You’ve never been all alone until you filled my shoes

To be totally alone

September 3rd 2019 somewhere between the time soon 12:30 and 2:30 something I don’t even know

the other night when while talking w a friend, I had said something about all the loss this year for me. he stated he knows about loss and he does he lost his brother this year but and here it is I’m not a downing nobody’s loss I’m not cuz any loss is a devastation.

But dealling w a loss and still have those you find to be special around u is wayyyyy different compared To being left literally…. Literally… very literally alone! no one absolutely fucking noooo one!!!

 it’s something I can’t even describe right now. It was twice today that I went to pick up my phone just to share a proud moment and then another proud moment that I wanted to ask an opinion about before I did it… all for me to just look at my phone and have to put it down

You have absolutely no idea!  the only people that around or could be around is the same people that hurt you. and the people that you want around, well they arent around anymore because well you  became too much of a load and too heavy. It became easier to let go then to stay in the friendship. its exhausting and I know how that is because me fighting all of you like I have now. If you had a clue. i have! Now that I don’t have nothing is when yall finally leave me alone and respect my wishes wow

Friday morning was the last time I seem the person, that last person I lost, Sunday is when everything crashed but I’ve been crushing yesterday last night this person I took a shower Saturday night why. I haven’t seen or talked to me about anybodyor whatever. As far as work is concerned it’s been a week Friday was personal Sunday I just lost my shit did that writing about fear and pain didn’t move out of bed I just couldn’t do it the only time I got up to care about anything as client came by last night gsve me reason.b and actually for being Jean we spend a lot of time together an hour or something like that. We both need to see human contacts are actually I know I did.

I didn’t get to take a shower until 1 and I don’t want to get in the shower because well I fall apart my knees buckle all the time in the shower then I can’t even get out. And then I’m ballin like crazy when I did get out of course would you like me to do I’m sorry I’m going to try to do anybody to come on now I’ll work on that side all the time that’s literally all I do literally I’ll just to hear and see an email going how do you say I d your screening and all this other stuff I work my ass off literally for wife just for what don’t get it

You know I had told the married man that I have been seeing that’s the first major sign of a human being in a major depression and breakdown and is me taking a shower are not taking one letter I can’t get up and I’m have no more interest why last reason I was trying to makeup in find reasons to get up in the morning hard to do whatever there is no more reason.

So you know I thought of I knew I was going to be nobody was going to be around when I fell and when I broke God damn man I didn’t know I was going to be like this this is scary.

All the people I’ve lost this year my dad was the only one that never judged.

Everybody else that I lost because of all the drama that I was fighting and trying to stop the whole time.

Listing of lost my best friend at 22 years because I changed yeah wonder why oh hell. I lost the dominant friend that had to help me get my birth certificate and stuff I lost another dominant friend that I had started talking to him it before I move down here when I was still in PA my dad’s the merry-men and I was scenes this dominant ice have been talkin about here recently everybody how you my feelings for him one way or the other everybody’s gone my dad unexpectedly they don’t know what reason I win then to have my the older of the two sisters tell me I wasn’t welcome to the funeral which I lost my little sister cuz it was her and I that we’re talkin so I lost my little sister and my stepmother in that process and it was the older of the two sisters that can just holds a grudge just because of what happened when I was there what’s my real dad. .

So go see we have 5 websites now a lot of money that came with us each one I know scarred all over my face by red blotches from spiritual abuse from being on exploited spiritually step hello blues and everything everything I’m one step below it I mean about it whatever I got I haven’t hit rock bottom yet but I’m teetering big time everything I’ve worked hard for room to share it with that special. I can’t pick up the phone anymore to share a special moment to some of these special I have nobody.

You know I wasn’t even this alone with Ashton left I still have at least out of Linda thank God for her that time I would have lost my apartment going through the disability she paid my rent there for about 6 months.

I have no family I have no kids and the grandkids I have no friends none close. Is this what y’all want me to see because I can’t help but to wonder I know I didn’t do wrong this long in my life to work my other, would be this bad I know I clean my corner up also this isn’t my fault. Not like this no talk about really being in the prison all by yourself Zeiss comfortables prison cell with no reason to live

Get this

THE IRONY OF IT A SEX WORKER WHO HAS NO SEX LIFE  AT ALL NOW

Yep that’s me. Maybe one clean a week maybe two possibly and all these bills that are going out for what I have dedicated my life for the last 2 and ½ years for what I believe that’s where I fucked up for myself I did all this for everybody else Carrie well that everybody was hurting me and one way or the other. I can’t help but to think I’m really truly book and hate it I really am and I hate just as much what’s been done I can’t go anymore all I want to do is OD something I keep saying that I wish you had taken my life before cuz if it was to him doing this then yeah yeah made it worse than before

My stutter is all the way back my hands don’t stop shaking again I just don’t understand

I guess I’m just a little early awake I don’t know how I made it getting up last night and taking a shower if it’s only by the grace of God with the client came I mean for me not to be updating my ads with the price change that’s weird it’s not like me all I’m doing is laying here in the bed smoking one right after the after after the other after the other I mean I don’t I’ve been fighting for a long time now

I no longer have any reasons. For the longest time I’ve been trying to come up with a reason to stay around that day now because after two and a half years it does get tiresome of me screaming please respect and please and stop and all this other shit it gets tiresome, wears a person down cuz that’s what you have done to me I was looking back at all my tumblr post I’m fixing to close those screenshots I’m a show you. It’s horrible literally be all alone all by yourself nobody to talk to but yourself and the wall! no body the one that’s special to you you know what i mean that makes a difference when will never ever in their lives can comprehend what I feel right now.

