Prelude To “Today Is A New Day”

I’m doing my own therapy on complex PTSD between work and Ashton this blog is going to end up probably being three pages. ive been focused on trying to write one of the hardest blogs for me that ive had to write and im forcing myself to do so and its taking alot of me. Ontop of always dealing with all the outside noise and problems and drama  

The massive complex ptsd. It’s so vast of what I have been going through that nobody could really understand that I cannot understand myself I’m just realizing to be able to explain it is taking three different stories and it all going into one all at one time. it’s been so bad. so I don’t mean to put anybody off but this is so damn important for me to do. I have to do this I’m not trying to be mean I’m just trying to fucking figure myself out and figure out what’s been going on with me and why and I’ve got to try to start my healing process but in order to do so I have got to get everybody to see what’s been going on. I’m just trying to start my healing 

Over 8 years of time when people tell me I should die I in shit like that they don’t understand that from dealing with my son that I can’t they can’t it triggers me badly ach thing that I go through like last night when I went off a lot of that I’m not putting in here but I’m starting to realize what some of this is just like talking to you about the triggers each step I’ve taken and this week im starting to begin figuring out some th6 m healing or trying to anyways All on my own reliving my nightmares as I’m still living them 

  Ive also noticed more memory loss from it all i keep trying to tell everyone that i can’t handle it all its sooo soooo much …all for one person.  Amd im just told im crazy amd pyscho amd more trigger amd more drama gets brought to me instead, Enduring my triggers apparently I’m not realizing what’s going on and I don’t know how to say any of this I can’t recognize it all especially when I’m going through the trigger. So i apologize for not being able to remember but im always just problems dropped into my lap all the time and i cant ever get done fixing just one issue.  

Because I’ve thrown it out there so many times but you won’t know exactly until I can explain it it’s when I start shivering and I start stuttering and everything that I can’t it’s taking so much out of me to do this 

so you know when a sub just pleases her Master it’s the most horrible thing to a submissive or a slave, okay to be given task that are out of her reach that’s impossible to accomplish all the time with having this instilled in me never being able to please and given goals and being told that I should die or that I’m not good enough because I’m trying to reach impossible goals it’s the most horrible feeling in the world for me 

Understanding The Different Parts of My Nightmare Story 

You are never able to follow because ITS THAT FUCKING MUCH GOING ON……..LITERALLY HITTING ME ALLL AT ONE TIME!!!! SO IN ORDER TO FOLLOW IM GONNA BREAK THIS DOWN QUICKLY

Five Different Parts of the story

  • “The Married Man”
  • My son wanting to kill me
  • My back
  • clients ….and (i dont know what to call this next one)
  • attacks from the unseen

Things I’m Trying To Accomplish

its literally a matter of life and death for me…i cant continue like this not after 8 years total of it all. This is sooooo important for me to do

  • understanding my triggers
  • seeing what my triggers are
  • whats causing my triggers
  • understanding my trust issues
  • im trying to start my healing or what can be healed
  • before i can start healing, i have to show whats going on
  • so that it can stop, so that i can start my healing
  • i cant hold it all in anymore…theres soooooooooo much of it, i cant hold it in anymore

For Example:

