raw thoughts

i believe ive gotten so closed in, so squeezed in….that i just wanna walk away from it all…just fucking leave it all..its sat morning, im now afraid to go take a shower, ive losing just globs of my hair in the shower for a mth and a half now, everyone says, your strongest bitch i know, you can handle it you can handle anything . everyone hhas their points. between my dad dieing, the std scare that no one knows about, money in prepaid debit card being stolen, no family, Barry hitting louisiana, thats what ive been holding on the inside. no one has a clue about. work is never ending, i have no end in sight when it comes to this site, i dont know what the fuck im looking at most of the time. wed and thurs of this week, i spent dealing at the std clinic, trying to get on prep also…im a canidate but i might have to go through testing and shit again to find out if i can take it, the cat scans, all the testing with my kidney that ive gone through, wonder if i have to freaking pee on freaking xray for 3rd time. i cant get on prep before the testing, cuz my right kidney is the size of pea! and prep can cause kidney failure and it also causes a breakdown in the mineral in bones, when i have degenetive disease in my back,

ive just recently openingly admitted to the person so…i ended up falling in love with two men, totally different people, one was a client one wasnt, so i see and sleep with two people personally…ones married one isnt…condom slipped off with the married one,,,the one that had told 2 mths i think that i had trich….couldnt figure out how the fuck i had it, when he was wife went to the dr and found out she had it, i went straight and got checked, i was told all i had was a bladder infection…soooo i had to tell the other person. ……fast forward, so thurs i went in for my prep intake they had gotten the trich test back….AGAIN NOTHING….well im trying to figure this out since he told me about that….ive been stressing for lets just say 2 mths now, why it came down to me, when ive been told i didnt have anything

i still havnet figured out the whole story, it all kinda sounds not right to me…bottom line is, he didnt bother to tell me, they are speculating about something else that i shouldnt be worried on my end..ya know….this stress..you men dont realize what it does…so this week i had to tell the other person. ya know it makes a person feel like shit, even as careful as i am with everything, the fucking condom slipped off got stuck inside..ya know…i know shit happens but i try everything that i can fucking possibly do to keep everyone safe…and ya know i had to put it in fucking perspective for him, that not only do i concern myself about him when it comes to him being married, but i have the whole world that i have to think about …and he cant bother to even begin to ease my stress levels.

ill get all the results back this comeing week, but with the vaginal exam and everything so far, ive just had a bladder infection FOR TWO MONTHS NOW OR SO….just i pushed to make sure about everything just so i can have fucking peace of mind….which of course he didnt think to ease my mind, worry, stress concern all of it…but i made i fucking did, i got the whole fucking panel done!

for more than 6 mths now i now get red blotches on my face and neck due to the stress, those new pics on my gallery page, that just happened to be one of the few times i could go without makeup and not be embarrassed. the shit hurts on my face. the only way i can keep it under control somewhat is by vaseline, i dont know what it is, but i can definitly tell you it was stress induced.

i also now have tenitits in my ears been dealing with not be able to hear especially in my left ear since what march or april …the last two sat mornings my left ear seems to be worse, when i wake up….i havent had my mammogram in more than a few yrs now….

i SPENT MY MONEY I HAD SET ASIDE FOR MY BUSINESS I SPENT BETWEEN WED AND THUR MY 150 OUT OF MY DISABILITY CHECK FOR THE BUSINESS ON THIS FALSE SCARE..which i mean hey i got it done so im not complaining there, but ya know the mental toll that its taking i mean yall dont realize when i HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!1 THE WHOLE WORLD THAT I SEE…I WORRY..ALLLLLLLL THE TIME….

and it just seems like no one wants to EASE my stress levels ive been screaming this out for a whole long time now…i just cant keep going like i am, i mean my god, free slave labor is what ive been feeling for the longest time, i cant afford to the dr again this week to take care of the bladder infection..but everyone wants my time and TAKES MY TIME JUST FREELY ALL THE WHILE MY HEALTH IS GOING TO SHIT. EVEN WITH THE SLIDING SCALE DRS …i cant afford it and NOW I GOT DEAL WITH CHARGES IN MY ACCOUNT THATS NOT MINE THAT I NEED THAT MONEY NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW THAT I DONT HAVE

I JUST CANT FUCKING WIN FOR LOSING SOOO AT THIS POINT, I DONT EVEN WANNA SHOWER, I JUST WANNA GRAB MY PURSE, AND WALK OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND ME AND THATS IT! and ive been known to pull stunts just like that, and no one would know where im at, just drop off the face of the earth on the real, i havent done it in a long time, but thats something that yes i used kinda regularly…all these people that continuely contacting me “are you ok are you ok are you ok” one day, and the way im feeling, might be sooner than later, the phone the emails the sites everything will just be down! cut all ties to it…

ya know when a person has absoutely no fucking support system from her own community no one eases any pain or stress and just keeps piling bullshit onto of more bullshit..your either gonna kill me, or squeeze me out and i just walk away..fuck it all cuz its not worth my health no worth it,, i m just done with it all with fucking childish games with men that are actually boys, being lonely this whole shingdig that men seem to think is a fucking game………fuck yall mfers that are like that, make me so sick to my stomach

cuz its not a game, not when your worried about you and every other person your with to make sure we are ALL SAFE…fuck i swear …im tired and

sadly enough, what i had found in this job, cuz i had to relearn had to live again after ashtons shit,..talk dress function the whole nine yards, yea thats how much my son fucked me up i was fucked off about my youngest son that i had to relearn basic living again…sadly enough, this job is bringing me right back down,,,,when it raised me up ‘

i dont know why everyone hates me THIS FUCKING BAD, I DONT DO ANYONE ANY WRONG if anything im the one done wrong all the time, is it because i sit and i try to figure out why am i hated so much.why do you continue doing this to me, whyyyy just whyyyyyyyyyy cuz its fun mayube to hurt another human being cuz idont kow …i just give up now…………

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