The Men In My Life

The Men In My Life

April 17th, 2021 10:47 a.m.

Of course when I was in the shower this morning it came to me that I was now ready to write about Tristan. I’ve written about the other men in my life. Even though that they haven’t been released yet. He’s the only one I haven’t spoken about in my writings. Probably because we were still seeing each other on and off and I was still…well…you’ll find out as you read on….

It also occurred to me that’s this story really wasn’t about me like people had been making me to believe that it is. But rather it’s the men that have been in surrounding my life that have played a big part, no I want to rephrase that…that have played every part in my life, matter of fact. literally speaking. And then of course the title came to me, appropriately named “The Men In My Life.”

……. I can still remember when he walked into the door. A gorgeous black man. Well dressed, well mannered. To me, just stunning. I just kind of looked at him there for a moment and took him in. The sex was awesome. For being with someone for the first time with someone, surprisingly we were in sync. He was behind me, my legs closed. He was real close and tight,…at one point, he went to wrap his hand around my throat….AND I LET HIM! For me that was huge. Nobody at that point knew about anything about my past, what I’ve been through. Nobody knew…But for me, I knew. 

I knew it wasn’t long before I had just been released from a full steel collar, as a full slave. I knew the reason why. I knew the situation with losing my son, it had done a huge number on me, strained the relationship really bad and we agreed together it was best to release. After that split and my child at the same time, I wasn’t able to feel anything at all at that time. I guess that’s why it was easy for me to work, I could with no emotions as there was none. I could tell someone that I cared, and I knew I did, because of the way I knew I was. But to actually feel emotions. No, not at that point anyways. 

I don’t know what it was, the way he wrapped his hand my throat, maybe. He was sure, but yet I could tell, he was testing.  I don’t know, things were so in sync, it just felt right….and I let him. It was after that, from behind he whispers in my right ear, “You’re going to be my sub.”  I didn’t put too much into those words. Not at that point, I know how men are. I know the lines and I know what they whisper in the heat of the moment. But THAT moment, yeah, it was hawt. Right off. 

As he was about to leave. He said take my number down. I said ok cool. I did and I asked him, “What do I call you?”  “Mr. Tristan,” he said.  That was July 2017. My first Backpage ad. And even though, I remember that day like it’s today. That just seems 2 million ago. So much has happened. It’s just way too much. Everything …I didn’t know. How could I? Ya know, I was just mom. I was just a struggling mom. Trying to figure out what happened with that situation. I still can’t understand it all. 

Since coming to Texas. Every dream that I had, no longer exist. Just crushed. Every one of them. I don’t even “dream” anymore. Why? When they are always getting crushed. I never knew. I never could understand what was going on around me. None of it made sense. …I was so so innocent. So naive. So gullible, so fucking trusting…just trying to make my way. Trying to sort it out. Just like everyone else, ya know. 

By the time him and I met up, I already gone through so much already. It was never ending. That I couldn’t understand either. It was a new place, new people. There was never any time to think. To reflect. I had lost everything. That affected me bad. All I brought with me was all my keepsakes. Ya know, baby books of both of my kids and mine. Ya know, stuff you can’t ever replace. First year Christmas ornaments, my grandmother’s 90-year-old wedding band. Just up and disappears one day. Gone. No trace, no explanation….no nothing. Nothing but bullshit. Just swirling bullshit. Never any straight answers. ….Just game…..and extortion. Supposedly some gun disappeared in between my stuff disappearing. And I ended up getting the blame for it. I Was extorted for $900, gave her $700. 

I started here with him, the second personal man in my life because he has been a constant person since the beginning, for most part. There’s no way to leave him out. And even though every person has a specific role they played, and a special place. Tristen… I’ve loved the most, trusted and confided in the most, was loyal to the most…and unfortunately got hurt by the most. (With tears falling down my check as I type this.) What makes the huge difference in this world between him and everyone else, I gave him my “Gift.”  That gift? My life, I gave him my life, my slavery within the BDSM Lifestyle. I trusted THAT much in him. I gave him what he said he wanted. My submission. When sub/slave submits, there is NO turning back once it’s done. It’s an ALL OR NOTHING deal. So when I submitted, gave my “Gift of life,” it was all in, for me. That’s why it’s so important to know exactly what you are asking for and expecting. Because it’s so deep for us on this side. 

