prelude: i just got triggered on here badly, i just got a pm say..(now im shaking so bad i cant type, and my speech just began to stutter) ….saying sorry its been a tough go around for you….the two words, sorry and your strong they are bad bad triggers for me, im not strong im just contniually left all alone so please understand , in my writings on my site, i share about how i used to fall alll the time, now i see what is actually wrong with me,please dont say sorry to me i know you mean well, but its upsetting to me when im left all alone all the time and noooo im not strong, not when im left all alone all the time i cry all the time in my fear i shake and shiver in my trauma so nooo im not strong, you just dont see me left all alone, im rebepublishing this so you can know to actually pay attention to this please
I’ve been taking some time off and away from everybody and kind of trying to figure out what’s going on with me. Between research and just having conversation with other people. I have been exerting almost all of the signs of traumatic brain injury as well as complex PTSD which I knew I had that before I came to Texas. I am needing to look into resources of trying to get back into counseling and to find out more on what.i can do that i can trust being sex worker friendly.
I can’t even get through writing typing this…damn smh….umm The things that happened to me last year and the first couple of months this year we’re pretty damn bad I’m realizing I don’t think I even know or realized just how bad it was.
And I guess I’ll just go ahead and I’ll take this opportunity and speak it out loud here. For those who have noticed I’ve been very defensive, I’ve been very defensive because I’m tired of getting beat down and hurt with doing this job. I’m very defensive because I’m trying to start healing from last year and with whats been going on this year and I can’t seem to start healing if I keep getting hurt like I’ve been. I’m very defensive because I’m trying to stand up for myself and there’s been a lot of people who just keep continue to beat me down and into a corner this has been very very hard for me.
I got an email the other night stating a few things one of those things was of me being defensive so I’m explaining this.
He also mentioned that he was a little terrified to email me. I want to say something about that and I want to say that you have no idea how terrified I am of every one of you everybody now I’m very terrified I’ve had a lot of fear instilled in me in the last couple of years and I fear every one of you more than you have any idea about me
With the amount of different horrible things that’s happened to me, trying to stop getting hurt, all the stuff, the cyber bullying and everything it has instilled a lot of fear in me a whole lot so I wanted to just bring that up and let you know that because of the complex PTSD from before I got here and moved here. It seems like when I get scared I get violent out of being scared because I’ve been beat up and everything in my life so much with a lot of abuse and that’s why.
The third thing that was mentioned in that email I want to bring up is the horror stories and that’s the way it was quoted was horror stories on my website in the dread on the contact and screening pages.
I’m going to publicly you know I’ve been…..this is so hard for me I’m not going to lie.
ok… customers seem to look at that as so negative but I’m going to say something, THOSE horror stories it’s NOT a story it’s what I’ve been living and if it’s such horror for you to read then you can’t even imagine what it is for me to go through day and day out day and day out.
Yes my whole site is of it and you know what I have been begging pleading asking demanding I have tried to everything possible to try to get you out to see that I continually getting hurt. and I’m simply have just been begging and everything else just for you to stop hurting me. Thats simply it. I just want NOT get hurt anymore or have death threats or anymore or have somebody strange scaring the shit out of me knocking at my door stalking me it just want to be able to do my job in peace and not get hurt anymore.
those of you who have told me on here i need to go die a corona virus death and that have came to my site just to tell me that i should just go ahead and die, im gonna let everyone of you know, im very lucky to have actually have made it out alive through my own child wanting to kill me. that did happened, its VERY REAL AND i continue to live it everyday, and i continue to fear my own child, especially now that he is 18. those of you who have told me those kinds of things, thats a triggers and brings flashbacks of what i was dealing with before imoved hee. and is the very reason why i acr like i always do.
For a good part of all of us here, we are parents, have been parents…whatever ya know im trying to say..i hope..anyways, can you please at least TRY to imagine dealing with your child that is 11/12 years old wanting and trying to kill you….i KNOW that i DID say TRY. it’s not something thats easy to deal with. I had went from doing counsling from 3 times a week, down to 2, down to once a week and i had JUST FINISHED WHEN I MOVED HERE.i was supposed to continue my own …by writitng…which is my website …….and to endure the continued shit that customers, potential customers and haters have put my through it compounded soooo much on top of my son trying to blackmail right after i moved here on top of what all he done before that. ummmm
for any one of you to contact me without a proper introuduction and with fake emails and to contnuiue to contact me by phone, IT SCARES THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME, FOR ONE…BECAUSE OF WHAT I HAVE ALREADY DEALT WITH BEFORE MOVING HERE.
god yall have no idea how hard this is for me to speak about all this…..
ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS….I HAVE I LOST TIME ON SUNDAY AGAIN..MOTHERS DAY WAS SO HARD ON ME THA I LOST MEMORY AGAIN, MY SPEECH….THE STUTTER HAS GOTTEN WAY WORSE. THE SHAKES IN MY HANDS, ARE WORSE…I CANT HARDLY TYPE ANYMORE.
YALL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, I CAN NOT ENDURE ANYMORE STRESS LIKE I’VE BEEN UNDER
I’m going to list the symptoms of traumatic brain injury…IM Sorry i didnt mean for this to get to this long, it started flowing out of me. ….
the continued leaving me all alone with no support system, therefore foricing me to deal with everything all on my own dealing with the trauma from soooo many people that i dont know compounding on my fear of my own son and dating a narissist for 2 years and dealing with all of yall on top of it all…telling me im crazy and shit….punishing me just because im trying to deal wit hall the crap that i endured and punishing me for my writings when i continue t oTRY …GOD DO I TRY MY DAMNEDEST BUT I CANT DO IT WIHTOUT ALL OF THIS STOPPOIONG PLEEEEASE JUST PLEASE STOP HURTING ME JUST BECAUSE I KEEP TRYING TO HEAL, IT’S KILLING ME IT REALLY IS
Mild traumatic brain injury
The signs and symptoms of mild traumatic brain injury may include:
- Loss of consciousness for a few seconds to a few minutes
- No loss of consciousness, but a state of being dazed, confused or disoriented
- Nausea or vomiting
- Fatigue or drowsiness
- Problems with speech
- Difficulty sleeping
- Sleeping more than usual
- Dizziness or loss of balance
- Sensory problems, such as blurred vision, ringing in the ears, a bad taste in the mouth or changes in the ability to smell
- Sensitivity to light or sound
Cognitive or mental symptoms
- Memory or concentration problems
- Mood changes or mood swings
- Feeling depressed or anxious
What causes PTSD?
The situations we find traumatic can vary from person to person. There are many different harmful or life-threatening events that might cause someone to develop PTSD. For example:
- being involved in a car crash
- being violently attacked
- being raped or sexually assaulted
- being abused, harassed or bullied
- being kidnapped or held hostage
- seeing other people hurt or killed, including in the course of your job
- doing a job where you repeatedly see distressing images or hear details of traumatic events
- traumatic childbirth, either as a mother or a partner witnessing a traumatic birth
- extreme violence or war, including military combat
- surviving a terrorist attack
- surviving a natural disaster, such as flooding or an earthquake
- being diagnosed with a life-threatening condition
- losing someone close to you in particularly upsetting circumstances
- learning that traumatic events have affected someone close to you (sometimes called secondary trauma)
- any event in which you fear for your life.
‘Secondary’ means that although the original (primary) trauma happened to someone else, the impact it’s having in your life is traumatic for you. It doesn’t mean it’s any less significant than any other kind of PTSD, or any easier to deal with. Our page for friends and family has some tips on looking after yourself.
Repeatedly witnessing or hearing about traumatic events in the course of your job is also sometimes called ‘secondary trauma’, although this experience is increasingly thought of by professionals as an original (primary) trauma.
Are some people more at risk of PTSD?
Some factors may make you more vulnerable to developing PTSD, or may make the problems you experience more severe, including:
- experiencing repeated trauma
- getting physically hurt or feeling pain
- having little or no support from friends, family or professionals
- dealing with extra stress at the same time, such as bereavement or money worries
- previously experiencing anxiety or depression.
Anyone can experience traumatic events, but you may be particularly likely to have experienced trauma if you:
- work in a high-risk occupation, such as the emergency services or armed forces
- are a refugee or asylum seeker
- were taken into foster care.
What is complex PTSD?
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as:
- difficulty controlling your emotions
- feeling very hostile or distrustful towards the world
- constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
- feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless
- feeling as if you are completely different to other people
- feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you
- avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult
- often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation
- regular suicidal feelings.
If you have complex PTSD you may be particularly likely to experience what some people call an ’emotional flashback’, in which you have intense feelings that you originally felt during the trauma, such as fear, shame, sadness or despair. You might react to events in the present as if they are causing these feelings, without realising that you are having a flashback.
What causes complex PTSD?
The types of traumatic events that can cause complex PTSD include:
- childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment
- ongoing domestic violence or abuse
- repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse
- being forced to become a sex worker
- torture, kidnapping or slavery
- being a prisoner of war.
You are more likely to develop complex PTSD if:
- you experienced trauma at an early age
- the trauma lasted for a long time
- escape or rescue were unlikely or impossible
- you have experienced multiple traumas
- you were harmed by someone close to you.