Not unless you’ve been left with nobody nobody at all I mean nobody no one absolutely the only person I really want to call is my dad even though I couldn’t even mourn without being disrespected

the pain is so fucking deep and it hurts so bad it hurts so bad I don’t want to feel it I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go through this literally all by myself . I can’t I can’t make it like this. Its too much

ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SUPPORT ABSOLUTELY NOBODY YOU TURN AROUND YOU GO TO PICK UP YOUR PHONE AND YOU HAVE NOBODY THE ONE JUICE I’VE BEEN IN BACK BAY I’VE BEEN LIVING IN A NIGHTMARE FOR A LONG TIME IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE I HATE IT I WANT TO DIE I JUST WISH MY SOMEBODY KILLED ME I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE FINISHED ME OFF BUT I GUESS IT’S MY BABY HE KEPT ME ALIVE FROM THIS TORTURE I DON’T KNOW I DON’TKNOW ANYMORE HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE HOME ALONE AND YOU DON’T have is yourself with your mind you don’t do anything anymore you scared hello Glee freedom just say just say everything I don’t so how to continue going anymore I don’t have no reason to literally I don’t have a reason to get up cleaner what have I done to deserve this bad what’s the book about the deserved this literally this oh yeah living hell on Earth literally yeah that is big who would prove that that night yeah well everybody was fucking with me about videos I am going through hell literally that night yeah that would throw you for a loop so much freaking year no support system I don’t think anybody can come see you when I’m feeling right now I can’t even describe it I don’t know how

Then when I went to put on my bra when I finally was able to. because I laid here balling in the towel for the longest the bra strap hit where I got bit it Friday. My last property marking

         Wow

Just wow it hurs so bad

Just whyyyyy  I’ve never killed anybody I’ve never hurt anybody like this just go through this like this god I don’t know why I’m still alive what  did I do that is thisssss bsd

 Oh god plz let me die guess I’ll die alone anyways

If cuz if I was to die now I wouldn’t be filled till Monday with the help of spades can be cut me in cape Town and I bring that up because I worried about that when I was going through Ashton shit I had to swell heart attacks and I was afraid to go to sleep he gave me to swell heart attacks

Why have I been deemed to this hill on earhth whyyy whhyyy

I Checked my checking account last night in a flip shit it is all spent on work the computer the fucking side I mean why what the fuck man with what the fuck got to look at it anyway and then when y’all do y’all still all the pictures so all the contents so I mean what the fuck you know why why am I doing all this for people to do this to me because he feel like it I don’t know I don’t know anymore I’m left all alone just me and my mind

This is the reason why I write go back and look and see where I was at look at this patterns and that’s what I’ve been doing today. And I mean like really I’ve been saying the same thing over and over and over again for so long nobody really cared or gave a fuck nobody enough to where it would stop not until I break down that’s when it stops yay configure when I’m broke down is when I’m talkin to stop when I’m breaking down but if I didn’t have bad luck or hey or whatever it is I wouldn’t have shit at all now would I begin to tell you what it feels like to not have any support system at all anybody that you’re special do you have something next not no stranger stranger a friend that you know friend that there was you me and my mind just me and my mind

And all the hurt and all the pain in my face scarred up and just being in my prison cell all alone yea  just the way I want to live.

A sex worker with NO SEX LIFE

Wow all of this is just blow in my fucking mind it just really has Really bad!!! when I can’t even conceive this!!!  the very thing that gave me life I was able to socialize again and everything and that helped me after ashton was a very thing that destroyed me think about that

this is a sex workers story; a story of abuse, of pain, hurt, loss a lot of loss!!! if you don’t like my story change my story treat me better treat me right

11:21 PM September 3rd at 2019

I think which bothering me the most the scars on my face from this year from all the abuse covering all of my from everything yeah impossible for me to deal witth yes from now on I have permanent scars red blotches in my face from everything the public is done to me I think of that I have to look at that other time when I look in the mirror constant constant always there reminder for the rest of my life when I’m told I’m pretty and beautiful all the time and what I see is what beautiful is done to me I think that’s the worst that I’m having to deal with I mean they straighten up, they clear up but like today I’m crying all day and under stress and everything and they get bright bright bright red again like a crawfish or coke can and it hurts it’s painful it hurts, hurts badly. I just grab my face and it just really hurt the worst I think it’s what I cannot handle or deal that and going through the holidays alone is what …how am i gonna make it I can’t even go to Walgreens next door do anything without crying

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