While the world is scrambling around trying hard to find some kind of normaililty in their lives with this coronavirus pandemic, having to figure out how to start coping with “Social Distancing” Time has stood still for me. No changes, No nothing, Life is “I” know it, well, it’s still the same for me. And it leads me to wonder, but I do a whole lot of that, wondering. I wonder how my kids are, I wonder about my mom and my dad, my family, ya know aunts, uncles and cousins, who has been affected, if anyone in my family has found their fate with this horrible thing this world is experiencing.
I think to myself with all this hysteria, …over toliet paper, no doubt (rolls eyes), “the world just wouldn’t make it in MY world, living MY life’ How could you? All of you are screaming “I’m bored” ….ALREADY..and it just been a couple, few weeks, …a month at most. What would the world do if they had to fill these size 3 kids shoes and be all kinds of grown up???
As I’m putting on my make up for my second call through all of this, both regulars, mind you..I’m having to choke back the tears that start streaming down my face, silently…coming out of no where. But I’ve seemed to have gotten used to realizing the tears when I go to put my base make up on. Stopping the flow and choking the tears back, well, that too, is the same. As I’ve said, nothing has changed for me. I’ve been putting my make up on, silentily crying for a few years now. Again, sitting and wondering just how the world would make it living in my shoes? Alone, home, in a nice comfy jail cell, trapped within your own mind. And as i wondered in my head those words, I suddenly realized and…again…wondered is this like what Demetia is gonna be like, remembering my grandmother that I took after with her height and small tiny pettite frame..and her shoe size. I expect to get Demetia at an older age, but it’s almost like I have it now.
See, i don’t talk to anyone, there’s no “life line” for me. No one calls my real phone, No family no real world friends. My kids haven’t called to check on me. And well, with my youngest turning 18, both are now adults, making their own choices. And I guess I happened to just not be one of those choices, though my youngest, i don’t know if i could ever get over what happened 5 years ago now. So…maybe it’s best I don’t know. But …I guess I just sit back and respect, respect their wishes.
As I walk to the mirror, to give my final check. Try force a small smile, and come out with a forced half grin. Looking…I don’t reconignize the person that stares back at me. As the tearas flow again, my soul screaming out, screaming out so loud..all within. These screams are never heard, only my soul and mind. as I my whole being just sits and begs, craves human connection, another soul that just is kind and warm inside.
This person that you see and tell me is all beautiful…I don’t understand, how could I be? Because all I see is just damaged goods. Collateral Damage, A product of the worlds hate, and judgement, As I sit tucked in my corner, in my nice little comfy jail cell, and just let the world pass on by, in this hysteria crazed demon infested world. It’s just how I see the world these days, thankful that I have no part of such vain greed that has overcome. Again as I sit back and wonder, what would the world do if they had to fill my shoes, and walk this lonesome journey of mine??? As I just shake my head and tell myself, they might as well, just dig their own graves, and fall right on in. They wouldn’t make it, nawww… the world would not know how to JUST EXIST, the world would not know what it’s like this hell the world has forced upon me. by their judgements and blood turning on their own blood. Wouldn’t have a clue. The world seems to filled with so many….Almighty Gods, taking the power in their own hands. The world would never be able to function in this life that the world has made it to become.
Imagine, in your “dire” staits, and crazed adjustments, if you can’t handle a week or two or even three or four …then you be able to take and live THREE YEARS …MORE THAN THREE YEARS NOW….hell, the world can’t even fathom the thought of no toliet paper. But yet, I”m just a forgotten one, as I remember, about a year and a half now…I was told that because my top dentures were stolen from me, by a visitor who thought if was fun to take from “a whore’ …that I wasnt worth the dinner date that was offered. I wonder now, since the world has been knocked down a few notches…more closer to my notch now, I wonder how the world would feel now? Would this situation make the world see what the world placed upon me. Again, shaking my head, as I answer myself, no, the world can’t see past the hate, judgement and greed, they are still fighting in the lines, just to get bread. I wonder would the world even care to know, that I ONLY got a bag of white beans and a bag of rice to prepare. so that i can stretch the food so i can eat on it a few days.
Seems like I’m no good, not good enough anyways…centering myself around my now job just to be able to barely scape by. While the world is fretting over losing jobs, no money, losing their homes…again, life hasnt changed for me. Let me ask, how was Christmas did you enjoy a nice hot Christmas mean? ….I didn’t ..it was nothing that I went THREE DAYS HUNGRY for Christmas, as the world sat at their dinner tables and blessed their meals. My prayers didn’t get answered by God this past Christmas, while the world says their fake unhonest blessings and prayers. You wanna know what I got as a present AGAIN, ONE MORE CHRISTMAS, JUST LIKE THE CHRISTMAS BEFORE LAST??? i’m sure you don’t want to hear “my whine” Again…my presents were entitlements and expectations to take. Take from what I haven’t a clue yet. There’s no more to take from.
Wrapping myself around a job so judged by those “better than us” I wonder, how would the world feel to be in a store, trying to buy their underwear and socks. Going to the check out line, with your money in hand, to pay for your essential needs, only to be told “we don’t sell our merchandise to sex workers, we don’t care to have that filth in here” Another turned back, all from judgement, and that “holier than thou” attitude. How the world feel with this spewed hate that my life has found. Not being able to use the very things that they can. Martin Luther King Jr would be so disappointed had he still be alive. The only difference in this world from back then as we “celebrate his life and what he stood for” a fake celebration I might add, the hate has only shifted among those that are just “goody goody too shoes” as I was the world evolve and feed on this infected hate.
