Excuse me while I feel. It’s not often that I get to feel…MY OWN emotions that is. I had to be lonely so that I could feel, MY OWN emtions. I have to guard and shield myself from people, just so that I can have MY OWN emtions. To a Non-empath, you sure wouldn’t understand, but for now, i have to put aside, just for me….it’s not for you to take personally, because this time, IM TAKING ME PERSONALLY!!! It’s MY turn for ME!
See, it’s easy for you to forget, but not so much for me. I’m ALWAYS feeling what YOU FEEL, And because I’m always feeling SO MANY peoples feelings ALL AT ONE, seeming like I’m ALWAYS “needed” but not really, just gravitated, that’s all. What ever it is that I MAY FEEL, Well that kinda gets lost, buried underneath EVERYONE ELSE. So much so, it gets to the point, I DO NOT KNOW MY OWN, WHAT I FEEL, WHAT I WANT, WHAT I DON’T, I END UP NOT EVEN REALIZING IT,….LOSING MY OWN IDENTITY. Because when you are swirl, like a tornando, of everyone else’s emotions all at time, it gets so much, that all you can do….is just spin with the swirl. and try to fight….don’t even know what you’re fighting for. But YOU KNOW…AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW…..THAT YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR SOMETHING…can’t figure it out yet, it’s buried deep beneath, ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS!!! hell, how can I recongize my own…..I AM ALWAYS…..YOUUUUUUU!!!!!
See, you really just don’t get it, the many faces that you see in me, is ALL OF YOU, STARING BACK AT YOU!!! An empath simply is a reflection of who is around. THE VERY MIRROR IMAGE OF WHAT YOUR FEELING, WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH.
I feel YOUR SADNESS, YOUR ANXIETY, YOUR ANGER, YOUR LAUGHTER, YOUR HAPPINESS, YOUR LONLINESS, AND I EVEN FEEL YOUR CANCERS, YOUR CHEMO THERAPY, YOUR CHILD’S HIP PAINS, YOUR BRAIN DISEASES. YESSSSS it’s VERY TRUE!
I’ve taken the sickness that chemo causes from a dieing friend with bone marrow cancer, I took as much pain from him as I could take, just so he could pass in a little less pain, as peacefully as he could!!! And any given time, I could get a very crippling headache from my dieing from friend, when she can’t handle the headaches from her brain diease, just so she can be in a little less pain, just so she can pass in a little pain. AND I DON’T MIND DOING SO EITHER!!! AND I WOULD DO IT FOR ANY FRIEND, JUST SO THAT I CAN HELP THEM!!
But here’s a secret that you don’t know nor realize. Taken all of YOUR “stuff” takes it’s toll, yes it sure does. It takes it’s toll all around on me. It’s hard for me, I get so so OVER-WHELMED, MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT’S OVER CIRCUTED AND IT’S ABOUT TO FRY! MY BODY, IT’S GETS TIRED AND SO VERY EXHAUSTED, AS PEOPLE IN GENERAL ARE VERY VERY EXHAUSTING TO AN EMPATH. Because what you don’t realize is YOU ARE ALSO TAKING FROM ME, JUST LIKE I TOOK AND TAKE MY FRIENDS PAINS, ……YOU TAKE FROM ME AS WELL., it’s draining for me…..
When I get so over circuited, to where it’s blinding, it’s so much so…..all my body can do when it’s filled past the brim of ALL OF YOUR “STUFF” It can do nothing but shake and LITTERALLY VIBRATE LIKE I HAVE ELECTIRCY SHOOTING THROUGH MY WHOLE BODY….and there have been times, when I’ve taken so many and soooo much of YOUR STUFF, that IT HAS TAKEN ME 10 TO 14 HOURS FOR THE ELECTRIC SHOCKS TO STOP GOING THRU MY BODY!!!! NO LIE, NO JOKE!!!
