Today…..I Let Go

I’ve lived this since 2009 when I was living in California. When I was with the Mongol. When I found myself playing a part of his movie, HIS LIE! His lie was not only soooo damaging to me, but the damage that it caused a child! THAT COLLATARL DAMAGEE, IT WAS PART OF WHY ASHTON HATES ME, WHY HE TRIED TO KILL ME. it was part where it all started.

See i met Wizard on Fubar. i was living in long beach, ms. he thought i was living in long beach california. He was a truck driver. We started talking he would come through and I’d see him for a little while, and he’d be gone again. Well this went of for a liitle while. And ashton got really attached to him, CALLED HIM DAD THREE TIMES!!!

what i didnt know was, this “perfect” kind of “whatever” i thought it was, the beginnings of a family…maybe…well, it was all just a figment made out of HIS imagination. i didnt know that he had a common law wife of 27 years. i had no clue. I went and spent 10 days in Daytona for Daytona Bike Week….never knowing…Spent 3 MONTHS WITH ASHTON WITH ME, GOING AROUND THE WORLD ….or at least the United States ….in the Truck with him…..Went from Cali all the way to new york and Jersey….put ashton IN BOTH OCEANS WHEN HE WAS 7. took him thru the Bronx he was so amazed by all the graffiti he had seen Seen the Statue of Liberty…Know about the traffic on the GW Bridge..That’s when I had my first taste of Zitti was in Jersey….. took him to Sunset Blvd and Hollywood on my birthday the next year he has the all the Beveraly Hills, and The Walk of Stars in Hollywood…….At that point, something was up….I just couldnt put on my finger on exactly what….I’d be in the back laying down in the bed. id wake up, and he’d be on the phone, and from out of no where, I could literally hear someone saying the words “I love you”….and he would be on the phone and say “me to” ….to whoever he was on the phone with…..very literally i could hear whoever he was speaking to telling him …”I love you” …so of course that raised my eyebrows and i started questioning shit…and because that was “only in my mind” so to speak…i had no proof…and he continued to lie

it was while i was on the road with him that I had accepted his collar,….well…I had to become stable again, got a small one bedroom apt in gulfport…in the bad bad part of the hood, which i didnt realize….till after i got the apt….and he would come visit …. and then July 3rd happened….when ashton broke his leg..it seemed like this “dream” HIS LIE…. begain to fall apart…they took ashton from me, because he had broke his femor it was a twisted break, i eneded up getting him back pretty quickly…well thats when ashton had showed me that had the natural gift of astral projection. while he was gone. it was when i went to pick him from cps, when he said, “mommy mommy did you see me, did you see me, i wanted to let you know i was thinking about you”

it was during the time of dealing with the broken leg that wizard started tring to introduce THE BIGGER LIE HE WAS TRYING TO CON HIMSELF INTO BELIEVEING ….of bringing up situations and asking me if i would be ok “with being poly” with him and another woman….

to make the long story short….it was Patty’s sister that had told wizard…..”over my dead body” you are going to bring that girl and her son into my sisters home, to live with my sister and you….AND WELL…WITH THOSE WORDS…I ENDED UP LIVING IN MONROVIA CA, 9 MILES FROM PASADENA!!!! ( and if you didnt catch on, he had used and manipulated the fact that pattys sister, that she was so close to, had died…that i had ended up in living in their btw)

AND FOUND MYSELF IN THIS HUMOUNGOUS BIG TERRIBLE WEB OF MESS, THAT BECAME SUCH A NIGHT MARE….the day that i had arrived in california…Patty, later on, told me that she was gonna blow the house when he left to go work….and it was only because of ashton that she didnt.

three months, i found what i had thought of a little family became very abusive because wizard could not keep his lies together anymore, and i ended up being the blame. Patty came home from work one night to find me in the middle of air, wizard had …was about to put me through the glass coffee table….with ashton screaming at him, dont hurt my mommy……with holding a toy in his hand trying to protect me…and all he could was watch me be in mid air….it was only patty who could calm down the rage in him….