How was he to know that I was going to surprise him with my gift that night? It was a surprise. For being so patient with all the “crap” that constantly surround. I told him I wanted to give him something for his patience and care for me. How was he supposed to know that I was going to surprise him with giving him my gift? It was a surprise. The gift of my life I was preparing to give. The words he spoke to me right before, when I told him he can have anything he wanted. He told me he wanted to bury me and and drown me. Even as that made me shudder and shake in fear, I trusted him to hold me dear. Within 5 minutes of going to the store and back, I didn’t hear another word from him as I gave the gift of my life up to him. Loyal and dedicated I’ve been no matter what was done to me. I still gave and gave my life from within. And I would have done any of everything for him. To ease and settle whatever was rocking him inside. I know now, that’s just something that was impossible to do. Such as a sacrifice, I give my life up, leaving myself so open, so vulnerable, literally giving all of my life up to him. How ironic…I gave life, and life was taken from me.

I don’t know what it is about men and their abuse. Let me rephrase that for you, ok. Their “control”  I’ve spoiled all the men in my life. Give them what they want, give them MORE. It doesn’t matter I already know what’s going to happen in the end. See for me, I’ll spoil the shit out of you. UP until the time where ya really hurt me. Start treating me bad, or start EXPECTING what I give OUT OF MY HEART. See, it’s a gift. It’s what I enjoy giving to bring a smile. I like the surprise; the happiness is genuine. It’s real. I enjoy that part, just doing a little something something, whatever that is to make the workday go by better. To let you know I’m think about you. How special you are and how much I appreciate you. I guess I realized after all these years why. Because the “prize.” After getting the prize, there’s no respect. Just done with it. 

Ya see, after there’s been too much pain. It just gets to the point, no matter how much you still love a person. After so much forgiveness and so many times that forgiveness is taking to continue. 3 personal men in my life. Back-to-back to back. All did the same thing “How did I fucking manage to do THAT one?” I ask myself. 

April 21, 2021 6:00 PM 

Yet again in the shower, I’m able to clear my head and think for myself and not with all the surrounding chaos around. Interesting thoughts,  I think to myself. Very interesting characteristics, you see. But hell, how was I supposed to know? I think back long long time ago, back to when I was 19. And I just go, “WOW! yep there it is! Signs were all there!” 

We’ll go back to that in a little while. So, let’s talk about the first man in my life since arriving in San Antonio. “Captain Save-a-heaux” that he is. Right after all my stuff was stolen we ended up meeting. I met him off of AFF. So we go for a bike ride. Comes up on 883 Harley. So we take us to ride, and I showed him when I’m about smiling face with horns. It’s definitely something he will never forget! See there is a reason why I love to ride bitch seat. Not only is that my place and I make it my place, but here’s the reason why it’s MY place. I love to play while I’m on the back of Harley. I was playing so much he got to where he was fucking his tank which is something I’ve never seen before! Needless to say I had gotten him all excited. So he takes me out to Canyon Lake. While on the side of the road I kneel to my knees in front of God, and everybody pull his dick out and start sucking it. We were in a curve I can remember. I don’t know what was around me. I wasn’t paying attention. I was preoccupied and needless to say. I can remember the car is passing but of course like I said I didn’t pay a mind. I was busy doing what I do. ME! smiling face with horns 

See I had told him before, I don’t use words to speak. I just do things and I’ll let you know in my actions what’s on my mind. And I had told him that was a complete total slut. He didn’t believe neither until that day. Needless to say I made a believer out of him after all was said and done. 

It was right after that I had come to realize that my situation wasn’t so forth right and pleasant for me. And after spending all night long trying to find a way out with hard legs that just wanted to talk about jerking off while being on the phone not doing me any good either way. I kind of had no choice it is the only other one I can think of the only one I knew at the time. I finally found a ride out of spring Branch and got a hold of him he told me to meet him at Chili’s or an Applebee’s. At that point I can’t remember I was so stressed. How is I supposed to know he had a Porsche. We barely got my bags and that little car. And off we went. He brought me to some motel, I don’t know where. I couldn’t tell you because I wasn’t from here. Besides the stress. So after a great round of sex we sat down and talked he gave me a week to try to figure out what was going to happen and what I was going to do. I had to get ahead on my shoulders I knew called community services in this and that and the other. So after he left that’s what I set off to do make my plans for the upcoming day and wrote an as usual all day on paper. Making my to do list. 

More great rounds of sex during that week. ….

