To know what I’ve been through and to know how much it adds up and how much it has hurt we have to go all the way back to the beginning. For any one thing to make sense about my life and the things that I’ve already written about I’m going to place it all together for you. That way it will all make sense instead of it just being bits and pieces here and there to where it doesn’t make any sense. Most of this I already have written out that no one is aware of until now.
Before I get started I need all of you to be aware of a number of things. This has been and still is, I believe. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. As I never imagined having to come publicly forthright about everything in my life. Especially being that my life is filled with so much hurt from others. But it’s those things that you need to know for everything to add up correctly. So that it makes sense to everyone.
There’s some things that I feel that are important that I would like to say beforehand. First of all, First of all, all of what you’re going to be reading has it been taken from different resources. Emails, letters, my own thoughts, of screenshots, dictating my own journal entries. Just from everywhere. I can’t seem to make myself write everything for this one “event.” It’s to much for me to be able to do. It hurts to much. So, I’ve taken everything from all the different sources and put all of them together. So, Know that everything that I put together, it’s all very important for it to all make sense. Being that the majority of everything is coming from realizing things and emailing someone about those things. So, you’re going to notice that I’m actually speaking to someone and I’m not going to change that around just to appease the public. So everything that I have been piecing together it is a piece of the story. Quiet frankly, I don’t even like saying story because it’s actually the truth about what I have endured. And that’s been a whole lot.
Also I have gone over most of these writings with the editor through Microsoft word. And when I started going through the editor to proofread everything that’s exactly when I noticed just how bad my stutter really is. My stutter comes directly from the trauma that I have endured and it’s pretty damn bad actually. A lot of the stutter I’ve deleted and tried to hide it out of embarrassment. But then again they were times to where I just couldn’t do it and it just needs to be shown what my reality is. As it’s been made clear to me by several people over time that this is MY reality. Just so that everyone is aware, I now dictate everything. I went from typing 90 words a minute, yes with some mistakes now a days. To not being able to type much at all. Because my hands shake way too much now.
It’s also important for you, the reader to know that “I SPEAK BY DEFINITION.” That means, NOT YOUR DEFINITION, NOT YOUR INTERPRETATIONS, NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU READ, NOT YOUR TWIST ON WHAT i HAVE WRITTEN. NONE OF THAT. I SPEAK VERY CLEARLY, CHOOCE MY WORDS WISELY AND IF I AM NOT SURE ON A DEFINITION. I LOOK IT UP TO MAKE SURE. In other words, “I MEAN WHAT SAY AND I SAY WHAT I MEAN” This also means the descriptions that I use, YES, THEY ARE VERY LITERAL. Honestly speaking, the reason why I always have so many typos, is basically my brain goes so fast that my fingers never can keep up. Even when I was typing at my best. My brain is very complex, I promise. lol This is why I try to stay simple and live simple.
Well this is really not my reality, because none of this was even close to being in my choices and had any of this been any of my choices. I would have never come through any of this this would have never been my reality, by the way. My reality has been the direct cause from others directly changing the outcomes of everything in my life enforcing things upon my life that I would have never chosen or never thought of cuz things would have gone had it been my choice thanks for the never been this route never in my life.
Every one of you need to know, I have gone above I have protected every one of you I have literally kept to my word to everyone of you that I have given. In order for any of this to make any sense I cannot change names because the names were already changed. Meaning that there have been many that have gone under up to 20 different names I believe. For anything to make any sense I cannot change anything because the whole point about trying to figure all this out is ghost by all the different associations and everything that I found. So for that I do apologize
Also, if you have been apart of the story, a part of my life throughout this time. To understand the depth of my trauma to understand the depth of what’s actually been done, to grasp or try to grasp, at least what I have gone through. There is no way that I can leave any one piece out. It’s very important that I put all of it together. None of this have been done out of spite. It’s actually very much the opposite really. Though I’m sure you will hear all kinds of different emotions coming from me. I can not nor will I try to hold all this in any longer. I will be up front and tell you this much, YES I AM VERY FUCKING ANGRY!!! YOU FUCKING DAMN SKIPPY I’M ANGRY AS FUCK ABOUT NOT GIVING A FLAT FUCK MUCH LESS A THOUGHT ABOUT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME, BESIDES MY HOME BEING A REVOLVING DOOR TO COME IN AND USE ME LIKE A DOOR MAT AND A GARBAGE DISPOSAL FOR ALL OF YOUR DRAMA. TO LEAVE AT MY DOOR STEP AND EXPECT ME TO PICK IT UP, CLEAN IT UP AND TO PAY FOR IT. YES I AM VERY FUCKING PISSED OFF THAT MY LIFE HAS TAKEN 4 TIMES NOW WITH NO REGARD TO ME AT ALL…..ALL THE WHILE I’VE PUT YOUR LIVES FIRST! THAT’S WHERE I WENT WRONG!!
Here’s the thing about it, while I’ve been protecting everyone, I have not protected myself. My friends my loved ones my family those that I have chosen to be in my life personally those in my work life, those that have been my friends for 15 years. It’s everyone I come in contact with. Very literally speaking. EVERY PERSON. And for me to be able to stop this cycle in my life it has to be shown. Because very honestly speaking, there are so many of you who have impacted the rest of my life in a very negative way and not even realized what you’ve done. And for God sakes, for any of this to stop, I can’t protect you anymore. For the last 3 years I have held so much in with only very little coming out in bits and pieces to different people. I stay sick with the nuts in my stomach and in my gut daily nightly 24/7 all the seconds that I live because I hold things in that are not for me to hold. I didn’t do these things to me, I can not own them. They are not for me to own.
