this was clipped and saved this year,it was written 12-20-18
21 Mar, 2019
Ok i know i ask for real world information with my screening, i know this, i offer my home to every one that walks in here. everyone of us providers and hobbiest alike ask and expect Discretion and confindentality be given between both parties. i have kept to my word that ive given to each and every person. but i guess i cant expect that it be the same be given to me….every boundary that i have, has been crossed by someone by a number of people, who like to stay hidden anonymously. everything from my facebook to my child to illegal and unethical questions presented to me in the public eye, but yesterday it was taken way too far. when someone got ahold of my real numberr, and not just called me but called by video chat, that’s not in my contact list, that i dont know the face when he left a vid message when i looked at it, i cant pull up a name from the phone number that he called my REAL number from. This is NOT a matter of someone finding out where i live which is my incall, my phone is under my first name that no one knows, about maybe 7 people know my real number, i never use my real number for hardly anything at all, and just less than 2 weeks ago, i googled my numberr, nothing came up, i check this on a regular basis….at the moment i have no idea how this person got my real number.?
what this means to me….stupid has no boundaries and dont know what that means, that somebody will go to the extreme and not care. with every precaution ive taken, that no matter where im at, its not just my home that can be in danger but by calling my number im not safe anywhrere. sooo ALLLL of my sense of security i no longer have. i now am in fear, at all times. ive feel like i was violated and raped. im now on guard way more so than i was before, im now lookin over my shoulder at all times. im now susupious about everything and every new person that i come in contact with. what this means is ive taken on a whole different prospective along with persona cuz for me, i dont cower down when im in fear,?
See I am not only in fear for my safety, I’m now in fear of my own self. Let me explain. I’ve been abused since I was 7. In my lifetime I’ve experienced all the abuse possible…Physical, mental, emotional and verbal. Everything you can think of, from having a miscarriage from being beaten (I was told I was not gonna have that baby….and I didn’t, was also told that I should be deskinned and have clorex poured on me cuz I wasn’t worth pissing on by that same person when I was 19) to my own child, my youngest I talk about all the time, wanting and in his 11 and 12 year old mind, trying to kill me…The day that I left my youngest son’s father was the day that I SWORE that I would never be abused again! At which I’ve held on inside me for MANY MANY years now…When things were happening between my son and I, I can’t begin to try to explain it, of why I took it from him, because he was so young, because he IS my child…but it finally came to a head, I guess he left that day, for the safety of both of us, It was four years ago on Sept 9 that he left. It took 6 months of the PTSD that I now have from my son, to really do it’s number on me…The day I got thrown into the hospital from the trauma of him leaving, I lost weight, was down to MAYBE 95 lbs soaking wet, the medicine i had been prescribed was all stolen from me,and had been robbed several times, not eating and i don’t know…was at a church getting a meal, guess I didnt take the hint that it was time to leave, cops were called on me, I fought FOUR HUGE COPS AND ONE HUGE MAN from the chuch, When I say, that I went kicking and screaming, I did!!! I was flipping out of their grip and almost hit a cop with my boots in his nose by flipping backwards, cuz they were hurting me, when it was all said and done, I WORE OUT FIVE HUGE GROWN MEN AND I DONT KNOW MANY NURSES…by the time that got me in the hospital that day…
For someone never going into the hospital like that before, The trauma that I dealt with from my child alone, ended up putting me three times that year in the hospital for suicidal tendencies, I had to be taught how to speak again, in short, I had to learn how to live all over again just how to live. PTSD literally changes your brain, how it functions. Mine was changed drastically. Honestly, It’s been from me having this job that has helped me more than anything, I’m able to be social, able to multi task, able to really live for the most part, a normal life again. Though, when im upset I still get the tremors in my hands and when I’m going through other trauma or getting very upset, is when I notice the stuttering in my speech again.
Last yr when I moved in where I’m at, I had a potential client turn “stalker mode” on me, wanted me to prove to him I wasn’t a cop and this was NOT a “work” visit, this was a personal visit with nothing involved but talking, he had asked to come to talk to me about the possibility of his brother dieing,….after he made such a ruckus for awhile, and finally finding my door, the second time he knocked, when I opened the door, I grabbed him by his jacket off of his feet and for the most part threw him to the couch from which point, I was seeing red at that time about his behaviours and by the time I was done with him… upon bitch slapping him in the face he figured out I was no cop and he put a lot of ppl at risk with his shit.
See I’ve held many years of abuse inside that no one knows about, that I put away, left alone, would never allow to come to the surface, first of all, that is NOT the real me…not at all, it’s NOT in my nature all of this. All these years that I have sworn not another man would hurt me again, I knew that it would only take one stupid motherfucker to try to harm me again, that I would end up trying to kill that person, cuz what’s gonna end up happening, is allllll of these of abuse that I’ve dealt with is going end up coming up all at one time, that’s what I’ve always been afraid of…..NOW….I have to think about the PTSD, Now, I have to take into consideration that I’ve proven to myself that I literally do not know my own strength. I have to think about making sure I stay in check cuz I no longer cower down in fear, cuz I no longer hide when I’m scared, I no longer show weakness when abused. I’m now the opposite, when the fight or flight mode hits me, “flight” no longer exist for me. When I’m scared or I have fear of something, it’s “fight” that takes over and I fight all the way. This issue, never used to be a thought that ever entered my mind to have consciously think about it, never have had to put myself in check, NEVER have I felt the need to speak out loud about any of this, till…..