Today is April 29th at 6:04 p.m.

you know after today’s events I can’t continue this story because the story always ends up the same. One after the other after the other after the other starts off great sex all high, great, and just gives you a lift after 4 years, four long years, 4 years of given to three men total in my life in my personal life. 4 years of giving every man every part of me throughout this whole job and four years of nothing but takers who just continue to take. 

This last one up here that I was talking about, the one I went on that bike ride with. yeah what happened there June of 2018 coming back from Houston he wants to flip the car over on the interstate after of which he did not accomplish that he threatened to put me in to the trunk of the car and a year later he comes back around and ask for my forgiveness. I had paid him $700 for my very first website he wanted to make right he said. It’s all the same…. In the end he made worse than making right because in the end I went to Missouri with him in October. Two weeks later, I got sent back and lost all of my stuff because I wouldn’t have sex with him. So he got mad and pissy and made an excuse to not send the rest of my stuff to me which includes my logo and the dress he gave me for my birthday one year along with all the other stuff that was special to me. 

It’s all the same, it ends all the same one by one by one. It all ends the same. December I went to Natchez Mississippi told I would be safe. because I wouldn’t give him head and I wanted to take a break away from sex and being forced by coercion to have sex I wanted to be able to find me for a change I get put out on the side of the road, my clothes literally taken off my back, put into a trailer full of nothing but trash, with five rats, broken windows and no water a whore with no whore bath. If I wasn’t going to have his free slave and clean his house and be his free whore, he was going to make sure that I would be living in EXACTLY WHAT HE THOUGHT OF ME.

With this last one today, with his milky chocolate skin I’m going to miss him the most. But what I’m NOT going to miss is the lie that he told me, the facade the mask, the person that he’s not. How do you come to grips with falling in love with nothing but a lie. It’s hard to to let go of something that just was never there in the first place. 

I really hope this man has moved on.. Because I’m tired of being preyed, just seen as as an easy target for predators and honestly speaking…..

I truly have a sense of Peace within myself . I’m just really tired. 4 years being told I’m crazy by those who just fake and make me crazy. 4 years of knowing something just isn’t right just does something just doesn’t sit right because I’m an empath I know these things I know them, and it puts me on high alert I act funny because I KNOW… I know…. I act funny because it’s unsettling to feel and no when someone’s not being right with me it is very unsettling in my gut you see. So this is why I act all weird, different, and strange when you are around. Because I know I know of all of my “KNOWS” I know that you’re not being straight with me. and you can lie, or you won’t but one lie after the other I know you’re lying I don’t need to know the details I know what you’re up to all of you. Keep trying to fool me and empath sensors tells us, and it goes off on high alert when it comes to being around those that do not have right intentions. 

I believe after this I want to take a break from men. I’m truly tired of men just telling me that it’s me I want to feel this peace that I feel right now again I don’t want to be unsettling when I’m around someone I’m truly just plain out done. But here’s the funny thing…with all those threats saying that I’m going to be alone I am so happy finally because you’ve seen there’s a difference when you truly love yourself you’re happy to be alone. You would rather be alone than be with a million people who are doing nothing but carrying a facade and a mask. I truly just don’t want to be around those that tend to be fake. I don’t want to be around those that want to hurt me anymore. I don’t want to be around or controller who has to tell me that I’m not in control of my life and those that are taking over my life they’re not in control of my life either hell they’re not even in control of their own. So really and truly I just want to take a break from men all the way around for a while. Yes to heal I need to heal from all this hurt I can do it. 

The one thing that’s really gets to me in boggles my head, is someone that tells me that I need to go seek help…never offers to take me anywhere outside of this room like I’m truly a disgrace to him…. But yet when I say hey why don’t you take me instead he’s all up for it. If I would have let him do this to me. My first memory of us being together out of this room where to bring me to The battered women’s shelter.. Never taking me out of this room or any other room for that matter. But ready right then and there to take me my abuser bringing me to the battered women’s shelter. I sure didn’t see that going over so well for the shelter. Did you so knowing whether shelter would be no, no thank you. I went and put any other ladies at risk. 