When you hear fight and scream….scream out ” ALL I WANT IS ME BACK!!!! I WANT MEEEE DAMN IT!!!” i can’t tell you, but my body sure can. All I know, is that I CAN NO LONGER BREATHE, My chest is can’t expand to take another breath. It feels like I have 15 elephants sitting on top of my chest, suffacating me!!! I feel cramped in my own body, like I’ve been shoved into a small hole in a VERY SMALL CORNER in my own body, and mind you, I HAVE A TINY BODY, THERE NOT MUCH ROOM FOR THAN ONE PERSON….IT’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO HOLD ONE PERSON…THAT’S ALL….All I know, is that I’m trying to break free, for what….I CAN’T TELL YOU..IM CAN’T HELP THAT, HOW CAN I TELL YOU….YOU???? YOU KNOW MORE THAN I DO….ALL I KNOW, IS THAT I WANT TO FEEL MEEE ….JUST MEEEE. AND ONLY MEE…..ONCE AGAIN!!! THAT’S ALL I KNOW….
Here’s another secret for you to know, all of YOUR STUFF……well, IT’S NOT MINE TO KEEP….MY BODY…IT DOESN’T RECOGNIZE OF YOUR STUFF, IT’S NOT MINE….HOW CAN IT BE RECONGIZED???? So guess what happens???? well….my body, my brain…when it doesn’t recongize and my body just can’t take anymore, it’s had it’s fill for the day, my body goes to reject it, it’s not mine, IT’S YOURS!!!! Lord knows I try….I try really hard for this not to happen, but IT LITERALLY COMES OUT OF NOWHERE….I’ve gotten better at it though, When I can feel my gut, right in the pit of my stomach, go to rumbling, I can feel it, IT’S ABOUT TO EXPLODE. Like a sleeping volcano that’s been in slumber for over 100 years. When It rumbles and it starts tumbling, THERE’S NOT MUCH TIME, when I say, LET ME GO…LET ME GO….I can’t do NO MORE THAN THAT, before THAT VOLCANO BLOWS…!!! When it blows and it spews, It doesn’t know how to stop, NOT UNTIL MY BODY TELLS ME, I DON’T HAVE ANYMORE OF YOU IN IT, I can’t recongize when this happens, I don’t know what it’s all about, how can I ????? REMEMBER….MY BODY IS RIDDING ITSELF FROM ALL OF YOUR “STUFF”…WHATEVER THAT MAY BE AND HOW EVER MANY OF YOU THAT MAY BE.
For me, it seems like a life time before my body is done getting rid of all of your “waste”. What you didn’t realize that your body was dumping on me, as it rid itself of all of tTHAT stuff. Your body does it naturally……
And just so that you know….when MY STUFF ….WHEN IT CAN FINALLY FIND ITS WAY TO THE SURFACE AND BREATH FRESH AIR, IT ISN’T GONNA KNOW HOW TO ACT, HOW TO FEEL, HOW TO BE, i’VE BEEN ALL OF YOU FOR SO LONG, DONE YOU, MADE YOU FIRST…..And fair warning, when it FINALLY REACHES THE SURFACE, IT’S GONNA HIT ME LIKE 30 TONS OF BRICKS, VERY UNEXPECTEDLY….I WONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE IT ….SEE WHEN MY FEELINGS COME UP FOR AIR, IT’S A SHOCK FOR MY BODY, ITS LITERALLY PUTS MY BODY INTO SHOCK, IT’S MORE THAN JUST AN EIPHANY, AND ITS WAY WORSE THAN JUST DESCRIBING IT TO BE A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.
i wish to God, i could find the words to describe the shock wave that hits. But, there’s no words that can help a NON Empath to understand what takes place WHEN AN EMPATH FINALLY AFTER SO LONG GETS TO FEEL THEIR OWN EMOTIONS, ….