  • last year IN ONE YEAR, I HAD TO BUILD 5 DIFFERENT WEBSITES,
    • THIS IS ONE BEING MY FIFTH ONE,
    • NOT KNOWING A FUCKING THING
    • HAD TO LEARN PRETTY MUCH HOW TO TURN A COMPUTER ON
    • ALL THE WAY SELF TAUGHT UP TO SOME PHP AND HTML CODING WHICH I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND
  • RIGHT NOW IM DEALING WITH
    • THIS DOMAIN EXPIRING ON MAY 31ST
    • HAVING TO REGISTER THIS DOMAIN
    • AND RE REGISTERING “MSROGUESA.NET” DOMAIN, THAT I ALREADY PAID FOR
    • BUT HAVE TO MOVE OFF OF WORDPRESS BEING THE REGISTER OF THE DOMAIN
    • I HAVE THE FAINEST CLUE ON HOW TO REGISTER BOTH DOMAINS ANONOMOUSLY
    • I HAVE TO FIND A HOSTING SERVING FOR …..BOTH DOMAINS
  • I HAVE A COMPUTER THAT I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT ALOT ….A WHOLE LOT OF ISSUES I’VE BEEN HAVING WITH IT
  • THE WEBSITE HAS 4 CRITICAL ERRORS TO IT NOW
  • AND NOW GOOGLE SEARCH CONSOLE HAS STARTED SENDING ME….
    • MORE FUCKING PROBLEMS….
    • SHIT I DONT HAVE THE FAINTEST CLUE ABOUT…..ERRORS IN SEO OR WHATEVER..FUCK I DONT KNOW LIKE I JUST THROW MY HANDS UP…NO CLUE NONE…
    • SITE IS RUNNING SLOW
    • SOMETHING ABOUT JSS AND CSS SHIT???? I DONT KNOW ITS GREEK, JAPANESE, CHINESE, MONGOLIAN AND SPANISH ALL WRAPPED UP IN ONE TO MEEEE….

The Never Ending …..on top of it all

  • All the Content
    • editing,
    • bluring,
    • merging,
    • trimming
    • seaprating,
    • watermarking twice,
    • seapreting into each catagory,
    • figuring out discriptions
    • figuring out prices
    • making samples of each catagory
    • and updating the naughty corner page
  • All the webpages need updating
  • the contact and screening forms need to be updating and fixed up correctly
  • there’s been cookie changes so the privacy policies need updating AGAIN
  • ohhh yeaaa…the CCPA THE CALIFORNIA NEW LAW REQUIREMENTS FOR THE PRIVACY POLICIES WAS DUE IN JAN…I HAVE TILL JUNE TO DO THIS …..BY LAW
  • THEN THERE’S THE 2257 LAWS AND REQUIREMENTS THAT DESPARATELY NEED TO BE DONE OR ….IT’S MAJOR JAIL TIME FEDERAL AT THAT….IF DOESNT HURRY UP AND GET FUCKING DONE
  • UPDATING 20 SOMETHING ADVERTISING PROFILES
  • PAYING FOR ADVERTISING PROFILES

Then There’s

  • Microsoft….teaching myself how to be my fucking own IT Dept and you have no idea what that consist of…neither did i, i found out quickly
    • its like setting up a corporat of lets say, going into the social security office, or dmv, or even the food stamp office…all them different cubicles in that office…with all them different computers……okayy
      • setting up permissions that have permissions and more permmissions and more permissions to
      • more than 25 different apps
      • that all link together
      • i have to set permissions like if im gonna alllow my employees to link their linkedin accounts, single sign ons, 2 factor authentications, if im going to allow search thru bing, setting up the token certificates to be allowed to do the 2 factor authenications etc etc et c…..having to learn all this is …..MAJORLY MAJORYLY TEDIOUS ALOT OF REARSH AND STRESSFULL ALL ON ITS OWN

WHY DID THE FUCK DID I DO THIS FUCKING SHIT TO MYSELF YOU ASK?…..OR AT LEAST I ASK MYSELF….FOR THE CUSTOMERS TO PLEASE THE CUSTOMERRS AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO ABOUT IT ALL THE ‘REGULAR” WAY…

  • TO BE ABLE TO SELL MY CONTENT
  • TO BE ABLE TO STREAM MY CONTENT
  • TO GIVE PAYING MEMEBERSHIPS
  • TO GIVE MORE SECURITY
  • TO GIVE ME MORE SECURITY ON MY CONTENT
  • ETC ETC EETC

