The Long Term Trauma I Now Face

Other than you current living situation how do you feel?

U seem like your mind is clear.

Happy thoughts etc.

The last month you didn’t seem to have any issues other than your living situation.

I have my moments I think honestly speaking Henry is pressing me and I’m not doing well with it he’s in his probing way too much it’s feeling invasive in violating to me because I cannot explain to him as much as he wants to know and tries to wants to try to understand it’s hard for me to be able to explain this kind of trauma to people who have never been in an abused situation I guess

I know san antonio tx didn’t treat you well. Just wanted to make sure you were making the right decision for yourself. Thats a.

Not as bad I still sleep at the light on I don’t see that going away anytime soon

I umm still do my crying …

Adjusting trying to interact with others right now it’s been difficult

I find that I’m having a problem with being able to relate to others now and people or expecting me to be the person that I was and I am so aprilized I am not even close to being that person anymore that’s something I try not to think about because it’s that upsetting to me I can’t take a lot of stimulation I realized and noticed

I don’t feel comfortable talking about my situation with men other than like you I guess Owen because you would been there with me through the whole time but I don’t feel comfortable talking to men about what men have done to me and I tend to get jittery I find myself doing so and I’m not comfortable with it why would I be and I can’t get that through to others at this point

Sexually I not even there except for you I guess cuz I’m comfortable with you I guess cuz I know you I’m close with you you know what I mean it’s I haven’t even masturbated this whole month to be honest so without in mind I work I don’t know I am not sure how I’m going to take that

Honestly I guess I already know that I only give head so it’s not going to be like so much for me as it may be for another woman you know what I’m saying

Workwise I’m more distant it’s going to be harder to for others to try to see me now

That might pose a problem with money-wise I’m finding though that those that are very genuine about it will send their ID and have without saying the thing about it

My rules are going to be stricter I’m for sure and I’m definitely not going to take any more shit I’m not even going to feed into it I won’t be having any social media that I think is a very big part of what I was going through the social media and also the exploitation of my blogs so I’ll be keeping to myself quite often quite a bit I don’t see me changing the way I have been this month let’s say I guess

Also I have a I seem to I seem to be able to interact better with her with others that have gone through a similar situation like mine Jack for example he hears voices instead of sounds that I hear in my ear okay

Just wanted to make sure your head was in the right place.

I’m able to be on that level and understand that he may not be talking to me that he may be talking to whatever he’s hearing and I understand that I get that because I’m hearing crickets all the time I’m hearing a squeaky wheel all the time or like that one time I was hearing a submarine noises so I kind of get that and I’m able to understand and be on that level.

And I’m being honest with you

You asked I’m answering I don’t have a problem with it

I’m telling you what I’ve noticed I’m explaining what I’ve seen in myself lately

That’s why I like what I was talking about Jack for example I can interact with him better now than I can with others it’s because nobody can understand the situation like this unless you actually live it and I’m having a hard time with interacting with others that haven’t

I’ve also noticed that my eating habits are way off because of going hungry for so much I am it’s embarrassing for me because I’ve noticed I eat I don’t even chew my food I’ll swallow it whole even if I’m eating like here recently I’ve been eating kind of regular and even if I’m eating pretty regular I’m still noticing myself swallowing food whole

I’m content with one or two people around me any more than that or any more than any loud noises I’m very sensitive to noise and sound I’m really really sensitive to that

I’m still hypersensitive and I still jump at just about everything. Some of it though some of the sounds I’m starting to be used to maybe I’ve been in a new place I’ll probably jump again like I was before I’m hoping when I get used to the noises that it won’t be so bad

I’m realizing the more that I distant myself away from others who are just in regular real life are a limit let me reword that I think limit would be a better word limit myself away from so many people at one time I seem to do better

So it’s going to be a long process I guess I’ll never be the same that one I haven’t faced with I haven’t dealt with yet every time I think about it i cry because I miss that person A LOT

And it really hurts me that people say to me that I’m not the same person no disappointed and they’re expecting somebody that I’m not no more and that hurts me a lot that that’s really hard for me to deal with because

Just as much as everybody’s missing that old Michelle well so am I know and I don’t think anybody really thinks about it and that way

Sounds like you have a plan and that’s good.

Just like Glynn throwing it up in my face about how I was 15 years ago I I’ve lost a lot of my memory because of what I’ve gone through. So it’s very hard for me to deal with all the memory loss that I have.

Well I like I said I guess if I limit myself away from discussing much or away I don’t know I guess with work work-wise I am not going to be answering any emails I’m not going to be you they’re going to have to go through the site and they’re going to have to pay that screening fee and they’re going to have to do everything by the fucking book or I will not give a moment to notice I won’t do it I refuse.