I have just turned 49 on January 18th. The day that Martin Luther King Jr’s Birthday was observed as well as our civil rights being observed on this day. In wildly have come a long ways in many different ways our first woman vice president black and Asian woman I mean there’s there’s a lot of milestones that we have just crossed recently. But there’s still a very harsh reality that can not go unacknowledged. And cannot be forgotten because I won’t forget it.
Each and every HUMAN BEING IS A VERY IMPORTANT HUMAN BEING. THERE’S NOT LIFE THAT SHOULD GO FORGOTTEN. THERE’S NOT ONE HUMAN LIFE THAT DESERVES TO BE TREATED BAD, MUCH LESS THE DISPECTABLE WAYS THAT I’VE BEEN TREATED.
If there’s anything that I can say about what I’ve been through is trust me when I say, BE MINDFUL OF OTHERS, AND BE KIND. BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU DO OR DON’T DO, SAY OR DON’T SAY VERY LITERALLY DOES HAVE A DIRECT EFFECT UPON OTHERS LIVES. NOT ONLY EFFECT BUT THE IMPACT UPON OTHERS LIVES. IN MY CASE, ALL OF WHAT I’VE ENDURED HAS BOTH GREATLY IMPACTED AND AFFECTED MY LIFE…. FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS ON THIS EARTH.
I have realized that I’m no longer able to communicate with others, not able to interact with others anymore. There’s no one that can grasp any of those, so with that alone alienates me from anyone for the rest of my life. Not to mention, last month in December when I tried to meet people it’s evident that I’m no longer able to be the person that I had been before. Much of my memory about things are going most of what I remember is trauma-based. So the trauma has directly affected memories that were good memories and memories that I do remember is the direct trauma. When I used to have a very photogenic memory by just looking at something real quick and could tell you 20 years later the little bitty details about that normally that most would not remember. Now, it seems I’m only able to recall details as such with anything that had to do surrounding the times of any of my trauma. So this means while many of you have no clue of who You lie to what you’ve done what you haven’t done whatever it may be. I, on the other hand can recall every little bitty detail from those times surrounding any of the trauma that I have endured in my life. So YES, ALL OF THIS HAS DIRECTLY AFFECTED ME … FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
The majority of you I have forgiven. Hell if I held a grudge like most of you do. There literally would NOT be any communication with anyone. Being all have hurt me GREATLY in one way and/or many of the others. I can say, living in my shoes… my size 3 in kids shoes that I wear, walking in my shoes… BE REST ASSURED TO KNOW IT TEACHES YOU HUMILITY. IT TEACHES YOU THE VALUE OF LIFE, OF ALL LIFE. IT TEACHES YOU NOT TO HATE. IT TEACHES YOU NOT TO JUDGE. IT TEACHES YOU HOW TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK.
THING IS, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN IT’S HAPPENED AND CONTINUES TO HAPPEN FROM EVERY PERSON THAT BY TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK, TO CONTINUE TO ALLOW IT… YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOOT YOUR OWN SELF. AND THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING TO MY SELF. I KEEP ENABLING THOSE TO CONTINUE TO HURT ME AND NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT ITS DONE TO ME AND YOU ALONE, ARE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THOSE ACTIONS. I CAN NOT TAKE YOUR OWN ACCOUNTABLY FOR THE ACTIONS YOU’VE DONE, NOR SHOULD I, NOR WILL OWN YOUR OWN ACCOUNTABLY FOR YOU ANY LONGER. I HAVE MY OWN TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR, AND FOR ME… THAT’S WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH.
So with that said, again none of this is out of mouth or spite or any other negative way that it would impact anybody negatively in their life, but then again please be kind you never know when somebody is going through something you don’t know about.
I just can not hold ALL OF THIS IN MY GUT ANYMORE. ITS WAY TOO DAMN MUCH FOR THIS ONE LITTLE BITTY PERSON TO HOLD FOR THE WHOLE WORLD.
I don’t have nothing to prove I’m not trying to prove anything this doesn’t for this reasons. I literally I just turned 49 and I just can’t hold it anymore. And not one person literally not one person knows my side of the story and it’s time I tell it. Its time that that I make my side known maybe just maybe I’m hoping anyways, that it touch someone’s life in a positive way. Whether it gives courage or strength or whatever it may be. I cannot fathom the thought of going through what I’ve gone through in vain and not allow my story to be told as well as the knowledge that I have learned I just can’t let’s put this way all of THIS pain, there’s got to be reason to all this madness. That’s the only way, that I could continue to carry on through out my life. To turn all this bad, by telling my story, hopefully, I pray that what I have endured can bring some positive influence into this world. Because I can honestly say, what I have endured has been a sacrifice like no other. I’ve sacrificed my whole life….and for the rest of my life…. Just to teach unconditional love, forgiveness, humility, how to be grateful for what you do have.
Most of all, in a world that’s so filled with hate that it’s blinding to what we do to our own selves. FILLED WITH GREED AND SELFISHNESS. ..I HOPE THIS CAN SHOW AND TEACH OTHERS ABOUT
SELFLESSNESS.TO GIVE OF ONE SELF…NOT TO BE FILLED WITH SUCH GREED. . HOW TO GIVE OF YOURSELF AND NOT EXPECT OR WANT ANYTHING IN RETURN. I LIE…I ONLY WANT TO BE TREATED CORRECTLY. THAT’S ALL I WANT BACK.
One last important detail to know before I actually get started into this. T