For those that may think or even say the words outloud “you are brave, you are strong, you are the strongest person I know” Keep that bullshit to yourselves please. As you too have forced this “act” of strength upon me. As I have grown tired….tired and weary…tired of “acting” stronger than what I am. Tired and weary of being the “lean on” person, when I’m left with no one to lean on myself. How did “I’ become the one so look up to and dependent upon? i can’t understand, how you figured my worth and value as a temporary stand. You’ve cast aside, and shown me just how valueable my life to you is, as you continue to steal my only means of survival left at hand. When you steal my pictures and not by the more kinker porn to have. You’d rather leave me for the wolves, not even realizing that this person ….IS A WOLF, A GREY WOLF AT THAT, A LONESOME WOLF WITHOUT A PACK TO CALLL HER OWN!!!
My fault I guess, as I made people important to me, cared too much, showed they had value in the friendships, or so called friendship i made…to married men with wives and girlfriends. to those who keep their distance far away…only called upon when desires are hot and need to met. imagine this…a sex worker that has NO SEX. Seems like my speciality is thought of and never a wonder or clue to the specialisties this person has. Never touched in a way that my soul yearns for. Imagine if the world was to live the life of a sex addict, going from 3 to 5 times a day, every day….to …maybe once a week by a personal who keeps their distance, showing no emtion. imagine how the world would feel, would the world feel as I REALLY FEEL>??? no I tell myself again, the world is too blind to see or feel what i see and feel.
The double standard lives that your worlds have become in your pointed judgement and feared hate that is so thick, that it can’t even be cut through with it’s own double edged sword, I have but one question, I can’t but to ask. Those that pushed and demanded bareback sex, and now acting as kinds of concern for your life and your loved ones lives, WHAT’S THE FUCKEN DIFFERENCE? I have t o wonder…again…in my lonesome head…is it because you can see one….and you can’t see the other. is it because it’s silent….THAT IT IS FORGOTTEN AND NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY…FORGOTTEN AND CAST ASIDE HOLDING NO VALUE OR WORTH..JUST LIKE WHAT’S BEEN DONE TO ME???? WHY IS IT NOW, YOUR LIFE HAS BECOME MORE VALUABLE THAN BEFORE???
I’ve learned when the world speaks one sided out their mouths, to look and WATCH the opposite way…the world can’t tell the difference in their own lives and they spill a new borns runny shit like a river flowing, a dam opening by the mouth of the mississippi when they go to speak. The world as I see it, as I watch and I have been tagged as damaged good, judgement placed…the world has made their own bed of fate, but now, even the forgotten and tossed ones aside has to lay in the same bed of fate alone side even though, my judgement came long before this fated day. …..I wonder….how does the world feel now as its reaps what it sows???????
with the tears flowing down my face ….for me… i’m not afraid of coronavirus as the world is…i wont die from that virus..naw..not me…i dont have human contact you see….i fear dieing alone, in this lonely trapped state of mind. with no one caring to see, days…maybe weeks later finding this lonley little person after she’s gone. Depression….THE FORGOTTEN FIRST DEADLY SILENT KILLER…WHILE THE WORLDS BUSY IN THEIR HYSTERIA STATE OF MIND!!!
Ps one thing ive learned through all of this…HUMILITY…IN THE REAL SENSE OF THE WORD, HOW TO BE MORE HUMBLE HOW TO TURN A BEATEN BRUISED CHEEK AND ALLOW THE OTHER BEATEN BRUISED CHEEK TO BE TAKE MORE…AND….AND GET ON TWITTER EVERY MORNING..JUST SAYING “GOOD MORNING EVERYONE” …HOW TO BE MORE HUMBLE…THE WORLD NEEDS MORE HUMILITY LESS HATRED AND GREED AND JUDGEMENTS!!!
OH AND FOR THOSE COMPLAINING “IM BORED” BECOME A SEX WORKER, I PROMISE YOU’LL HAVE MORE THAN PLENTY TIME WASTED
CAN YOU NOW SEE THRU MY EYES ..AN OUTSIDERS EYES?? CAN YOU NOW SEE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE THAN THE ENTITLED PERSPECTIVES YOU SEE THRU???? PROBABLY NOT I WOULDNT EXPECT IT, it’s just so amazing to me, how the world can not handle what’s become of them, can not handle being given the exact same judgement as the world handed to me. Again, they are still “too good” and “undeserving” of the same judgements they gave to me….how poetic in my eyes…poetic justice….
ALL IN YOUR HYPROCRITIC WAYS “DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT DONE TO YOUUUU!!!!” SUCH A SHAME HOW THE WORLD REAPS WHAT IT HAS SOWN, EVEN MY OWN FAMILY AND CHILDREN!!!! EVEN MY OLDEST, A MAN 31 YEARS OLD CLAIMS CHRISTIANITY…BUT YET, CAST HIS MOTHER ASIDE NO WORTH OR VALUE..MY YOUNGEST, I SURE HAD NO VALUE IN HIS EYES AS THE ENTITLEMENTS GOT THE BEST OF HIM WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO KILL HIS OWN MOTHER AT 11 AND 12…AND NOOWWWW….NOW LIVES ARE NOW BECOMING VALUABLE NOW???? HMMMMM
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