Well, first of all, I can tell you this much, at first, I DON’T EVEN THAT THEY ARE MINE….NO lie, No joke!!! I have NO CLUE, NONE AT ALL….THEN…..AND THENN….WHEN IT FINALLY HITS HOME, AND IM ABLE TO IDENTITFY….LORD HAVE MERCY, All i know is that begging God to help me with ….ALLL OF THIS….I DONT KNOW YET…STUFF…AS I SHRUG MY SHOULDERS, I DONT KNOW…ALL I CAN SAY IS…..I DONT KNOW…I JUST DONT KNOW….ALL I KNOW IS I DONT WANT THOSE FEELINGS ANYMORE, I DONT FEEL GOOD WITH THOSE, I can’t tell you what it is im feeling…….IM FEELING ALL OF YOU, I CAN’T RECOGIZE WHAT ANYTHING IS, I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT, WHAT IT IS THAT’S BOTHERING ME, I JUST KNOW I DONT WANT “THAT” …..WHATEVER …..”:THAT” IS…I DONT KNOW….
When my body and my brain is finally being able to to “INDENTIFY THAT THESE ARE REALLY MY OWN EMOTIONS….THE NEXT STAGE COMES THROUGH AND HIT ME LIKE A FIRECE FRIEGHT TRAIN GOING OVER 150 MILES AN HOUR….BAMMMMM!!!!! …….IS ALL I KNOW….SHRUGGING MY SHOULDERS AGAIN…..AND IT’S NOT OVER YET…BAM!!! AS ANOTHER SHOCK WAVE HITS…AND ANOTHER….BAM!!! BAM!!!! BAM!!! ONE RIGHT THE OTHER,
It just doesnt stop for me, it won’t stop…I pray to God that it would,,,, I keep getting these “bams” and ITS JUST WAVE AFTER WAVE AFTER WAVE OF NOTHING BUT FIRECE HURT AND CONFUSION THAT I START TO SPIN TO AGAIN…I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING WITH ME…THERE’S TOO MANY “BAM’S ” HITTING ME, THAT ALL I CAN DO….
is just try to duck and take cover, and try to prepare my body, for another….BAM BAM BAM ……and two seconds later….another BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t do nothing but let it hit me!!!!
When I start to get to the point of being able to TRY TO THINK, is when i FINALLY GET TO REALIZE …..AND SAY TO MYSELF….WOW….THESE ARE REALLY MY ….MYYYYYY EMOTIONS…HMMM …IM NOT SURE ABOUT THIS, IM NOT SURE IF I LIKE THESE OR NOT..HMMM….its kinda like, ….
sticking your toes into the water of a pool….just to see if it’s ok feeling….if its too cold, or to look into the water when you dip your toes, it’s kinda scary for me…it really is…I GET REALLY SCARED…AND LONELY….I DONT WANNA BE ALONE, THROUGH ALL OF THIS CONFUSION, I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS OR WHAT IT ALL MEANS, i feel like little lost puppy….just wanting it all to stop spinning, just someone hold me, just so i can stop spinning all around in all this….this…i dont know…confusion of what all this is….
………and then….and then….you tell me im crazy….you tell me i need help….you tell me, that its my fault , or that i shouldnt feel this waay…..OHHHHH THATS WHEN I GET PROTECTIVE….
…..IT’S FUCKING MINE, i go to scream, YOU CANT HAVE IT, I MAY NOT LIKE IT, BUT THEY ARE FUCKING MINE, MY EMOTIONS…THEY ARE MINE,…just like a little kid fighting over who’s toy it is….ITS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE REALL, IT'[S MINE YOU CAN’T HAVE IT, I DIDNT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY FEELINGS,
i start to guard my feelings with my life, at that point, i’d kill over you taking MY MM….MYHYYYYY EMOTIONS FROM ME…….HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TAKE MY EMOTIONS FROM ME…..I NEVER GET TO FEEL THEM, THEY ARE REAL, THEY ARE VALID!!! THEY REAL!!! I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THEM….I ACTUALLY KNOWWWW THESE ARE MINE!!! …
…and …THEN IT’S LIKE IM LOOKING AT YOU ALL KINDS OF CRAZY AND STUPID,….like a little kid holding on to a toy for dear life…with my arms held tight up against my chest holding that toy for dear life….IM NOT FUCKING CRAZY GOT DAMN IT, I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MYSELF FOR A CHANGE…WHAT THE FUCK…YOUR THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO’S CRAZY….AND DAMN IT I SAY, I DONT LIKE WHAT EVER THIS SHIT IS…BUT FUCK YOU, YOU CAN NOT HAVE IT, IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN SAY THAT IS ACTUALLY MINE RIGHT NOW….