patty who had in the beginning, was my mortal enemy, it was her, that became MY LIFE SAVIOUR! and for the next month and half we planned my escape from that hell…and had coached ashton into keeping things quiet…and it wow…it realized it…HOLY FUCK WOW….OH I DIDNT REALIZE WOW….ITS WAS ONL…I JUST GOT GOOSE BUMPS I DIDNT REALIZE….ON PREDSIDENTS DAY…PATTY OMG….patty had asked ashton what day it was…she thought he was gonna say, im off of school. its presidents day….he said…the day we go home momma patty…omg …..tomorrow is presidents day…wow holy fuck wow….

it was during taht time, that Patty ….she gave me life. she taught me all the things that say now, and the only thing that she told me was TO TEACH OTHERS, TO PAY IT FORWARD…WHEN I ASKED HER HOW I COULD EVER REPAY HER FOR WHAT SHE GAVE TO ME AND TAUGHT TO ME…AND SHE SAID JUST PAY IT FORWARD…..AND I GAVE MY WORD AND PROMISE THAT I WOULD ….

SO YOU SEE THESE SAYINGS THAT I SAY…LIKE

“CAN’T SEE TILL YOU CAN SEE, WHICH IS ALWAYS HIND HIND SIGHT IS 20/20”

THOSE SAYINGS …THEY COME FROM PATTY….THIS LET GO POEM, THAT COME PATTY….

EVEN THIS POEM

YEP THAT CAME FROM PATTY ALSO. ANOTHER SAYING…

“THE BIGGEST LIE THAT WE TELL, IS TO OURSELVES” YEP…THAT COMES FROM PATTY….ACCEPTANCE…ANOTHER ONE THAT COMES FROM PATTY….

“THE TWO MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE TO SOMEONE IS YOUR TIME AND YOUR ENERGY’…..YEP PATTY TOO!!!

A year and half…no…now its been 2 years now…patty contacted me out of the blue, and told me, it was her time….Wiazrd went back to doing herion….that she had gotten to see karma which was rightly hers to witness ..he went back to herion, lost his mongols patch because of it…and she was looking at her time…and so…during the time of when all these physic vampires last year was doing their tthing on me causing me to live a curse…that i am finding myself to be in one more time…this weekend…that i was able to tell patty that I HAD FULFILLED MY PROMISE TO HER!!! THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE THE WEBSITE THRU WORK AND I WAS ABLE TO PAY IT FORWARD, TRYING TO TEACH OTHERS THE RIGHT WAY TO LIVE LIFE, TO CLEAN YOUR KARMA, TO NOT HATE AND NOT JUDGE….AND THAT I WAS ABLE TO THANK HER AND KEEP TO MY PROMISE OF PAYING IT FORWORD ….AND IVE BEEN THANKFUL TO DO THIS BEFORE HER TIME.

………………………………this past week….has shown me a whole lot…………….

This past week, with one person telling me i gave off the wrong impression in my porn, is when i realized that for the last 2/3 months or so that men have been walking up into my home, and thinking that i had something to prove to them, that they wanted to see just how hard i can rreally take a skull fucking…there fore giving me a whiplash, by ramming my head up and down so hard ….by forcing things in a way that cant be forced….witt the last writing that i havent really put out yet, only on twitter did i let that publicly be known as of yet…realizing that all of my life i’ve been with starting with my mother, with being cast out, and judged, and blamed and held accountable

“it’s not mine to own, im not longer playing in this movie, im no longer particpating in your movie/lies any longer” …yep that comes from patty also….

So with this story….and from finding myself being the victim again of physic vampire attacks and being drained of all my energy …which valentines day…..yea on the outside looked like it was the most perfect valentines day ever, in reality ….that day was a horrific nightmare for me….