Then there’s

  • getting 100 EMAILS IN A TWO TO THREE HOUR PERIOD LIKE WHEN I WAS ON TWITTER THE OTHER DAY
  • TRYING TO READ EACH EMAIL
  • TRYING TO REMEMBER THE ONES THAT ACTUALLY NEED TO BE ANSWERED
  • REMEMBERING TO EAT
  • REMEMBERING TO SLEEP I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT IS OR WHERE THAT FITS INTO ALL OF THIS
  • CLEANING UP MY HOUSE
  • SCREENING CLIENTS
  • PAYING BILLS
  • DOING ONLINE SHOPPING
  • RESEARCHING EVERY DAMN THING I DO
  • KNOWING THE LAWS FOR EACH AND EVERY THING THAT I DO
  • REMEMBERS MY FUCKING NAME, OR ADDRESS….WHAIT A MINUTE, KNOWING WHAT FUCKING DAY IT IS
  • DEALING WITH WHINNY SPOILED 2 YEAR OLD GROWN KIDS WHO LIKE THROWING TEMPER TANTURMS

AND NOW…I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP…GOING THRU A PROCESS OF 3 YEARS….FROM CLIENT, TO PERSONAL, TO BEING MY dOM, TO NOW WHO I AM CALLING Master……..I HAD A WRECK THAT CAUSED THE RELEASE OF MY FIRST MASTER, MY SON AND THAT TRAUMA CAUSED THE RELEASE OF MY THIRD MASTER…..THIS ONE…..NO NO NO NO NO NO FUCKING NO WAY NOOOOOOOO NO MORE FUCKING INTERFERNCE!!!!

WHAT’S S THE LIFE OR DEATH IMPORANT SIGNAFICANCE TO ALL OF THIS

IM LOSING MY MEMORY AGAIN

MY STUTTER HAS GOTTEN WORSE

THE SHAKING IN MY HANDS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE

IM LOSING MY HAIR AGAIN

I TOLD YALL THIS LAST YEAR…….

THIS JOB IS FUCKING KILLING ME….A SLOW FUCKING AGNOZING TAUNTING TORMENTING TORTURING DEATH IM TELLING YOU! IF THE STRESS DOESNT LET UP AND CUSTOMERS CONTNUE TO PUT MORE STRESS AND MORE DRAMA AND MORE BULLSHIT, YALL ARE LITERALLY GONNA KILL ME….

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON IF THIS DOESNT STOP I GOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE ON DISABBILTIY AND QUIT THIS JOB….IVE GOT TO QUIT SOON I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE THIS JOB IS KILLING ME….

HOW MANY BLOGS JUST THIS YEAR ALONE AND ITS JUST MAY…I HAVE WRITTEN TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE I CANT TAKE ANYMORE STRESS….ALL OF YOU TELL ME I NEED A BREAK BUT ….TELL ME IM PSYCHO AND A BITCH AND EVERYTHING ELSE WHEN YOU CONTACT ME AT 2:30 AND 3:30 IN THE MORNING ………………………….NEVER GIVING ME A FUCKING BREAK THIS CYCLE IS GOING ALL OVER AGAIN LIKE LAST YEAR………………………..

OK SO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT HUH….YOU WANT TO HEAR ME TO CALL HUH……FUCKING HERE IT IS………………MY SAFE WORD

FUCKING MERCY, MERCY GOT DAMN IT…MERCYYYYYYYY FUCKING MERCY…………..MERCYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAME MOTHERFUCKING CYCLE DIFFERENT GOT DAMN YEAR

HERE IS WHAT YALL SEE

HERE IS WHAT YOU DONT SEE ME IN ONE FUCKING SPOT 24/ FUCKING 7 ROUND CLOCK, 365 DAYS A FUCKING YEAR…AND YALL COMPLAINING THIS IS MY NICE COMFY JAIL CELL….ME LAYING ON MY ICE PACK FOR MY BACK …THE NEVER ENDING STRESS, DRAMA YOU BRING INTO MY LIFE, PRESSURE AND HATED….IS TOO MUCH FOR ONE FUCKING HUMAN BEING TO TAKE I CANT TAKE ANYMORE IT HAS TO STOP ……………………IT HAS TO STOP …………………..NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW……………IT FUCKING STOPS NOWW!

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