I want to give you a secret, shhhh it’s just between you and me…. Whatever negative energies you get from me whatever uneasiness you feel for me…. I want you to realize it’s not me that you see….nor feel.. that uneasiness and that instant hatred for me…. It’s not me that you hate.. because you are not seeing me, you are seeing the direct reflection of what you hate inside you. I make you an easy because you see your true self from within. And you instantly hate me because I showed you who you really are by just reflecting you off of me……

To end, it’s time for me to walk away from the abuse. From those that have no remorse for the things they’ve done…it’s time for me to be me finally. And while everybody hounds me about what I am about and what I’m not that really truly don’t even want to know. Purple and all the negative instead of finding anything positive. My light radiates all around…it’s the darkness those bring to me that cloud me and leave me in the state of confusion. It’s time for me to take time…FOR ME, you see. I have loved all of you so unconditionally. It’s time for me to do the same…FOR ME, you see. 

I only pray that each and every one of you come to find acceptance within yourself. That is the only way you will truly find happiness in your life. If you cannot be comfortable in your own skin, nothing else will ever give you that piece that you seek and hope for. I don’t hate, I don’t hate that such a strong word. I hate to behavior I hate the hurt I hate the sickness, and I hate the pain, but I don’t hate the person. No matter who that person really made me. I just wish you well and hope that you find but no matter how hard it is to look yourself in the mirror. There’s only one way to find that true happiness that all of you seek. I know I had to go through the exact same thing myself. But when you shed the skin and you look within no matter what you find no matter how much it hurts…when you come to grips and you come to terms with that monster inside…you actually free yourself from within. You empower yourself. That’s when you are truly in control of yourself. That’s when you can break free from those chains that bind. It took fight to get to this point…but it’s worth the fight every bit of the way. This is the only thing that I can give you in hopes that you can settle yourselves from within. Because you see you drained it and took it all from me and still found yourselves greedy and selfish. It’s because you were seeking for the peace in the wrong place babe. You will not find it on the outside never. TRUE PEACE AND TRUE HAPPINESS CAN ONLY COME FROM WITHIN AFTER YOU FACE AND ACCEPT YOUR TRUE SELF. heart suit

So to end, it’s not me. IT’S THE MEN IN MY LIFE.

7:04 pm 

Another DDOS attack just confirms what I’ve always known. How can a man that’s white smack dab in the middle of all of this mess looking so innocent…. You were the one this whole time and I knew… Here’s what I’m going to tell you and all of you a matter of fact. Whoever you were trying to destroy… Will never happen. All of you seem to forget on the kindred Spirit an enlightened one. My gifts are many, and they are about to soar by 2000%! Because every time I come out of a dark cloud they get stronger and stronger every time I walk out of that cloud.

4 years pushing out negative energy towards me… All that black magic you did on me… Here’s the funny thing you see… What you hate and what you trying to destroy and all that black magic put on me… I AM AN EMPATH, I REFLECT THOSE THAT ARE AROUND ME. SO WHEN YOU THROW ALL THAT NEGATIVE ENERGY ON ME… SO YOU CAN’T MESS WITH MOTHER NATURE… BECAUSE ALL THAT BLACK MAGIC IT’S LIKE A BASKETBALL BOUNCING RIGHT OFF OF ME. .. NATURALLY. YOU SEE I UNDERSTAND I GET IT, I’VE ALREADY HAD THAT FIGHT WITHIN I KNOW WHAT THAT IS ABOUT. I PROMISE I UNDERSTAND… BABY I KNOW YOU DON’T HATE ME YOU HATE WHAT YOU SEE REFLECTED OFF OF ME. THAT IS ONLY YOU THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DESTROY. IM SO SORRY, I TRIED TO GIVE YOU HELP I TRIED TO GIVE YOU IT ALL I TRY TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO HELP YOU FIND YOU INSIDE. I CAN’T DO NO MORE THAN WHAT I’VE DONE.

So please please whatever wrath you’re going to take on me please just do it and get it done. I just warn you know and I already know the more I don’t fall, the harder wrath that comes. Just get it in and over with cuz you see… You will never destroy me. I know myself within I found myself with it I had the strength that nobody knows from within. It can only be found and grasped and held…. When you fight that beast within! That’s a war all on its own on I promise you. One last thing…I FORGIVE… THIS TIME THOUGH MY CHEEK WILL NOT BE TURNED. I FORGIVE NOT FOR YOU BUT FOR MYSELF. I FORGIVE TO ONE AGAIN EMPOWER MYSELF! IF FORGIVE BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND.. BUT YET IT STILL DOESN’T MAKE IT RIGHT. I WALK AWAY FROM ALL ABUSE ON THIS NIGHT!

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