You know when you’re realizing things and you start to have clarity on a lot of things you’re feeling the emotions right then and there. to say that’s what I’ve been going through, yes! to say that these emotions are valid. yes! to say that I’m going through a process of healing, most definitel!!! here it is, the reason why I’m sharing all this it helps me. you know when I first started working here I could not talk about Ashton. I could not talk about him at all. I could not even mention his name. now I can say that he had tried to kill me not so nonchalantly. like it’s just nothing anymore and that showed me how much improvement that gave to me in my own self. and the fear of when he graduates this year and what he’s going to do which he says is going as the air Force how to hack computers. that’s a little scary knowing my child. knowing how intelligent he is knowing exactly what he’s capable of is scary. and I would think anybody would be if you kmme I’m hoping that if he does go into the air Force at the military can straighten his ass out but that never says anything about you know having an anger or something toward one individual I may be a trigger of his I don’t know what it is about him I’ll never know and I think that’s the most scariest is I guess the fear of unknown cuz I don’t know I wish I did so that maybe I could help the situation but I don’t think it’ll ever be helped
the security on the website it’s going great new server is going great there was some bugs that had to be checked out everything is fine on that part. everything is running stable everything is cool I just put it as said that the site is in beta just because everybody’s expecting it to be in a perfect and it’s not right now there is like I’ve got four pages long of list of shit that I have to do and everybody keeps wasting my time wanting to chat and that’s what I’m trying to get across to everyone I wrote a list down Monday morning before everybody started dialing me up at 6:30 in the morning what I have to do this week and everybody just takes I got time to waste sit there and chatting in to visit and I don’t if I don’t have time for myself to heal I don’t have time to chat for anybody else and then it’s the real deal I have to heal it’s my turn now valid being greedy and selfish it’s my turn to be selfish now and if nobody likes that I can’t help that but it’s my turn and I just heard that every bit of it
Now I share this to help others I share this to bring out an awareness that these kinds of things to happen to us and it’s not just about my son it’s about all of this it what endangers us why we need decriminalization point blank I share this so I can look back in a year and go this is where I was that this is where I can prove this is where I need to improve this is for me to look at it as well this is not for anybody to judge or to use against me it’s too and better myself and this is why you got to understand why I’m doing what I’m doing I’m doing this to write a book I’m doing this for myself and it’s a healing process all the pains that I’ve been going through everything that I’ve gone through in a year this year alone is more than enough and believe me my emotions are going to go up and down and crazy while I’m going through this healing process that’s a normal process for anybody safe for me to be judged or to look down upon you can kiss my ass because I’m a strong ass bitch but doing it in public and I’m doing this for a reason to show just what it takes to do what we do and it takes determination it takes wanting to do this we don’t do this to make money because there’s money to be made like talking about life like everybody thinks and I don’t do it like that either. I’m not money hungry but I can tell you this I just want to survive I just want to be happy and I just want to be left alone you know I want to be left alone to where I can be happy instead of everybody putting their shit on me it’s not right but I wanted to share this because my emotions from my blogs are going up and down right now and that’s because of the hearing process and I’m aware of it I know exactly where I staying and what’s going on but y’all may be thinking that I’m not and that is so not the truth but I want you to know I do not have time to sit and chat in lsan stupid time wasted bulshit that y’all been doing for the last 2 weeks that I’ve been on Twitter it’s bullshit. I’ve taken enough of my time and point blank I’m not going to deal with it it’s my turn and it’s my I have every right to be selfish every right to be me and to be allowed to be me. Call me in so damn much that nobody can be themselves that way and that’s what I’m trying to show also but happy morning and see it cuz I was too blind to see it and now don’t want to
My sharing is for positiveness not for anybody to take negative out of and then pick a bone till doomsday about this is for positive this is for my healing y’all have a wonderful day
PS I’d like to remind everyone that if you see the now game in this you were not seeing my vision for none of it it is not about this now game that y’all are so interested in picking apart it’s about the end-game what’s the future what I’m looking at what’s going to happen in the future but I am doing the future what my plans are for the future if you see the nail game you are not saying nothing at all and that would be your problem
Pps I also did say that when you’re going through a healing process and to get it behind you you got to be livid right well I’m reliving a lot of fucking shit right now shit that I have not dealt with since before I got here cuz I had just finished counseling when I got here about my son so all this shit that y’all been doin to me has come piled on top of what I was dealing with in the beginning in the first parking place so I’m having to go back for five years worth of shit to get all of this out of me that’s a lot of shit to go through and you think I got time to sit here and chat that’s the real deal yall juet been compiling y’all shit on top of the shit that I was already dealing with so thanks I have a lot to deal with now and I’m going to deal with it it’s time it’s been time
this is my healing road, my pains that im having to heal from. this is what has compiled from the last 5 years, i am reliving!!! this is the abuse from men from work from my son, from my dad dieing this all of the hell that i have been through that i have to heal from this has nothing to do with anything else but me healing!!!!!!!!!!
this means i dont have time for chatting this is where my time has time has been wasted enough as it is and i need to be selfish now for my self and be selfish about my time so that i can heal and go forward!!!!!!
THIS IS ME BEING A PERFECTLY NORMAL HUMAN BEING THAT HAS GONE THROUGH HELL AND BACK QUITE LITERALLY, AND IF YOU LOOK INTO THIS ANYMORE THAN THAT, THATS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. THIS IS SIMPLY BEING REAL!!1
I NEVER PROMISED FANTASY WHAT I PROMISED WAS REAL AND THAT IS WHAT YOUR GONNA GET…REAL!!!!