MYYYYYYYY FEELINGS……….NO ONE CAN HAVE THEM RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO FEEL ME….I DONT WANT YOU RIGHT NOW….AND IM NOT SORRY THIS TIME, IM NOT BEING MEAN, IM NOT BEING UGLY, BUT IM NOT SORRY FOR WANTING….JUST ME FOR A LITTLE WHILE, I WANT TO BE SELFISH ABOUT ME FOR A CHANGE….i dont get to be that way very often you see….
ALL I WANT TO FEEL AND BE ME……WHAT EVER AND WHO EVER AND WHAT ALL ELSE COMES WITH ALL OF THAT I DONT KNOW….
but for right now, i can tell this much my friend….ALL I WANT IS TO WHATEVER ME IS ….JUST FOR HOWEVER LONG I CAN HAVE ME AGAIN…
soooo….excuse me, you have to step aside for a little while…so i can feel me ……again…..and one more time, go through this undenyable hell of trying to figure what me is really feeling….as i go through again and again……it kinda sucks to be quite honest to go around life, never being able to recognize your own self cause you are so many other people that’s been around.
OHHHH AND JUST SO YOU KNOW…. I DONT NEED HELP….WHAT I NEED….IS SIMPLY TO BE ALLOWED THIS VOLCANO AND THIS FREIGHT TRAIN TO BLINDSIDE ME SO THAT I CAN GET THAT PART OVER WITH …SO I CAN GET PAST THAT PART OF KNOW THE OTHER SIDE OF WHAT’S ME JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE…BEFORE I AM YOU ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to say, what i feel right now, well, it doesnt feel good at all….I dont like the way it feels to be ignored or to be the last thought for the day, when you go to bed…. IM WORTH THAN THAT!!! IM FIGURING MY SELF WORTH, AND IM WORTH MORE THAN BEING IGNORED OR GHOSTED, WHY SHOULD YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST LIKE TALKING TO AIR WHEN IM SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO YOU!!! WHY SHOULD I ANSWER YOU WHEN YOU IGNORE ME, MY GIFT OF MYSELF IS NOT VALUED LIKE IT SHOULD BE VALUED!!!
IT SUCKS TO FEEL LIKE IM NOT WORTHY OR HAVE ANY VALUE, SO IM GONNA CHANGE THIS FEELING THAT I DONT LIKE, AND IT CHANGES TODAY!!! ……..WHY SHOULD I PUT ANYONE FIRST OR MAKE ANYONE FEEL SPECIAL WHEN YOU IGNORE ME TOTALLY…AND CAN’T FIND THE TIME TO SIMPLY SAY “GOTTA GO” OR IM NOT INTERESTED ANY LONGER”
3-12-2020 4:45 AM
PS, now you know the reasons why i write so much, so i can see in black and white. just who the fuck is who…so i can figure shit out, its the only way i can …because its always such a freaking whirlwind that im spinning in, that i can never see, im just always spinning….so i write ….I WRITE FOR ME….SO THAT I CAN SEE OUTSIDE THAT FUCKING WHIRLWIND THAT IM ALWAYS SPINNING IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Excellent read...you put into words precisely what is so difficult for most of us to convey to those around us, taking care of the person we are is about knowing ourselves and liking who we are as a person and not an object. Clearly the uncertainty of what you feel is different. But it sounds like it’s good for you and is allowing you to prepare for whatever is ahead of you.
today is epic for me, today i took a stand, for my self worth and self value!!! i know i don't like the way im feeling, i dont know what's ahead for me, all i know is that i don't like the way i feel and the only way that is going to change is i stand up and say ENOUGH IS E FUCKING NUFF!!! IM SCARED AND IM LONELY. BUT YA KNOW IT'S better than continuing to allow myself be hurt like i've been!!! so today is a epic day for me!! thank you for your words, *Kiss*
ya know i wish i could like the world is, and NOT FREAKING CARE for others. it wouldnt hurt as bad it all does. i want to not care either. its the curse of the empath!!!