One has had enough….since I’ve been working here in San Antonio the last couple of years, the abuse that men have put on me in so many ways because of the stereotyping that is done when you do this line of work. The stupidity that hits a man when his dick gets hard, is beyond my belief. The amount of violations that I’ve endured while doing this, is just incredible. I’ve had someone trying to kick my door in, only it was my neighbors door that he was kicking in, which he was met with a gun to his neck when my neighbor opened his door, I’ve had someone under the pretenses of “bringing me boxes and helping me to pack” when I was trying to move from here at one point violate my body, when I had passed out from the amount of back pain I was in, yea…woke up from pain to him jerking off in my bed, fucking with my tits, and again from pain passed right back out, so I don’t when he left, if he came or anything. I’ve had many try anything possible that can be thought of to try to get that blow job I’m known for. Everyone that has done so, has come to me with ulterior motives, for example, like someone from Twitter, saw an opening, jumped at chance to take me to the river walk, but didn’t want to screen, tried everything he can think of, “lets meet somewhere and talk” “you got facetime” etc….upon me putting it out there about me wanting to go the river walk, he kept pushing “so what time do you want me to pick you? up” “let me show I’m not going to hurt” “I’m not that kind of person” etc…this is after I told him about the phone call that I got, this is AFTER I told him to shut his fucking mouth, to show me by screening that I wanted to see it in black and white. Still pushed, I had to block him…All of this, in addition, to what I mentioned in the first paragraph.
With someone doing something as serious as breeching a huge security factor in this hobby life, with me having no sense of security now what so ever, with me knowing what I’ve been though, with me realizing I don’t know the potential of my full strength, with me knowing that when I start seeing red that I black and don’t remember what I’ve done, with me now fearing my safety, knowing what fear does to me, knowing that stupid just doesn’t care or have any clue about boundaries and to not cross them, I’m NOW having to make sure I keep myself in check, NOW I’VE GOTTEN TIRED OF BEING VIOLATED AND ABUSED. NOW I have to consciously think about ALL OF THIS WHEN I NEVER HAD TO BEFORE. Cuz its not gonna be much more that I can take before a human has had enough of it all. This is why I’m beginning to be in fear of not only my life, but I now am in fear of myself.
NONE OF THIS IS A THREAT, MY BLOGS ARE THERAPUTIC FOR ME, THIS IS MY WAY OF KEEPING THINGS IN BALANCE FOR ME, TO KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK, FOR ME TO SEE IN BLACK AND WHITE AND TO WEIGH THINGS OUT, TO SEE IT WRITTEN DOWN.”JOURNELING” HELPS ME IN WAYS THAT I CAN NOT EXPRESS, IT DOES WONDERS FOR ME.
What does this means for someone wanting to contact me???
…this means, introuduce yourself and state your intent with me when contact is initiated, no matter where the contact is initiated. because im on guard and susupious like i am now…this means, dont cross my boundaries, if you do not like my screening i have in place, dont contact me, cuz guess what, im putting more security measures in place for my safety now. this means i’m not taking this kind of behaviour any longer from anyone. yesterday proved to me that i gave stupid to much benefit of the doubt. now things are alot different for me cuz i now i dont feel safe no matter where i go. this has got to stop….i dont want it to stop when im found dead. this is just how real it has become for me, this is a major secuity breech in my eyes and everyone that has families etc that hobbys whether working it or using it as a luxury, knows this is a line that is never to be crossed.
I don’t want to be pushed to the point of snapping, please help me to NOT go there. As long as im treated kindly, respectfully and correctly, I don’t have to think about all of this shit…but I wouldn’t suggest testing my theories on any of this either. I just needed to get this off of my chest, I needed my therapy and I needed everyone to see what is being done to me since I’ve been working and to understand and respect my boundaries cuz I have literally tried my damnedest to avoid all of this, at ALL cost. As I’m trying to do now. So please don’t twist any of this into anything of a negative nature.
For those that say, just change my number, fuuuuck, with all the safety precautions that I have taken thus, so far, you don’t think that someone won’t find out the new number???? That would be futile.
Ps, this is the reason why i say im not mad, that im just saying my peace that you would know the difference, i cant hold on to anger, its dangerous for me to do so, so i have learned to say my peace and let it go….this is why? when i say lemme walk away, leave me be for a min, let me cool and ill come back calmly. i have learned to take the necessary steps to keep myself in check at all times, its when its gone too far and when im not allowed to chill out that its not good…and see noooo body would still not know any of this about me, EXCEPT SOME STUPID mf’er had to pull it out of me yesterday….