Simply put Henry said something yesterday about I got a lot going on and simply put is the way I told him I said no I said I don’t have a lot going on the only fight that I’ve been fighting is

It’s simply about a man’s respect toward a woman that’s it

And they’re going to fucking respect me or I won’t give a fucking a blink in my eye toward it because I’m trying not to hate men but I’m angry

Yeah I admit that I’m angry I’m very angry about it and I should be I’m supposed to be

Because men took away my life not only men come to find out if it’s women as well but I’m also angry at the fact that because I would not see someone again or I turned others down that they felt they had a right to do what they did to me and that makes me really angry

I guess in a way I honestly speaking about you….

You in particular I am you know the only thing left I am comfortable with you seem to be once keeping me from completely hating men really you keeping me stable about that one. If I didn’t have you in my life right now just show me any kind of difference I wouldn’t be able to see because it would be so blurry between on the monster and the man. Because I see men as monsters first now until I’m shown that there are men instead of a monster and honestly speaking I expect any and every man to at one point in time or another show me that they’re a monster instead I’ll never be comfortable with it now man because I’ll always expect a man to turn into a monster I also realized that I can’t sleep next to a man take for example and I’m just throwing this out there just for comparison sake you yeah probably could maybe not all night I don’t know I might be even comfortable with you but I know like with Larry that guy that was here helping us clean I know that was a no-go he had to get out the bed and he and I just I got up and got into the chair I wasn’t going to go to sleep next to him that wasn’t I was adamant about it I won’t go to sleep comfortably next to a man and I don’t know if that’s going to be for the rest of my life or for a while but that ain’t going to happen that’s no absolutely not.

So it’s not really that I hate men it’s that I hate what they did to me more specifically.

I don’t trust a mother fucker as far as I can throw him and I can’t pick him up unless I’m fucking pissed off that’s when I can pick up a man off his feet

So I won’t trust that’s pretty much gone as well.

The streets got me the street spelling got me I’m probably too hard from the street life from the way I’ve been treated to pretty much ever have a relationship correctly I don’t see any man having the kind of patience that I’m going to need with me to allow me to be comfortable with another man beside you again all these realizations yeah they’re hard they’re very hard.

This life has ruined me for much of anything else. With a man with someone new let’s say that it would take me a long long time for me to even it would be a long process for me to even get comfortable around a man work wise I guess I don’t know…

AS LONG AS I’M NOT FUCKING TOLD THAT I NEED TO MAKE MYSELF LIKE IT A MAN WON’T HAVE A PROBLEM BUT IF I HEAR THAT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I’M GOING TO END UP TRYING TO KILL SOMEBODY AND THAT’S THE HONEST TO GODS TRUTH.

I better not ever hear another man tell me I need to make myself like raping myself I will come up off and hurt him or try to I Will not bow down like I did with Glenn that day I will tell you that much that much I do know that I I absolutely do know with everything about me I know that much.

So Henry had said something yesterday that he would be kind of scared of me because of the triggers I do know that because I was violated while I was asleep that I don’t don’t try to wake me up and you know I probably freak you know if I didn’t know you were around me or whatever that could probably I probably try to come up and grab a knife or something if I knew you were around you know or that person was around or whatever then I probably wouldn’t go to that extreme but I sleep at my knives more now than I was before.

So you know I guess I’m shrugging my shoulders right now

I don’t really know if that’s progress or not I guess.

I guess I wish I could understand why just why I’m really wish I can understand why and I guess that’s never going to be answered for me. How can people be so helpful how why I never did nothing nobody why did they take my life away from me.

Yeah started crying on that one why I can’t even say no why why why was I hurt so fucking bad. Why didn’t anybody listen why didn’t anybody stop it’s just like being raped over and over and over and fucking again and again and again and just why didn’t anybody just stop and listen to me why didn’t anybody fucking care enough to stop and listen to me and stop hurting me why

And that I know will never be answered for me I guess out of minutes selfishness because they wanted a fucking blowjob yeah I turns me off from giving blowjobs now you know it really does I got hurt over been giving blowjobs…

you have no idea what it does to me to know that I’ve been hurt over a fucking blowjobs it’s like that’s so disbelief for me I took away all my enjoyment of everything and used it as a weapon hurt me that’s fucked up and now people want to know why I’m not interested in sex but well men don’t want to stop hurting all morning and doing those things so I don’t know how to answer those people who ask those men that I ask and want to know why well and my answer is quit hurting women and maybe I wouldn’t be like I am I don’t know how to answer that I’m I stutter because what the fuck is it I mean there is a cause and effect well here’s the effect from what’s been caused

If I ever was an experiment well here’s the outcome of that experiment

Because you know I’m often said I thought that I wasn’t experiment or at least I felt like I was.

And I’m not trying to and I wouldn’t try to be bringing it up in any kind of way like before now it’s different now it’s just simply trying to understand where you were at the time so I can understand why some things happened the way they did I think that’s what it’s about now it’s just so that I can have some peace of mind and so that I can put the pieces of all this together and figure a lot out so that I can put it all to rest or try to put it all the rest the best way I can finally

so it wouldn’t it definitely wouldn’t be like it was early this year it was it would be trying to heal okay and it wouldn’t be any other way.