Ya know between what i wrote this week, realizing why ppl were trying to just rip my head my shoulders like im supposed to prove to them that im able to do what is said i can do, being told im drama because he wasnt happy w the he forced his dick on the roof of my mouth and It taking literally days of trying to recover from my energy taken from me, and the side effects that come with that, and just plain out seeing ppl that im “just settling” with that cant find time but a few mins here in there in their lives for me, one goes a week at a Time now just disappearing and then all of sudden expects me to answer besides working 24/7 for months at a time like i do just to be lied to or playing games not taking all this as serious as it should be taken…ummm ive come to some heavy fucking decisions for myself And its been very very very very very costly for me, i personally am pretty tired of being held accountable for everyone elses accountabilities,

im pretty tired being drained, literally all my life force and spirit sucked out of me cuz its takes one humongous toll on me And I can’t work for days on end afterwards, im pretty tired of just settling and going a week or two or even without any personal kind of regards or touch or time, if anything its maybe 30 mins a week if that personal time w someone, im tired of thinking and making everyone’s Safety, security and privacy and discretion and private thought w no one helping in this and putting holes in all security and tgat i pay for and think about, that have absolutely no regards to have a mutual respect for anything to do with me in those areas,

and im tired of Putting everyone elses everything first and paying a very high price, its become to high of a price for all in the name of being lonely.

Ive come down to the point Ive spent close to $300 on a good fucking machine and some other stuff that will satisfy me and keep me occupied When needed or wanted and i would personally at this point, id rather be lonely with my new toys than to pay this extremely high price that my body, my mind my spirit my emotions my heart my kindness… my whole being had been paying for…all my life 48 yrs,

Ive grown tired of paying my whole life for mine and everyone else. I only should be paying for my own shit and i seem to not have any kind of bullshit w being alone i can occupy myself and be fine until someone brings their shit to me. I guess what im saying is Im finally to the point I’d much rather be lonely than all this other crap tge price has gotten way too expensive on this beer budget. Im a take the losses and just be to myself.

these words ive spoken on twitter….now you know …..now you know the full circle that i keep seeing and finding mysel in…..and this what i said right before i started writing this was ….

Today….its time to let go….just let go and i am…im letting http://go.im not mad im not upset like i said im not anything i don’t feel anything im just indifferent. Theres nothing very neutral.its just time to let go. Im tired of others baggage and just “stuff” In general weighing me down. Live your own lives. Im just letting go today is that day

And when you see things for what they really are and not what you want them to be Like I’m having to do with this present time you look around iat whats been done. Yea i see a whole lot and I don’t want to admit it I don’t want to see it I sure in hell don’t want to be living it

And it’s definitely not enjoyable when you feel like you got your head been ripped off your shoulders from people who consider that to be Facebooking you are you keep getting your soul sucked out of you from energy-starved people who have to live by sucking other people’s Other people’s energies out it’s not enjoyable like that it just really isn’t I haven’t enjoyed now the amount of visits that I enjoy compared to used to is is very few But now I’m stuck because I’ve made bills for everybody and I’m stuck being the most possible one to have to Pay for them. because I’ve tried to give everybody everything and then the meantime they were taken still everything that I wasn’t that I was trying to keep for myself my own fucking soul

I need to get out of this job its costing me and my life way too much, its cost me my body its cost me my age my face my hearing its the psychological damages so in depth I can’t even begin to describe that one my energy my soul keeps getting sucked out it’s just gotten w Way too costly for me i really need to get out and away from this job

TODAY, IS A VERY SIGNIFICANT DAY FOR ME, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING THAT TOMORROW WILL BE 10 YEARS AGO I LET GO…TRULY LET GO FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE…THE DAY I LEFT CALIFORNIA AND I PROMISED THAT I WOULD NEVER GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA AGAIN….

TODAY……..

I LET GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2-16-2020 4:33PM

WHEN THE PAIN OF STAYING THE SAME BECOMES GREATER THAN THE FEAR OF CHANGE.” …YEP PATTY ALSO!!!

WHEN THE PRICE BECOMES TO HIGH OF A PRICE TO CONTINUE TO PAY FOR ANY LONGER….YEPPERS….PATTY ALSO!!! LOL

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