’M TRYING TO BREAK THE CYCLE. BREAK THE ABUSE. IM TRYING TO FOOLWO THE STOEPS OF THAT POEM. To let go. It’s hard to do. It takes a lot of work. But I cant live like this no more. Something has to gien, something has to break….besides  me breaking…cause I cant do this any longer not like tthis. I don’t even get out of bed, im laying here with my eyes closed. Typing…typing out my rambling thoughts, just trying to work it all out in my head. And tthats honestly, to dark of a place these days. When theres no light being brought around you theres no light that comes out from you. Ya know what I mean. I can’t give good news, when I don’t have any. My writitngs that’s only help for me that I have that’s it, and my writings, it shows, it shows stwo and a hlaf years of cycle the same cycle…sighssss its all I can do…is just sighs cauz I don’t have anymore engery why would anyone have any energy to get up…just to be knocked down again. I don’t know

This is a sex workers stoy, if you don’t like my story, change the way you treat me. Change my story, I never promised fantasy, WHAT I PROMISED THE WORD I GAVE TO EVERYONE OF YOU…I PROMISED REAL, A DAMN GOOD TIME, EVERYTIME, I PROMISED YOUD GET NTHING BUT REAL FROM ME. This is MY REAL, THE REAL THE PUBLIC HAS BROUGHT ME, FROM TE ACTIONS OF OTHERS, I WAS TOLD TO DEAL WITH IT, THAT I HAD TO LIKE IT, THAT IT WAS GONNA BE DONE THEIR WAYS, WHETHER I LIKED IT OR NOT IT DIDN’T MATTER…I HAD TO LIKE IT, MY CHOICES WERE TAKEN FROM ME, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HAVE FOUGHT, NONE OF IT MATTER, JUST AS LONG I UNDERSTAND IT’S DONE THE PUBLICS WA, LIKE IT LUMP IT, CLIENTS AND THE PUBLIC TOLD ME. SO IF YOU CANT HANDLE MY STORY MY THUGHT MY REAL, CHANGE THE WAY YOU TREAT OTHRS. CHANGE THE REALITIES MAKE THEM MORE POSITIVE. YOU WANT TO HEAR HAPPY STORIES INSTEAD, MAKE HAPPY STORIES WITH ME,

YA KNOW, I used to have a client, that would take me out to dinner, we’d have the session eithe beore or after…just to take to get me out, I’ve been trying to come up with ways to do fun things, all my ideas that are shot down, so I just stay in these walls that have become m y prison. The sessions don’t change, I try to come up with something that would break my montonity, but no one wants to have fun, and no really realizes that like ya know, road head is like my favorite…or just how much fun I can really be when im imprisoned within these walls,. No oe wants to find out the REAL MICHELLE, BUT IM JUDGED AND EVERYTHING ON THIS PERSON THAS NOT ME,,,NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE TO ME…WHY AM I JUEDGED ON THIS BROKEN SPIRITED PERSON IVE BECOME THAT’S COME FROM THE ABUSE …WHICH ARE THE SAME ONES THAT ARE JUDGING ME. I DON’T GET THISES THINGS, IT’SJUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE ITS NOT LOGICAL…NOT MY LOGICAL ANYWAYS…its just wayyy to much energy a lot of times just to deal with some of yall that just ….smh and sighs

Sorry this isnt a “real news letter” it started out that way, but then I closed my eyes, my thoughts took over, but yet im letting you asee im lm giving you whats in my mind, all the hurt all the pain, that I live that im constantly crying about cuz it seems like that s all I do these days…nothing but cry…I want to be happy again o wamt tp ,

I SCREAM OUT TO BE ME AGAIN, TO BE FREE SPIRITED, IM TOO CAGED UP IAND ITS BROKEN ME, YOU CANT  TIE DOWN A FREE SPIRT LIKE WHAT HAS BEEN DONE …LIKE THIS, YOU CAN NOT CAGE UP A FREE SPIRIT AND EXPECT THEM TO CONTIUE TO FLY WHEN YOU’VE CLIPPED THE WINGS, THINK ABOUT IT. I FEEL DEAD INSIDE CUZ I’VE BEEN LIMITED, IVE BEEN  CAGED, TOLD HOW TO LIVE TOLD HOW I WAS GONNA DO THINGS, MY FREE SPIRIT HAS NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO BE SHOWN, ITS JUST BEEN SLOWLY KILLING ME, IT MAY BE A CHANGE OF PACE FOR YOU, FOR YOUR HOBBY, BUT I’VE BEN CAGED UP FOR TOO LONG, I GOTTA BE FREE AGAIN FOR MY SPIRIT TO SOAR TO FLY, TO RIDE IN THE WIND I CANT BE FREE WHEN YOU ALL ARE TRYING TO CHANGE ME. THINK ABOUT IT, THINK ABOUT IT LONG AND HARD TO. CAUSE WHAT YOU SAW IN ME THAT MADE YOU GO WOW…BACK OVER TWO YEARS, IT FEELS LIKE SHES NEVER EVEN THERE ANYMORE, CUZ YOU CAGED HER UP, LOVED HER TOO TOO MUCH, SMOTHERED HER, YOU see what im saying anyways…my fingers are flowing so…but it’s

9:49 am

Oct 1 2019. Ive gotta put out a part 2 now lol cuz this just took its own course as well

Have a good day everyone

Much love and licks

michelle

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