I realized that you’re involvement in your part of that wasn’t part of the group effort and that’s what the problem was earlier this year was I was trying to be able to differentiate of who this part of what and I didn’t know how to ask and I guess that’s why I needed and had asked for some kind of help on your identification just so that I could not be so confused anymore the confusion really made me lose a lot of my memory the trauma from all that may mean lose a lot of my memory things are vague for me

I’m really want to put that part to rest I really am truly want that tonight be there for me anymore and you know I guess there’s nothing I can do about it and I just wished it but I just wished it would have never happened like that I tegret a lot I regret all that between us I regret it so bad.

I really do regret all that because we were pretty fucking close we were when we’re going on that we were there we were you know so regret it all of it. And also without a shadow of a doubt had work not been involved like that neither one of us would have gotten hurt like that none of this whatever happened a matter of fact not none of it not like it did not and something else may have happened who knows but this situation would have never happened I had not others been fucking with shit that’s another thing I’m sure of. But others been involved that’s not going to happen again that’s why the least communication the least amount of having anything to do with work but having to work is what the what the well I’m going for because I do better away from that like that I do better away from the social media I do better away from all the suggestions and persuasions and cuz I’m easily impressionable I’m easy I’m easily persuaded as well

I hope I didn’t get you riled up. I was just asking.

Going into the new year none of the old issues should hold us down.

No honey not at all baby

No baby I’m actually very calm very

A and I guess that’s why I’m going and doing these changes that I’m doing for within work wise. Because 2 years in Row i said things would be different but I needed to know what was going on in order for things to be different right in order to figure out and stop what was going on I had to figure it out and that’s what this year for me was about really.

it was figuring out what the fuck was going on so I can at least be aware of it or try to stop it or whatever it was that I was going to do but the first step was me knowing exactly what was going on so that I could do my part and not having it happen again.

You realize I’m not jumping back into it like talking about right. That right there that’s going to that that is what’s bothering me out of everything I think is wrong and situation at that point I really really do not want it I’m trying my damnedest to try to figure out and do my best to not have that happen again I I’m worried about that but I guess that’s the only be normal I don’t know that part I am scared of I don’t want that to happen again but not what I want. So I guess I’m more worried about the fluctuation is everything work and I know that comes with the territory just like I know it comes with the construction territory it is winter you know I know that part. I do worry about that I can’t lie but I don’t know I think maybe if I keep quiet and all that other stuff ain’t going on I think it’ll be a more positive deal than before at least I’m hoping anyways. A I feel like but more positive from me just not saying nothing at least I feel like it has I’ve had people actually following through with the screening Foreman my request you know

I think I’ve made a few very good big steps I think I have I hope I have. I really believe that when I realized about the religious or spiritual significance of it all is when it started breaking all for me when it started all coming together that’s when I started to be able to see things a lot more clearly when that hit me that day. I believe that was actually the start of it for me right then. Area I’ll also be taking steps about my phone and computer my devices I’ll be making some changes on that part too about leaving people alone in my home so that also is going to take place. And it’s the small little things that is going to make the difference taking steps to protect myself protect my life protect my private life that’s going to make the difference. Believe me baby the last thing I want isn’t any kind of repeat of anything that has happened this year that’s a fact definite fact. I’ve only believe I’m coming back to change person a different person I think this month is actually done using good a whole lot of good,

How do I feel that I still don’t know come to think about it have you thoughts more like let’s see just just trying to make it second by second instead of day by day right now I guess I want to be happy I guess I don’t know exactly how to feel on what Michelle wants to feel because I’ve been told about what I should feel everything about my life so much that I’m not quite sure on that one yet

I remember Patty in California telling me and I am at this point I’m not quite sure on anything but I’m very sure on what is it that I feel that I may want or whatever but I know what I don’t want I’m very sure about that one I know exactly what I don’t want and then some I don’t want to be hurting no more I don’t want all of what’s been going on anymore it’s been happening for almost 4 years it’s just progressed until what it got this year and I don’t want none of that at all I want to be able to just work well I do know something I want there we go hey that’s great

I want to be able to have a job to where I can just work and just like everybody else just do my job and go on with my life and my personal life I want this separation I’ve been wanting that one but yeah and then on top of that and I think this is what’s going to help me a whole lot too because when I found that law and the recommendation about from the attorneys on that site stating that you should do no more than two types of sex work that did everything for me. I know I’m expecting to go through the process that process includes the anger and the whole thing that you know the whole cycle so unexpected that it won’t big as b as big as a hit for me on that part of the healing because I already know the cycle of healing what happens so I’m fully aware of what’s going to take place you know with that part

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